Posts from October 2013
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 31 2013 8:54AM
Happy All Hallows Eve! A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. Until we run out, then it’s Sucrets or mints stolen from O’Charley’s.
Meet the Grinch who stole Halloween! A North Dakota woman named “Cheryl” told a radio show that she tonight plans on giving treats to skinny kids, but any tubby ones will get a letter in their bag. The letter scolds parents for allowing a heavy child to trick-or-treat. Wow, Michelle Obama moved to North Dakota? There’s a way to go about things, and this isn’t it. Shame a kid in public? Open the door for eating disorders because of the humiliation? The only good thing about this story is, the woman lives in North Dakota ... where birds fly upside down because there’s nothing worth pooping on.
Did you see that questioning yesterday? First the Wicked Witch of the West Wing was under oath, then under fire, then under pressure and then she was under a bus. I suppose it's understandable that President Obama would throw Sebelius under the bus. He couldn't throw the 10,535-page health care law under there. You name me one bus with that much clearance underneath. Of course, the Tea Party says they have a vehicle big enough to throw the health care law under… and they're going to do it at the Monster Truck Rally. Truckasaurus VS. ObamaGeddon! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! TO be fair, the president says he's finally read all 10,535-pages. Not the Affordable Health Care Act, a dossier of letters from insurance companies informing Americans they can't keep their doctors or health care coverage. Mr. Obama says it’s actually a good thing that you’ve been dropped by an insurance plan you once liked … because that plan was never good for you anyway. Yes, the president is handling our legitimate healthcare complaints like your mom did when that guy dumped you after prom.
Our foreign allies are really ticked that we've been spying on them all these years. Of course, we know that because we spied on them.
Congrats to the Red Sox on that baseball win thing. Call me suspicious, but I think the White House scheduled a speech in Boston just so staffers could get a free ride on Air Force One to the World Series. President Obama was in Boston to deliver a speech on health care and would have been invited to throw out the first pitch, but lately, everything he throws ends up under the bus. You have to give him credit. It's hard to find time to throw your supporters under the bus when you’re always so busy throwing mud and taxpayer money.
John McCain says even though he'll be 80 in 2016, he's seriously considering running for reelection. McCain swears he's vital, healthy, connected and Internet savvy. I hear McCain was born in a Blog Cabin.
And because I haven’t yapped about Healthcare.gov enough this morning. The Obama administration fell on their sword Tuesday apologizing and admitting that big mistakes were made. I'm not sure if they were talking about ObamaCare or by the American people in the 2008-2012 Presidential Elections.
And a few things you need to know …
Happy Birthday to Nick Saban! Coincidence his birthday falls on Hallows Eve? Yes. It completely is.
On this date in 1956, an American landed a plane at the South Pole for the very first time, in one of the worst time-share swaps in recorded history.
It was on this date, back in 1517, that Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses to the door of the church. This was beginning of what eventually would become the Lutheran religion and the invention of casseroles.
The house John Lennon grew up in was sold at auction this week. Strawberry Fields aren’t forever.
In Italy, art restorers removed 17-coats of paint from a castle wall to reveal a Leonardo Da Vinci mural that has been hidden for at least 500 years. Hidden for at least 500 years? Can we work out that deal with the Kardashians?
There's speculation now that Joe Biden may serve as Hillary Clinton's Vice President if she wins the 2016 Presidential Elections. Joe would basically do what he does now. Make coffee and re-charge people's cell phones.
A bacon and beer loving burglar is loose in North Dakota! A 30-year-old Bismarck woman reports that someone broke into her home, and then cooked her bacon in the microwave! Her beer was also missing. Police wouldn't say whether the suspect, if caught, could face additional charges for the crime of cooking bacon in a microwave.
After being arrested for punching a man last weekend, Chris Brown has entered a rehab clinic. Why rehab? If Chris wants to learn how to stop beating people, he should just talk to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Some black shoppers are claiming they were racially profiled at a Macy's store in New York City. You can learn all about it in the upcoming movie, "MiraKKKle on 34th Street."
Keith Urban told Ellen DeGeneres this week he enjoys sending naughty texts his wife, Nicole Kidman. I'm pretty sure the NSA enjoys it too.
And finally … I got a Facebook message from a parent telling me to stop talking about trick or treating on the air because of the threat of poison apples and candy. Every year it's the same with rumors of evil people. According to Snopes and LiveScience.com, there are only two known cases of Halloween candy poisoning in America, and both involved relatives! In 1970, a boy died of a heroin overdose and investigators did find it on his candy. The boy had accidentally consumed some of his uncle's heroin stash, and the family had sprinkled some on the candy to try and cover it up. The only other case on record happened in 1974 when a boy was poisoned by his own father for insurance money. It’s always good to be cautious though, so don’t eat anything your relatives give you! Also, let an adult inspect everything – we promise we might not eat it after you go to bed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have another pumpkin to carve (that’ll be 10 this year) and then I’m going to eat this apple my Great-Aunt Bedelia sent me. I’m sure it’s just fine!
