October 31, 2014
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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 31 2014 8:21AM
Happy Halloween! Don't expect much from the news today – The whole staff came in costume and the plume from my pirate hat keeps flopping in my eyes and it's hard to type. Plus I'm getting out of here early because of the BOO Halloween Party at B&A tonight. I hate the fact it's going down to 33 degrees tonight because wearing a coat over your costume is the worst. #FirstWorldProblem. In lieu of content or humor, here: have a picture of my dog wearing her Halloween collar.

Kaci Hickox – who will end up on the next Dancing with the Stars at this rate – still refuses to be quarantined and went for a bike ride yesterday. She just wants attention and money, I just want to show her how to do her eyebrows correctly. I'm waiting for the headline: "Obnoxious Maine Nurse Defies Home Ebola Quarantine. Seen Bobbing for Apples."

Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Big deal? There was a time when it wasn't PC to say that. Of course, he's not a fan of PC's, so never mind. Side note – did he HAVE to act so tacky when he was here the other day? What a colossal jerk. "Hi Mr Cook, we'd like to honour you with an award!" "Great I'll use it as an opportunity to make fun of you."

Google is working on a pill that can detect illness. You simply take it, it checks your body, and if it finds a disease, it goes "Bing!" Uh, they're going to have to work on that last part.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1956, an American landed a plane at the South Pole for the very first time, in one of the worst time-share swaps in recorded history.

A Lowe's store in California is using robots to assist shoppers. It works pretty much like your Smartphone. You ask it "Which aisle has the hammers?" and it replies, "Why would you want to file your slammers?"

Vice President Joe Biden is set to visit Turkey in November. Yes, he's going to 'Turkey' in November! Talk about a target-rich joke environment. Asked why he scheduled the trip, President Obama said he's trying to improve strained relationships between the White House and comedy writers.

Whirlpool is selling a "smart" washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet where, ironically, most people put their dirty laundry. To wash your clothes, you click on the stains and then hit CTRL+ All-Detergent+ Delete. Of course, you do have to worry about people hacking into your laundry.

It's not just washing machines. They now have smart refrigerators that connect to your personal devices to alert you when you're running low on food. I can see it now. You're smart fridge is on the blink, so you make a tech call to some starving guy in India to help you fix it. Do we really need smart appliances like this? Most Americans really need a refrigerator that automatically locks our fat butts out.

The stupid stupid time change is Sunday. I'm not going to remind you to set your clocks back because most of your stuff resets itself and you'll figure it out.

And … Taco Bell has unveiled their new mobile ordering app. I believe it includes being able to make restroom reservations.
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Topics : Human Interest
Location : California
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 30 2014 8:02AM
It's Halloween Eve. Do you open your bags of candy on Halloween Eve or Halloween morning?

President Obama continues nagging us to treat these Ebola healthcare workers with respect. We already do, except for the ones who behave so condescendingly obnoxious. All the drama really makes one question why Kaci Hickox, Amber Vinson, Dr. Nancy Snyderman and Dr. Craig Spencer entered the healthcare industry in the first place, since they seem to put personal convenience over the comfort of others. Hickox doesn't have Ebola, but with the mishandling of the epidemic from the start and public fears, why can't she just stay home with pay and food deliveries? Vinson flew to Ohio, Spencer LIED about his movements upon returning to the US, Snyderman left quarantine for take-out and Hickox is, of course, ready to sue. "Or-der! The court would like to call the crazy lady forward in Frivilous Lawsuit Case #400,937." Meanwhile, nurse Nina Pham still can't see her quarantined dog till Saturday and she's not raising a stink. Thanks for being a decent human being.

The White House computers have been hacked. It's unclear what, if any, data was compromised but President Obama's Facebook status was changed to read, "I'm a poopy-head" in Russian.

Speaking OF … Vladimir Putin is abolishing daylight saving time. This after he tried to say that he invaded the Ukraine simply to turn back their clocks.

In their ongoing efforts to create "a more harmonious society," China says it will vet all political candidates in Hong Kong to weed out (read: "KILL") dissenters. China will also try to promote a more harmonious society by banning Justin Bieber concerts.

Toyota has topped Consumer Reports reliability rankings. Apparently, they offer the most dependable recalls.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1938, Orson Welles did his famous broadcast of "War of the Worlds," which caused a nation-wide panic. People who tuned in late thought we really been invaded by Martians. Yes, there was a time where our country was one big dumb Honey-Boo-Boo family. Welles made it sound as though the U.S. was being taken over by aliens, which is what t many are claiming today.

