April 16, 2014
8:28 pm
Blog Archives
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 16 2014 7:30AM

Time to get out and hit those "After Tax Day Sales," also known as the "Pre-Audit Sales!" This should be "National Promise Never to Put Off Doing Taxes Until The Last Minute Again" Day.

It was perfectly clear last night, for NO Blood Moon. Thanks for nothing, sky! Just curious but if you go to Denny's and order the "Moon Over My Hammy" and then pour ketchup on it, is that a "Blood Moon Over My Hammy"? "Blood Moon" to me sounds like something that would happen on "Game of Thrones." No spoilers here but I read the books that the HBO show has mostly caught up to. You should have figured out by now never to attend a wedding held in Westeros.

Ukraine launched a military operation against pro-Russia separatists despite warnings from Moscow to leave the insurgents alone. By Easter Sunday, a full-on war could break out. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Ukraine, "We will Cadbury you."* Making matters worse in Ukraine, President Obama is sending Joe Biden to assist Secretary of State John Kerry in working out a diplomatic solution. It will be a critical break from Biden's current assignment: watching Cartoon Network.

And a few things you need to know…

On this day in 1956, solar-powered radios first went on sale! Although they probably shouldn't have introduced them at night.

Beef prices have hit a record high. This is bad news for everybody except vegetarians and Dr. Hannibal Lecter. The CEO of Taco Bell says, "Our prices will stay the same; but the 'meat' might taste a little different." Industry analysts blame the soaring prices on the cost of funding the Bureau of Land Management's ongoing war against cattle ranchers.

Rapper Flavor Flav has copped a plea deal on domestic violence charges in exchange for avoiding a jail sentence. So, Flavor Flav will still have a clock around his neck, but he won't be doing time.

And … A team of scientists studying an ancient papyrus fragment that quotes Jesus Christ personally referring to "my wife," say it is not a fake. I guess what happens in Canaan doesn't stay in Canaan! So, we found Jesus's marriage license but we still can't find that missing plane?

* Khrushchev, Sting and Easter all in one reference! Hope you packed a lunch!
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 15 2014 8:18AM
If the fact that today is the Federal Income Tax deadline is a complete surprise to you, you're doomed. The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem. 35 million Americans wait till the last minute to file, says the IRS. You know the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito? One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is a mosquito.

"Apocalypse No." Turns out last night's eclipse had no effect on ending the world before you had to do your taxes. Now; it's time to get out and hit those "after-Blood Moon sales!" A lot of sky-watchers were disappointed with the rain because we couldn't watch the eclipse. Although, CNN reported the red moon COULD be the break needed to find Flight MH370.

Speaking OF … The submarine sent to look for the missing Malaysian jetliner deep in the Indian Ocean aborted its mission … because the water was too deep. Seriously? What? We couldn't get James Cameron to go down and film it?

The head of NATO is telling Russia that other nations might further sanction them if they don't withdraw from Ukraine. WOW! What a game-changer of a threat! I bet Putin's already begging his generals to fall back. In a related story, this invasion is really part of Russia's new viral tourism marketing: "Visit Russia before Russia visits you."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1738, the bottle opener was invented. Seems like civilization waited a long time to finally figure out a way to open bottles.

In 1770, the "eraser" was invented to correct mistakes made when changing your mind while filling out your tax forms.

Khaleesi and Drogo are two of the top baby names now that a lot of new parents are naming their children after characters from "Game of Thrones." Or, as the FBI is calling it, "The future no-fly list."

And … A British math blogger has conducted a study which concludes that the world's favorite number is "7." Unfortunately, it's also his number of teeth. This guy thinks he's done some brilliant research ... but he's still a professional math blogger.
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People : James CameronPutin
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 14 2014 8:17AM

I see a blood moon arising. I see taxes on the way.
I see the IRS despising, I see we're gonna have to pay.

