March 2, 2015
1:07 pm

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Mar 2 2015 8:21AM
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses Congress tomorrow. He's expected to settle, once and for all, what colour that stupid dress is.

The first Dallas nurse to contract Ebola is suing the hospital, saying they didn't do enough to protect her. If I ever contracted Ebola, they'd only have to test the Jimmy John's Guy to see if it spread.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and four other languages. That'll make a total of 8 languages she can misunderstand.

Today is national pig day! PETA asks us to celebrate by not eating pork today. But tomorrow – go hog wild.

And just a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1901, the U.S. Forest Service was created, as part of the U.S. Tree Service. For a while there, you couldn't see the Forest Service for the Tree Service.

A new study shows that apples are the produce with the most pesticides. No wonder they keep the doctor away.

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers' pay to $9 an hour... which was heartbreaking to employees who thought they were already making more than that.

Just FYI - A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. So, you can skip the gym and just have your head put on a better body? But where are they getting all the hot extra bodies? And what happens when the headless bodies start demanding equal rights? I guess we get the plot of about 15 different movies.

And … I'm incredibly sad at the passing of Leonard Nimoy on Friday. He'd been in ill health for quite a while … but they'll bring him back in the next movie won't they? We've seen it happen before! Meanwhile, William Shatner is defending himself on Twitter after being labelled "Captain Jerk" for not attending Nimoy's funeral. Shatner had a prior commitment to attend a Red Cross fundraiser and didn't … think to … change … his PLAAAAAAAANS! Trek yourself before you wreck yourself, Captain!
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Location : Dallas
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 27 2015 9:08AM
The FCC has approved Net Neutrality, so the government will soon regulate your internet just like a utility. I’m against it, but maybe it will limit the amount of food pictures we have to see on Instagram.
Cullman County wants to use money left over from the 2011 tornado disaster to repair roads. Tell me, what is “leftover money?” Is that like “leftover wine?” Or “leftover chocolate?” No such thing.
Marijuana is now legal in Washington DC. Great. Now when a politician says they don't remember, it's probably true. Plus it will now take people at least five minutes to climb over White House fence unless they spot Obama’s secret snack stash.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1801, Washington DC, was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress. That explains so much.
On this date in 1939, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that sit-down strikes were illegal. Protestors said they wouldn't take the news standing up.
And … the two incidents that yesterday broke the internet.

First, we have #TheDress. A picture was posted of a (not very pretty) dress and everyone is losing their minds trying to decide what colour it is. To me, it looks white and gold but to other (wrong) people, it looks blue and black. Society is imploding because to us “it’s white and gold” people, if you squint your eyes the dress appears in blue and black. I just did it AND NOW THE DRESS IS BLUE AND BLACK. This is the way the world ends; with questionable ready-to-wear.

The second incident that caused a work stoppage was the wild run had by a pair of llamas in Sun City, Arizona. A black llama and a white llama ran amok thru the city proving that ebony and ivory DO go together in perfect harmony. Millions of people (who weren’t arguing over #TheDress) were glued to the Great Llama Escape for hours until the critters were safely captured. The rampage began when the black llama told the white one they were going to escape and the white llama said, “Great! ALPACA bag.”

Just remember, while we’re all watching escaped llamas and trying to figure out what colour a dress is ... china is doing math and has nuclear weapons pointed at us.

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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 24 2015 8:38AM
With the threat of snow continuing, crazed shoppers have turned the milk and bread aisles of Publix into their own personal Benghazi. I always buy MY milk sandwiches pre-made. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum here but either the winter goes, or I go!
There is a specific terror threat against U.S. shopping malls. Be vigilant! If you're at the mall and you SEE something, SAY something. Unless you're at LensCrafters. In that case, ask someone who can actually SEE to verify whatever you THOUGHT you saw.
BREAKING NEWS – they have changed the date of the World Cup from Summer to Winter! Remember the World Cup? Soccer? When millions of Americans left work early to watch countries they’ve never heard of play a sport they don’t care about.
And a few things you need to know …

