October 22, 2014
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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 22 2014 7:45AM
I couldn't find a picture to correspond with any of the stories, plus I'm sick of ISIS and Ebolanoia. So here: have a picture of my dog being awesome. Now for the news…

Homeland Security says they have implemented a very creative policy in which travelers from hard-hit Ebola countries may ONLY fly into one of five US airports. The thing is, most of those travelers already fly into those airports anyway. Can we just route them all straight into D.C. instead?

A trio of teenage girls from Denver who ran away from home to join ISIS, have been apprehended in Germany. German authorities have agreed to release the girls into the custody of the Department of Run Away from Home-Land Security. The Three Stoogettes say they would have made it to Syria if they hadn't run head-on into Democrats who were running away from President Obama.

Russia insists they have NOT lost a submarine near Sweden. So, Sweden continues searching for the missing Russian sub that issued a distress call in their waters. I always thought a Russian sub was a foot-long borscht sandwich with Russian dressing.

Toys 'R Us is removing their Breaking Bad action figures from its stores because a complainey-pants mom in Florida whined loudly enough. Next thing you know, she's going to want to make them get rid of the "My Little Freebase" dolls and the "Mr. Potato Head-Shop Playset."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1967, Apollo VII returned safely to Earth after orbiting 163 times and was unable to find a parking spot.

In 1981, the U.S. national debt topped $1 trillion. These days, that would mean congress was doing great.

A group of Miami politicians wants South Florida to break away and become our 51st state. Hey – you other states. You totally owe us and Georgia for acting as a barrier to keep Florida away from you.

FYI -- If you haven't come up with a costume for this year's BOO Halloween Party at B&A Warehouse, you could always go as Rene Zellweger's new face.

And … RIS. "Rest in Style." Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta has died at 82, receiving tributes from around the world, even from the Clinton family. Hillary wore many of Oscar's fashions, and though Chelsea had announced she'd wear an Oscar wedding dress, she eventually chose Vera Wang. Speaking of Clintons, dresses and Wang, Monica Lewinsky is back in the news...
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 21 2014 7:34AM
More people are now off quarantine in Texas, after the plague bomb was dropped from the Ebola Gay.
The CDC is now out with new guidelines for health workers dealing with Ebola patients. Among the directives like "don't lick the patient" is the suggestion to "wear protective gear that leaves neither skin nor hair exposed." Golly! So the CDC just figured out what doctors in hot zones overseas have known since 1977.

A new poll says 70% of Americans don't believe in President Obama's strategy to eliminate ISIS. Why doesn't the White House just use the same strategy on destroying ISIS that they used on destroying those IRS emails?

Oscar Pistorius will only spend 5 years in prison for the murder of his girlfriend. The light sentence was due to new evidence that was found outside his home that could have acquitted him: footprints. When he gets out, Blade Runner gets to be President of South Africa, right? Isn't that how it works over there?

Parents are upset at a line of Christmas toys being sold at Toys "R" Us inspired by the series "Breaking Bad." They make the Easy-Bake Meth Oven sound like a bad thing!

This is just sick. A Russian Nazi group held a "Miss Hitler" contest. The winner received 5,000 rubles and a chance to invade Poland.

The head of the TSA is retiring. They plan to have a party for him but before he leaves, he has to remove everything in his pockets, as well as his shoes and belt.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1939 that women's nylon hosiery went on sale for the first time. There was a big run on them.

Happy birthday to Princess Leia! She turns 58 today. The Empire apparently still hasn't located her.

This week is the Orionid Meteor shower. There are far worse reasons to be in your yard wearing pajamas at 4AM. Since the moon isn't full – you've got a good shot at seeing some falling stars. That's a lot of wishes to make! Maybe if we all wish for the same thing it'll definitely come true. Join me "I wish they sold 6 pack abs at Target."

The world is a lot less fashionable today, Designer Oscar de la Renta has died at age 82. No! Why do we have to lose Oscar and not whomever designed Crocs?

The search continues near Stockholm for a missing "mystery sub." Sweden intercepted a distress call in Russian but Russia denies losing a sub. Right. "Andrei, you've lost ANOTHER submarine?"