A blood moon AND tax day? Coincidence? Nope. The IRS demands it's dire sacrifice! Anyone wanna volunteer for Tribute? Anyone … anyone… Everdeen? BEFORE YOU DO YOUR OWN TAXES – consider the grades you used to get in math.

Passover begins at sundown – here's hoping your boss does not attend the same synagogue as the one you lied and told him you were going to in hopes of pretending to be Jewish to get the night off. Even Instagram can't make Passover food look appealing; giving up real bread for Passover must be as annoying as talking to people who choose gluten free diets.

There was another earthquake near Papua New Guinea. Mamua New Guinea apparently slept right through it.
Hillary Clinton's camp is saying last week's shoe throwing incident is part of a conspiracy. People who were at the event are claiming they saw a 2nd shoe-thrower on the grassy knoll.

Newly declassified documents reveal that the CIA tortured a suspected Al Qaeda terrorist by constantly replaying a loop of Red Hot Chili Pepper songs. They were trying to get him to divulge secrets, but the guy kept ignoring requests to "Give it away, give it away, give it away NOW!"

And just a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1902, J.C. Penney opened up his very first store. But nobody took him Sears-ly.

A 26-year-old Brooklyn man whose birth name is "God" is suing the credit agency Equifax – he has no credit history because they don't recognize God as a person's name. God said, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Jesús."

Charlie Sheen's co-stars on "Anger Management" are threatening to quit because Charlie has not been showing up to work. Hey, why should Charlie show up to work when the audience doesn't even show up to watch?

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but this is the fifth "end of the world" I've survived. Many religious groups who hold their regular meetings via YouTube channels believe the blood moon trend this year means we're in the "end times." We're not. Kim Kardashian isn't yet the Secretary General of the UN so we're probably OK. It's silly, people are making rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.

And … Bats in the U.S. are dying off from a disease known as "White Nose Syndrome." When I first read that bats were disappearing, I thought the story was about people breaking into Region's Field. It's weird; bats are disappearing, bees are disappearing. If they're going alphabetically, I'm worried about beagles.
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by Lisa Mason posted Apr 11 2014 7:54AM
Eh. So my news DOES post ... 12 hours after I submit it. No point in reading yesterday's news tomorrow so here's a picture of a bunch of sleeping corgi puppies.
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 10 2014 8:09AM
Seriously guys, if digital is such a vital asset can we please have operational sites? Not trying to be rude ... but when the only way to get to this blog is through my personal Facebook profile, you might wanna have a couple meetings on "how do we fix stuff" and maybe hold a few focus groups. If we could get everyone on three conflicting web conferences like we did when we first got on Vortal that would also be great. I'm sure everyone in digital is terribly busy with other work (or leading a raid in World of Warcraft) and I appriciate every bit of help on this.
Now wait two days for this post to load.
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by Lisa Mason posted Apr 9 2014 8:08AM
Congrats! You've found what is now a super secret blog site. Link still seems broken so until someone does something to fix it. Enjoy being the only person reading this!

Aussie officials say they believe they will find the wreckage of Malasia Airlines Flight MH370 "soon." They keep using that word. I don't think "soon" means what they think it means. More pings were detected so crews are optimistic. Look, I've played like 10 thousand hours of "Naval Assault: the Killing Tide" online and trust me – those pings can lead you astray and the next thing you know you've got a torpedo in the middle of your aircraft carrier. *

"The Blade Runner," Oscar Pistorius broke down on the witness stand during his murder trial (and also likely broke a few lie detectors) while answering questions from his own defense attorneys! Imagine what he'll do when he faces cross-examination from the prosecution today. At least the trial is making for good TV. When is the results show? Pistorius, you'll remember, is accused of shooting his girlfriend in cold blood and is now a front runner for Worst Supporting Oscar. Nike had to terminate their contract with Pistorius, though they did briefly consider changing their slogan from "Just Do It," to "Just Make it Look Like an Accident."

1 person was injured during a riot at Iowa State. Why riot? They didn't win the NCAA basketball championship or anything riot-worthy. Officials blame the unrest on a YouTube video.