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 30 2013 7:25AM
It's Halloween Eve. Do you open your bags of candy on Halloween Eve or Halloween morning?
The House Ways and Means committee today fires up the grill to welcome Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sibelius. Given what historically happens to witches near open flame this time of year, Kathleen should wear asbestos support-hose. Some men are having a hard time believing Sibelius’ claims she says she never told President Obama that Healthcare.gov was FUBAR. At issue with the men is that they don’t remember the last time a woman was able to keep a secret.
The management consultant brought in by the White House to fix President Obama's hobbled health-insurance exchange website, has promised that HealthCare.gov will be working for most Americans by the end of November … which is an appropriate time for a big, over-stuffed turkey to come out of the oven.
Think this Obamacare mess doesn’t affect you? Au contraire! I ordered a Doctor Frankenstein costume online, it has goggles, a cool lab coat and leather gloves… instead they sent me a BRIDE of Frankenstein costume. WTH? Obama said I could keep my doctor!
If you were expecting a huge shipment of weed, it’s not coming. A routine traffic stop yesterday on 20/59 led to the seizure of 490 pounds of marijuana. The semi-truck, which was en route to Maine, was hauling squash along with the duffel bags of weed. They’ll pull this guy over but not the semi who hit 459 from 280 doing 80 miles an hour in the rain?
You can have jobs and economic growth, but you have to smell peppers all day. It wasn’t worth it for one small Cally town who is now suing the maker of the famous Sriracha chili sauce. Huy Fong Foods is being asked to shut down their plant because the pepper fumes harm the locals. In fact, population in Irwindale is declining. Oh no! They’re making it out of people! SRIRACHA CHILI SAUCE IS PEOPLE!
And a few things you need to know …
This was the day back in 1938, Orson Welles did his famous broadcast of "War of the Worlds," which caused a nation-wide panic. It was just a radio play, but people who tuned in late thought we really been invaded by Martians. Yes, there was a time where our country was one big Honey-Boo-Boo family.
On this date in 1945, the U.S. government ended national shoe rationing. Husbands everywhere suppressed the news as long as they could. This is just one more reason I never would have survived World War II.
The tallest man in the world, Turkey's Sultan Kosen, got married over the weekend. He stands 8-foot 3-inches tall. He also has the Guinness Book of World Records for number of times being asked, "Do you play basketball?"
A new study shows that 9 in 10 workers who are age 50 or older say they are satisfied with their job. They also say “stay off my lawn!”
“Bad Granpa” is expected to be the number one movie again this weekend. Why shell out $8.00 to see "Bad Grampa" when he's already coming over for free on Thanksgiving?
And … The Jonas Brothers say they're calling it quits. The announcement was made by the ugly one. Let me get this straight -- did the Jonas brothers quit being brothers, or just broke up the group? One Direction: it’s your move.
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 29 2013 8:10AM
Thanks to those who expressed deep concern over Hera Mason’s lack of a Halloween costume this year. I bought her this little pumpkin hat since it’s too late to order a costume online (without paying $30 in shipping). The hat was reportedly delicious and thanks to the glitter, my yard is now sparkly.
There is no good idea that cannot be made utterly illogical than by putting it through a committee. The House meetings on Obamacare continue today with the Medicare chief on the grill. The Senate Intelligence Committee will soon begin hearings on the NSA leaks that have US allies completely ticked off. Germany is especially angry at the spying, wiretaps and eavesdropping. Hey, they started 2 World Wars, so let’s just call it an ounce of prevention, ja?
The White House has admitted it knew three years ago that millions of Americans would lose their health coverage due to Obamacare, even though President Obama promised that you could keep your plan and your doctor. Americans are as outraged at this lie as they are about Benghazi. Which is to say: we’ll roll over and take it because, meh.
What did we buy? Some Birmingham City Councilors want documentation of money spent for last weekend’s Council-sponsored concert and reception in Railroad Park. Councilwoman Lashunda Scales organized both events. Maybe giving an open wallet to someone with 6 felony ethics indictments should raise more red flags than a stiff breeze in Gulf Shores?
Russian President Vladimir Putin says that at the Sochi Olympics next year,, gays, lesbians and transgendered people will all be welcome to come. They can't leave, but they can come.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney tells CNN he's cheated death at least 3-times. For my liberal friends ... Cheney cheated everybody in Florida during the 2000 Presidential Election, why not death too? How exactly did Cheney cheat death so often? Apparently, the NSA was tapping the Grim Reaper's phone calls. You know what this means? There were at least three moments when George W. Bush was THIS close to actually becoming president!
Taylor Farms is recalling bags of their broccoli salad and slaw due to a listeria threat. Need a day off work with a crippling illness? Grab a bag. No illnesses have been reported in Alabama, mainly because the recall involves broccoli, not Twinkies.
Block seating is again safe for student organizations at the University of Alabama. The University says it’s pleased with attendance through the entirety of the Tennessee game and that therefore the guard towers will not be manned during this Saturday’s game. The concertina wire and sentry guns will, however, remain indefinitely.
