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Posts from December 2013
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 31 2013 8:51AM
Supreme Court Justice Sandra Sotomayor will be on hand to drop the ball tonight in Times Square, something many believe the High Court has excelled at recently. Is a judge THAT big of a draw on New Year ’s Eve? We can’t get Shields and Yarnell or a minor Kardashian to do it instead? Sydney's massive celebration had great fireworks and an opera singer. She had quite a range at the lower end of the scale: a real deep C diva.


Want to celebrate New Year ’s Eve by firing off your gun? Birmingham PD says if you get caught, you’ll celebrate six months in jail. Oh that’s not a firearms charge, that’s the penalty for impersonating an Al Qaida member.

I don’t want to do one of those “Year in Review” lists because I have to be across town in 30 minutes and don’t have time to look anything up. However, one of the top stories of 2013 was when Pope Benedict just up and quit! That gave us Pope Francis, who should be the go-to guy when ANYBODY quits. I hear he’s already up for the head coaching job at the Vikings, AND Redskins. I’m taking vacation next week and word is he’ll be filling in for me.


You might not want to get sick or hurt tonight, many new Obamacare enrollees will have neither insurance cards nor proof of registry for tomorrow’s deadline. Or was that deadline moved? I think it was the other deadline of the new deadline that was moved for a different deadline so … if you have Obamacare you should have fought harder to save Cooper Green Hospital.


Chilton County has a problem. OK, a couple problems.  Trash, tires and animal carcasses are being dumped in creeks. The county's litter agent says the waterways feed into a river that’s a source of drinking water and a popular swimming spot. Heck year it’s popular! There are old tires to swim through and carcasses to dodge; it’s like an Olympic sport!


Speaking of … the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia aren’t shaping up to be a hot ticket. Oddly, it’s not due to two terrorist bombings in two days. Travel logistics and a lack of quality hotels are keeping sports fans away. Plus, most tourists can’t pronounce “Sochi” in order to book tickets beyond Thunderdome.

 
If you wanted to hear more about that elusive, secretive man called Phil Robertson you’re in luck! He’s been reinstated on "Duck Dynasty" but a new video has surfaced in which Robertson talks about the merits of marrying teenage girls. In the clip, Robertson is seen loitering outside a high school as freshman girls file past and saying, “That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”


Beyonce says she really DID intend the love song “XO” to be a tribute to the Challenger astronauts, and that’s the reason she samples NASA's audio from the disaster. Since Beyonce is suddenly sooooo interested in space exploration can we send her on that one-way trip to Mars? Aaaaand here we end the year with a news story that includes “Beyonce” and “NASA” in the same sentence. I think this might be the end, people.


A third rescue attempt has been thwarted due to inclement weather, so passengers aboard that Russian ship trapped in Antarctica will remain trapped. One passenger, aboard to study effects of global warming, was heard to say, “We need some freaking global warming up in here right now!” I’ve never been interested in cruises so daily rescue briefings instead of shuffleboard are oddly appealing.


And a few things you need to know…

 
The Roman Emperor Titus was born yesterday back in 40 AD. In case you're wondering, yes, he had a last name: Adrum.
 

Americans named President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as the world's most admired living man and woman in 2013, according to a Gallup poll released on Monday. This proves that there is a hallucinogenic drug epidemic in America. Although … admiring a guy who won the presidency even though he’s never run so much as a lemonade stand IS rather an admirable concept for the professionally unqualified. This means I could be elected Prime Minister of Russia! Which is great considering I’m immune to polonium.   


It’s the last day of 2013, and I still don’t care with whom Robin Roberts chooses to sleep.


So long and thanks for all the hallucinogenic fish! Dolphins have been recorded chewing on toxic puffer fish. The fish are deadly but in small doses produce trippy effects. The dolphins were viewed acting strangely and gazing at their own reflections after chewing the fish which they shared with their pod-mates. And yes, they passed it on the left-hand side.*


And finally … My New Year’s resolution? I’ll probably keep it at 1280 x 1024 as always.  


* I say east, say west, say north and south (on the left hand side). This is gonna make us jump and shout (on the left hand side).

 
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 27 2013 8:03AM

~~It’s time to get out and hit those “After Boxing Day” sales!

 
On this date in 2012, nothing happened. Because NOTHING happens in the week between Christmas and New Year’s and I have ZERO show content.
 

