December 21, 2014
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by Lisa Mason posted Dec 19 2014 8:40AM
You better watch out! You better not cry! You better not pout! I'm telling you why: North Korea has your username and password.
Yeah, Sony Pictures caved to threats from Best Korea and canceled the Christmas Day release of "The Interview." Now what are we supposed to do on Christmas? I'm just surprised to learn there's a working computer in North Korea – I think it runs on diesel though. Funny thing is, if the DPRK hadn't made such a complainey-pants fussy-fuss about this movie, we barely would have noticed it. "The Interview" probably would have gone gently into that good clearance DVD bin at The Walmarts and that would have been it. NOW, however, it's become our national duty to download the flick. For Freedom.

The facebook group #BlackLivesMatter-Birmingham plans protests at major traffic areas this afternoon. Sadly, their message is being overpowered by the emotions on both sides of the demonstration. The only thing anyone knows for certain now, is that the COMMENTS section on AL.com is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. It's the Mos Eisley Spaceport of the internet. If you have a little too much faith in Humanity this season, hop over to the comments section of the protest story and that faith will be gone faster than Christmas fudge.

Layoffs are starting at the New York Times. What made it worse is that the employees first read about it in the New York Post. Online.

Seriously – hey North Korea. Is it OK with you if I watch "Guardians of the Galaxy" again on Christmas if Santa brings it? Because that was the best thing I've seen in years.

A massive, record-setting python has been caught in Florida. Hey quick – call that Discovery Channel guy! We'll get that idiot eaten by a snake yet.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1777, George Washington and his Continental Army begin their grim winter encampment at Valley Forge. The next year, they all voted to go to Florida.

The Dalai Lama says there should be no more Dalai Lama's after his death. Of course, the Chinese government feels we should make that retroactive and start now. Can we start with a Kardashian instead?

Oh, just so you know … North Korea is now in charge of ALL upcoming films, so you indie directors in town must first submit your screenplays to Kim Jong Un. If you have a test reel, send that along as well. Just make sure it is in Betamax format.

Scientists in England say they've figured out how cows communicate with each other. How's that cure for cancer coming guys?

And … We don't know why we need it but Tim Burton says he will direct the sequel to "Beetlejuice." Maybe North Korea can do us a solid and stop this one too?
Filed Under :
Location : BirminghamFlorida
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 18 2014 8:05AM
Soon we'll be able to visit Cuba without first being detained as terror suspects! I have a couple of friends from Cuba – one of them tells me you know you're Cuban when people tell you to stop yelling – when you're actually just speaking normally. I've never known a time when U.S./Cuban diplomatic relations were normal. Think this will be successful? I say close, but no cigar.

Sony has cancelled the New York premiere of "The Interview," because The "Guardians of Peace" threatened violent attacks on any theaters showing it and any people watching it. Where was this group when "Funny People" came out?

Hey look! Katie Holmes turns 36 today. She showed us that all it takes to be successful in Hollywood is work hard, believe in your abilities and have Tom Cruise's baby.

Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and Frozen. Yeah, it was that kind of year.

And … Hanukkah started Tuesday evening, and gas prices keep going down. It's no coincidence. During Hanukkah, oil lasts 8 times as long. Wish I had that luck with my cell phone battery.
Filed Under :
Location : HavanaNew York
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 16 2014 7:59AM
I'm just skipping over all of the major headlines. It's all too depressing. All those terrible stories PLUS the fact that in today's Nearly Impossible Trivia, we learned that in Icelandic folklore everyone who doesn't have a new article of clothing by Christmas Eve gets eaten by the dreaded Yule Cat, a vicious beastie owned by a family of trolls. Do shoes count? Because while I was out shopping for you, I found some shoes for me. Golly! Between Flesh-eating Icelandic felines, the Greek Christmas goblins, and the Krampus … it seems Christmas is trying to kill us all. Maybe we should all switch to Hanukkah? The only things trying to kill you with that is the entire Seleucid Empire, but we don't have those in the SEC. Anyway, here's the rest of the news…

I know I don't want to be anywhere dogs are not welcome, so it's great that Pope Francis came out and said that yes, dogs DO go to heaven. Poor Snoop Dog must be upset he changed his name to Snoop Lion and is now out in the cold.