And a few things you need to know …
This day in 1911, American newspaperman Joseph Pulitzer died in Charleston, SC. Big deal. What does he want? An award named after him?
On this date in 1833, the very first college fraternity was formed. I believe it was a chapter of Tappa Kegga Brew. Or was it Grabba Hunka Thigh? Frankly, it was all Greek to me.
Did you see this mess? Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant went ballistic on the sidelines during the Cowboys loss to the Lions on Sunday. I'm guessing Bryant's chill-pills must come in bottles with jerk-proof lids.
Former "Dancing with the Stars" dancer Julianne Hough is still apologizing for dressing up in blackface at a Halloween party. In her defense, she wore blackface and an orange jumpsuit. She was obviously going as Chris Brown.
6 champion Belgian racing pigeons have tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Did you know that pigeons have a brain the size of a lima bean? In fact, that's why they're called pigeons. The word "CONGRESS" was already taken.
He may be disabled, but Georgia's Walter Serpit wasn't about to let a fire destroy his prize possession! Mr. Serpit, who walks with a cane, made sure all eight members of his family were safely out of his burning home before risking his life to retrieve a case of Bud Light. Some say Mr. Serpit has his priorities wrong. Yeah, he should have gone for the Bud Light first.
And … The Butterball Hotline starts next week. But if you want to talk about a big turkey today, just call the ObamaCare Toll Free number.
Filed Under :
Bud Light, Chris Brown, Dez Bryant, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Joseph Pulitzer, Julianne Hough, Lashunda Scales, Obama, Taylor Farms, Vladimir Putin, Walter Serpit
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 28 2013 7:44AM
Everybody had a fabulous time at the annual White House Halloween Party. They played “Spin the Biden," and "Pin the Blame on Kathleen Sebelius." Sounds lame. I like traditional Halloween parties. Bobbing for outdated Apple iPhones just doesn't do it for me. Here’s a shocker -- Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have replaced Candy Corn as America's favorite Halloween treat. Trying to sign up for ObamaCare remains America's worst Halloween trick.
US allies are asking the UN to tell us to stop eavesdropping on them. Great, now we’re gonna get a stern letter in the mail. Seriously, we now know the NSA spied on 124 billion phone calls during a one month period. And that was just in movie theaters!
At least five are dead and 38 injured after a Jeep crashed and caught fire in Tiananmen Square, right in front of the Mao Zedong portrait that hangs over one of China’s most sensitive areas. Chinese officials say this is the worst tragedy in Tiananmen Square since hundreds were killed by a stampede of capitalist unicorns* in 1989.
The Alabama Obesity Task Force has launched a yearlong campaign to try to get people to make healthy choices when deciding what to drink. There’s a task force for this? Where’s a stack of furloughs when you need them. The "ReThink Your Drink" campaign is aimed at reducing consumption of sugar-sweetened beverages like tea. Try to take sweet tea away from an Alabamian and you’ll pull back five of the shortest fingers that ever tried to deal a hand of poker.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1726, "Gulliver's Travels" was first published for the first time. Author Jonathon Swift thanked all the little people who made the book possible.
Captain James Cook was born on this date in 1728. He was the early explorer best known for having cheap champagne named after him.
This was the date back in 1929, a baby was born on board an airplane for the very first time. And you thought having a little kid kick the back of your seat was annoying.
Kim Kardashian says she is the "luckiest girl in the world." True, I suppose, if you don't include the guy in the cell next to Chris Brown.
"Lord of the Rings" star Orlando Bloom and his wife of 6-years have separated. A hastily cobbled-together group of companions is offering to join Orlando in a quest to get his ring back.
Here in the U.S., we’re getting ready for Halloween, but in Mexico they’re prepping for the Day of the Dead, where SOME people believe the dead walk the earth again. Or, as our politicians call that, "prospective voters."
And … Céline Dion is the latest victim of the internet death hoax – but she’s still alive. In fact she was just given a box of boomerangs by the Australian Prime Minister who was recently visiting Vegas. Celine threw them away but they’re “All Coming Back to [her] Now.”**
*AKA “Communist tanks.”
**Pack a lunch. That’s about as far as you can go for a Celine Dion joke.
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 25 2013 8:06AM
All of the childish arguing and incompetence over the Healthcare.gov is ironically making millions of Americans sick. As for me, I’m still waiting to hear from my liberal friends who likened Republicans to Hitler when they demanded a delay in the healthcare law. Now Democrats are picking each other apart demanding a delay in the healthcare law till it, you know, can actually be implemented? Where’s the outrage now, Mr Lefty McLefterstein? Sure, some people have managed to sign up for the pricey new insurance. One lady featured at a White House briefing says it only took her 7 hours. Only 7 hours? Glad to know that the 7 hours I put in at work bought her enough time to sit at the computer.
