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Posts from September 2013
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 30 2013 8:09AM
Do do do do, Do do DO do do. The final countdown to shutdown is on! With a partial government shutdown less than 14 hours away, Washington agrees on one thing – the OTHER party is to blame. If you’ve ever settled an argument between a couple of 2nd graders your skills as a negotiator are needed in DC to settle this STAT. In a nutshell, the House passed a bill to keep the Government running but delays Obamacare for a year. The Senate, who has yet to show up for work, says they’ll vote it down. President Obama says he’ll just veto anything he doesn’t like. If you need to raise your heart rate, here’s some mental cardio. The shutdown means non-essential workers like military, food inspection and security will lose their paychecks. Know who won’t? Congress.  
 
Stars fell on Alabama – again. For the second time this month, am unannounced meteor spread a tail of fire across the skies over North and Central Alabama. Eyewitnesses in Bryant-Denny Stadium report seeing the fireball above the upper deck during the game against Ol Miss, though it could have just been Bo Wallace’s Heisman chances going up in flames. Poor guy.
 
Because they have little else to do than point fingers, The U.S. Senate passed a Republican-sponsored bill designed to reduce premature births. Senate leader Harry Reid criticized passing the premature birth bill on Thursday, because it wasn't supposed to come up on the docket until today.
 
The president of Barilla Pasta is apologizing after he said that consumers who disagree with his stance against gay marriage should buy a different brand of pasta. He plans to stay in hot water until he reaches al dente. In response, the newly-founded open church of Our Lady and the Tramp says even two dogs should be able share the same piece of pasta without persecution. Guido Barilla believes that in the Garden of Eden, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Of course, in the West Hollywood Olive Garden it IS Adam and Steve. I don’t remember Jesus ever saying, "Blessed are the pizza-makers." Not only is Guido a homophobe, he also believes a woman’s place is ONLY in the home. For all the guys like Guido who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
 
President Obama wrote an excuse note for a 5-year-old girl who skipped school to visit the White House last week. Obama told the girl, "If the note doesn't work just blame George Bush."
 
The initial inspection for chemical weapons in Syria is supposed to be done by tomorrow, the same day that Obamacare kicks in here in the U.S. Coincidence? Actually, yes. It’s a complete coincidence.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1846, a doctor used ether for the first time. Things went much better when he used it the second time ... on the patient, instead of himself.  The doctor was quoted as saying, “You stay alive, baby. Do it for Van Gogh.”*
 
On this date back in 1939, a college football game was televised for the very first time. It was number one in it's time slot. Of course, it was the only thing in it's time slot.  Most importantly, this date is historic because it was the first time the phrase, "Honey, can't it wait until halftime?" was spoken.  
 
On this date in 1452, the very first book was published: the Bible. None of the authors were present for the publication after-party. 
 
Tony Hale turns 43 today. Finally, someone from Samford University makes the official Celebrity Birthday’s list! Tony won an Emmy and is making the rest of the class of ‘92 look like slackers. Except for Jeff Roberts who’s been featured in Barron’s magazine and won’t return my calls. I can’t even get into B Metro or Birmingham Business Journal. My agent says I can’t even get arrested – might have to test that theory this weekend.
 
Lindsay Lohan's half-sister Ashley Horn has had 5-plastic surgeries   to make her look more like Lindsay. Why go to all that trouble when all she had to do was put on an orange jumpsuit?    
 
You can't trade coke for water. And I do not mean a tasty Coca-Cola. Police are looking for a man who attempted to pay his water bill with cocaine. Good grief, how high was this moron? And how high was his water bill? With the rate hikes, I’m surprised he doesn’t live in Jefferson County. No one should be surprised that this story takes place … in Florida. 
 
It sounds like a bad horror movie**, “FLESH EATING BACTERIA FROM FLORIDA!” But it’s real. 9 people are dead and 26 sickened after coming into contact with or consuming infected sea life.  Florida beachgoers are being cautioned to avoid the water unless they want to star in the sequel to this headline, “Night of the Living Undead Surfers.”*** 
 
And …"Mr. Moose" and "Bunny Rabbit," the original puppets from the old Captain Kangaroo Show, were auctioned off last week. Mr. Green Jeans wasn't able to bid; he was too busy overseeing marijuana-growing operations in Colorado and Washington State.    
 
 
*“I’ll take Vague Movie Reference for $1000, Alex.”
 
