February 27, 2015
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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 27 2015 9:08AM
The FCC has approved Net Neutrality, so the government will soon regulate your internet just like a utility. I'm against it, but maybe it will limit the amount of food pictures we have to see on Instagram.

Cullman County wants to use money left over from the 2011 tornado disaster to repair roads. Tell me, what is "leftover money?" Is that like "leftover wine?" Or "leftover chocolate?" No such thing.

Marijuana is now legal in Washington DC. Great. Now when a politician says they don't remember, it's probably true. Plus it will now take people at least five minutes to climb over White House fence unless they spot Obama's secret snack stash.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1801, Washington DC, was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress. That explains so much.

On this date in 1939, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that sit-down strikes were illegal. Protestors said they wouldn't take the news standing up.

And … the two incidents that yesterday broke the internet.

First, we have #TheDress. A picture was posted of a (not very pretty) dress and everyone is losing their minds trying to decide what colour it is. To me, it looks white and gold but to other (wrong) people, it looks blue and black. Society is imploding because to us "it's white and gold" people, if you squint your eyes the dress appears in blue and black. I just did it AND NOW THE DRESS IS BLUE AND BLACK. This is the way the world ends; with questionable ready-to-wear.

The second incident that caused a work stoppage was the wild run had by a pair of llamas in Sun City, Arizona. A black llama and a white llama ran amok thru the city proving that ebony and ivory DO go together in perfect harmony. Millions of people (who weren't arguing over #TheDress) were glued to the Great Llama Escape for hours until the critters were safely captured. The rampage began when the black llama told the white one they were going to escape and the white llama said, "Great! ALPACA bag."

Just remember, while we're all watching escaped llamas and trying to figure out what colour a dress is ... china is doing math and has nuclear weapons pointed at us.


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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 24 2015 8:38AM
With the threat of snow continuing, crazed shoppers have turned the milk and bread aisles of Publix into their own personal Benghazi. I always buy MY milk sandwiches pre-made. I don't want to issue an ultimatum here but either the winter goes, or I go!

There is a specific terror threat against U.S. shopping malls. Be vigilant! If you're at the mall and you SEE something, SAY something. Unless you're at LensCrafters. In that case, ask someone who can actually SEE to verify whatever you THOUGHT you saw.

BREAKING NEWS – they have changed the date of the World Cup from Summer to Winter! Remember the World Cup? Soccer? When millions of Americans left work early to watch countries they've never heard of play a sport they don't care about.

And a few things you need to know …

In 1903 the United States acquired a naval station at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cuban officials said negotiating the contract was torture.

There's a new Dr. Seuss book coming out in July, and yes, it has been over 20 years since he died. This guy's the new Tupac. Working titles include; "How the Grinch Stole a Story Idea" and "Abercrombie the Zombie."

Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. Perfect for the ultimately lazy person who can't even brew their own.

TLC is working on a spinoff of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." My only question – why?

Little Caesar's has introduced a new Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza with basically 3.5 feet of bacon wrapped around the crust. Bacon is like the duct tape of the kitchen – it fixes everything. And if it can't – you should probably just throw it away.

And … One of my fellow Samford University grads has made Baron's list of top financial advisors in America! Jeff Roberts again made the top 5 advisors in Alabama on the national list. He also owes me lunch and didn't attend my birthday party – DESPITE being personally invited. NOR did he get his amazing handler Julie a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes for HER birthday this month. Let's see … Jeff is in Baron's magazine while another Samford grad, Tony Hale, won a freaking EMMY AWARD. Let me just say – thanks for making ME look bad guys. Actually – I only work 4 hours a day while those guys are hoofing it all day long. Yeah, take that boys. Work smarter!
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Location : Alabama
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 20 2015 8:13AM
Police in Harlan, Kentucky have issued an arrest warrant for Queen Elsa from "Frozen." I guess there's not enough true love in the nation to thaw it out. That's cute, but please Let it Go.

Nearly 200 patients at UCLA's Ronald Reagan Medical Center were reportedly exposed to a deadly drug-resistant "superbug." In case you were wondering how the beginning of the end of the world was going to go… here it is. Time to stockpile water and learn which wire starts the car.