With roughly 400 Birmingham police on hand for the Magic City Classic, it’s up to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office to provide security for a City Council-sponsored concert Saturday in Railroad Park. Funding for the officers will likely come from a shadowy "consultant line item" in the council's budget. In other words, if you pay taxes in Birmingham you’re footing the bill for two events you probably won’t attend this weekend.
A new book claims President John F. Kennedy's brain was stolen from a locker in the National Archives by his brother, Robert. Call me naive, but I'm still blaming Lee Harvey Oswald for what happened to JFK's brain.
The US asks Norway to accept then destroy chemical weapons from Syria. Norway is all “NO WAY are we going to do that here,” and the US is like “C’mon,” and Norway says, “NO means NO!” Glad they handed out that Nobel Prize to the chem weapons group handling this mess. Not that the Nobel is any great prize anymore ... the chocolate inside the medal is that cheap chalky stuff that might as well be carob.
*ACTUAL CONTENT WARNING* The drug raid at the Tuscaloosa K-9 Training Academy has escalated into an animal abuse investigation. Four employees of Camp Mayhem, a rescue facility that also offers obedience training, face marijuana and drug paraphernalia charges. Making matters worse – investigators say there are signs of animal neglect. Details are sketchy as to who is in charge of the situation. Fayette or Walker? They each told me to call the other entity. Conditions at the facility are reportedly “horrendous,” especially considering the OUTPOURING of donations this group has received. I’m told the Fayette Sheriff's office is compiling a list of owners, dog names, proof of ownership, and visual details about dogs so if you have one “in training” there you can be quickly reunited. There’s a lot of confusion since it’s still an active scene, and a lot of furious people on the Tuscaloosa K-9 Facebook page. Some are asking for their donations BACK. “You can buy weed but you can’t buy pet food?” I understand the anger – if you want to help -- without having a solid option in place, I’d say dropping supplies to the humane society in the area certainly would not hurt. If you have info you’d like to share, hit me up at Lisa@Birminghamseagle.com
, on Facebook, or send me a follow request on Twitter @Lisamasonic.
And a few things you need to know …
Sounds like people just wanted to know for how much they could trade-in their UFO at a dealer, but it was on this date in 1954, the U.S. Air Force officially closed "Operation Bluebook," their investigation of UFO's. Probably because someone controlling their minds told them to. The voice in my head is saying I should stop talking about this, so I will.
On this date in 1870, postcards were available in the U.S. for the first time. Up until that time, when we went on vacation, we wished people weren't there.
It's certainly Fall. The air is getting colder, the leaves are turning from green to crunchy brown, an NFL team is trying to talk Brett Favre out of retirement again. I hate to do a Brett story because he was so kind to me when I met him 10 years ago .. BUT … Brett says he’s suffering from memory loss and can’t recall some very significant details. Apparently Favre is going to dress up as Ronald Reagan from the Iran Contra Hearings this Halloween.
There’s a privacy bug on LinkedIn – it’s affecting nearly 40 people to whom you never speak but have to constantly decline invites to join their LinkedIn network.
Word is, 83-year-old Clint Eastwood's wife is divorcing him for a younger man. This leaves the door open to just about anybody.
Just in time for Halloween, “artist” Dmitri Galitzine is attempting to cross one of the busiest shipping channels in the world in a giant hollowed out pumpkin. On traversing waters in the UK, Galitzine says, "half-ton pumpkins are naturally buoyant and have a waterproof exterior.” Yeah? We’ll see.
"Anchorman" character Ron Burgundy has his own new Ben and Jerry flavor, "Scotchy Scotch Scotch." Though you should never mix Scotch with burgundy.
A new study claims that today's college graduates won't be able to retire until age 73. Wow, that soon?
Netflix says they now have more members than subscribers for HBO. Of course, most of those Netflix customers registered accidentally while trying to sign up for ObamaCare.
Actor Corey Feldman says in his new book that his personal life was such a mess, he turned to Michael Jackson for guidance. That's like asking Miley Cyrus for advice on how to be shy, reserved and conservative.
And … Welcome to my nightmare. More than 500 clowns gathered in Mexico to take part in the 17th International Clown Convention. The clowns had to take time out of their festivities to publicly distance themselves from the recent killing of a drug trafficker who was shot to death last Friday … by a clown. Proof that clowns are evil: one of them shoots a known drug trafficker and the rest of them say, “Oh NO that’s horrible and we don’t condone it!”
Filed Under :
Ben, Brett Favre, Clint Eastwood, Corey Feldman, Dmitri Galitzine, Hitler, Jerry, John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, Lefty McLefterstein, Michael Jackson, Miley Cyrus, Robert, Ronald Reagan
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 24 2013 8:20AM
If you have unshakable insomnia, you’re in luck! The first Congressional hearing into Obamacare web site issues is now underway! We’re through the wormhole here, people. Republicans were likened unto Satan when they demanded a delay to the individual mandate portion of Obamacare, which forced the government shutdown. Now, many DEMOCRATS are calling for the delay since the Healthcare.gov site is about as reliable as a flat tire. Interesting to note that nearly all the Dems asking for the delay seek reelection. So the shutdown AND the Obamacare headaches could have been avoided? The guys who said an Obamacare delay was unacceptable are now calling for it?