**That I’d probably pay $15 to see it in iMax 3D
 
*** Which sounds awesome.

by Lisa Mason posted Sep 27 2013 8:42AM
As if it wasn’t tough enough already for small businesses, the Obamacare insurance exchanges for small businesses won't be ready to accept online applications on Oct. 1. Whoops, guess we’re not quite ready with that health care thing. I couldn’t get to sleep last night thanks to an Obamacare debate on my Facebook page. One does not simply go to sleep when someone is wrong on the internet! My main issue* is that so many people are willing to go ahead with a plan that’s NOT READY. Do you take turkey out of the oven before it’s ready? No, you’ll kill someone. Do you go on a date before you’re ready? No, you make the guy wait 30 minutes. I have a friend who was ready to roll with an independent film, yet he delayed his project because he was only about 90ish% ready to shoot it. Are we at 90% readiness with the healthcare law? Nope, yet we’re going to run with it anyway instead of delaying and coming up with … what’s the word?  A solid “plan.” And yes, I’m saying a local indie film is presently better thought out than the Affordable Care Act. Maybe Obama could run a Kickstarter campaign to fund this thing? By the way, Home Depot just announced that that it will cut health insurance for its part-time workers because of Obamacare. This explains their new slogan, "Get it yourself!**"   
 
The price of a first class postage stamp is going up 3-cents to 49-cents. I told you we should have tied the price of stamps to the President Obama's approval rating.  They're baffled as to why they're facing a $6 billion loss but I know why they're losing money. It's those new stamps with Ben Affleck as Batman.  
 
If you’re from the Rocket City as I am, this will be hilarious only to you. Huntsville, Alabama has made the top 10 on a new list of “Safest Driving Cities in the US.” It’s incredibly safe to drive in Huntsville, just make sure you’re doing at least 95 when you merge 5 lanes in 100 yards to get on the Parkway from 565. You’ll be ticketed if you aren’t. Do not use your turn signal, it could cause the driver behind you to go into a PTSD fit. Think you’re going to honk at someone? Don’t. They’re all heavily armed and slightly intoxicated. 
 
After a bitter five-month trial, the negligence lawsuit filed by Michael Jackson's mother against his concert promoter is in the hands of a jury. Katherine Jackson wants $1.5 billion because her son OD’d. Mamma Jackson says MJ’s concert promoter is to blame for his death. How? Are they a bunch of jerks? Probably. Did MJ have a serious problem? Definitely. Should Mrs. Jackson have forcibly removed her son from a dangerous lifestyle in order to prevent his death? Yep, OR she could just continue to benefit from his dog and pony show goldmine.
 
OJ Simpson is in trouble again! Shocked? This time he’s in hot juice for stealing cookies from a prison cafeteria. Remember he’s still serving a 33 year sentence for armed robbery and kidnapping. Don’t expect punishment for the cookie theft though, it took so long for justice to be served with this guy, I thought the courts were being run by the BCS. OJ has no business stealing cookies. Have you seen his pic lately? He’s not missed a meal and could soon be charged with impersonating George Zimmerman.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1892, a patent was granted for book matches. The first book was a real page burner. Back then, a Kindle was what you did to a fire which you started with book matches.  
 
On this date in 1919, the Democratic National Committee voted to admit women. Actually, Democrats had allowed them in before (but only through the back door).
 
On this date in 1777, General George Washington is defeated by the British in the Battle of Germantown. This explains why Washington wasn't a really big fan of Oktoberfest.     
 
Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. Then there are the ones I know who have put it off indefinitely. 
 
Miley Cyrus has released a Director's Cut of her "Wrecking Ball" video. Because THAT’S what was missing in your life. 
 
Someone has been running around Salem, Oregon, stuffing $100 into random products in stores -- candy bars, boxes of cookies, etc. So far, over $2,000 has been found. All I can say is, I hope they vacation here soon.
 
OK! Magazine is reporting that Jessica Simpson is planning a secret wedding on a private beach to her boyfriend, Eric Johnson. I'm still trying to figure out the secret part.  
 
McDonald’s restaurants in large markets and in Europe are now giving you choice of a salad with your combo meal instead of fries. Why? If you order a Royal with Cheese*** it already comes with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and onions. You’re halfway to a salad right there! What’s the big deal?
 
And … Some communities are trying to "spice up" Halloween with alternative holiday ideas like the "Naked Haunted House." And you thought bobbing for APPLES was awkward. A naked haunted house, REALLY? I'm scared of things that go hump in the night. Obviously, wavers must be signed but still, someone needs to tell Casper the Friendly Ghost that there's such a thing as being TOO friendly.
 
*Because I’m sure you care
 
**Which was already in place from what I can tell.
 
***That’s what they call Quarter Ponders in Amsterdam. They’re on the metric system, they don’t know what a quarter pounder is.****
 
****Oh wow, that’s Burger King, not McDonalds. Never mind.     
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 26 2013 8:27AM
Was Ted Cruz’s talkathon against Obamacare effective? The questions trending on Twitter have less to do with policy, and more concern about how the Texas senator was able to go to the bathroom.  Senator Cruz spoke on the Senate floor for 21-consecutive hours and 18-minutes to attack ObamaCare. Running out of things to say, Cruz began talking about how much he likes White Castle hamburgers. Well, now the White Castle is as close as Cruz will ever get to the White House. We can keep this guy on the senate floor but we can’t get clothes on Miley, what gives? Meanwhile, despite estimates from financial people who figure out such things, President Obama says health care coverage can be had for less than your cell phone bill. OK, is that per week or month? Is data unlimited? Can we play games on it?
 