On this date in 1945, the U.S. government ended national shoe rationing. Another reason I never would have survived World War II.

Papa John's has released a new pizza that's topped with beef, chili, onions, cheese, and Fritos corn chips. Papa John's? Shouldn't this be a TOMBSTONE? Great. I'm about to get more hate mail from the lady was offended by my diabetes joke yesterday.

It took all 7-games to decide this year's World Series Champion. Most people feel it's because the teams are evenly-matched, but today, Vice President Joe Biden blamed it on Republicans for stalling.

Did we need this? New guidelines are out charting the developmental progress of teenagers. The guidelines categorize teenagers into 5 distinct and separate categories. "Pre-Teen," Young-Teen," "Mid-Teen," "Elder Teen" and "Quarantine."

And …The Obamas are inviting kids to come trick or treating at the White House (they're probably handing out fruit or healthcare). The sign out front says, "Just follow the guys who jumped over the fence."


Actual content alert: Hey Gadsden State – I'm so sorry. A group of students working in connection with JPL had a water molecule experiment that was destined for the ISS. It was on board the Antares that exploded shortly after liftoff Tuesday, and was lost. That super sucks and I hope you can continue your work. So what went wrong? Orbital Sciences initially said the craft suffered a "catastrophic anomaly," which is kinda the space version of a "wardrobe malfunction." Interestingly, the Antares' first stage uses two AJ26 engines, which are refurbished variants of the NK-33 built by the commies for one of their many failed rockets. We don't know if the engines are to blame but my cold black heart goes out to Gadsden State for their hard work. "The sky is the limit only for those who aren't afraid to fly."
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 29 2014 7:37AM
There's not yet been an Amber Alert issued but America's Ebola Czar is missing. Ron Klain was last seen staring blankly ahead while being asked scientific questions about Ebola. Klain is a 53 year old white male with dark hair, if you see him notify the white house. Right now, the Ebola Czar is about as effective as the Gitmo-Closure Czar.
Not to stay on the Ebola thing but every state now has its own protocols for dealing with the possibly infected. In North Dakota, residents are required to continue living 80 miles from each other. In Florida, people are monitored until they are once again able eat faces while on bath salts. Here at home you'll be politely asked to stay home and drink sweet tea.

It's "Ash Wednesday" in Hawaii! 2,000 degree lava is threatening homes and property. Vice President Joe Biden promises to punish the lava lamp company responsible for the spill. It is crazy; you can't tell the evacuating homeowners running for their lives from the Democratic political candidates running from Obama.

If you get a call from Alabama Power warning that your power is about to be cut off, hang up. It's a scam that differs from the normal scam where Alabama Power calls to tell you they're cutting off your power.

The SEC says Auburn should have drawn a 5 yard penalty for having two players with the same number on the field for the final play of Saturday's game against South Carolina. It would have given the Gamecocks a second shot at a score. Given some of the calls we've seen this season, the Cocks could have scored and the refs wouldn't have known the difference.

Some ultra-religious groups are worried about the #1 movie in the US, "Ouija," because it could cause kids to open a door to Satan. These guys don't believe in science, but they DO believe in séance?

Speaking OF the talking dead, they're going to hold the annual séance to contact the spirit of Harry Houdini on Halloween night. This year they're also going to make an attempt to locate somebody who thinks President Obama is doing a good job with this Ebola thing.

And … Thailand is celebrating its annual "Vegetarian Festival," during which people traditionally shove knives and other sharp objects through their faces. The whole country looks like those snooty inked up baristas at Starbucks.
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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 28 2014 8:34AM
The Ebola Nurse in New Jersey has been told to stay isolated at home now that she's back in Maine. Kaci Hickox's lawyer says, "Nope." Well allrighty then! I know we're supposed to hail these health care workers as heroes, but this group is acting like jerks. Remember Nina Pham? She just wants to see her dog, she can't due to the quarantine. She's not suing. She's just sitting around being happy to be alive and being awesome. This latest drama is making my head hurt…

There are fears that ISIS has smuggled anti-aircraft missiles stolen in Syria into Iraq. This explains why at every Iraqi security check-point the soldiers ask, "Is that a rocket in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Hang on, I'm still mad. Our troops returning from West Africa are under a mandatory quarantine, but telling some chick from Maine to stay inside is akin to a Japanese internment camps? Bunch of whiney babies!