And … Scientists were shocked to find a puppy-sized spider in the rain forests of South America. NOPE NOPE NOPE. This thing is HUGE. Did they find Frodo's dead body nearby? OMG finish the Jumanji game so it'll go back!
Filed Under :
Location : StockholmTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 20 2014 8:05AM
The quarantine period is over for dozens of people who had direct contact with the Ebola patient who died in Dallas. Meanwhile the US now has an Ebola Czar! This guy knows everything about Ebola that Wikipedia has to offer. I can't believe we've gone this far with the Ebola thing and haven't yet reached out to Jack Bauer.
Did you hear that the family of Thomas Duncan is complaining that they are being ostracized by the community? Louise Troh, Duncan's fiancée, says her apartment manager wouldn't come fix her fridge and that a cable guy just left equipment on the street rather than installing it once he learned he'd been sent to Ebola-Central. Wow, lady. Sorry no one wanted to get past the armed guard to enter a quarantine zone just to hook up your internet. How selfish of those jerks!

Angry crowds lit fires, overturned cars and threw bottles at New Hampshire state police on Saturday. Police used tear gas to disperse the rioters. What was the problem? It was the annual pumpkin festival near Keene State College. Someone had a party, everyone got white girl wasted and the melee kept growing. Keene is largely peopled by affluent white kids so I hope that pepper spray was organic or fair-trade.

Ann Romney said last week that if Mitt were president, Vladimir Putin wouldn't have marched into Ukraine. I don't think a guy who kills dogs for fun would be very intimidated by a guy who just ties them to the roof of his car.

The Obama Defense Department has named the fight against ISIS "Operation Inherent Resolve." That's right, "Resolve." Because nothing inspires fierce loyalty, dedication and sacrifice like naming your military mission after a carpet cleaner. Apparently, we are "carpet bombing" ISIS.

And a few things you need to know …

Dracula actor Bela Lugosi was born on this date in 1882. He popularized the phrase, "I want to drink your blood*," which is why Donald Trump always uses, "You're fired," since that was already taken.

On this date in 1820, Spain sold a good chunk of Florida to the U.S. for $5 million. The catch was, we had to take all the bad drivers.

Apple Pay debuts today. I wish it came with a free bag of U2's money.

Health officials (who have done such a smashing job with the Ebola thing) say you have to run 4 miles to burn off the calories of one Coca Cola. But as long as you do that and walk a mile for a Camel, you're fine, right? So what's the problem?

Hyping their "Thursday Night Football" game against the Patriots in New England, a New York Jets video misspelled the word "rivalry" as "rivarly." The Jets are so bad, at this point they are lucky to spell "New York, New York" right both times.

1 in 5 adults over the age of 25 have never been married. Amazing to think there are that many people who have never experienced forgetting an anniversary.

Whole Foods says it will rate fruits and vegetables as "very good," "better" and "best" based on how they were grown. Of course, they'll also be labeled as "Affordable," "Too Expensive" and "Are You Kidding Me? That Costs WHAT?!"


*Which I don't believe he ever said. I just needed to make the Donald Trump joke work.**
** And it didn't.
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 17 2014 8:34AM
The new definition of "quarantine" is, "Eh. Just do whatever you want." A Dallas Healthcare worker who likely handled Ebola specimens from Thomas Duncan is currently in isolation … onboard the Carnival Magic! Welcome to the Caribbean! Enjoy the scenery as you bleed from the eyes! Actually it SHOULD be fine; it's been 19 days since contact, the health worker shows no symptoms and a Carnival Cruise is THE safest place to hide from Ebola because all the passengers already have to wear biohazard suits just to board the floating petri dish.
Seriously, what's the deal with these Dallas people? First, we've got the Killa Bridezilla who decides to get on a plane, now Belize will not let the Carnival Magic dock because of the Cruiser of Doom. So the thousands of people who paid a lot of money for a romantic cesspool to take them to Belize can't go because of complete disregard for protocol. Now, my infectious diseases training is a bit limited,* so I could be wrong. I just hope the first infected nurse keeps getting better and that her little dog is OK.

Meanwhile, a team of Canadian scientists has produced an Ebola vaccine** that will be tested on 40 American volunteers. Crazy! We should not trust Canadian vaccines; they did nothing to stop Bieber Fever.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was seen in public this week for the first time in 40 days. Big deal! A Democratic politician willing to be seen with President Obama in public hasn't been spotted in 6 months. Kim was thought to be missing but it turns out that he was just doing a nightly show on CNN.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1492, Columbus discovered San Salvador. It was a huge day for the San Salvador Chamber of Commerce.

A man in war-torn Aleppo, Syria is being praised for using his life savings to feed hundreds of street cats who were left homeless by the conflict. Although, President Obama continues to insist there will be no U.S. Puss N' Boots on the ground.

National security experts are warning about the terror groups Khorasan and Isis, because they work with a doctor who has in the past attempted to "surgically implant explosive devices in terrorists." However, they say threat is a little lower now, because that surgeon is still busy transforming Bruce Jenner into a woman.