In 1903 the United States acquired a naval station at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cuban officials said negotiating the contract was torture. 
There’s a new Dr. Seuss book coming out in July, and yes, it has been over 20 years since he died. This guy’s the new Tupac.   Working titles include; "How the Grinch Stole a Story Idea" and "Abercrombie the Zombie."  
Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. Perfect for the ultimately lazy person who can't even brew their own.
TLC is working on a spinoff of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." My only question – why?
Little Caesar's has introduced a new Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza with basically 3.5 feet of bacon wrapped around the crust. Bacon is like the duct tape of the kitchen – it fixes everything. And if it can’t – you should probably just throw it away.
And … One of my fellow Samford University grads has made Baron’s list of top financial advisors in America! Jeff Roberts again made the top 5 advisors in Alabama on the national list. He also owes me lunch and didn’t attend my birthday party – DESPITE being personally invited. NOR did he get his amazing handler Julie a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes for HER birthday this month. Let’s see … Jeff is in Baron’s magazine while another Samford grad, Tony Hale, won a freaking EMMY AWARD. Let me just say – thanks for making ME look bad guys. Actually – I only work 4 hours a day while those guys are hoofing it all day long. Yeah, take that boys. Work smarter!  
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Location : Alabama
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 20 2015 8:13AM
Police in Harlan, Kentucky have issued an arrest warrant for Queen Elsa from “Frozen.”  I guess there’s not enough true love in the nation to thaw it out. That’s cute, but please Let it Go.
Nearly 200 patients at UCLA's Ronald Reagan Medical Center were reportedly exposed to a deadly drug-resistant "superbug." In case you were wondering how the beginning of the end of the world was going to go… here it is. Time to stockpile water and learn which wire starts the car.
The Oscars are this Sunday. Not many people know this, but I actually have an award. It’s for “Best Performance Looking Busy in the Office on a Friday.”
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1792, President George Washington signed the executive order creating the U.S. Postal Service. Up until that time, when people were really upset, they didn't know how to go.
On this date in 1962, John Glenn becomes the first person to orbit the Earth in the Friendship 7 space capsule. He had to orbit several times, as he had trouble finding a place to park.

Bill Cosby is thanking Eddie Murphy for NOT impersonating him on the SNL reunion show. Cosby says he plans to take Murphy out for celebratory special drinks.
This week saw the series finale of "Two and a Half Men." How many years was it on TV? About two and a half times as long as it should have been.
Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on burglary charges, proving his agent wrong when he said he "couldn't get arrested."
AND …A new health study says that acupuncture is less effective on skeptics. I don’t believe that for a minute. 
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Location : Kentucky
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 19 2015 8:07AM
Happy Chinese New Year to you and the Chinese government official currently hacking into my news blog. It’s the Year of the Sheep, but it’s going to take a few days for me to stop writing “Snake” on all my checks. I forgot to get firecrackers this year – you’re supposed to toss them out your door to ward off evil spirits and bad luck. Yes, I bother with traditions from a country with nuclear missiles aimed at us.
Here we go again, nearly 100 patients may have been exposed to a drug-resistant Super Bug at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. THANKS A LOT, REAGAN. Wonder what they’re distracting us from this time? Good thing it is the Year of the Sheep, we're gonna fit right in!

A survey says the approval rating of Congress is up to 20%. Probably because the number of congressmen included in the survey is up 20%.
Grizzly bears at Yellowstone National Park are emerging from hibernation a month early. Park visitors should avoid the bears because if they're anything like me when I’m woken up early; people risk being mauled or yelled at for leaving dishes in the sink overnight.
Pat Robertson says that Facebook is a tool of the devil. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present unto you the official last person on the planet to figure that out.
And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1881, Kansas became the first state to ban booze. No wonder the Wizard wanted out.

On this date in 1935, Tennessee voted to keep their anti-evolution laws. We’re still not sure if that blocked the theory from being taught in schools, or if Vol fans had to stop evolving.

The Washington Monument is shockingly ten inches lower than before. The equipment manager for the New England Patriots says this is totally not his fault.

Director Michael Bay is making a movie out of the Benghazi attack.* “Benghazi” has been thrown around so much it’s lost all meaning. Like last night, I completely Benghazied dinner.

And … Miley Cyrus’ home is for sale. You can find out more from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention under the Freedom of Information Act.
*Andrew Bellware you just stop right there. I can SEE you getting ready to post something about this. 
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