The floor is lava! No, it really is! Hawaii, birthplace of Obama (depending on whom you ask), is panicking because a volcano is erupting and towns may have to evacuate. You live on the side of an active volcano, Kamehameha, this should be no surprise.


Still ranting. Sure the quarantine is being overly-cautious, but it could also protect the idiot complaining about being isolated. When I was at Samford, a friend went to Africa as a missionary. She took a HOST of shots just to get over there, when she came back to Birmingham… she got sick. We all made fun of her for catching a "common cold" after she'd been inoculated against everything. She died of Malaria. Doctors thought it was a cold. If she'd been monitored, we might still have the pretty blonde with the voice of an angel. Point being, if you've been to a hot zone and someone imposes a quarantine, YOU might not end up 6 feet under. Quit whining, quit getting lawyers because you can't get to Maine. You have a responsibility to the public, and to yourself. Yeesh, this is not that hard.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry called the country of Tunisia, "A beacon of hope." In a related story, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie called the new Tuna Cheese Melt breakfast sandwich, "A beacon with bacon."

And seriously! These Ebola people "get" to stay home with pay for 21 days, have food delivered, get free health screenings, get their homes cleaned, can binge watch every show they've missed and Lobster Chick got a free private flight home to Maine! I'm starting to get jealous! Meet the NEW 1%ers.

New reports say China does the most international hacking, but Russia is the best at it. My friends say my obsession with Russian conspiracy theories is crazy. I wonder how much Russia paid them to say that…

On this date in 1904, St. Louis Police began using a new investigation method called fingerprints. On that same day, criminals began using a new device they called, "gloves."

John Kerry is visiting Canada to talk about the Parliament shooting, because they haven't suffered enough.

I WAS going to add another Ebola rant here but the sooner I get done whining I can go home and try to find the glitter bat Halloween decorations that I still can't find. #Priorities.

There's a baby wipe recall at Walgreen's, Family Dollar, Sam's Club and Diapers.com. They may be contaminated with bacteria, enjoy. Little known fact – the main ingredient in baby wipes is MOMMY SPIT. Mommy spit cleans EVERYTHING. A friend of mine knew she was pregnant when her salvia started cleaning everything from ink off her hand.

The White House is telling everyone to carve "green energy symbols" into Halloween pumpkins. Images of windmills and those crappy swirly bulbs and solar panels. How about I carve a giant middle finger on my pumpkin? Or an oil rig on top of a coal plant that's filled with baby seals getting clubbed? The thing that scares me is that Obama said, "If you like your pumpkin, you can keep your pumpkin!" NOOOOOOOOOOO!
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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 24 2014 8:08AM
Just when Ebola finally falls out of the headlines, a New York doctor has tested positive for the virus. Hey thanks for going to Africa to help fight Ebola then bringing it back home with you! Meanwhile, the NYPD has tested positive for knuckleheadedness after being seen on video removing their protective gear and simply tossing it into a public trashcan outside the infected doctor's apartment.
Know what's worse than the Ebola epidemic? The Jamberry Nail-thing epidemic. I've been added to 10 different groups on Facebook saying "IT'S AN ONLINE PARTY TAG YOUR FRIENDS HAHAHA THIS IS FUN." I imagine this is how it feels to be kidnapped by Boko Haram. THEY'D only make me convert to Islam, the Jamberry cult wants me to have wacky nail art. Stop tagging me in your nail groups or I'll show you where you can Jam that Berry. Sorry. I hate fun.

UAH shooter Amy Bishop wants her capital murder conviction and life sentence overturned. LOL. Bishop claims the state failed to prove she had the "requisite intent to kill" when she gunned down her colleagues in 2010. If you don't know the case, Amy is a psycho sundae with triple crazy-sauce and topped with some b!tch-sprinkles.

There have been so many White House fence jumpers being reported on all the 24-hour cable news stations lately, CNN is thinking of changing its name to "Jumper Cable."

4 Blackwater guards have been found guilty of murder in Iraq. Remember the Blackwater security firm? They were hired in Iraq to protect U.S. contractors there. Apparently, the U.S. outbid Iraqis who were trying to hire them to kill U.S. contractors there. I thought we were totally out of Iraq, but now they say we need to go back in. Strange, but 'iRaq' is like the iPhone. Every few months, there's a new version to deal with.