CGI is catching some blame for people’s inability to sign up for Obamacare. Well that makes all the sense in the world! If the program is just CGI there’s no way you can manipulate it in the real world. What? Oh. CGI is a company, not slang for “computer generated imaging?” That’s a shame. If Healthcare.gov WAS just a CGI effect, at least we could fix it in post.
There’s a giant fish head spill in Vancouver, Canada. Fish heads? Fish heads. They were described as rolly-polly to eat up yum.
Next time the NSA has job openings, can we hire a bunch of sieves and cut to the chase? Germany says it wants answers as to why the US has been spying on Chancellor Angela Merkel. Good luck, Germany! We want answers too, but aren’t getting them and we elected these people. Our ambassador to Germany has been summoned to Berlin to explain why the U.S. was eavesdropping on Merkel’s private cell phone. Only thing scarier than when your parents call you by your full name? When the Germans do it. As Edmund Blackadder once said, “The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for ‘fluffy.’"
Pope Francis cans the man known as the “Bishop of Bling” for his lavish spending. Can we elect Pope Francis in 2016?
Birmingham police are gearing up for Saturday's Magic City Classic. Over 400 officers will patrol events before, during and after the annual game. So if you were getting your lootin’ clothes on, you’ll have to go across town where it’ll be less policey.
*Actual content warning* This is so distressing. Maybe they were training Snoop Doggs? A lot of people gave overwhelming support to this place after the tornado but now we know the Tuscaloosa K9 Academy was raided yesterday for illegal drug activity. During a month long investigation, undercover agents reportedly made several purchases of marijuana and crystal meth at the dog camp. 4 arrests were made including the owner and the trainer. The Facebook site for Camp Mayhem and Tuscaloosa K9 says they’ll be down for a while, as they are clearing up some “issues.” Yeah. The issue is – if you’re begging for donations every week, where is the money from drug sales going? I don’t know how much meth costs but I bet it would go a long way toward food and medicine.
And just a few things you need to know…
We're exactly two months away from Christmas Eve.
Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones turns 77 today. He joined the group right around the time music was invented.
A new study claims that first-born kids are the smartest of the bunch. Bring that up to your younger siblings at Thanksgiving and see what happens.
Facebook has lifted its ban on videos showing decapitation. That seems a little extreme, except of course for those people who constantly ask us to play Farmville.
A new study says that older people who sleep less have a better chance at developing Alzheimer's disease. Nice to know we’ll get something for being continuously tired.
Scientists say that all mammals take 21 seconds to pee. Well, that explains that creepy weirdo following us around with the stopwatch.
And … Because we are required by law to mention these humans, and I didn’t do it yesterday, today we must ask ourselves, “Why did Kanye propose to Kim Kardashian?” Simple! He figured if her mom and Bruce Jenner could make it ... oh. Or maybe he figured if Lamar Odom and Khloe could make it... uh... oh. Maybe he was just trying to keep up with the Kardashians? I think it all boils down to the simple fact that both Kim and Kanye are madly in love ... with themselves.
Why are the headlines so unfunny today? I have no excuse other than the fact I’m out of funny again, haven’t been to the store. Watching the news last night, my head started to hurt and I figure you’re already there too so ... let’s just kick back and look at the pictures of that hot running back from Notre Dame. He’s trending online ... can we draft him? For everything?
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 23 2013 8:13AM
Because to America, there IS no bigger story. There’s a rumor going around that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian plan to hold their wedding ceremony on Mars! It’s not true. They're making their families come here.
The hot new game to sweep the nation is no longer latest version of Grand Theft Auto, it’s the fun new “try to sign up for healthcare” game. Only a handful of computer masterminds have been able to beat it thus far. Game addiction is rampant in the Tea Party. You why they love logging onto Healthcare.gov so much? Because everybody goes round-and-round in circles, they never actually get anywhere, and there are more crashes than NASCAR. President Obama has been unable to find a way to blame George Bush for the problems of the ObamaCare website rollout. Hey, wait a minute, Obama -- blame Al Gore for the Internet!
The parent of a North Texas high school football player has filed a bullying complaint against a rival team's coaching staff after his son's team lost, 91-0. I see a bright future for this poor kid. Oh, not in the NFL, but sitting wrapped in bubble wrap by his over-protective father who brings home “dates” for his son who have been carefully screened by using night vision goggles and duct tape.
Can’t imagine why he’s not relying on Obamacare, but in an effort to fund children's health care; Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is proposing an additional 75 cent tax on a pack of cigarettes that would bring the average price of cigarettes in Chicago to $7.42 cents a pack. Barack Obama said it's a big sacrifice for smokers, but for the sake of the kids, he's willing to pay it (so long as Michelle doesn’t find out).