Crooks broke into the DMV in Millington, Tennessee and stole two ATM’s. There are NO leads because this happened at the DMV so naturally nobody was working to spot the thieves.
 

Today is the second day of Kwanzaa – I’m not sure but I THINK that’s the day your true love is supposed to get you African Premiere League tickets. Wow. That’s the SECOND soccer joke this week – I should have just taken vacation like everyone else.
 

Tens of thousands remain without power in the snow from Main to Michigan after last weekend’s ice storm left them in the deep freeze. They’re afraid to eat with metal cutlery due to their lounges freezing to their forks.  What, did they order their heat thru Amazon and UPS?
 

Speaking OF … UPS says the Christmas package delay was caused by late shoppers, a spike in shipping and bad weather – and was a PERFECT STORM. Granted, I don’t think anyone’s going to make a film out of THIS perfect storm starring Clooney and Markey Mark.
 

Today is national fruitcake day. A new holiday survey shows that out of all the fruitcakes produced, only 1/3 of them are ever eaten. Really? I’m shocked it’s THAT high! What becomes of all the other fruitcakes? Fortunately, we know. Many of the uneaten fruitcakes go to fix wobbly tables, some are used as railroad ties and I’m told the mafia uses them in place of cement shoes – for more festive executions during the holidays. Did you know that during Superstorm Sandy, uneaten fruitcakes were used in lieu of sandbags? The best use I’ve ever found for a fruitcake involved skeet shooting. But, as you’d expect, the vast majority of unwanted fruitcakes are eventually elected to public office.
 

Sharks in Western Australia have been outfitted with devices to send a Tweet that will warn beachgoers of their presence. As if sharks weren’t already apex predators, now they’re just swimming blindly around the ocean not paying a bit of attention because they’re distracted by their phones. Stay alive, don’t Tweet and dive!


If you’re making New Year’s plans, you’re probably making resolutions as well. Keep in mind the more practical a resolution; the more likely you are to keep it!  Here’s some easy ones to keep: Try not to make more than one resolution, aaaand you’re done! Resolve to start smoking,  or to gain 15 pounds. This year MY resolution is to get into more arguments on Facebook and Twitter.


60 people in Argentina were injured by a school of hungry piranha. Witnesses say they hadn’t seen such a feeding frenzy since the “4:20 Legalize It” club held their annual meeting at the Denver Golden Corral.
 

Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 26 2013 8:29AM
Not only do I have no news to share today, the site STILL makes you scroll past the Alagasco post AND now it won't let me upload a picture. So, Boxing Day is off to a roaring start. 
Hope you and yours had a wonderful Christmas and that this Kwanzaa is the best ever. How could it not be?
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Topics : Human InterestSports
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 23 2013 7:58AM

~~I'm just itching for Christmas to come. Must have spent too much time rolling around in the Holly and the Poison Ivy. Remember: "Santa knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good 'cause he works for the N.S.A."
 

Today is the last day to sign up for Obamacare online IF you want coverage by January first. Hey, they missed THEIR deadlines, it’ll be OK for us to do the same, right? RIGHT??
 

Astronauts on the International Space Station are conducting several Christmastime spacewalks to repair a broken electrical system. I guess you could say they're space walking in a winter wonderland
 

This is curious -- I don't remember buying 43 LCD TVs at Target on Black Friday. I wonder what I did with them. Nice how Target made you get up at ungodly hours on Black Friday to spend most of your Christmas shopping budget there and then let someone steal your identity.
 

Kobe Bryant is out for at least 6-weeks with a fractured left knee. There's a lot of mileage on that knee. It's the same one he goes down on when he's giving his wife a new ring after she catches him messing around.
 


And a few things you need to know…
 

On this day in 1920, Ireland divided into two parts. My guess is, two parts whiskey.  
 

On this date in 1975, the U.S. Congress passed the Metric Conversion Act. They’ve been trying to convert the U.S. to the metric system, but we just keep inching along.
 

A new poll says that the most annoying word in the English language is "whatever." People think it's obnoxious and insipid. That's why you never catch me saying it. I always abbreviate it to "whatevs."
 

SeaWorld has launched a massive promotional campaign, running full-page ads in major newspapers across America to counteract negative publicity about their killer whale programs generated by the release of the explosive documentary "Blackfish." Unfortunately for SeaWorld, that newspaper ad campaign only conjures up lines like, "What's black and white and red all over? A bloody, abused killer whale at SeaWorld."
 

