Time to get out and hit those "After Earth Day" sales!
If you have untreated behavioral problems, you should consider government work! The IRS just paid out 2.8 million dollars in bonuses to employees with disciplinary problems – including fraud, drug use and tax evasion. HEY! You know what's black and looks good on an IRS agent? A hungry bear. Seriously, if two IRS agents were drowning and you could only save one, would you go out to lunch or finish reading an article on Facebook?
The US sends troops to attempt to stabilize the crumbling situation in Ukraine. Hopefully they'll be armed with more than harsh letters to Vladimir Putin. Yesterday, Vice President Biden warned Putin to leave the area or face deeper sanctions. What's he gonna do? Put Putin in "time out" if he doesn't withdraw the troops he says aren't in Crimea?
Energy companies say the method of extracting oil called "hydraulic fracking," where they inject high pressure liquids into once dead oil fields, makes them start producing again. This morning, I tried fracking my empty tooth paste tube. There's at least an extra day left in it now! Seriously, this fracking technology is freaky, tonight I'm going to frack my peanut butter jar.
U.S. drones were back in action over Yemen. Officials say the attacks have killed at least 55 militants, including three senior members, who were returning from a huge terrorist gathering. I didn't even realize Al Qaeda went on Spring Break.
CNN reports searchers for Flight 370 say they have an "object of interest" off the western coast of Australia. BUT, the guy leading the search says "the more we look at the photos of the object the less excited we get." It's kinda like watching non-stop Flight 370 coverage on CNN.
And a few things you need to know ...
On this date in 1985, Coca Cola announced that it was changing it's formula and "New Coke" was born. This is an historic day for bad ideas.
Today is Administrative Professionals Day. I got ours the same thing as last year!*
Comic book hero Flash Gordon turns 80 this week. Probably ought to knock off that flashing now.
Prince has signed a deal with Warner Bros. to produce a new album . No one's sure when the album is coming out, but the Old Farmer's Almanac does predict Purple Rain in early 2015.
A Southwest Airlines pilot who became famous for landing at the wrong airport has retired. He plans to spend his golden years in Mexico so he just bought a place in Toronto.
And … Thanks to an extra-long winter, motorized, gas-powered snowboards are the hot new thing in the cold. Yeah, because that's what I've always noticed when I'm at the X Games. It's just not LOUD enough.