Wait – now Crimson Tide FANS are in trouble with Nick Saban? During last Saturday’s blow out of Arkansas, footage showed empty seats. Saban says if you come for four quarters you darn well better STAY for four quarters. If you’re going to the game this weekend, don’t you dare get up before Nick says it’s OK. He’ll call a time-out just to yell at his players ... imagine what he’ll do to US! He’s probably already got your wife in the locker room with a thug ready to break her fingers if YOU get up to go potty.
Birmingham’s City Council and Mayor were officially sworn in yesterday. The group is vowing to work together because the good of the city depends on cooperhahahahahahaha! Yeah, right.
2,000 transportation workers in San Francisco have gone on strike shutting down the Bay Area Rapid Transit System. The city has announced that all gropers who usually work the BART cars should now meet at Democratic Party Headquarters for further instructions. See? Because their mayor was thrown out for groping and -- oh never mind. Let’s talk about the Kardashians again.
JeffCo officials are still debating whether an 82-year old Midfield man was justified in shooting a home intruder. David Haynes, the home-owner, has been the victim of numerous burglaries. 34 year-old Jacob Lawayne Marsh, the dead guy, has a 15 year string of criminal convictions. Haynes found Marsh rummaging through his kitchen Monday night, and shot him five times in the head with his shotgun. FIVE head shots? What was this guy, a walker? Bad guys beware of men over 70! You never know who was in the armed forces, a few wars, who is grumpy because you woke him up, and who’s been waiting over 70 years to finally take out some punk the police let go.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1946, the United Nations met in New York for the very first time. Of course, being the first day, nothing was really accomplished … a tradition that has now spanned 67 years!
On this date in 1956, the ill-fated revolt in Communist Hungary started, but was easily crushed by Soviet tanks. The leader of Hungary said, "I led this revolt and this is the tanks I get?"
Soccer great Pele turns 73 today. He was the Babe Ruth of soccer, except he was in shape and Babe Ruth didn't play soccer.
Scientists claim they may be close to discovering a cure for baldness. You know, if they find a cure for baldness, maybe they can find a cure for bald-face liars, and we can finally clean out Washington D.C.
Uruguay has announced it's going to start selling marijuana for $1 a gram. Have it Uruguay!
Dolly Parton is home resting comfortably after being in a car accident. She had to fight off 32 medics trying to give her CPR.
And … There’s a rumor going around the tech world that the New Apple iPads Can Also Be Used As a Toaster! No, you're thinking of the new apple iTarts.
Enjoy these bonus Helpful Halloween tips! A lot of kids will be wanting to do the pumpkin carving this weekend. I’ve already had four Jack o’Lanterns end up in the compost pile because I just couldn’t wait. I found these tips online to keep your pumpkin out of the rotter, along with some safety tips because God forbid anyone do anything fun without a warning label.
1. You can apparently prolong a carved pumpkin's life by lathering the inside of the shell and cut areas with Vaseline. Kinky, but OK. We’ll try it.
2. Avoid cutting mouths that are large open spaces or very long horizontally. They weaken the pumpkin at the bottom and can make it collapse. And that’s no fun.
3. To prevent a fire hazard, use battery-operated candles to light the pumpkin. Those touch lights you picked up at a yard sale work wonders. Plus, your o’Lanterns will stay on all night so if you leave for work at 4am like me, there’s bright pumpkins to see you off.
4. Safety third! Woman’s Day magazine says small children should make Jack o'Lantern faces by attaching vegetables, fruit or candy to the pumpkin with toothpicks instead of cutting. #LAME. OR … you could do like my Da did with me when I was a kid. Pre-draw the design then hand you a filet knife while saying, “THIS is a fillet knife and it’s freaking sharp. THIS is how you hold it, THIS is how you cut. THIS is how you be careful so Mommy doesn’t know I let you use the fillet knife.”
OK. So maybe these aren’t helpful tips, they’re just ... tips.
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 17 2013 8:23AM
A stenographer for the House apparently lost it last night as lawmakers passed the government funding and debt limit deal. The woman began shouting a fiery message about God and the Freemasons before being hauled off for a mental evaluation. Sadly, she’s not even the biggest nut in the House. President Obama signed the debt deal that funds the government through January. I hope it's a good deal. I know when I pay my rent 3 months early I get a $50.00 credit. Wait. We’ll get to do this all over again in January? HUZZAH! I hear “Shutdown 2: Electric Boogaloo” will be even better than the original!
A study released by the Kaiser Foundation ranks Alabama as second in terms of the percentage of uninsured adults who still do not qualify for health coverage under either Medicaid or the Affordable Care Act. They do, however, qualify to pay that big fat fine if they don’t sign up for the Affordable Care Act anyway.
Reporters say that since he was first-elected in 2008, President Obama has played about 150-full-rounds of golf, while George W. Bush only played 24 through his ENTIRE two terms. To be fair to President Obama, George Bush used to toss his clubs and leave when his first shot didn't make it through the windmill.
Bessemer loses one of it’s more upscale businesses – the flea market in Brighton burned down last night. Merchandise losses total in the dozens.