And ... If you missed it, figure skater Brian Boitano last week announced he's gay. Guess this means he won’t be a guest star on Duck Dynasty.
 

Now for some super special holiday filler! All the main news channels are running stock “survival tips” for the holidays, so why shouldn’t I? I guess baby Jesus wants it this way.
 

Getting together with family for Christmas? Those who are without their families say the rest of us should count ourselves lucky that we still have them. Hard to believe sometimes, but we should. Here’s some handy tips to keep the peace at family Christmas gatherings.
 

1. Don’t regress.  Gathering with your family can bring back a lot of old, painful memories. It’s not unusual to find fully grown adults behaving like moody teenagers so time your bathroom breaks with disagreements and just remove yourself from the situation. When it doubt, just walk away like the man in that documentary “Mad Max” advised.  
 

2. Keep a lid on your temper. Don’t begin your argument with, “Why do you always do this?” Of course, in my house it’s usually “LISA always does this” even when I’m just minding my own business. Don’t engage - just walk away.
 

3. Don’t expect miracles. If your family has never been nice to you, don’t expect it to change just because it’s Yule. Remember that Waffle House is open and you might get a discount if you tell them you’re an orphan.
 

4. Don’t take the bait. Family members have a habit of knowing what buttons to press and which awkward questions to ask. Don’t play the game. Nothing’s more irritating that Gramma Daisey prying into your relationship status, “So you’re still single then?” Just thank her for her interest and walk away. Then there’s Cousin Carl and, “How would you like to be a part of my new investment?” RUN… don’t walk away.
 

5. Have a holly jolly cocktail! Just don’t overdo it. While it’s tempting to get plastered and decide it’s high time you told Aunt Linda what you really think about her new husband, don’t. Although – I know people who do things like that completely sober. Just walk away and you might make it to Boxing Day without a homicide investigation.
 

6. Whatever it is you DO do, have a Merry Christmas, a Scary Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, Joyous Wednesday or all of the above! And I didn’t get you anything.
 

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by Lisa Mason posted Dec 20 2013 7:18AM
My daily "Nearly Impossible Trivia" game ran insanely long, then the computer crashed and I broke a nail. Insert your own news here. 
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by Lisa Mason posted Dec 19 2013 8:03AM

Did you shop at Target this season? Check your bank statements.  40 million credit and debit cards from shoppers at every Target store in the US are compromised. The key dates are from November 27th thru December 15th. Wow – Target says they won’t carry Beyoncé’s new record and THIS happens? Do NOT mess with Beyoncé! Seriously though, the Secret Service is investigating the data theft. Why don’t they just call the NSA and ask THEM who took the data? Case closed!


Rain, snow and heat won’t keep a carrier from his appointed task. Gloom of night? That’s another story. Numerous Birmingham and Bessemer residents are complaining that their mail is arriving long after dark. The only thing worse than getting a stack of bills and junk mail is having to use a flashlight to go get them.


The new budget deal approved by the House and Senate slashes military pensions. If only it slashed Congressmen. Like Jason or Michael Myers.


Documents filed in federal court in Miami indicate Carnival Cruise Lines knew the Carnival Triumph had mechanical problems before it’s ill-fated cruise that ended with the now-legendary nightmare tow into Mobile. You remember that? All the passengers were confined to the poop deck? Two Vestavia children last spring called Child Protective Services on their parents after they booked a Carnival cruise.  HEY! Know what the GOP is getting President Obama for Christmas? Carnival Cruise tickets. Hey, I’D take that cruise ... I like to live dangerously.   Thanks Carnival, for allowing all of to recycle our jokes about you.


Congratulations are in order to two people who beat the incredible odds and can now proudly say they were able to sign up for   Obamacare online. In other news, two people won the Mega Millions jackpot! 


An Arizona ski resort named Snowbowl is again reconsidering using treated waste water for snowmaking because their snow came out yellow. I'm pretty sure no one wants to ski down "The Bladderhorn" or “Mount Peepeemanjaro.”  Why don't they just rename the resort "Toiletbowl?"