The FBI has released footage of the Navy Yard gunman. Aaron Alexis is clearly seen entering the building, then stalking the halls with a shotgun. It goes on for some time before he decides on a victim. Maybe someone could monitor those cameras once in a while? Maybe hire the guy that monitors our security cameras here at work. Bring a drink into the studio? BAM! You’re in trouble. Vicki Ward bends over to tie her shoe? BAM! Everybody’s seen it. Is that a breakfast bar on the console? BAM! That’s a write up!
 
A Soyuz capsule carrying three astronauts successfully docked with the International Space Station today. The new crew's six-month mission will include a spacewalk with the Olympic torch. We uh … we made sure the Russian members know to keep that open flame away from oxygen anything, right? Don’t want anyone going all Valentin Bondarenko on us.
 
Child advocacy groups dedicated to preventing car back-up accidents are angry because a requirement that all cars should be equipped with rear-view video cams will not be enforced.  If going backwards is that dangerous, shouldn't they install rear-view cams on the Jefferson County Commission? The child advocacy groups say we have no idea how big the blind spot really is. Are they talking about drivers or DC’s treatment of Benghazi?
 
Is Birmingham in danger of LOSING the Magic City Classic? The 72nd annual matchup between Alabama State and Alabama A&M is set for next month and the city says it’s working on a new contract to keep the game going. What’s the issue? Neither school has asked for a change of venue from Legion Field. Why the doom and gloom? Fox 6 spent 5 minutes on this story last night, and there was no reason mentioned that the Classic wouldn’t disrupt traffic at Arkadelphia again this year. If I’d known just making stuff up was a legit way to do news I would save myself a lot of time and just fabricate things I want to mention. Oh wait …
 
Scientists say they’ve nailed down the date the world will end. Before you stop paying your mortgage, that date is 2.25 billion years in the future. I think it’s sometime in June when the Sun will expand to engulf the Earth. Forget news reporter, I want to be a scientist.* You can make up facts and set them as far off in the future as you like. Not only will no one be able to prove you wrong, you’ll get to be on all those cool Discovery shows.
 
Regions Field is to be flooded and turned into an aquarium. Part of a foundation dedicated to bringing former Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford’s dream of bringing beluga whales to Downtown is sponsoring the project.  2.25 billion years in the future** the reptilian life forms who live in the Regions Field district will launch an uprising against their beluga overlords.
 
And a few things you need to know…    
      
Johnny Appleseed was born on this date in 1774. Johnny, of course, gained his fame by traveling all over the country, scattering his seed... sort of the Bruce Jenner of his time.    
                                             
On this date in 1777, the British occupied Philadelphia. The Eagles later beat the Old England Patriots in a close one, 21-20. 
 
Exactly three months from today, you'll be hitting the after-Christmas sales. 
 
Simon Cowell has announced that he won't watch his baby's birth. During the latest ultrasound, the baby held up a sign that said he'll never watch X-Factor. Fair trade.
 
Oprah Winfrey says that last year she nearly suffered a nervous breakdown and that the experience   taught her that money can't buy happiness. It's the incredible political power that comes with it that gets you through those tough times. 
 
Bill Nye the Science Guy, tore a ligament in his left knee during his dance routine on Monday's "Dancing with the Stars." The word LAWSUIT is being tossed around. Hey, Heather Mills danced on "DWTS" with one leg. Suck it up, cupcake!  Until Bill Nye can dance again, he's going to stay fresh by appearing on "Limping with the Nerds." I don't think he legally CAN sue "DWTS" since he’s already blamed his knee injury on global warming. 
 
And … Photogs caught Charlie Sheen on his way to jury duty in L.A. on Tuesday. Talk about “12 and a Half Angry Men." This is proof that Charlie can't beat drugs OR jury duty.
 
*SCIENCE
 
**Before the Sun expands in June.
 
 
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 25 2013 8:13AM
Has Ted Cruz stopped talking yet? The Texas Tea Party senator has been yapping on teh senate floor since yesterday to protest Obamacare. Obamacare, if you didn’t know, goes into effect next week even though many details remain unclear. Small details like “how’s this work?” And, “how does this affect me?” One point HAS been clarified. Obamacare will be funded by the same people who funded Reagancare.* Cruz was actually born in Canada; Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.
 
Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta  says the Nairobi mall siege is over. Several terrorists are dead, 11 more in custody. Hey, how come their president gets to have the country’s name as his last name? That would be like Barak Americabama. Get this: one of the attackers in the deadly siege pleaded for forgiveness after a four-year-old British boy called him "a very bad man." The Al-Shaabab member reportedly told the boy, "please forgive me, we are not monsters," gave him a chocolate bar and let him go free. Sadly this is the modern equivalent of that old Coke ad with Mean Joe Green.
 
Birmingham’s City Council approves open container districts, that means people can walk around with drinks in areas like Lakeview, 5 Points South, and the new Entertainment District. Oh people already drink outside in those areas; now they just don’t have to hide it in paper bags.
 