Attorney General Eric Holder offered his resignation weeks ago, but he's still on the job. This guy takes longer to say goodbye than Sam and Frodo in "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." I mean seriously, I fell asleep.

Takata Corp. manufactures the defective air bags which are installed in vehicles from 10 automakers. If you have these bags, no one should ride in the front passenger seat unless they want to take the Air Bag Challenge.

The Dalai Lama is in town this weekend! I'd love to go hear him speak at Region's Field but the parking situation downtown does bad things to my karma. Some* say the Dalai Lama should not be allowed to speak in Birmingham because he's "not a Christian." Because that kind of thinking is soooo Christian.** If you aren't familiar with other beliefs, the Dalai Lama is the head of a low-fat religion called "I Can't Believe it's Not Buddha."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1836, the match was patented. Reviewers called it "hot" and "striking."

Two months from today is Christmas Eve. Panic.

A semi-truck loaded with 44,000 pounds of Miller High Life beer was stolen in Florida. The suspects have been described as probably sleeping on the couch.

The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. And, if no one is eligible, the next level will be "fewest parole violations."

Kenny G has angered China after appearing at a pro-democracy rally. Police say he didn't organize the rally, but he was instrumental. Kenny G? Instrumental? Hello?
Oh by the way, China is launching a mission to the Moon and back. (Insert standard "an hour later" China joke here).

An itinerary map for fans detailing the Atlanta Falcons trip to London to play the Detroit Lions has a big red arrow which starts in Atlanta and ends up pointing directly at SPAIN, not England. No wonder Falcon receivers run such crummy routes.

And finally – a nutrition study says that Gladiators ate mostly a bean and grain diet. This explains why the most feared warrior of that era was named Farticus.

*Read "intolerant idiots."
** It's not.
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by Lisa Mason posted Oct 23 2014 7:58AM
A man in Canada went berserk Wednesday and attacked the Parliament Building. Bieber, Bieber Bieber... when will you learn? The shooter, a quiet Amish man, was allegedly disgruntled by the Prime Minister's domestic policy. Nah, I'm kidding. The guy was a convert to Islam and ISIS wants to stick it to Canada for joining the airstrikes.

The White House says only 5 U.S. airports will receive passengers flying from West Africa who may be infected with the Ebola virus. These airports will also now list "Arrivals," "Departures" and "The Dearly Departed."

Pope Francis says that God is not afraid of new things. Yeah well, apparently, he's never tried those new red velvet Oreos.

There was another White House fence jumper. This one was taken out by a K-9 unit before he could wander inside. At least the dogs are working at the White House, and have some knowledge of boarder security.


And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1956, the ill-fated revolt in Communist Hungary started but was later crushed by Soviet tanks. The leader of Hungary said, "I led this revolt and this is the tanks I get?"

On this day in 1946, the United Nations met in New York for the very first time. Of course, being the first day, nothing was really accomplished, a streak that has continued for 69 years.

I can scarcely believe people still have to be told "don't stare at the sun." There's a solar eclipse today, so don't look directly at it. I plan on watching the awe-inspiring grandeur of it on Instagram.

There will be no outdoor trick-or-treating in the Arviat community in Canada. It's not because of poisoned candy or creepy weirdos who want to kidnap the kids. It's bears! The annual polar bear migration makes it just a little unsafe for small, tasty children to go door-to-door without high powered rifles so they all have to go to the community center for some boring civic festivities. The only thing that could make Halloween worse for those kids is if everyone handed out fruit instead of candy.

And … Look out Pumpkin Spice! Starbucks is releasing its first new drink in 5 years, the Chestnut Praline Latte. At last, the long national nightmare is over.
Filed Under :
Location : New YorkWest Africa
People : Francis
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 22 2014 7:45AM
I couldn't find a picture to correspond with any of the stories, plus I'm sick of ISIS and Ebolanoia. So here: have a picture of my dog being awesome. Now for the news…

Homeland Security says they have implemented a very creative policy in which travelers from hard-hit Ebola countries may ONLY fly into one of five US airports. The thing is, most of those travelers already fly into those airports anyway. Can we just route them all straight into D.C. instead?

A trio of teenage girls from Denver who ran away from home to join ISIS, have been apprehended in Germany. German authorities have agreed to release the girls into the custody of the Department of Run Away from Home-Land Security. The Three Stoogettes say they would have made it to Syria if they hadn't run head-on into Democrats who were running away from President Obama.