NASA has ordered a series of urgent spacewalks to fix a broken cooling line at the International Space Station. Who broke the AC? Did one of those “tourist-astronauts” win a trip to the ISS on the game show, "Pig in a Poke" and trip while decorating for Christmas? The poor guy who has to make the repairs apparently lost a bet and will spacewalk wearing the same leaky space suit that another astronaut nearly drowned in back in July. NASA really should stop buying their stuff at garage sales.


Liberals are overjoyed that President Obama is sending a contingent of gay athletes to Russia for the Olympics. Yet when late Senator Jesse Helms suggested sending gay people to Siberia they were angry! Yeesh, pick a side people.


And a few things you need to know …


On this date in 1777, George Washington set up camp at Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. Freedom was on the line, but Valley Forge was horrendously cold. The next year they all voted to camp in Fiji.


On this date in 1732, Ben Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. Everyone loved it, except of course, for Poor Richard, who couldn't afford a copy.  Franklin wanted to come out with a Kindle edition but it was 1732 and people would have burned him at the stake for being a warlock if he’d produced a Kindle Fire HD.


Actress Alyssa Milano turns 41 today. GREAT. Another day of people wishing me happy birthday, because I get mistaken for her all the time. For a while, she was the most-downloaded woman on the Internet. Of course, now, thanks to the NSA, we all are. 


"Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson is catching heat for saying that homosexuality is evil and that black people were just dandy under Jim Crow. Some worry this might topple the massive Duck Dynasty merchandising empire but the crew is already making the negative press work in their favor. Along with Duck Dynasty wine, Chia Pets, beef jerky and 800 other tchotchkes with their faces on them, the family is adding a line of white hooded robes.


Warner Brothers. is making a full-length movie version of "Gilligan's Island." Pleasepleaseplease cast Toronto Mayor and professional crack head Rob Ford as the Skipper.

And … according to a new poll, 64% of people say "Merry Christmas," 31% say "Happy Holidays" and 5% say Unsure.  Why would you say "unsure" to people at Christmas?  

by Lisa Mason posted Dec 18 2013 8:08AM


If you drove to Atlanta for your Mega Millions lottery ticket and bought it at the Gateway News Stand, check your numbers and remember you were ALWAYS my favorite relative. Lotto officials confirm 2 winning tickets for the $636 million jackpot.

 
A third person linked to ex-Patriot player Aaron Hernandez has died. By the time this creep gets to trial, EVERYONE who knows him will be mysteriously deceased. Maybe we should tell Aaron that George Zimmerman, Kanye and all the Kardashians are going to testify against him.


National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden has asked Brazil to let him move there. Must be a big World Cup fan. Oh hello soccer joke that only three people in Alabama will get!


A pump on the International Space station needs to be repaired, so urgent spacewalks have been scheduled. Is there any other kind than urgent? “Hey Sergei, where are ya going?” “Oh I dunno. Just outside for a while, facing dangerous conditions and possibly instant death.”


It IS the end of the world as HE knows it! Remember the "doomsday preacher," Harold Camping? He kept making date-specific warnings of Armageddon, all of which came and went without consequence. He’s dead at age 92. Camping's family claims he's now in a better place, but God said, "That’s another incorrect prediction."  Harold secretly gave up on predicting the end of the world in 2011, and started predicting other things, like, "If you like your world, you can keep your world." He then concentrated on predicting easier things, like the collapse of the Missouri Tigers defense. Camping’s funeral will be an open-casket, outdoors affair because Harold predicted rain.


George Zimmerman is trying to sell a painting he did on eBay for over $99,000. If the painting is a signed document promising that he will NEVER appear in another headline, I’d bid.


The Birmingham City Council passes a restrictive ordinance on food trucks after restaurant owners whined that the trucks were stealing their business away. Call me crazy, but if your products and services are good enough then people will still want you even if the taco and cupcake trucks are outside. Fueling the fire, the Council passed the restrictions without even reading the ordinance! Everyone knows “You have to pass it to see what’s in it!” When did Pelosi get on the Council?
 
And a few things you need to know …

In 1957, the movie "Bridge Over The River Kwai" premeired. That movie still makes me Kwai.

On this day in 1972, the U.S. began the "Christmas bombing" of North Viet Nam. The tough part was gift wrapping all those bombs.

"Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson refused to do a Barbara Walters interview to go duck hunting. BAD career move. The last person to snub Barbara got shot in a movie theater by John Wilkes Booth.