The Oscars are this Sunday. Not many people know this, but I actually have an award. It's for "Best Performance Looking Busy in the Office on a Friday."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1792, President George Washington signed the executive order creating the U.S. Postal Service. Up until that time, when people were really upset, they didn't know how to go.

On this date in 1962, John Glenn becomes the first person to orbit the Earth in the Friendship 7 space capsule. He had to orbit several times, as he had trouble finding a place to park.

Bill Cosby is thanking Eddie Murphy for NOT impersonating him on the SNL reunion show. Cosby says he plans to take Murphy out for celebratory special drinks.

This week saw the series finale of "Two and a Half Men." How many years was it on TV? About two and a half times as long as it should have been.

Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on burglary charges, proving his agent wrong when he said he "couldn't get arrested."

AND …A new health study says that acupuncture is less effective on skeptics. I don't believe that for a minute.
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Location : Kentucky
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 19 2015 8:07AM
Happy Chinese New Year to you and the Chinese government official currently hacking into my news blog. It's the Year of the Sheep, but it's going to take a few days for me to stop writing "Snake" on all my checks. I forgot to get firecrackers this year – you're supposed to toss them out your door to ward off evil spirits and bad luck. Yes, I bother with traditions from a country with nuclear missiles aimed at us.

Here we go again, nearly 100 patients may have been exposed to a drug-resistant Super Bug at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. THANKS A LOT, REAGAN. Wonder what they're distracting us from this time? Good thing it is the Year of the Sheep, we're gonna fit right in!

A survey says the approval rating of Congress is up to 20%. Probably because the number of congressmen included in the survey is up 20%.

Grizzly bears at Yellowstone National Park are emerging from hibernation a month early. Park visitors should avoid the bears because if they're anything like me when I'm woken up early; people risk being mauled or yelled at for leaving dishes in the sink overnight.

Pat Robertson says that Facebook is a tool of the devil. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present unto you the official last person on the planet to figure that out.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1881, Kansas became the first state to ban booze. No wonder the Wizard wanted out.

On this date in 1935, Tennessee voted to keep their anti-evolution laws. We're still not sure if that blocked the theory from being taught in schools, or if Vol fans had to stop evolving.

The Washington Monument is shockingly ten inches lower than before. The equipment manager for the New England Patriots says this is totally not his fault.

Director Michael Bay is making a movie out of the Benghazi attack.* "Benghazi" has been thrown around so much it's lost all meaning. Like last night, I completely Benghazied dinner.

And … Miley Cyrus' home is for sale. You can find out more from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention under the Freedom of Information Act.

*Andrew Bellware you just stop right there. I can SEE you getting ready to post something about this.
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Location : KansasTennessee
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 18 2015 8:03AM
Time to get out and hit those After Westminster Dog Show sales!

Just curious: If Monday was President's Day, shouldn't Tuesday have been Vice-President's Day? And today would be Speaker of the House Day? I can't wait for you to open your President Pro Tempore Day president tomorrow. I'm taking Friday off, because that's what John Kerry would want.

President Obama says the law is on his side in the issue of letting thousands of people illegally in the US stay here. Confusion abounds over how one can be legally illegal. Huh? I wonder what his definition if "is" is. In another head-exploding story, Obama asked Congress for war powers, yet today Attorney General Eric Holder says the US is NOT in a "time of war." These guys come across so clueless even Google can't translate them.

Boston's mayor is begging his people to stop jumping out of windows into the piles of snow. What a party-pooper! They've all been stuck inside listening to each other's weird accents for three weeks with no way to get the cah to the bah.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1930, the planet formerly known as Pluto was discovered. Remember when Pluto was part of our Solar System? Kids, that's back when people used to write in a weird manner called "cursive" and "privacy" wasn't just a social media setting.

Hey film lovers! This was the day back in 1953, the first 3-D movie, "Bwana Devil," was shown in theatres. It was much better than the sequel, "Yes, we have no Bwanas."

In Omaha, Nebraska, a pizza delivery driver was robbed at gunpoint – but it's OK! The suspect was arrested in 30 minutes or less.

A rumor is buzzing around prior to the Oscars that some members of the Academy actually let their domestic help fill out their ballots for them. Good, maybe if normal people pick the winners there's a chance something I've actually seen will win.