That fast-food war between Taco Bell and McDonald's could get ugly very soon now that Michelle Obama is advocating that the U.S. arm both sides. Chris Christie has offered to help negotiate a truce. Taco Bell just escalated the battle by debuting a new commercial that parodies the song "Old McDonald Had a Farm." Hey, all's fair in love and war. It's an eye for an eye, and an E-I-E-I-O for an E-I-E-I-O.

A U.S. grand jury will investigate whether the German-Luxembourg bank, Clearstream Banking laundered money for Iran's central bank. Whatever you do, don't switch your account over to the Iranian Central Bank. I once applied to them but they denied my credit, they denied my loan, and they denied the Holocaust, all before 9:15 am.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1833, the very first public library was open... but closed shortly there after, when someone checked out the book.

On this date in 1976, the B-1 bomber was approved by Congress. So we could start attacking our enemies with vitamins.

One researcher now says that procrastination may be in the genes. If you keep putting off getting tested, you've got it.
The Weather Channel and DirecTV have finally reached an agreement, ending a near three-month long blackout. So if you have DirecTV you can now not watch weather that isn't shown on The Weather Channel again.

Rob Lowe says for years in Hollywood, he couldn't get any good roles because he was just too good-looking.** Yeah, I'm sure the naughty tape, the drug use and the nanny problems had nothing to do with it.

Kentucky is planning on naming a bridge after the late founder of KFC, Colonel Harlan Sanders. I also understand they're planning to name a street after the University of Kentucky basketball team: Second Place.

*I do not actually have sub commander experience but I do play a lot of Battleship on my phone during meetings.

**I actually lost a spot in a commercial because I was described as "distractingly pretty." Which is a nice way of saying "We found someone hotter." Or, "We don't want to pay you."
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Location : Kentucky
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 8 2014 8:40AM
Everyone's going on about how the floods came right after the movie "Noah" opened. Sure, that's an odd coincidence, but you wanna make it even weirder? The Malaysian plane went missing after Liam Nissans film "Non-stop" opened. AND the big ice storm happened while "Frozen" was number one at the box office. HOLLYWOOD IS CONTROLLING OUR WEATHER! Let's see, "Captain America" is number one right now so we should look out for Russian spies and spaceships.

U-Conn beat Kentucky to win The NCAA Championship game last night. It was nice when President Obama called both locker-rooms to wish them well, but later he had them audited for ruining his brackets.

Search crews are still scouring part of the Indian Ocean where a Chinese ship first picked up a apir electronic 'pings' from what could be the black boxes of Malaysia Flight 370. It's nice to see the Brits, Aussies and the USA cooperating with the Chinese on this. Another case of ping-ping diplomacy. Only problem is, searchers really need a third "ping" to pinpoint what is either the missing plane OR a pod of dolphins with a sick sense of humor. Sadly, there have been no further "pings," leading officials to believe the Black Box aboard Flight 370 has died. C'mon plane, give us a ping. One ping only!

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1766, the first patent was granted for a fire escape. How nobody thought of escaping from a fire before that is beyond me.

Weather forecasters say they've discovered a new tool that make their forecasting correct 50% of the time. It's called "a coin."

Just as was foretold in the Book of Revelation; Snookie says she is pregnant with her second child.

Bill Maher is taking heat for saying, "there is a gay mafia, cross them and you do get whacked." Yes, especially if you make them an offer they can't color-coordinate.

Scientists have developed a new atomic clock that is so hyper-accurate; it won't lose a second for 300 million years. Although, several scientists were radiated by the clock 2 weeks ago trying to move it ahead one hour.

And … The guys who claim to have found the Holy Grail in Northern Spain are shocked officials want the cup to undergo a tough inquisition from other Spanish historians. They said "We knew some people would be a little skeptical, but we didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!" Well, of course you didn't! NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!
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by Lisa Mason posted Apr 4 2014 8:29AM
They still haven't found that missing plane. They hope to find it with a boat, but could not find it in a moat. They've not looked upon the ground, so it could be hiding way downtown. They have looked up in the air, but they can't find it ANYwhere!