President Obama yesterday addressed the U.N. General Assembly, or as Joe Biden calls it, the "un-assembly." Iran’s new president, Hassan Rouhani skipped a chance to meet with Obama because alcohol was being served at the luncheon. This is why Biden won’t be asked again to organize a beer summit. It’s certainly been quiet at the UN now that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is no longer running Iran. What do you think Ahmadinejad is up to these days anyway? Checking out Redbox? Taking his Member’s Only jacket to the cleaners?
 
After devastating floods shut down Colorado and claimed the lives of ten people, organizers handed out free marijuana on Boulder's Pearl Street Mall to help "stressed out recreational users" that may have lost their stashes to flooding.  If we donate money to Colorado flood relief, are we buying weed?
 
Alabama Coastal officials are investigating after a massive package of cocaine washed ashore. Two couples walking along the beach in Gulf Shores stumbled across more than two pounds of cocaine that was wrapped in plastic bags. The one pound was surrendered to officials patrolling the coast, who then turned that half bound over to a different department. Orange Beach Drug Task Force head Sgt Dave Frankendave says the 4 ounces of blow was destroyed before any could go missing.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1926, Henry Ford announced the 5-day work week. So he's the one to blame for not making it four days.
 
In 1513, Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. When you discover anything that big, is it really a big deal? It's not like the next person that came along wouldn't have seen it.
 
Mark Hamill, yep, Luke Skywalker, turns 62 today.  Luke, if your Light Saber won't turn off after four hours, see a doctor.
 
Mick Jagger's 21-year-old granddaughter is pregnant. Next year he'll become a great-grandfather! Time is no longer on Mick's side, although he does have some liver spots in the shape of a clock.
 
Thanks to the Discovery Channel we now know that plants have a way of signaling danger to each other. To be honest, when I weeded the garden last week I could have sworn it was talking about me.
 
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was on an antelope hunt in Wyoming Saturday when his gun jammed. I guess it was fortunate for the antelope, several of them were attorneys.
 
The person who won that $400-million Powerball jackpot last week has asked to remain anonymous. Now I'm CONVINCED it's a relative. 
 
Scientists in California have discovered a rare species of legless lizards. Aren’t those called “snakes?” 
 
Kevin Federline is upset with Britney Spears' plan to have their 8-year-old son  appear with her onstage in Las Vegas  saying, "Our kid is no circus monkey." I've always thought of K-Fed and Britney as the circus monkeys. Here’s a Polish proverb to get you through the rest of the day “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
 
A retired homicide detective says he’s solved the case of Jack the Ripper. I see a bright future for him uncovering the Benghazi culprits ... in 11 more years. Trevor Marriott says that after 11 years of investigation, he believes German merchant sailor Carl Feigenbaum committed the murders. Everyone from Vincent Van Gough to minor royals have been thought to be Jack.  Before you get excited, they “discover the identity of Jack the Ripper” every year about this time. It’s Ripper season. The only way this mystery will ever be solved is if someone gets Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine, and catches the perp red-handed. Most of Mr. Marriott’s research seems to center around the fact that Jack the Ripper and Carl Feigenbaum were never seen in the same room together. People have been put on death row in Texas for less evidence than this. Granted it IS Texas so …
 
And … Bama fans in Tuscaloosa are the real winners of the Tide’s victory over Texas A&M. Tomorrow you can get free waffles and coffee thanks to a wager between two companies that supply Waffle House. Their batter is made in Texas, their coffee is made here. The wager was that the losing team has to foot the bill for waffles and coffee tomorrow in the winning team’s town. Now if only Johnny Manziel was waiting tables … guess he can’t afford the pay cut.   Wait. There’s BETTING on college sports? I’m SHOCKED!
 
*You.
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 24 2013 7:51AM
Witnesses say the terrorists inside Nairobi’s Westgate Mall were asking people to name the mother of the Prophet Muhammad, if they could not then they were shot. Man! This is the harshest version of Cash Cab ever!* President Obama says the US will stand with Kenya in the aftermath of the mall attack. I hope all of his relatives made it out OK. The death toll stands at 62. Over 175 were wounded, including 5 Americans. Americans were also among the attackers. Figures, take Americans to an exotic location with exciting things to do and we’ll hang out in a food court. On a lighter note, the hottest-selling Christmas toy at the Nairobi mall is Bullet-Proof Elmo. 
 
Speaking at the UN today, President Obama says he's not worried if Congress votes down U.S. action in Syria. He'll just pay for the airstrikes by getting on Craigslist and selling all the stuff the IRS confiscated from conservative groups
 
Vice President Joe Biden visited Colorado to view flood damage. Because Colorado hasn’t suffered enough. Floods then snow then Biden … maybe those Doomsday plague theorists were right!
 
6 more days till Obamacare!** Even opponents of the Affordable Care Act admit it IS going to help the overall health of Americans. Thanks to backlogs, software issues and no definite plan in place, many Americans don’t DARE get sick.
 
There's another possibility that the federal government could shut down. I hope they'll let us know, so we can tell the difference. The Left is accusing Republicans of “brinksmanship” after they agreed to raise the debt ceiling to avoid a government shutdown but demand that Obamacare be defunded in return. Republicans responded to the taunts with, “Oh yeah? Well so’s your mom.”
 