Warner Brothers is making a full length reboot of Gilligan’s Island. It’s a bit different: Ginger chooses MaryAnn and the Professor gets voted off the island because every 6 months he makes their old technology obsolete by coming out with a new version of his bamboo smart-phone.  

Target is refusing to sell Beyoncé’s new album because she released it online first with neither fanfare nor forewarning and that makes Target sad. That sound you hear is Beyoncé being too busy to worry about Target because she’s got money that’s not going to count itself.

‘Tis the season for festive family gatherings. Or not. Ashley Judd is accusing her sister Wynonna of placing a tracking device on her car, to spy on her. What? You’d think Wynonna would have something better to do considering the number of Christmas buffets around. 

And … A new study says cats, unlike other animals which were domesticated by man, domesticated themselves by moving into ancient Chinese villages. It's unclear at what point the Chinese started eating them.

by Lisa Mason posted Dec 17 2013 8:15AM

~~I was asked why the news has been A) so short and B) rather unfunny lately. It’s because IIIIIIIIIIII don’t have time to wriiiiite and WHOOOOOO is going to wrap allllll this stuff?! I haven’t even started shopping for my dog! I didn’t realize Christmas was Wednesday till someone at the gym mentioned it. They asked “Are you Jewish?” I replied no, but I swapped my Google Calendar from Gregorian to Julien and thought today was December 4th. Anyway, on to the news!

 

A federal judge has ruled that the NSA spying is “almost certainly unconstitutional” and that it is “almost Orwellian” in nature. Orwellian? What does a shadowy government entity that exerts constant surveillance over citizens have to do with the Spanish Civil War? He wrote several books about his experience in the war so I’m not sure what Judge Bookey McReader is referencing. 

You can finally go to jail in Bessemer again! The jail, closed in 2009 due to budget cuts, has reopened. To get a personal tour of the facility, all you have to do is get arrested.
 
Some top-notch local reporting happening this morning on the gas explosion that levelled two apartments in Gate City. The reporter on a station I won’t call by name (but it rhymes with “Mannell Morty Moo”) complained that the police had set up a barricade for safety and vowed to viewers that “we’ll try to get our truck around barricade so we can talk to some of the people back there by the gas leak.” Or you could, I don’t know, let the police work instead of acting like Marius in Les Miserables?

Honestly, Orwell has like four books on the Spanish Civil War. What does that have to do with anything involving the NSA and an administration that does at it pleases despite the constitution?
 
China makes the first unmanned soft landing on the Moon since 1976. Their first mission: to find life on the planet. Their second mission: to see if that form of life could be an even cheaper work force. 

I’m still scratching my head over that judge’s reference. What other Orwell book could possibly aptly describe the NSA situation? I mean, you have a ruling party who expects citizens to swallow any lie that is told to them without question. Could he be talking about “Such, Such Were the Joys?”

Happy 77th birthday to Pope Francis, he’ll celebrate by quietly continuing being awesome. The Vatican is selling scented candles for the occasion – but they all smell like pope-purri. Wow, pack a lunch. 

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1777, France became the first nation to recognize the U.S. as a nation. It was a way for them to be cutting-edge and rude at the same time.  In fact, they were so inspired; they had a revolution of their own. Oh they liked the idea of independence, they just wanted to do it together with someone stronger.

On this date in 1903, the Wright brothers became the first to fly an airplane in America! They stayed up for 12 seconds. I'm going to stop right there.    
 
The producers of "Family Guy" averted career suicide by having the character Stewie go back in time to save the life of the family dog Brian, who was killed off. Fans were outraged because Brian is awesome. They should have killed off Meg because she’s entirely unlikable.
 
Speaking of animated shows … The first episode of the Simpsons aired 24 years ago today. That was back when it was still funny. 

Bill Pullman turns the big 6-0 today. He was the president in "Independence Day." He taught us all a valuable lesson: in times of crisis, bring in Will Smith and Harry Connick, Jr.  His poll numbers are still higher than President Obama’s.

Did you know that critics of the live version of the Sound of Music say Carrie Wood's understudy was called the "Underwoody"? Her her acting coach is being called an "Undertaker."

Tom Cruise is doing another "Mission Impossible" sequel. In this one, he tries to sign up for ObamaCare online.