And … Today is Ash Wednesday. Be honest – did Tuesday make me look fat? One of the most popular Mardi Gras drinks in New Orleans yesterday was the FEMA. No one knows what is in it, but it hits you a month later.
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Location : BostonNebraskaNew OrleansOmaha
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 17 2015 8:15AM
Snow and ice in DC has shut down all government functions. How can they tell a difference from any non-snow day? You know what I like best about winter? Nothing. I've got layer upon layer and am still freezing because the AC is on in my studio. I'm tired of taking off my clothes and being marked by them.

A passenger on board an Alaska Airlines flight from LA to Portland was stung by a scorpion. The wildest thing about this story is that the scorpion had enough room to turn around and do that.

It's Mardi Gras! The New Orleans parades are getting underway but the FEMA float isn't expected to arrive till Labor Day. You know you've been to a wild Mardi Gras party when you wake up on a sidewalk and the only things in your pockets are your car keys and a court summons.

Mars One, the Netherlands-based company, has selected its 100 people who will compete to be the crew on a one-way trip to Mars. Sadly, no Kardashians are involved, but if we're lucky we might be able to get Kanye on board.

And … it was on this date in 1801 a tie had to be settled in the race for President. The results? Thomas Jefferson was elected president and Aaron Burr got the vice president gig. Yep; Jefferson won, Burr was the loser and made vice-president ... and a tradition was born. They also voted Keith Richards as Best New Recording Artist.

Been meaning to add this; I forget that there is a "comments" section on here and it's once in a blue moon I remember to look. You can always contact me at Lisa@Birminghamseagle.com or hit me up on Facebook, where I will probably never see your private message because currently my Personal Assistant is my dog, Hera. Speaking OF dogs, I have not yet watched the dog show from last night so NO SPOILERS!
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Location : LouisianaNew OrleansPortland
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 16 2015 8:23AM
Snowpocolypse … later. If you ran out to buy milk and bread, then I hope you like milk sandwiches because Central Alabama isn't getting any snow today.

It's Presidents Day -- the day we honor the great leaders of our nation by going out and checking to see if the mail's here yet, 2 or 3 times, before remembering it's Presidents Day and the mail isn't coming.

With two new additions, we're getting closer to the point when it will be easier to count the women who haven't accused Bill Cosby of anything.

A 20 year old American has been gored by a bull during a festival in Spain. Don't worry; the man will recover and likely go on to do many more stupid things. The animal is fine, but was chided for bullying. I won't steer you wrong with this story; bullfighting is cruel and many PETA members are having a cow over it.

Ana a few more things you need to know …

On this date in 1959, Fidel Castro became President of Cuba. While "president for life" seems a bit harsh, think of all the election years and debates they didn't have to suffer through.

Watching the footage of the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore freaking out over thundersnow – are we sure all that white stuff around his nose is really snow?

Remember the old TV commercial asking how many licks it takes "to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?" The conclusion was, "The world may never know." Turns out that was a lie because scientists have figured it to be about 1,000 licks. How is that cure for cancer coming, guys?

With Valentine's candy now half off – we only have 363 more days till we have to be thoughtful toward our loved ones again.

Google is reportedly designing a sensor that tells the wearer when they have body odor and steers them away from any friends. Now, if they could just come up with a "Co-worker over-did her perfume again" alarm, we'd be set.

And … My bologna has a first name, it's "C-R-A-S-H!" The famous Oscar Mayer Wienermobile slipped off the road in Enola, Pennsylvania and slammed into a pole. That'll teach the driver a lesson trying to hot-dog it when his driving didn't cut the mustard. Poor guy because he ended up freezing his buns off in the cold. Now, he has to ketchup just to stay on schedule! I bet he doesn't relish that idea, not to mention that his boss will be very frank when he gets grilled over the accident. One more thing, the driver will be fine but for a minute officials thought they'd have to amputate his leg. Where? Bologna.
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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 13 2015 8:37AM
It's Friday the 13th! The scariest day of the year, unless of course you forget tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'll take Friday the 13th over Monday the 15th any day; I'm not superstitious but I DO hate Mondays.

On the heels of the cease-fire announcement, members of the Ukrainian parliament got into a knock-down-drag-out fistfight. Peace; they're doing it wrong.

Congress will likely grant President Obama's request for a fresh war in the Middle East against ISIS. This is historic! Not the war part, just Obama and Congress actually speaking to each other.