What’s for dinner in Alabama? Corn. Lots of it. Farmers are harvesting what they say will be a record corn crop. Corn: it’s the new black. 
 
A hot mic caught president Obama admitting he hasn’t had a cigarette in years only because he’s scared of his wife. Maybe we should let MICHELLE talk to the UN today then? No wonder he can’t multitask, he’s been having withdrawals.     
 
Live in Jefferson County? Your sewer rates are going up this November. A lot of customers feel they’re having to pay for bad deals that they had no say in and didn’t get to vote upon. Yep. Pretty much. That’s a problem that can be solved by a concept called “voting.”  
 
Mobile police say an 11-year-old girl was wounded by a stray bullet while she was watching television inside her house. Hasn’t the family seen the PSA’s? “Get out and pay, an hour a day! That’ll keep the gunfire away!”
 
It took German hackers only 1-weekend to unlock iPhone's new fingerprint recognition program. They used a photo of an iPhone user’s finger, a mold, wood glue and a home printer. The hackers are charged with invasion of privacy and impersonating MacGyver. I like the fingerprint recognition feature.  Some days it’s the only recognition I get. 
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this day in 1968, the TV "60 Minutes" debuted. They've taken that one-hour show and made it last 45 years! This is not to be confused with sitting and talking with Joe Biden for an hour, which will seem to last 45 years.
 
In 1852, a new invention -- the dirigible -- was introduced. Up until then, large objects filled with gas only ran for public office.  If it weren't for the dirigible, Led Zeppelin would have been called something else.
 
"The Voice" is now China's number one TV show. It’s not because of the singing, it’s because the judges are allowed to give opinions without being arrested and beaten.
 
West Hollywood has voted to ban the sale of fur. It's causing quite a furor.  So they banned fur but you can still buy leather? That’ll teach those cows not to be fluffy enough!
 
Hockey players received 201-minutes of penalty time after several fights during a meaningless NHL preseason game. Wait -- my mistake. That was just an episode of "The Five."
 
This is banned books week, a week designed to stress the importance of everyone's freedom to read ANY book. Librarians statewide say it is important to recognize these literary works and encourage everyone to read them this week. I say if you don’t have time to read them THIS week, maybe read them this weekend between football games.  I did this story on the air during this morning’s show and received the following Facebook Message (here’s a cut and paste), “ Did u really just tell ppl to read baned books? U R irresponcable. Those books were baned for a reason so it sets a bad example when U tell our kids to read things they shouldn’t ought to.”
As a response I corrected the spelling, grammar and sent the message back to the sender. Stay in school. Read a book.
 
 *Probably should have made that “Final Jeopardy”
 
**Siiiiiiilveeeeer Shamrock!
Filed Under :
People : Joe BidenLisa MasonObama
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 23 2013 7:36AM
In honour of my Da’s birthday today I wanted to make sure every joke here was brilliantly written and hilarious. Luckily, Da isn’t used to me delivering.
 
President Obama renewed his calls for stricter gun control yesterday; he was speaking at a memorial of the 12 victims of the Navy Yard shooting. Joe Biden is hoping everyone has forgotten he touted a simple shotgun as the go-to method for defense. 
 
Al Shabaab says their gunmen are behind the attack on Westgate Mall that killed at least 68 people. How did The Somali branch of Al Qaeda get to Bessemer and wreak such havoc? Westgate Mall was a proposed site for a new Bessemer Courthouse so I would have thought security would have been tighter. Oh. This one is in Nairobi, Kenya. I should have known there was another Westgate Mall when the headlines described it as an “upscale tourist mall.”
 
E coli has been found in the tap water in Lyons, CO. Well of course there’s E Coli in the Water, Lyons has been hard hit by flooding – EVERYTHING is in the water. E coli, DVD players, stoves, cars, attics…
 
The US Postal Service says it needs an emergency rate hike, that it's running out of money. Yet some people sincerely want the government to handle health care?
 
The L.A. Dodgers are being slammed for trashy behavior after they celebrated their National League West division championship by jumping in the swimming pool at the Arizona Diamondbacks stadium. Problem isn’t unsportsmanlike conduct, it’s that several players peed in the deep end and now the pool has tested positive for steroids.
 
The Coca-Cola bottling company is apologizing for thousands of bottle caps on their VitaminWater products which bore the words "You Retard." I guess we now know what they really think of people who shell out $1.50+ for a bottle of tap-water.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 2002, Governor Gray Davis signs a law making California the first state to offer workers paid family leave. Voters were so thankful that several years later, they recalled him.
 
The Greek poet Euripides was born on this date, back in the year 484 BC. Not many people knew his full name: Euripides U. Payforum. 
 
On this date in 1932, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was formed. The guy who did it was a real prince, although some considered him a wolf in Sheik's clothing.
 
The face value of tickets to this year's Super Bowl will be as high as $2,600. Even the scalpers are saying, "Oh, that's WAY too much!"
 