The Department of Homeland Security says 100 Million Americans could lose power during a major sun storm. I guess the only thing we can do is hope that it happens at night.

The United States has reached a $60 million reparations deal with France in which several thousand US citizens, who were shipped to Nazi death camps on French trains, will receive financial payouts. Next up, reparations for African-Americans, and then reparations for Major League Baseball players who just missed the big money era.

Michelle Obama took the First Dogs, Bo and Sunny, to a children's hospital on Monday. She let kids meet the dogs and then read them a story, "The Grinch who Redistributed Christmas."

California is spending $5 million on an earthquake detection system that could give you up to a minute warning that a major quake is about to hit. It's up to you to decide if you use that minute to seek safety or to delete your browser history.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1811, Missouri suffered an earthquake that was equivalent to 12.0 on the Richter scale. Needless to say, no one had to stir paint for a month.

Mama June from "Honey Boo Boo" and that guy Sugar Bear have been offered $1 million to make an adult film. I think we should offer $2 million for them to not.

A movie theater in Russia has replaced their seats with beds to make for the feeling of having a slumber party. Like you can stay awake for anything you rent at home on Friday nights...

As more allegations are made against Bill Cosby, his wife is asking, "Who is the victim here?" Uh Camille? I think it might be you.

Police in Pocatello, Idaho had to shoot and kill a cow who escaped from a slaughterhouse. Great, now everyone from PETA is going to be wearing shirts that say "Hooves up, don't shoot!"
Filed Under :
Location : CaliforniaIdahoMissouri
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 15 2014 8:19AM
Still monitoring the café situation in Sydney. It's about 8:30 here and fortunately there are still no injuries. Christmas is a busy time in Australia – the heat is sweltering and the surf's up – here's hoping the police there have this bad guy's shrimp on the barbie soon. It's already Tuesday Down Under, so I hope that nothing bad happens there on our today otherwise it might ruin their whole yesterday. It's confirmed 5 people escaped the gunman, they were not released, they just ran. Wow! Here's to the Aussies: a remarkably tough lot. They have to be tough because most everything in their entire nation is trying to kill them.

Congress has gone on recess. It's the time of year when they don't get anything done at home, rather than in Washington, D.C.

On this date in 1836, the patent office in Washington, DC, burned to the ground. If only they had approved that patent for a fire extinguisher sooner.

Kim Kardashian says she gained weight while she was pregnant because God was punishing her for being "so hot." He also must have done something about her modesty.

Don Johnson from the old "Miami Vice" series turns 65 today. Back then, he walked around looking cool with no socks. These days, there are two things he always has on: his black socks and his turn signal.

A new study carried out to discover who is more inclined to make idiotic decisions, men or women, has come to a conclusion. The short version? No woman anywhere has ever said "Hey, y'all…watch this!"

On this date in 1944 that Dwight Eisenhower became a five-star general. For those not familiar with military terms, that meant he was really spicy.

Cheerio's is coming out with a new 'Ancient Grains' cereal that mixes up traditional oats with Kamut wheat and spelt! Apparently, it's for parents who don't believe in spanking.

You know Christmas is celebrated differently in other parts of the world? For example, here we hang mistletoe over our heads. In North Korea, Dictator Kim Jong Un hangs the threat of nuclear missile-toe over everybody's head.

Scientists say they have perfected facial reading and recognition technology to the point where they could now install devices in comedy clubs that would charge the customers admission based on how much they enjoyed the show. I may never get paid again.
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 12 2014 7:20AM
Congress was up all night again concocting a trillion-dollar last-minute spending bill to avoid a government shutdown. I'm starting to think politicians only do this for that free, tax-payer funded pizza they deliver to the Hill all night long.

A temporary runway closure in Sydney, Australia diverted a United Airlines flight to Canberra … where passengers sat for three hours before being allowed to loiter on the tarmac for 7 hours. Carnival Cruise lines is suing for theft of intellectual property.

Human rights groups are still fuming after the Senate released a 600 page report condemning the CIA's enhanced interrogation program. Ironically, reading it was torture.

Lufthansa Airlines will soon allow pet birds of prey on their flights? Are they out of their FALCON minds?