Unauthorized Aryan Nation spokesperson and Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly is defending her comments about Santa and Jesus being white guys. She says she was obviously joking and anyone who didn’t get the joke is just a hater who will attack anybody at Fox. She's right. Nobody gave Anthony Weiner any flack when he went on MSNBC to say Santa was 50 Shades of Grey. The good news for Megyn is that her statement vaulted her all the way up to #50 on the list of stupid things said on the news in 2013. I don’t know why it matters if some chirpie wants to say Santa and Jesus are white, but what’s her ruling on Halle Berry and Beyonce? 
 
And … The Mega Millions Jackpot is up to 586 million dollars. Yes I have tickets. Yes my boss will have to find a replacement for me after I win. Unless I can do my show live from Fiji.

by Lisa Mason posted Dec 16 2013 7:17AM

If you’re one of the ones who keeps tabs on the Celebrity Death Triangles. The latest has Peter O Toole, Joan Fontaine and the guy who shot a student at Colorado’s Arapahoe High. Karl Pierson’s actions last Friday have Colorado already considering new weapons bans. Pierson had three Molotov cocktails, how does one really regulate rags stuffed into liquor bottles?

The Heisman memorial trophy annually recognizes the outstanding college football player whose performance best exhibits the pursuit of excellence with integrity. Yep. FSU’s Jameis Winston DID handle his criminal investigation pretty smoothly.

Rumors are that ever since his heart transplant, former VEEP Dick Cheney has been haunted by the ghost of the Tea Party heart-donor. 

A new health study has shown that those males who don't wear shirts at 20-degree college football games grow up to be senior citizens who wear 2-coats over a sweater on a 95-degree day.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un had his uncle executed, but his Aunt still has her government job. That’s going to be a pretty awkward Christmas dinner.

Tomorrow’s mega millions lottery drawing is now worth 550 million dollars. If you win, please remember you were ALWAYS my favorite!

And a few things you need to know …

The Boston Tea Party took place on this date in 1773. A group dumped 45 tonnes of tea into Boston Harbor while dressed as Indians. At first, the British thought the Village People were behind it. 

Madonna has broken up with her 30-year-old boyfriend. No big loss. She'll just go Christmas-shopping for a new one on the Island of Misfit Boy-Toys.

Harvard students have voted to ban bottled water from being sold on campus. Aren’t you happy you held on to that water bucket stock?  

China has landed a Lunar Rover to the Moon. An hour later, it’ll have to land again.

For those who just don’t spend enough time playing with their phone, Instagram has added private messaging.  So you can see pictures of your buddy’s food without having to scroll down.

And … I haven’t verified if this is true, but I came across a list of odd Christmas traditions. In Spanish Catalonia there is a holiday tradition to hide a clay figure of someone defecating in every Nativity Scene. The figure is known as the Caganer, or “Christmas Pooper.” It gives a whole new meaning to the term “Yule Log.” So if you're traveling to Spanish Catalonia for Christmas, you probably want to skip the LIVE Nativity Scenes.

And …I probably need to apologize to the guy who works at the Cullman Taco Bell. Almost everywhere you go this time of year, you’re asked to donate to #Cause. I was getting a drink after my broadcast Saturday and was asked, “Would you donate a dollar to help a teen graduate?” What? It kinda caught me off guard. Usually it’s Salvation Army/UnitedWay/food drive sort of groups. I asked the cashier, “What? Do I give a teen a dollar and that will make them study?” I’m pretty sure my Diet Dr. Pepper came with a booger in it.

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Location : Colorado
by Lisa Mason posted Dec 13 2013 7:59AM
The scrolling past 6 month old posts is annoying. Thanks for bothering to click the mouse since your gratification isn't instant. Or  necessarily gratifying. On to today's news ...

North Korea has executed the uncle of leader Kim Jong Un. You know what this means? There’s an entry-level job opening for a military dictatorship advisor! Uncle Jang Sung Thaek was purged (read: shot) last week for being a "corrupt, drug-taking womanizer." Really? I thought those were prerequisites for politicians? Anyway, it’s a good thing George Bailey didn't do this with Uncle Billy when he lost the bank deposit in "It's a Wonderful Life."
 
The House passes a non-historic funding bill, expects praise from Americans. Americans largely ignore it because we have extremely short – oooh! SQUIRREL!
 