The TLC smash-hit trainwreck “John and Kate Plus 8” just keeps on giving. Jon Gosselin admits he doesn't pay child support, has absolutely no contact with his ex-wife and these days, waits tables and lives in a cabin in the woods. Great, the next Unibomber in training is a reality show star.
 
Another Emmy Awards has come and gone. I think they're almost over. Fantastic moment last night when Tony Hale won best supporting actor for his work on VEEP! Tony graduated from Samford University, proving that at least one person from the Class of 1992 is a success!
 
 "Keeping up with the Kardashians" is supposedly a reality show, but they filmed their Christmas episode last week. That's not reality! I mean, think of what can happen in 3-months. It's like 2-Kardashian marriages.
 
And … Nick Cage only thought he wasn’t Expendable. Kelsey Grammer will take over the role in The Expendables 3 from which Nick was fired. I just don't see Kelsey as an action-hero. The guy can't even kill Bart Simpson. Let see, thre’s Kelsey Grammer and Sylvester Stallone, "The Expendables 3" also has Mel Gibson, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Lock up Jon Voight and that's every Republican in Hollywood.
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 20 2013 8:01AM
As expected, Syria missed the deadline to turn over their chemical weapons so the retaliation will be instant! The UN is sending them another strongly worded letter today.
 
A family from Alabama says they had a disturbing run-in last month with Navy Yard shooter Aaron Alexis. The family was at Norfolk International Airport, when the shooter decided they were laughing at him and started a confrontation.  You can get thrown out by airport security for arguing to keep your nail clippers but you don’t get kicked out for threatening a family? Good to know!
 
The Irish Prime Minister says Ireland has officially exited its recession. You know what a recession is, yes? Its two consecutive quarters of declining productivity. Or, as the Fighting Irish call that, “halftime when playing Alabama.”  
 
CNN says a civil war is brewing within the GOP over the looming government shut down. Wait, Civil war? That means John Kerry’s about to give the GOP gets $1 billion in free money AND automatic weapons! The deal is that some Republicans are threatening to shut down the government* if President Obama doesn't sign a bill defunding ObamaCare. I don't want to ruin "Under the Dome" for you, but nobody’s stockpiling propane or making meth ** in the Capitol.
 
Its’ the penultimate first-world problem: the new iPhones hit stores but all the cool colours are on backorder.  Apple stores in England had to tell the people lined up outside that they’d already sold out of the gold and silver versions and that black was the only colour available.  People in the UK, France and Germany were outraged at the backorder time. I think this is how WWI actually started
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
Alexander the Great was born on this date in the year 356 BC. He was considered one of the greatest leaders of all-time until Oliver Stone got ahold of his story. 
 
In 1951, while it’s luggage somehow arrived at the South Pole, a jet crossed over the North Pole for the first time. Most of the elves thought it was just Donnor or Blitzen flying home from Taco Bell.
 
The French Senate has voted to ban child beauty pageants. Apparently, the senators didn’t want to be responsible for another show like "Honey Parlez Vous Vous."
 
Pope Francis says the Catholic Church should focus less on divisive social issues and instead work on making the church welcoming to all. Donald Trump is demanding to see the Pope's birth certificate.
 
The financial problems at NPR that forced them to shrink their workforce by 10%, will also downsize some of their programming. "All Things Considered" is now, "SOME Things Considered." And "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me," becomes, "Go Ahead, Hurry Up and Tell Me!"
 
If you missed it, yesterday was "National Talk Like a Pirate Day." I was so ready but no one appreciated me saying “Hey, wanna buy my illegal copy of the third season of Game of Thrones?”
 
And … The cast of "The Big Bang Theory" is angling for raises. CBS says they may have to change the name of the show to "The Big Bucks for Your Bang Theory."
 
*It never really shuts down, drat the luck.  
 
** That we know of.
Filed Under :
Topics : Politics
Location : AlabamaBritish Columbia
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 19 2013 8:12AM
Today is International “Talk Like a Pirate” Day! Let me be the first to say “Huufarkarafkayga waxaa ka buuxa eels!” What? They didn’t specify what manner of pirate we are supposed to talk like so I’m going with Somali.
 
US installations worldwide are reviewing security protocols that allow access to contractors like Aaron Alexis, who was killed after Monday’s shooting spree at the Naval Yard.  Mental illness, alcoholism, video game addiction and erratic behavior yet no one saw any red flags? Really? This guy had enough red flags to open his own red flag shop. You could use his arrest record alone to warn of rough surf in Gulf Shores.
 
There was only one winner in last night’s Powerball drawing and it’s worth 400 million dollars. The winning ticket was purchased in Lexington, South Carolina – Hey! That’s where my uncle Marlowe Chandler Mason lives! He always buys Powerball tickets. Congrats dear sweet favorite Uncle Marlowe whom I've always loved best.
 
Russia, where horrible new laws banning homosexuality are in effect, has asked Cher to perform at next year's Winter Olympics. Because nothing keeps “the gays” away like a Cher concert.
 