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1818 Mary Todd Lincoln was born. If you're curious, yes, she did enjoy the play. Too soon?

On this date in 1953, Chuck Yeager flew two and a half times the speed of sound. He flew so fast, while flying he could hear himself landing. He was actually able to hear people say "Congratulations" before they even said it.

Starbucks is trying out an upscale version of its stores -- called the Reserve Roastery and Tasting Room. It is exactly like a regular Starbucks but even more expensive.

A new scientific study says the color of a mug may change the perception of the way coffee tastes. Great. How is that cure for cancer coming guys?

And … A Canadian doctor is being hailed as a hero for his blistering notes written to employers who require sick workers, not to stay home and rest, but go to the doctor and bring back a note. The jist of the note is, "You are an ogre. Stop wasting my valuable time by involving me in your petty policies." Hopefully this will inspire empoyers to display some trust in their employees. Not the employees who constantly fake being sick, mind you. Which reminds me… I've got Guardians of the Galaxy on Netflix at home and … uh…I'm not feeling well today *cough.*
Filed Under :
Location : CanberraSydney
People : Chuck Yeager
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 11 2014 7:49AM
92-year old Christopher Lee is out with a heavy metal Christmas album. He's been cooler in every one of his 92 years than we have in our collective lives.

The medical practitioners who risked a grisly death to halt the spread of Ebola in Africa just barely managed to beat pop singer Taylor Swift for the honor of being named Time Magazine's 'Person of the Year.' Their version of 'Welcome to New York' was not met with nearly as much glee.

Youth education activist Malala picked up her Nobel Peace Prize yesterday in Norway. When I was her age I couldn't even FIND my math book – SHE was shot by the Taliban for demanding an education. Outstanding. Although, I DO think whoever invented coffee should win the Nobel Prize too.

Several young children in Australia have become seriously ill after drinking contaminated raw cow's milk. Don't know who's responsible for the contamination, but Australian police have issued an all-points bulletin for Eight Maids A' Milking. It's actually quite easy to avoid drinking contaminated dairy products over the holidays, just do what I do; purify your eggnog with several ounces of spiced rum.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1953, Anchorage, Alaska, got its first TV station. Talk about an easy job -- being the weatherman there! "Snow, with a chance of more snow, making way for even more snow later. But enough about summer."

A Korea Air executive caused a flight to be delayed 20 minutes while she chewed out flight attendants for not opening her bag of macadamia nuts. Sounds like at least one nut got out of the pouch.

This is madness! A New York Rangers hockey player, who had part of his ear slashed off during a game this week, went to the hospital, had his ear reattached, and then he made it back to the game in time to score the winning goal in overtime! And how appropriate it was that the play-by-announcer screamed, "Vincent Van GOOOAAAALLLLLL!" Wow. Hope you packed a lunch.

And… Data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics says that using comparable wages for similar jobs, Santa Claus would be paid $140,000 a year. Similar jobs? Ok we've got delivery man, pilot, I guess zoo keeper since he probably cares for his own reindeer. We can also add Union boss (hey – SOMEONE has to keep the elves in line. Plus since he's technically the CEO of the North Pole he has to provide healthcare). What other comparable jobs does Santa have? SUREVEILANCE! He sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake – every step you take every smile you fake, he'll be watching you! I could go on but 140 grand a year for all that work seems ... low. Poor Santa, I hope Mrs. Claus isn't expecting a pair of Louboutins this year.
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 10 2014 8:08AM
This is frightening. I'm used to my news blog only being read by people who have known me for a decent length of time. Well that's all changed because I'm now on in beautiful Louisville, KY and 107.7 the Eagle has linked to my news, thus exposing tens of unsuspecting people to read this thinking it's actual news. I suppose I COULD start doing actual news but no one else in the media does so why bother? Anyway – hello Louisville!

In what is most likely an attempt to distract us from something important that's going on, the Senate releases that torture report they've been wanting. NOW human rights activists are calling for war crimes charges against former officials. The UN says this report reads like a horror movie. Syrian President Bashir al Assad says it reads more like "Fifty Shades of Grey."

NATO has officially closed their joint combat mission with the U.S. in Afghanistan after more than 13 years. "You say 'Nayto,' I say 'Notto,' let's call the whole thing off!"