And … Swiss watchmakers have created a wrist watch that costs 2.1 million dollars. Or you could just look at your phone for free.

*Nonexistant.

**Probably involving Moosehead beer
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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 16 2014 8:10AM
Mom called last night to tell me that I have to issue an apology for an Ebola comment in yesterday's blog because it made me look insensative. Mom apparantly hasn't met me.
Enjoy the rest of today's post which is filled with the most sensative approach to the news that I could muster.
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 15 2014 8:06AM
When are we gonna get some of those little rubber bracelets for Ebola Awareness? C'mon, if we're going to capitalize on a global outbreak then we gotta start NOW. One of my Eagle listeners suggests do them in black with red splotches.
The CDC says they "could have done more" to stop Ebola from spreading in Dallas. That's untrue: they could have done ANYTHING. One single thing. But now, a second health worker in Dallas has tested positive for Ebola. Nurses at the hospital say they had substandard gear, or none at all. Yeesh! I took better precautions keeping the sports station guys who farted all the time out of my studio.
The CDC is really trying to pump up the comforting notion that the US is screening travelers from countries with Ebola. Knuckleheads! That list now includes the US! It's like that moment when you realize you can't check the children because THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!
Anyway, I was waiting at the Airport yesterday and got kicked out. All I did was shot "I've got Ebola!" You'd think playing Scrabble on my phone was a crime.

No one heard from Kim Jong Un for weeks (he's a lot like my agent) but he's been spotted! Even though North Korea's dictator was finally seen in public, many believe it was a double and he's actually deceased. This year's big Halloween movie in Pyongyang? "Night of the living Kim Jung-Un Dead."

Florida police are searching for the thieves who stole a truck carrying 18-tons of Crisco Shortening. You steal 18-tons of Crisco, what do you get? A high risk of heart disease and increasingly fat.

Did you know President Obama has now played 200 rounds of golf since becoming president? Vice President Joe Biden has played over 300 rounds of miniature golf, but can't anymore because they caught him sneaking a smoke behind the windmill.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1914, the Clayton Antitrust Act was passed. Ever since then, we've never trusted anyone named Clayton.

The Serbia v. Albania qualifying match for the Euro 2016 soccer tournament in Belgrade had to be called off. The two countries have long had major tension. No visiting fans were allowed in the stadium so when someone piloted a drone carrying the Albanian flag over the pitch, the stadium lost its collective mind. Fans threw flares, fought with players, riot police arrived. Wow, in the SEC we just poison each other's trees.

News from Russia says that CIA leaker Edward Snowden has gotten back together with his old girlfriend. Snowden replied, "Shhh! It was supposed to be a secret. Nice work, Commie!"

There's an evangelical televangelist preacher who's doing exorcisms by Skype. I'm okay with it as long as he's not taking selfies with Satan.

And here's today's random story that will hopefully get yesterday's leech story out of your brain!

There's a company out of Holland that wants to make sure your next of kin can remember your questionable decisions long after you're gone. Yep, they slice off your tattoo and preserve it after you're dead. Awesome, because who doesn't want mom's tribal tramp stamp to hang over the mantle? Just make sure you leave it in your will who gets which tattoo – don't want the kids having to fight over who gets custody of daddy's Chinese symbol that really means "General Tso's Chicken."
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Location : BelgradeDallasFloridaPyongyang
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 14 2014 8:20AM
The head of the Centers for Disease Confusion says there's no evidence proving that dogs can get Ebola. The dog belonging to the Dallas nurse with Ebola has been quarantined because everything Dr. Dude from the CDC has said has been incorrect. If this guy gets fired from the CDC had make a fantastic Iraqi Information Minister. Meanwhile, the Louisiana Attorney General is fighting to block the incinerated remains of the late Ebola patient, Thomas Duncan, disposed of at a hazardous materials waste facility in his state. Although, he's all for throwing the head of the CDC into a wood-chipper.

Standard and Poor's has downgraded Finland's rating from AAA to AA+. I didn't even know it wore a bra.

North Korea's Kim Jong Un is still missing, fueling rumors he's been removed from power and is now merely a figurehead. If that's true, from now on when Kim wants to murder a relative, he's going to have to make it look like a car accident. It's the same deal Queen Elizabeth has.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1947, Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound. He flew so fast, he heard people congratulating him before he landed.

On this date in 1066, The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. They fought over pudding?

It's time to get out and hit the "After Indigenous People's Day Sales!"

Sunday's season 5 premiere of "The Walking Dead" included a warning, "May not be suitable for children." You think we might have figured that out during the first four seasons?