China's president is planning to make his first official visit to the U.S.. If you get to meet him while he's here, the proper way to address him is "Landlord."

San Diego is THE hotspot of the measles outbreak. It's believed someone is further spreading the virus by riding public transportation. Great, we've found Johnny Measleseed.

And a few things you need to know...

In 1633, Italian astronomer Galileo went on trial for saying the Earth actually revolved around the Sun, not the other way around. He was the first winner of the "I told you so" award.

Starbucks claims that saxophone star Kenny G. helped create the Frappuccino. Create? No way, but he might have been instrumental.

Expedia has bought Orbitz. I hope the new company will be named Exbitz.

Sorry Birmingham, the Democratic National Committee has selected Philadelphia as the location of their 2016 Convention. Now we'll have to watch legislators pretend to enjoy cheesesteaks. Buy hey – Philly couldn't get those World Games that we landed!

And … Brace yourselves; 50 Shades of Grey movie crap is coming. Spoiler alert: the main torture in the book is the writing. And it's boring. And not terribly unique. When Shades of Grey got up to 50 it started getting junk mail from AARP and eating dinner at 4:30 just like everyone else.
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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 12 2015 8:30AM
President Obama asks congress for war powers in order to fight against ISIS. Wow, the Nobel people are seriously going to ask for their Peace Prize back this time. Meanwhile, Anonymous says it has shut down dozens of social media sites ISIS was using to actively recruit. If you aren't familiar with Anonymous, they are a large hacker group who are welcome to hack this blog today if they can make it funny.

3 winning Powerball tickets were sold in Texas, North Carolina and Puerto Rico … I'm pretty sure I have beloved relatives in all three places.

Alabama Psychiatric Services is closing for good this Friday. This leaves around 28,000 people statewide without access to mental care. With the gay marriage debate, the awful weather and thousands of Alabamians off their meds … it's going to go all Thunderdome up in here next week.

Even though he completely ripped on Alabama on the Daily Show, many are upset that Jon Stewart is leaving Comedy Central. Now you'll have to get your fake news from MSNBC like everyone else.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1554, Lady Jane Grey, who had been Queen of England for all of nine days, was beheaded for treason. And you thought YOUR company retirement plan was awful.

Today is the actual birthday of Abraham Lincoln! Why aren't we off?

Today is Friday the 13th Eve! DO you open your luck tonight or wait till in the morning?

Hey guys -- A survey says the average amount of money that will be spent on Valentine's Day this year will be $142. And that's not including what your wife has already spent on the present that she got herself for you to give her.

Charlie Chaplain's first Oscar has been stolen. Police are investigating Kanye West. You know how he is about awards that Beyoncé doesn't get.

And … New Hampshire police have issued an arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil because of the mountains of snow they are under. Pretty sure that the Punxsutawney PD won't honor a warrant from an out of state jurisdiction, but maybe we should put Phil in a safe house until the snow melts. The way things are going in the northeast, that will probably be sometime in July. Remember little groundhog – you have the right to an attorney, problem is yours hasn't been able to dig himself out of his snow-buried house yet.
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 11 2015 7:51AM
This gay marriage debate is really helping me clean out my Facebook Friends list. I've never seen such nastiness on BOTH sides of an issue. Can we all try to be decent to each other just for once? Yeesh.

Jon Stewart dropped the bombshell that he is leaving the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Now my liberal friends will have to get their news from another source. Maybe Jon will take Brian Williams' job. NBC has suspend him for six months because of Liar-gate. Suspended? Over what? A pool of sharks to make sure he's telling the truth?

The Powerball jackpot is over 485 million dollars, I have a ticket and will totally share my winnings with you – unless I actually win.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1993, President Clinton appointed Miami prosecutor Janet Reno to be the nation's first female attorney general. Wait a minute. He was a chick?

Marvel Studios says Spider Man will appear in the next Captain America film. Poor Spidey needed some good news, he's got PTSD from being in so many terrible movies.

The University of Michigan has spent $16,000 on a program telling students not to say offensive words. Couldn't you save the money and tell them to pretend to be talking to the Pope?

And … Google is showing off a new robotic dog. I like the idea of having a robot dog buddy for Hera Mason, although I wouldn't want have to pick up poop-batteries out in the yard all the time.
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Location : MiamiMichigan
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