Did you catch the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show? Victoria didn't want to give up any secrets, so CBS paid CIA contractors to torture her.

The football coach at Columbia University has resigned after allegations of making players continue playing after suffering concussions. Players defended the coach saying that he never coddled egg couch long-sleeve chew toy.

President Obama went to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center over the weekend where he was diagnosed with acid reflux. It's the exact same condition Michelle Obama's lunch suggestions have given every public school kid in America. Those doctors at Walter Reed are funny. When Obama first came in to the emergency ward, they told him his insurance wouldn't allow him to keep his old doctor and he'd have to be seen by undocumented physicians at the Harry Reid Medical Center.

Two major Max bus service routes are being cut in Homewood. Tens of people are going to be inconvenienced.
And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1898, the Spanish-American War ended and the U.S. acquired Guam from Spain along with a second round draft pick to be named later.

This day in 1901, the very first Nobel Peace prizes were handed out. They considered giving out several types of awards, but decided to give Peace a chance.

Prince William and Duchess Katherine wanted to see an NBA game while they were in New York, especially since the Knicks were playing Cleveland. That way their first experience would be the King James edition.

Americans are STILL furious that that guy on the Discovery Channel was NOT eaten alive by an anaconda. See? Peter Pan Live was only the SECOND worst thing on TV.

A marine biologist in California discovered a very rare 12-pound lobster. That ties in perfectly with the 12 days of Christmas -- a pound of lobster a day. Well, perfectly, except for the lobster.

The Oxford English Dictionary released it's new words of the year last week, marking a trend. Scholars say the English language is approaching 1 million words, far out-pacing other languages. Example; the French have only about 100,000-words, 25,000 of which are different kinds of cheese and another 70,000 that are variations on the word "surrender."

And … Harvard scientists claim they have invented an obesity pill that transforms 'bad' fat to 'good'... which could replace the need for exercise. Just make them bacon-flavored and we're done!
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 9 2014 8:06AM
Today's release of a comprehensive report on the CIA's enhanced interrogation techniques after 911 has the country on edge. If you don't know the difference between torture and an enhanced interrogation technique, here's an example. A lit cigarette to the face is torture. Honey Boo Boo is an enhanced interrogation technique. No...Wait a minute... I think I got this backwards.

During a surprise visit to Afghanistan, outgoing Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel answered lingering questions about the ability of Afghani security forces to go it alone against the Taliban next year. Hagel says, "Every sign is they can do this." Awesome. Our foreign policy is now a Magic-8-Ball that says, "All signs point to yes." I'm just waiting for "Reply hazy, ask again later."

Prince William delivered a heartfelt speech about the illegal wildlife trade yesterday in DC. I think he's just being selfish. Every time he and his dad go on African safaris, poachers try to kill Prince Charles for his ivory.

And a few things you need to know…

In 1941, China declared war against Italy, Germany and Japan. Wow, they were having a bad day.

CBS' "Two and a Half Men" will have its series finale in February. I can't wait to not watch it.

Sad news! Ken Weatherwax, the actor who played Pugsley on "The Addams Family" TV show, died Sunday of a heart attack at age 59! Would have been weird if he'd died on Wednesday. When he rings the bell at the Pearly Gates, at least Lurch will be there to answer. Man I love that show.

The TGI Friday's restaurant in Brooklyn has a drone problem. No, Obama isn't bombing them, they bought "mistletoe drones" that would fly around the dining area carrying springs of mistletoe and hover over diners to get them to kiss. One of the drones ended up hitting a photographer in the face so they're grounded. Seriously, TGI Friday's? You know the only people you have the option of kissing in TGI Friday's are your coworkers, your grandparents, or your kids. All terrible kissers!

This is driving me nuts; ALL the news channels are all over the #RoyalVisit to New York City. For the love, fashion bloggers, stop calling her Kate Middleton. She's Catherine Mountbatten-Windsor, the Duchess of Cambridge. She said she doesn't even like the nickname "Kate." So, what point am I trying to make? Er … none really. I just want a fancy title. Think about it, if we are going to define ourselves as African American, or Italian American, or Martian American or Southern to honour our heritage… why can't we also have titles like the Brits do to honour the fact that some of us are Supreme Allied Commander of the TV Remote? I'd like to be Her Royal Majesty of Fixing Questionable Breakfast on Saturday.