Canada is claiming that they own the North Pole.  NORAD has raised the US security level to "Elf Con One." Shouldn't countries have to pay in order to claim ownership over the North Pole? I know I'd buy-Polar. 
 
For those of you who believe there is NOT a war against Christmas, explain this headline: “Obama Death Panel Cheif Approves Euthanizing Living Nativity Scenes.” You just can’t make this stuff up! Or maybe you can. Actually, it’s extremely easy to make this stuff up.
 
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under 2 not be exposed to iPads because it can impede their brain development. If you're buying your 2 year-old an iPad, the child's already got an heredity strike against them. 
 
16 year- old Ethan Couch got away with murder. The Texas teen plowed over four pedestrians while driving drunk on stolen booze but will serve no jail time because his lawyers used the “Affluenza” defense. “Affluenza” pertains to rich kids raised with the belief that their actions have zero consequences. The disease is also known as “Douchebaggery” and is generally passed from parent to child. Juvie Court Judge Joan Boyd gave the wealthy 16 year-old probation instead of prison for the quadruple murder … odds are Ethan’s parents gave Judge Boyd a 2014 Audi R8 and a bag of money.
 
Thank goodness. You can now be legally armed if you accidentally drift into West Virginia. West Virginia and Alabama have agreed to recognize each other's concealed-carry handgun permits.   I'd add a West Virginia punchline but they've suffered enough just by waking up in West Virginia today.
 
Chinese scientists say they're close to perfecting a working, Star Trek-like, invisibility cloak! They claim they’ve already made a cat disappear. Of course some Chinese restaurants have been doing that for years.  
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
Today is Friday the 13th. How could any Friday be unlucky? Wait, don’t answer that.
 
On this date in 1577, Sir Francis Drake set sail to circumnavigate the world, even though some were opposed to circumnavigation.
 
Remember Brittney Spears’ ex Kevin Federline? His wife is pregnant, meaning K-Fed is about to become a father for the sixth time. Well, there's one person who hopes they raise the minimum wage.
 
Madonna and her 30-year younger boyfriend have split. Yes, right before Christmas, no more Madonna and child.
 
The Super Bowl Committee says they will not allow tailgate parties at Met Life Stadium before the game. So fans will need to plan ahead, take the bus and arrive drunk.
 
Two young girls were kicked out of a grocery store in Washington State for singing Christmas carols. The store said it’s nothing personal, just another episode of the “X-mas Factor.”
 
After NBC announced they’d bump “It’s a Wonderful Life” to show "The Sound of Music" again, Julie Andrews says she did not watch the live production starring Carrie Underwood. “The hills are alive with the sound of meeoooww!”
 
An update on that six year old boy in Colorado who was suspended from school for sexual harassment for kissing a girl on the hand. Turns out this little Casanova ALSO kissed her on the cheek! Good thing this menace is safely in time-out. Sadly for him, the girl tested positive for cooties.
 
My fave story of the day is dedicated to my Gamecock friends. Where else but South Carolina would family members call the cops to break up a fight over decorating the Christmas tree? On Thanksgiving, we had an aggravated assault charge against a South Carolina man who attacked his brother over which silverware to use. This time we have three Spartanburg women, aged 76, 61 and 24, who started shoving and screaming after they fell out over decorating the Christmas tree. The main beef was that two of the women had decorated the tree while the other one was at work. A male relative, aged 41, later arrived at the house to try and calm the three females down but was unsuccessful. No kidding! THAT’S when the claws come out. There’s nothing like having a man try to break up a family spat between women, they will inevitably put aside differences to turn on the MAN who’s just trying to get them to shut up.  Anyhoo, nobody was hurt during the ruckus, but medics were called to examine the 76 year-old combatant as she was concerned about her blood pressure. None of the four wanted to press charges so no arrests were made and police said the four were apologizing to each other by the time they left at about 1.30am. Well Merry Christmas to all … and to all a good night!
 
And … My mom told me last night to “do more corny funny stuff and less of that intellectual stuff you try.” OK. Here are some Christmas jokes.
 
You know why Christmas trees are so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them!
 
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
 
Know what you call Santa's helpers? They’re Subordinate Clauses.
 
Can you name the most popular Christmas carol in the desert? Easy! It’s “Camel ye Faithful.”  
 
OK… maybe I’m getting the “joke” thing wrong.  

 

 
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