Caroline Biden, the 26-year-old niece of Vice President Joe Biden, has been arrested for taking a swing at a cop during a domestic dispute in which she refused to pay her rent. Vice President Biden replied, "Caroline, I told you Democrat’s don't have to pay TAXES! Rent’s another story.”
 
The CEO of Starbucks says guns are no longer welcome in his stores, even in areas with "open carry" laws. This from a guy who doesn't consider it robbery to charge $7 for a cup of coffee?  Great, people with guns who've just been refused their morning jolt of caffeine. I don't think combining the shakes with high-powered weaponry will work out well. Besides, who needs a gun when you're already armed with a 180-degree cup of coffee?*  
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1957 the U.S. conducted it's first underground nuclear test. It was a bomb.  
 
This date back in 1849, the very first commercial laundry began in Oakland, California. It was also where the first laundry-dancing TV show was filmed, "Dancing with the Starch." (Wow. Pack a lunch. That was a long way to go).
 
On this date in 1883, New Zealand became the first country to give women the right to vote. This led to the slogan, "Yes, Kiwi Can!" 
 
Holy AARP, Batman! Adam West turns 85 today. These days, he's wearing control-top leotards and is a way better batman than Ben Affleck.
 
A woman is charged in an online hoax in which she stole the identity of former Denver Nuggets player Chris Andersen. The woman, who lives in Canada, has also been charged with impersonating Manti Te'o’s invisible girlfriend.
 
The publisher of Penthouse Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Ironically, shareholders will be left with what the women wear in the magazine.**
 
A new study finds toddlers who begin talking early are more likely to develop a drinking problem later on in life. One of the big warning signs is when they ask for a bottle, "shaken, not stirred."
 
3.2-million Americans watched the season finale of "Here comes Honey Boo Boo" last week. The scary part – odds are you know at least one of them. 
 
Dairy farmers  warn that there could be a jump in the price of milk by the end of the year, forcing the price up to as much as $6 a gallon! In ironic news, a man has invented a car that runs on milk. The only upside to $6 milk by year’s end is the school bullies who steal other kid's milk money could retire by late spring.
 
Sweden's FDA has confirmed to horrified citizens that ooze from the rear-ends of beavers is used to add a vanilla flavor to cakes, ice creams and drinks, and has been for years. And you don't even want to know about Swedish meatballs!
 
Word on the street is that supermodel Kate Moss has agreed to pose for a spread in the 60th anniversary issue of Playboy. At least, that's the skinny. Hugh Hefner said he's delighted Moss consented to full-frontal nudity, because when she turns sideways, you can't see her.
 
And finally … Miley Cyrus and Hunger Games costumes are already trending for this year’s Halloween festivities. I’m mostly done with mine (mostly) but would really like to have the scariest costume ever. But how am I supposed to dress up as the economy?
 
*Unless it’s a gun that shoots coffee. Like an ESPRESSO rifle! Hahahaha! Get it? Instead of EXPRESS rifle? Hello? Where’d everyone go?
 
**Nothing

by Lisa Mason posted Sep 18 2013 7:57AM

Happy birthday to the US Air Force, you don’t look a day over 66. I love pilots – especially the ones who stay in the middle of the air. Some of my friends say the main thing they learned in the Air Force is that it only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.
 
AAA is predicting that gasoline will stay above $3 a gallon for at least the next 1,000 days. Way to go out on those skinny branches, guys.
 
University of Alabama President Dr. Judy Bonner says the school will not tolerate discrimination of any kind. Allegations of racism arose after at least two black girls were not offered bids from sororities. It is 2013 people! EVERYONE should have the opportunity to be excluded from a group for silly reasons!
 
George Washington Carver Memorial Gardens Cemetery has some explaining to do. Visitors report the management and staff are missing and that the phone is disconnected. Residents don’t report knowing the difference.
 
Brazil’s president snubs President Obama. There was to be a state dinner in DC but when NSA leaks revealed that the US had been spying on Brazil, their leader refused to attend. Even after it was explained we were only spying on their beach volleyball teams.
  
The Jefferson County Commission manages to pass a budget. A portion will fund technology upgrades as some departments haven’t received a tech upgrade in the last ten years. No wonder the DMV is so slow; the employees still have to waste time by playing ColecoVision, instead of playing with their phones like every other department.
 
A retired farmer in Ethiopia claims he's 160 years old. That’s encouraging for Americans who can't afford to retire until they're 160. Well, the seasons DO move faster in Farmville, so it’s likely this guy just got confused.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1759, the French surrendered Quebec to the British. And a fine French tradition was continued.
 
This very day back in 1769, the very first piano was built in the United States. It was made of New Hampshire wood, Pennsylvania wire and Florida Keys. Up until that time, all you could do is tuna fish.
 
On this date in 1793, George Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol building with help from one of his neighbor kids, little Johnny McCain.
 
A mystery joker is terrorizing residents of Northampton, UK by wandering the streets dressed as a clown and leering at passers-by. Now there’s a fetish you don’t usually get to act on. The man’s clown costume appears to be an uncanny recreation of Tim Curry’s character Pennywise from 1990 Stephen King horror ‘It’. Oddly enough, lurking while dressed as a creepy clown isn’t illegal … hitting him in the head with an ax, however, is.*
 
NPR has announced they're cutting their workforce by 10%. In a related story on "All Things Considered," they’re considering voting Republican.
 