A mass grave has been discovered in Bosnia, which could prove to be a further nail in the coffin of former leader Radovan Karadzic, who is currently on trial for crimes against humanity. Karadzic was arrested after hiding for 12 years masquerading as a faith healer who sold lucky charms. Lucky charms? Black hearts. Yellow souls. Pink cloven hooves…
Anniston police are on a ghost hunt. The ghost in question broke into the ABC store on Highway 431, smashing the door and slipping inside. Surveillance video shows a man wearing a bed sheet ghost costume roaming the aisles. After taking inventory, employees found not one thing missing! He broke in but didn’t take anything? Maybe they didn’t have what he wanted. Ghosts are very picky with their SPIRITS. You know what goblins drink on Halloween? GHOUL-ADE. This robber should have just stuck with BLOOD LITE or MaliBOO rum! Hey! I’m here all week!
And a few things you need to know…
Wow, we're exactly 5 months away from St. Patrick's Day!
On this date in 1888, Thomas Edison filed for a patent on the "optical photograph" -- the motion picture. While he was at it, he patented the idea of a $10 tub of popcorn.
On this date in 1492, Columbus discovered San Salvador. It was a huge day for the San Salvador Chamber of Commerce.
Richard Johnson, one of our country's earlier vice presidents, was born in 1781. As a boy, he vowed to one day become famous but instead, he chose to be a vice president.
It’s truly annoying to see Christmas stuff up before the first trick or treater even arrives. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he has to work at Macy's on Thanksgiving.
An Alaska Airlines flight from San Jose to Honolulu had to make an emergency landing in Oakland after a flock of birds flew into the engines. I don't know what's scarier; a flock of birds breaking your engines, or having to land in Oakland. At least there was plenty of free pâté on the flight.
Believe it or not, the U.S. government shutdown had the unintended effect of making Germans go to bed earlier. A popular late night German TV show called "Space Night" leads the ratings over there.* It shows simple footage of Earth seen from space accompanied by ambient music. “Space Night” went off the air when NASA archivists were furloughed because it relies on US satellite footage. Bored Germans were left with nothing else to do but go to bed.** This doesn’t really speak well for German television programming, when their most popular program is Not See TV.
And … Who knew there was a Popercycle? Pope Francis is auctioning off his Harley-Davidson motorcycle to benefit a soup kitchen. Selling his bike? Was this was foretold in the Book of Rev-Rev-Rev-Revelation? Everybody knows who'll make the winning bid. Basically, the guy with the world's biggest hat is selling a Harley to the guy with the world's biggest chin because Leno has a gear addiction.
*Right after reruns of “Hogan’s Heroes.”
**And plot a global takeover.
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 16 2013 8:00AM
Still no deal in DC to avoid the debt ceiling and end the shutdown. The Senate isn’t even in session till NOON today and Americans are outraged. Basically, our best hope is for our lawmakers to end this shutdown one way or another so they can get back to their jobs and do nothing till we vote every last one of them out.
Probation has been revoked for a local youth evangelist accused of impersonating a cop. Matt Pitt’s parents blame the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for their son’s behavior. Yes, they make it look so attractive to be in law enforcement Pitt had no choice but to impersonate an officer twice. Some followers of The Basement Ministry claim that Pitt is being persecuted just as Jesus was. Ummmm … Jesus was never arrested for impersonating a Roman soldier.
Doctors for former President George W. Bush say that one of his arteries was 95% blocked. After surgery, the chief cardiologist said W was sitting up and eating ice cream shortly after the procedure. To be perfectly honest, W was eating ice cream before and during the procedure as well.
The Grand Canyon is open once again. It took a grant from Starbucks to make it happen, so they're renaming it the "Grande Canyon," but at least it's open. Starbucks founder and CEO Howard Schultz started a petition to keep it open or something. I read part of an article.
If you go to the country of Kuwait, they give you something called a gay test because it's illegal there to be gay. What’s on that test? The ability to match patterns and know that the ottoman should go under the window? Did you double your wardrobe by getting married?
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1941, the penalty flag was introduced for football. It replaced the very unpopular penalty fragmentation grenade. Of course, up until then, there were fewer penalties in every game.
It was on this date in 1793, during the French revolution, that Marie Antoinette had more than just a little taken off the top. Did you know the King of France and his wife separated? It happened right after Marie and her head separated.
Jamaican Gold Medal sprinter, Usain Bolt, is denying charges he may have used performance enhancing drugs before the London Olympics, after reports surfaced that the Jamaican team was not drug-tested before the Games. Not testing the Jamaican team for everything is kinda like the NSA letting the guy wearing the dynamite vest go through airport security unmolested. You know they’re on something, even if it’s “performance DE-hancing” drugs.*
They became a couple on TV, so why wouldn't they get married on TV? Sean and Catherine of ABC's "The Bachelor" will exchange vows live on ABC in January. Whether their divorce will be televised remains to be seen.
Three Americans will share the 2013 Nobel Prize for Economics. I'm guessing they’re not US Congressmen.