Russia insists they have NOT lost a submarine near Sweden. So, Sweden continues searching for the missing Russian sub that issued a distress call in their waters. I always thought a Russian sub was a foot-long borscht sandwich with Russian dressing.

Toys 'R Us is removing their Breaking Bad action figures from its stores because a complainey-pants mom in Florida whined loudly enough. Next thing you know, she's going to want to make them get rid of the "My Little Freebase" dolls and the "Mr. Potato Head-Shop Playset."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1967, Apollo VII returned safely to Earth after orbiting 163 times and was unable to find a parking spot.

In 1981, the U.S. national debt topped $1 trillion. These days, that would mean congress was doing great.

A group of Miami politicians wants South Florida to break away and become our 51st state. Hey – you other states. You totally owe us and Georgia for acting as a barrier to keep Florida away from you.

FYI -- If you haven't come up with a costume for this year's BOO Halloween Party at B&A Warehouse, you could always go as Rene Zellweger's new face.

And … RIS. "Rest in Style." Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta has died at 82, receiving tributes from around the world, even from the Clinton family. Hillary wore many of Oscar's fashions, and though Chelsea had announced she'd wear an Oscar wedding dress, she eventually chose Vera Wang. Speaking of Clintons, dresses and Wang, Monica Lewinsky is back in the news...
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 21 2014 7:34AM
More people are now off quarantine in Texas, after the plague bomb was dropped from the Ebola Gay.
The CDC is now out with new guidelines for health workers dealing with Ebola patients. Among the directives like "don't lick the patient" is the suggestion to "wear protective gear that leaves neither skin nor hair exposed." Golly! So the CDC just figured out what doctors in hot zones overseas have known since 1977.

A new poll says 70% of Americans don't believe in President Obama's strategy to eliminate ISIS. Why doesn't the White House just use the same strategy on destroying ISIS that they used on destroying those IRS emails?

Oscar Pistorius will only spend 5 years in prison for the murder of his girlfriend. The light sentence was due to new evidence that was found outside his home that could have acquitted him: footprints. When he gets out, Blade Runner gets to be President of South Africa, right? Isn't that how it works over there?

Parents are upset at a line of Christmas toys being sold at Toys "R" Us inspired by the series "Breaking Bad." They make the Easy-Bake Meth Oven sound like a bad thing!

This is just sick. A Russian Nazi group held a "Miss Hitler" contest. The winner received 5,000 rubles and a chance to invade Poland.

The head of the TSA is retiring. They plan to have a party for him but before he leaves, he has to remove everything in his pockets, as well as his shoes and belt.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1939 that women's nylon hosiery went on sale for the first time. There was a big run on them.

Happy birthday to Princess Leia! She turns 58 today. The Empire apparently still hasn't located her.

This week is the Orionid Meteor shower. There are far worse reasons to be in your yard wearing pajamas at 4AM. Since the moon isn't full – you've got a good shot at seeing some falling stars. That's a lot of wishes to make! Maybe if we all wish for the same thing it'll definitely come true. Join me "I wish they sold 6 pack abs at Target."

The world is a lot less fashionable today, Designer Oscar de la Renta has died at age 82. No! Why do we have to lose Oscar and not whomever designed Crocs?

The search continues near Stockholm for a missing "mystery sub." Sweden intercepted a distress call in Russian but Russia denies losing a sub. Right. "Andrei, you've lost ANOTHER submarine?"

And … Scientists were shocked to find a puppy-sized spider in the rain forests of South America. NOPE NOPE NOPE. This thing is HUGE. Did they find Frodo's dead body nearby? OMG finish the Jumanji game so it'll go back!
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Location : StockholmTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 20 2014 8:05AM
The quarantine period is over for dozens of people who had direct contact with the Ebola patient who died in Dallas. Meanwhile the US now has an Ebola Czar! This guy knows everything about Ebola that Wikipedia has to offer. I can't believe we've gone this far with the Ebola thing and haven't yet reached out to Jack Bauer.
Did you hear that the family of Thomas Duncan is complaining that they are being ostracized by the community? Louise Troh, Duncan's fiancée, says her apartment manager wouldn't come fix her fridge and that a cable guy just left equipment on the street rather than installing it once he learned he'd been sent to Ebola-Central. Wow, lady. Sorry no one wanted to get past the armed guard to enter a quarantine zone just to hook up your internet. How selfish of those jerks!