The Pentagon says they received no warning that a shooting was being planned at Fort Hoot. Really? The NSA knew. Ivan Lopez posted on Facebook that he had lost his "inner peace," was "full of hatred" and that'd he'd been "claimed by the devil." Did Lopez not have ONE SINGLE friend on Facebook who saw those posts? Someone who would at the very least respond, "DUDE. You OK?" When we ask ourselves, "what is wrong with the world?" I'm thinking the answer is … US. If you see somebody starting to go off the rails of the crazy train, you try to help. Granted, I've got about 20 people on my personal Facebook page who post things similar to Lopez. I was disturbed enough by one post to write and say, "DUDE. You OK?" Turns out the guy was just posting some rap lyrics and laughed at me. I guess I just invalidated my own argument.

Russian President Vladimir Putin's divorce became final this week, officially ending his 30-year marriage. Lyudmila Putin got Ukraine in the settlement. Crimea river.

Former President Bill Clinton says he wouldn't be surprised if we were visited by aliens from space. At least, that's why he SAYS he occasionally locks his office door.

Have you seen that doofy Alan Thicke commercial for some tax-debt resolution company? He says, "As one of those TV dads, I had to teach the kids about handling money." Wow, he had to teach imaginary kids about handling imaginary money. Even though he's Canadian, this mostly qualifies him to be our president,

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1581, Francis Drake completed a circumnavigation of the world. At the time, there were people opposed to circumnavigation and felt it should be a personal choice.

NBC has told Kathy Gifford that she can drink during that morning show she has with the other chick who drinks, but she is not allowed to plug her own brand of wine. I'm assuming it's called, "Guzzle."

A study says that poor sleep can cause a loss of memory and concentration... and something else... SQUIRREL!

A truck carrying 180,000 eggs was stolen from behind a 7 Eleven in Florida. This could leave omelet lovers scrambling! Trying to crack the case, police describe the thieves as armed and high in cholesterol.

And … Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip met with Pope Francis in the Vatican. The Pope asked the royals* how they felt about same sex marriage and Queen Elizabeth said, "We try to stay out of Charles' and Camilla's affairs." During the visit, Queen Elizabeth gave Pope Francis a large food basket which included a bottle of whiskey and some beer. The Pope is the leader of the world's Roman Catholics, and the Queen is the head of the Church of England. If those two start talking religion, they're going to need that booze.

* "Rooooooaaaaaals. You can call me Queen Bee."
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 3 2014 8:00AM
Ukraine has agreed to host the United Nation's annual "War Games," which means thousands of troops will be playing war in a country with thousands of Russian troops in and around its border. What would possibly go wrong? And how much overtime did the UN's "Bad Decision Department" clock in to concoct this dumb idea?

China now has its own version of Twitter, where people can use 140 characters to express whatever the government wants them to think.

Joe Biden's letting out government secrets again. The VP is in hot soup for saying that while President Obama was visiting the Pope, he ordered a predator drone strike on a terrorist leader by saying, "Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle drone, let's see what happens when his head is blown."*

Germany, known as such a tolerant and light-hearted nation, says they've opened the world's first lesbian-only cemetery. I wonder if you've got to prove your sexual orientation status in order to be buried in Das Plaidenshirten.

CNN's getting slammed because of their continuous BREAKING NEWS on the lost Malasyan plane, when there IS no breaking news. They're obsessing, but now we know a private jet owned by "The Hobbit" and "Lord of the Rings" director Peter Jackson is being used in the search for the missing Boeing. Jackson got the idea from CNN's Wolf Blitzer who recently started referring to Flight 370 as "the Precious."

And a few things you need to know …

It was this date in 1953, TV Guide was created. Up until that time, no one had any idea what was on when. But then, they didn't own a TV so it didn't matter.