And ... The Discovery Channel is catching major flack for their "Eaten Alive" special in which an idiot attempted to be swallowed whole by an anaconda. The only thing being "eaten" was two hours of viewers' lives. I always learn something whenever I watch Discovery Channel – though recently I've learned that I should never watch the Discovery Channel again.
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 8 2014 8:16AM
Alabama won the SEC Championship again, Florida State is now screaming that THEY want to take on the Tide for the national title. Don't the Seminoles have bigger problems? Right now the Tallahassee police department is in the running for MVP.

The ratings are in from Peter Pan live – and they're not good. Most Americans were spared from the awfulness by just not watching it. Seems everyone was waiting for Christopher Walken to break out more cowbell.

Cam Newton started a huge on-field brawl yesterday between the Carolina Panthers and the New Orleans saints. All players involved could be charged with impersonating protesters from New York and Ferguson.

Speaking of protests, hundreds of protesters swarmed outside La Scala opera house in Milan. As angry Italians threw Molotov cocktails at police, the orchestra inside remained composed.

In North Korea, Dictator Kim Jong Un, has ordered everyone in the country also named 'Kim Jong Un' to change their names. So far, the #1 choice for alternative names is Kim Jong Cougar Mellencamp.

And a few things you need to know …

Eli Whitney was born on this date in 1765. Eli, of course, is famous for inventing the cotton gin. Unfortunately, he died before the cotton tonic was invented.

Will and Kate, Prince George and Princess Baby-bump are getting a tour of New York. You know why the royals crossed the road? Neither do I but we're going to have to hear about it for the next month because the news crews are obsessed with them.

The users of IMDB.com have deemed Kirk Cameron's new Christmas movie officially ho-ho-horrible.

Oklahoma police have arrested a pair of men who tried to rob a woman at a gas station while dressed as Batman and Captain America. Witnesses said Batman fled the scene in a Ford pickup with a bumper sticker reading "My Other Getaway Vehicle is the Batmobile."

A new report says that 8% of Americans suffer from depression. I had no idea there were that many Missouri fans.
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 5 2014 7:24AM
Only a quick mention of things mostly making news today. I have an early eye doctor appointment and won't be able to see to type, so I had to go no-huddle on today's entry. Not that I huddle on ANY day's entry ever. I'm like the Oregon Ducks of hack-news blogs. I even change uniforms every quarter.

The Orion spacecraft launched this morning! It was built in Alabama, roll tide. The Orion is the first step in man's travelling to Mars and farther away from all of the Kardashians.

In North Korea, people who have the same name as Kim Jong Un have been ordered to change their names. When you think about it, if there's someone's mail you wouldn't want to accidentally receive, his would have to be near the top of the list.

The US Food and Drug Administration says they're reorganizing in a new effort to focus on the quality of drugs. They're considering changing their name to "The Drug and Drug and Drugs Again, and Then Maybe A Little Food Later Administration."

A University of Texas research lab is missing 100-human brains. I suppose we can immediately rule out the U.S. Senate. It's a no-brainer that the guy will be fired.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1484, the Pope set down severe penalties against German witches and magicians... but only for a spell.

On this date in 1876, the pipe wrench was invented. Until that time, there was one less weapon in the game of "Clue."

A former employee of Zillow is suing the real estate giant for sexual harassment. Not surprising, if they value their employees as little as they do my house.

A brother and sister in Minneapolis are opening the world's first vegan butcher shop. Silly. What's next? A sugar-free cotton candy stand?

Do you find it ironic that Bill Cosby's current comedy tour is called, "Far from finished?" Seems like he's getting a little closer every day.

And … just for recall's sake; check out that awesome picture of Orion on the Launchpad this morning. It's 7:40am as I post this so we've got a few more hours of orbit till Orion (safely) splashes down. I so wish this Orion test was manned. If I worked at NASA, I'd make the entire recovery and ground crews wear ape costumes just to freak out the returning astronauts.
Filed Under :
Location : AlabamaMinneapolisTexas
People : Bill CosbyKim Jong Un
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