Today is National Boss Day! My boss Jon is a great guy to work for, so I got him the same thing I got him for his birthday last week – a great big bag of nothing.
The lights went out yesterday afternoon in Detroit during the ALCS game** between the Red Sox and the Tigers. An announcement came over the loudspeaker saying, "Remember, looters, it's only 4:00 o'clock, so we can still see you."
A flurry of Bigfoot sightings have occurred in rural areas across America in the last two weeks. Ohio, Pennsylvania, California, Michigan and Kentucky have all logged Squatch sightings. The researchers say the reason the Bigfoots* were able to remain hidden until now is that they were just evicted from National Parks closed by the government shutdown. Don't get carried away with these so-called sightings. Bigfoot researchers say that a recent video of a suspected Squatch was just a huge phony in a synthetic suit. It was the exact same finding they came up with when they tested Barack Obama.
And … Pope Francis is continuing his push to connect with young people. He's already known by a variety of monikers, including the Holy Father, the Pontiff, the Bishop of Rome, the Patriarch of the West and the Primate of Italy. The Vatican, hoping to capitalize on the upcoming Caped Crusader film, has added a “fresh” honorific ... he’s Vatman!***
**Whatever that is.
***And probably a better choice than Ben Affleck.
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 15 2013 8:03AM
The Fools on the Hill are now congratulating each other for merely attempting to negotiate. Welcome to the United States of Lowered Expectations! The government shutdown is even affecting the dating world – I overheard a guy trying to pick up a date by saying, “You should furlough that zero and appropriate this hero.”*
“Mr. Mayor, tear down this wall!” A Birmingham City Councilman says the downtown interstate bridges need to be moved because they're a barrier between Downtown and the rest of the city. I’m a DJ, not a bridge engineer but wouldn’t moving the bridges mean moving the interstate itself? Jonathan Austin says the I-20/59 bridges are Birmingham's version of the Berlin Wall. Except you’re not shot by guards trying to cross, you’re shot by locals. You know they found a way to use a banana as a compass back in the days of the Berlin Wall? Lay the banana on top of the Wall, whichever side has a bite taken out of it is East.
An Al Qaeda prisoner at Guantanamo whose weight has doubled to 420-pounds while in captivity may have to be released. Apparently, he's a devotee of the infamous cleric, Paula Deenajad. Why release him? It would be a lot funnier just watching him try to escape. If Obama can't shut down Gitmo, can't he at least close the 24-hour dessert bar? Officials say Abu bin Fatti has been a (plus-size) model prisoner and is not a threat since suicide vests don’t come in “big and tall” sizes.
Youth evangelist Mathew Pitt is in court this morning, he’ll learn if he has to finish serving the remainder of a year-long sentence for his 2012 guilty plea to a charge of attempting to impersonate a police officer. There was an awkward moment as court came to session, Pitt was impersonating a bailiff. Meanwhile the director of security for The Basement was cited Sunday for leaving the scene of an accident. Vince Lovell, driving a Tahoe emblazoned with police-style “Free Pitt” graphics, reportedly sideswiped another driver then fled. Lovell says he only left the scene to go home and get his phone. Oh, OK! The law clearly states “don’t leave the scene of an accident UNLESS you left your cell phone at home.”**
Just because 90 percent of the IRS has been furloughed, doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. If you filed for an extension way back in April, your tax deadline is TODAY! Just don’t expect a refund soon. The IRS will not issue refunds until “normal” operations resume, but they likely have the manpower to come after you immediately if your stuff isn’t in. Remember: there is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.
More NSA documents were released today by Ed Snowdon – just in time for Fall Sweeps! The premiere of the Walking Dead still beat him. AMC's "The Walking Dead" drew 16.1 million viewers Sunday night for its fourth season premiere, the best in the series' history. Some people honestly believe that there is a legitimate threat of a zombie invasion. How prepared are you? Here’s some handy tips on what to do when the zombie apocalypse begins. 1. Begin an immediate catch up marathon watching of "The Walking Dead"—think of it as a training video. 2. Wear a button that says, "I’m a Congressman.” The zombies will assume you have no brains and will not eat you. 3. Invest in T-shirts that say, “I’M WITH DELICIOUSà.” Lastly, the best thing you can do when the zombie apocalypse comes is to only hang out with people you can outrun.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1783, a Frenchman became the first man to fly in a hot air balloon. This was back in the days before bullies had school lockers to stuff you into.
A new study by Oxford University says extremely attractive people enjoy kissing more. I'm guessing the study wasn't conducted until after a shower and a cup of coffee.
A judge in Phoenix has ruled that it's okay for churches to lease out their steeples to double as cell phone towers. Dost thou hears't me now?
And … Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has spent $30 Million on the homes surrounding his mansion for complete privacy. That's not surprising. After all, when you think of Facebook, you think of privacy.
*Hey, I just met you and this is crazy – I’m on furlough, so sequester me maybe?
**There’s no way he left his cell at home.