Angry crowds lit fires, overturned cars and threw bottles at New Hampshire state police on Saturday. Police used tear gas to disperse the rioters. What was the problem? It was the annual pumpkin festival near Keene State College. Someone had a party, everyone got white girl wasted and the melee kept growing. Keene is largely peopled by affluent white kids so I hope that pepper spray was organic or fair-trade.

Ann Romney said last week that if Mitt were president, Vladimir Putin wouldn't have marched into Ukraine. I don't think a guy who kills dogs for fun would be very intimidated by a guy who just ties them to the roof of his car.

The Obama Defense Department has named the fight against ISIS "Operation Inherent Resolve." That's right, "Resolve." Because nothing inspires fierce loyalty, dedication and sacrifice like naming your military mission after a carpet cleaner. Apparently, we are "carpet bombing" ISIS.

And a few things you need to know …

Dracula actor Bela Lugosi was born on this date in 1882. He popularized the phrase, "I want to drink your blood*," which is why Donald Trump always uses, "You're fired," since that was already taken.

On this date in 1820, Spain sold a good chunk of Florida to the U.S. for $5 million. The catch was, we had to take all the bad drivers.

Apple Pay debuts today. I wish it came with a free bag of U2's money.

Health officials (who have done such a smashing job with the Ebola thing) say you have to run 4 miles to burn off the calories of one Coca Cola. But as long as you do that and walk a mile for a Camel, you're fine, right? So what's the problem?

Hyping their "Thursday Night Football" game against the Patriots in New England, a New York Jets video misspelled the word "rivalry" as "rivarly." The Jets are so bad, at this point they are lucky to spell "New York, New York" right both times.

1 in 5 adults over the age of 25 have never been married. Amazing to think there are that many people who have never experienced forgetting an anniversary.

Whole Foods says it will rate fruits and vegetables as "very good," "better" and "best" based on how they were grown. Of course, they'll also be labeled as "Affordable," "Too Expensive" and "Are You Kidding Me? That Costs WHAT?!"


*Which I don't believe he ever said. I just needed to make the Donald Trump joke work.**
** And it didn't.
by Lisa Mason posted Oct 17 2014 8:34AM
The new definition of "quarantine" is, "Eh. Just do whatever you want." A Dallas Healthcare worker who likely handled Ebola specimens from Thomas Duncan is currently in isolation … onboard the Carnival Magic! Welcome to the Caribbean! Enjoy the scenery as you bleed from the eyes! Actually it SHOULD be fine; it's been 19 days since contact, the health worker shows no symptoms and a Carnival Cruise is THE safest place to hide from Ebola because all the passengers already have to wear biohazard suits just to board the floating petri dish.
Seriously, what's the deal with these Dallas people? First, we've got the Killa Bridezilla who decides to get on a plane, now Belize will not let the Carnival Magic dock because of the Cruiser of Doom. So the thousands of people who paid a lot of money for a romantic cesspool to take them to Belize can't go because of complete disregard for protocol. Now, my infectious diseases training is a bit limited,* so I could be wrong. I just hope the first infected nurse keeps getting better and that her little dog is OK.

Meanwhile, a team of Canadian scientists has produced an Ebola vaccine** that will be tested on 40 American volunteers. Crazy! We should not trust Canadian vaccines; they did nothing to stop Bieber Fever.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was seen in public this week for the first time in 40 days. Big deal! A Democratic politician willing to be seen with President Obama in public hasn't been spotted in 6 months. Kim was thought to be missing but it turns out that he was just doing a nightly show on CNN.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1492, Columbus discovered San Salvador. It was a huge day for the San Salvador Chamber of Commerce.

A man in war-torn Aleppo, Syria is being praised for using his life savings to feed hundreds of street cats who were left homeless by the conflict. Although, President Obama continues to insist there will be no U.S. Puss N' Boots on the ground.

National security experts are warning about the terror groups Khorasan and Isis, because they work with a doctor who has in the past attempted to "surgically implant explosive devices in terrorists." However, they say threat is a little lower now, because that surgeon is still busy transforming Bruce Jenner into a woman.

And … Swiss watchmakers have created a wrist watch that costs 2.1 million dollars. Or you could just look at your phone for free.

*Nonexistant.

**Probably involving Moosehead beer
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