Florida State is investigating quarterback Jameis Winston over signing autographs for money. In 2012, Winston got into trouble for shooting out windows with a BB gun. The next year was that alleged sexual assault. Last April, he stole crab legs. In September he was was shouting obscene phrases on campus and now he's in trouble for violating NCAA rules. Boy, Florida State is a tough school. No sixth chances with them! Screw up 5 times and they investigate you!

Warning! The most horrible news story you'll read all day is below. I stumbled across it and had to share the complete Lovecraftian terror with you, I wish I'd never read it. But it's also just too awful to pass up so, you're welcome.

Daniela Liverani, a 24-year-old Scottish woman, returned from a backpacking trip through Vietnam with a very special souvenir. And by "very special" I mean "horrifyingly disturbing." She started getting weird nosebleeds, which she assumed were due to a recent motorcycle crash. That is, until a THREE INCH LEECH STARTED TO DROOP OUT OF HER NOSE. One of the bonuses of backpacking through 'Nam; nose leeches. Anyway, here's what Liverani had to say, "He would come right out as far as my bottom lip...last Thursday, I jumped out of the shower to really look closely in the mirror and I saw ridges on him. That's when I realized he was an animal." WTH? Doctors say the leech would soon have burrowed into her brain and oh my goodness why did I even read this story. Seriously, my skin's crawling. I'm thinking this chick doesn't have a lot of face-to-face interaction with people. Sometimes it's a good idea to pick your nose.
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 13 2014 8:19AM
A Dallas nurse now has Ebola and her neighbors are reacting with logic and calm. Nah, I'm lying. They're FREAKING OUT. Meanwhile, Former President Bush is the latest to criticize the Obama Administrations handling of the Ebola outbreak. W says if HE were still president, he'd have invaded Ebola long ago.

The UN is warning us that ISIS may soon overrun the Bagdad airport. Well what are they waiting for? Write them a strongly-worded letter STAT!

It was fight night at the NASCAR race in Charlotte. Some guy named Brad bumped two other guys and they were just so pig-biting mad at him, they confronted him after the race. Some guy named Matt tackled this Brad guy while a third guy, Denny, was restrained by his crew. They could all be charged with impersonating some guy named Tony. Stay classy, guys!

The Halloween pumpkins on display in the White House this year were all grown in Michelle Obama's vegetable garden, two of them are huge! At least Michelle can claim she can grow a pair.

Disney is investing $1.3 billion into Disneyland Paris to deal with complaints of poor maintenance, lousy food and mediocre attractions. The first thing I'd fix would be "It's a rude world after all."

Scientists are baffled by hundreds of "green eggs" which have been washing up on a beach near Sydney, Australia. Although, I don't know why I'm reporting this story, because I do not like green eggs and sand. I do not like them here nor there, I do not like them anywhere.

LSU's Jamal Adams was lightly grazed on Saturday by Florida's Andre DeBose, but flopped to the turf as if he'd been shot. Florida was penalized 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct, while Adams was charged with impersonating a soccer player.

A creepy clown photography project in Wasko, California has gone viral and is fueling rumors of a band of murderous clowns on the loose. The Creepy Clown Project would NEVER fly in Alabama. If someone tired it here the headlines would read "Photo project goes viral – Creepy clown shot dead."

And … A hair extension giveaway in Florida turned violent when an unruly mob of angry women had to be pepper sprayed by police. Stories like this make me want to curl up and dye. Not to split hairs, but it is unbeweavable the women acted like this.
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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 10 2014 8:18AM
A passenger threw up on a United Airlines flight and a HAZMAT party broke out at Birmingham Shuttlesworth Airport. Emergency crews swarmed the area, passengers and crew had to stay on the plane which might actually be worse than catching Ebola. The ill passenger was taken to UAB hospital where officials say he doesn't seem to have Ebola. Seem? Hmmm… they said the same thing in Dallas when they turned Thomas Eric Duncan away the first time. In case you don't know over what you should freak out; Ebola causes headaches, nausea and is very difficult to get rid of. Kind of like your in-laws at Christmas.

Malala Yousafzai ruins it for other 17 year old girls by winning the Nobel Peace Prize. When I was 17, I couldn't handle the simple task of remembering where I left my math book much less campaign for women's education after BEING SHOT IN THE HEAD BY THE TALIBAN. Malala SHOULD have won the Peace Prize last year, but the Committee awarded it to a group working to get rid of chemical weapons. Ironically, Syrian President Bashar al Assad got rid of his chemical weapons shortly after the awards were announced (by deploying them on his own people).
This award has turned into a joke; it's hard to take the Nobel Chemistry Prize seriously when it wasn't given to the people who discovered Pumpkin Spice Everything.