On this date in 1860, the Pony Express started making deliveries. I'm no expert, but I believe they delivered Pony Kegs.

Professional jerkwad Alec Baldwin turns 56 today. He blames former President Bush.

A Florida man didn't want to go to work Monday, so he staged a fake break-in at his house so he would have an excuse to say home. Dwayne Yeager says he didn't think he'd get arrested for calling in a false report. He was arrested for calling in a false report. Neighbors blew up his story when they told police, "Dwayne? Oh yeah, we saw Dwayne return home and start opening blinds and tearing stuff up." What's with nosey neighbors anyway? I have no darn clue what my neighbors are doing. They could be into goat sacrifice and I wouldn't care so long as they keep the noise down when I'm napping.

And … My dear Traffic Diva Vicki Ward is leaving us tomorrow. I feel like I should ask her for my stuff back since she's breaking up with me. I've been looking for some alternative career choices for her – just in case she really wants to explore her options. But I'm looking for EASY ones, so she'll have more spare time to scrapbook … because she's one of those crafty people. Here are the top five easiest jobs I've found for Vicki, or for anyone looking for easy work:

Seth Myers' smug coach
Kim Kardashian selfie promoter
Malasia's director of mis-information
Sharp object provider for The Walking Dead
Jefferson County Commissioner

*Apparently it was an incantation-powered drone.
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 2 2014 8:07AM
Time to get out there and hit those "After April Fool's Day Sales!"

The government of France has resigned after the ruling Socialists took a drubbing in Sunday's municipal elections. In other words, France has surrendered to France.

A Long Island high school student has been accepted by all 8 Ivy League colleges and universities. Big deal. He's made the Elite 8. Let's see what happens in the Final Four! The student, Kwasi Enin, said, "I have no idea how this happened. I was just trying to sign up my family for ObamaCare."

The National Commission on Voting Rights held a hearing last night in Birmingham. Numerous complaints were heard ranging from long lines at the polls (obviously those at the meeting weren't actual Birmingham voters, there's never a line at my place other than the one for buses and free phones and liquor) and that things for which they voted didn't win (OK, maybe they ARE real Birmingham voters because that's just whiney).

A sub has been added to the search for Flight MH370. It's about time! I bet the search crews are hungry!

The Ku Klux Klan started a major recruiting drive this week, in Texas, Louisiana, Illinois and Pennsylvania. I don't think they'll get too far. The KKK recruitment website is run by the same person who designed HealthCare.gov. They're handing out recruitment flyers hat read, "You can sleep tonight knowing the Klan is awake!" If you want to know the truth, KKK, sales of Skittles and ice tea to teenagers weren't keeping me up late.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1954, plans were unveiled to build a place called Disneyland. They were the happiest plans on earth.

On this date in 1827, lead pencils were manufactured for the very first time. The workers immediately began chanting, "We're #2! We're #2!"

A 550 foot Ferris wheel, the world's tallest, opened Monday in very windy Las Vegas. I guess this is for people who are tired of gambling with their money and want to gamble with their lives.

The very first soap opera gay wedding concludes on "Days of Our Lives." Don't forget to set the alarm on your hour glass.

Chick- Fil-A beat KFC as America's favorite chicken place. KFC is operated by the same people who own Taco Bell, who is involved in a war with McDonald's. Now KFC is in a war with Chick-Fil-A. I guess the big question is can KFC/Taco Bell wage a two-front food-fight?

And … Here's one more slice of chaos coming out of Ukraine. Darth Vader is running for president! The Star Wars icon has been chosen as the candidate to represent the Ukrainian Internet Party, who aims to create the world's first "government by internet." If you spend a lot of time on the internet – you know it's full of freaks so the Internet Party WOULD need a strong leader like Darth Vader to keep Vlad Putin in check. Stormtroopers would help too. Hey! You know what you call a bunch of Stormtroopers playing Monopoly? A Game of CLONES.
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