People are buzzing about the announced “Walking Dead” spinoff. What’s the plot? I’m going with a gay friendly theme, “My Two Undeads.” Or maybe a cop drama, “Walkers, Texas Rangers?” 
 
The new drama "Sleepy Hollow" is a big ratings winner. It debuted as the top show among the coveted 18-49 demo that's interested in the 1749 demo.
 
Just in time for National Dog Week next week, the American Kennel Club has announced that the most popular pooch in the U.S. is the Labrador Retriever for the 22nd consecutive year! Several Border Collies were arrested for reprogramming the online survey parameters. "Bully" breeds have pawed their way up in the poll with the Staffordshire Terrier moving up in rank from 91 to 76. We think my dog, Hera Mason, is a Staffie. We KNOW she’s part Velociraptor and also part bear-trap … but that shouldn’t put anyone off adopting one. 
 
Bill Gates is once again the world's richest man, bumping telecom mogul Carlos Slim down after 6-years on top. Slim said he blames all his financial losses on his Microsoft equipment constantly freezing up.
 
The Wizard of Oz is celebrating its 70th anniversary. Today if Dorothy bumped into men with no brains, no courage and no hearts, she'd be in DC!  You know Michelle Obama thinks the Witch wouldn’t be so wicked if she’d just drink more water. 
 
And finally... some say the Colorado floods, the fires in California and the fact that the US is getting shown up by Russia are signs of the coming Armageddon. If you don’t believe doomsday is coming then believe this: everyone seems to want Snookie to win Dancing with the Stars. Seriously, numerous people believe the flooding in Colorado is "punishment from God" for the state legalizing marijuana.  Then why isn't God also flooding Washington State? Is He a Seahawks fan? 
 
*Darnit.    
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 17 2013 8:07AM
 
I’ve added a handy chart to this morning’s news to preempt everything the MSM is about to start saying about Buddhism. 34 year old ex-shooter Aaron Alexis is said to have been a practicing Buddhist. I ... think he’s doing it wrong. BTW, do you know many Zen Buddhists it takes to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change and not change it. The 12 killed in yesterday’s shooting at the Washington Naval Yard haven’t all been identified yet but the debate over gun control is already heating up. If guns cause crimes, then I’m blaming this Dell keyboard for all the typos.
 
Only in Colorado can you go snow skiing and water skiing on the same day. I’ve always felt bad for the people of that state, prone to so many disasters plus they spend their entire childhood having to plan Halloween costumes around a coat.  The footage of the floods is staggering – seems like every car fleeing the area has a mountain bike on top that cost more than the car.  
 
I don't want to say things are going badly for President Obama, but the winner of the Miss America pageant received a congratulatory phone call from Vladimir Putin.
 
There’s a crisis in New York! Since Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner both lost their races, the city currently has no politician embarrassing himself.
 
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, "not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him." He also said his doctor just told him he's allergic to gluten and being bombed.
 
New reports say that there are 1,000 feral rhesus monkeys living in Florida and many of them have herpes. Whatever you do, don't walk around down there dressed like a sexy banana.    
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1796, President Washington gave his farewell speech, saying he was retiring for good.  Washington had it tough; he didn’t have much of a previous president to blame everything on.
 
Today back in 1964, "Bewitched" made its debut. It taught us that if you replace Darrens and act natural, no one will notice. 
 
It was this date in 1920, the American Professional Football Association -- which became the NFL -- was formed in Canton, Ohio. Up until that time, people got things done on Sunday.  
 
I missed this one yesterday thanks to the sick freak who shot up the Naval Yard in Washington. The fans at Seattle's CenturyLink Field set the Guinness Book record for the loudest crowd ever at 136.6 decibels, which is comparable to a jet engine at 100-feet. No wonder people are sleepless in Seattle. It's too loud to doze off. You know who I feel sorry for? The NSA operatives who were listening to that Seahawk game with their super-sensitive microphones
 
It hasn’t commanded decent press in years but now we know NASA's Voyager 1 spacecraft is now officially 12-billion miles from Earth. Of course, Voyager doesn't recognize The Seattle Seahawk's Guinness Book record for world's loudest crowd, because in space, no one can hear you scream.
 
And finally --  Miley Cyrus has quit following Liam Hemsworth on Twitter. That can only mean one thing: breakup! More information about their relationship is available through the freedom of information act at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
 
Bonus random story of interest: You’d think Hawaii would be used to this but a woman there is in trouble with the DMV because her name won’t fit on a driver's license. Janice "Lokelani" Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele married into that beast of a last name and is being told she can’t have it on official documents because there’s not enough room. Mrs. Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele lost her husband in 2008 and takes great pride in the name. In Hawaiian, her name means "When there is chaos and confusion, you are one that will stand up and get people to focus in one direction and come out of the chaos." Seems perfectly suited someone fighting with the DMV.
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