North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is still missing. Anybody check under the couch? He's been MIA since September 3rd and even Dennis Rodman doesn't know where he is.

Former President Jimmy Carter is criticizing President Obama's "strategy" against ISIS. Wow. You KNOW that when Jimmy Carter criticizes you … you barely notice. Because it's Jimmy Carter. When did he show back up? Should he be hanging mosquito nets in Africa or something?

Seattle, Washington has been ranked as America's #1 city for pedestrian safety. And even if you do hit one with your car, the constant rain washes away the evidence.

The Secret Service says 60% of the threats against the President are made online. The rest just walk in the front door of the White House.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1978, President Jimmy Carter signed a bill that resulted in the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin. It was an even bigger failure than the Susan A. Anthony dollar coin. How much legacy can one man leave behind? Wow, 2 JC stories in one day? How … ordinary.

A new study claims the marriage break up rate is similar for gay AND straight couples. So EVERYONE has a 50-50 shot at divorce.

There are reports that some iPhone 6 users say the devices sometimes pull out their hair. Let me know if you still need to borrow my Galaxy to call Apple's complaint line again.

Actress Jan Hooks died Thursday at age 57. She was part of the 'SNL' cast back when it was funny from 1986-91. Yet the Kardashians remain alive and well, there is no fairness.

Green Day & Nine Inch Nails have been nominated for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Yeah, apparently we've gotten that far down on the list.

Columbus Day is Monday. And we're not off why? I don't care that Vikings found us before this maniac did, I just want to sleep till 6am.

The upscale ISIS Bridal Boutique in San Diego is changing its name because people are cancelling due to the bad press associated with ISIS. That and they're afraid Obama will take the shop out with a drone strike. Just FYI -- there actually is an ISIS Bridal Boutique in Iraq. They have exploding bridal bouquets. Sometimes, people 2 villages over catch them.

And … "7th Heaven" actress Sarah Goldberg dies at age 40 the same week fellow cast member Steven Collins is accused of molestation. Coincidence? Actually, yes. Yes it completely is.
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 9 2014 8:18AM
Thomas Eric Duncan no longer has to fear prosecution in Liberia and Texas for smuggling Ebola to the US inside his bloodstream … because he died yesterday. Now, Health Officials say they are going to prevent the spread of Ebola through airport screenings. Even though passengers still have to take off their shoes and wade through airport foot-filth, they will have their temperature taken, fill out a questionnaire and will be forced to pinky-swear that they're super-duper sure they don't have Ebola. Mr. Duncan LIED on his questionnaire. GET US STRONGER QUESTIONAIRES STAT!

Get this -- the sheriff's deputy who served quarantine papers at the apartment may now have Ebola. Thomas Eric Duncan's family swears that while he might have Ebola-ed the sheriff, but did not Ebola the deputy.*

It's like Ferguson the Sequel. In St Louis, an armed black teen was shot and killed after firing at a white police officer. Residents responded rationally and with quiet dignity. Just kidding, they went on the march chanting "FIGHT BACK, FIGHT BACK" and some people got new flat-screen TV's.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. If he wins, the name of the award will be changed to the Nobel Peace Only if You Surrender Prize.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1781 George Washington fired the first shot in the siege of Yorktown. Not many people know it was a Jell-O shot.

In 1876, the very first two-way telephone conversation took place. Had my mother been involved, it still would have only been a one-way call. (Unless you caught her between breaths).**

Barclays, the British multinational investment bank, says the spread of Ebola beyond West Africa could lead to "turmoil" on international financial markets. Wait -- we've struck turmoil? Drill, baby, drill!"

Alexander Kjerrulff, winner of the H.P. Lovecraft last-name award, is an author who is an expert in workplace happiness and harmony. Mr. Can-I-Buy-A-Vowel says the key to longevity is loving your job. If this is true, President Obama died 2 scandals ago.

U.S. life expectancy has increased by 6 weeks! Although, you'll probably spend those 6 extra weeks waiting in line for the iPhone7.

Because of their Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Donald Trump's name has been stripped from his Atlantic City casinos. Donald Trump was really angry. Even that thing on the top of his head was growling.

Artificial Intelligence experts say that over the next few years, robots will be taking most people's jobs. May I request we start with the raking leaves robots? Or the laundry-putting-up robots?

*WOW. Pack a lunch or two. That was a long way to go.

**Oops. She's reading this.
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