August 29, 2014
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Blog Archives
Posts from January 2014
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 31 2014 9:30AM

I was told yesterday that some groups in North Alabama have taken up donations for “those in Central Alabama affected by Tuesday’s winter storm.” Ummm ... where those donations at? When do we get our canned corn and beanie weenies? Somebody gotta send us a battery for the Galaxy S3 so we can warm our hands! Spending the night at the station, management brought us a dozen frozen pizzas even though we don’t have an oven. They said we could microwave them. No. We don’t even do that in the event of a famine. It was easier to go through the sales department’s desks for cookies and Crown Royal.


Meteorologists state wide are being EXTREMELY cautious about mentioning a possible winter storm coming to North Alabama next week. One weather model shows snow for Huntsville which means if WE leave Meadowbrook NOW ... we *might* get to Hoover by Thursday. At least we’re getting back to normal from the Dusting of Doom.  Now the fire department can get back to putting out blazes caused by space heaters instead of digging people out of cars.  




Fans are pouring into New Jersey for the Super Bowl. As are heavy security measures -- military personnel, bomb sniffing dogs, fighter jets even boats with radiological detectors. All that? No wonder tickets and commercials are so expensive! Even with the NSA saying “we promise we overheard something about a homegrown terror plot” we all know the only true threat to the area is Governor Chris Christie getting a little gassy after too many hot wings and 7 layer bean dip.



Even with weed legal in Washington and Colorado, fans are taking the Super Bowl personally. Denver radio stations are refusing to play music from any Seattle bands while Seattle stations are refusing to play any John Denver songs ... and, for that matter, haven't been for 20 years.



You likely missed it due to the Dusting of Doom, but President Obama raised the minimum wage from $7.25 to over $10 an hour for federal contractors. How have federal contractors been paying for those infamous $500 hammers if they were only making $7.25 an hour? Many Americans are asking why we should raise the minimum wage for menial laborers. They'll just blow it all on booze, drugs and campaign donations to Democrats. Seriously, $10.10 an hour and you’re STILL gonna get spit in your Big Mac.



Pope Francis has become the first Pope to grace the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine. Pope Francis was thrilled and says, "I'm gonna buy 5-copies for my Mother … Superior."



And a few things you need to know …



On this date in 1958, James Van Allen discovered the radiation belt. Years later, he found the matching shoes.


A court has approved a vote for medicinal marijuana in Florida. And you thought they were driving slow now.


I’ve been so out of the loop -- what the heck is an “iFrankenstein?” It better not require a new charger!



Wow, we're already up to 36 hours since Justin Bieber's last arrest. How time flies! Over 200 thousand people have signed a petition to have him deported back to Canada. His Miami Beach drug sample tested positive for weed, Xanax and Sunny D. I think in this case, the "D" stands for "doucheyness.”



Thanks to recent legalization.. You can now invest in weed on the stock market – it’s a little sketch. You have to buy the stocks from a guy in a van downtown.



China's lunar rover has broken down on the surface of the Moon.  You really can't be surprised; it WAS made in China. Usually when a Chinese "Rover" breaks down, they eat him.



And … I refuse to let China have the last word in a story about space. Today is the official NASA day of remembrance for our fallen astronauts. The crews of Apollo 1 and the shuttles Challenger and Columbia are being honoured along with their families. Personally, I’d add Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov to the list. He may not have been “one of ours” but his brave spirit flying in the face of certain death is the same soul that drives the USA to explore, dare and search for that which is deemed impossible. Well … that used to be our spirit. These days most just whine that their handout wasn’t nice enough for them or how microwaving pizzas is wrong. What has happened to us? Where’s the fire? Where’s the love of a dangerous challenge? Where’s the success when hope was thought lost? Here’s dreaming of a day when these deaths will not be in vain, buried under red tape while we hitch Russian rides to the ISS* and wait for Big Brother to raise our chocolate ration. Let’s learn to be strong again, and let everyone else eat our dust.   

The crews of Apollo 18 will not be honoured today because they screwed themselves up sneaking around the Moon in the first place.**


**That Russia never finished even partially paying for.

**And also because they’re fictional,*** despite what some massive conspiracy loons say online.  

***That we know of. 



by Lisa Mason posted Jan 28 2014 8:03AM
The State of the Union speech is tonight. Maybe President Obama will FINALLY address the Justin Beiber situation. Did you hear Beiber skipped the Grammys to hang out in Panama? There was an awkward moment when he was visiting an orphanage and Angelina Jolie tried to adopt him.

Texas has dropped its mandate for high school students to take Algebra II. For starters, most students thought that meant "Algebra Eleven."

The Post Office is expected to lose $6-billion this year, so they're raising the price of a postage stamp by 3-cents.Those new stamps featuring Ben Affleck as "Batman" really lost them a bundle.  49 cents for a stamp? I told you we should have tied the price of stamps to the President Obama's approval rating!

Turns out the NSA is tracking us via Google maps. Don’t worry – your location info was safe yesterday. I kept the NSA tied up while trying to find the Hoover Medifast location. Meanwhile, Republicans are calling for an end to surveillance of random citizens. At least, that's what the NSA claims John Boehner said in a couple of phone calls last night.

The most recent actor to portray the "Marlboro Man" has died of a smoking-related lung disease. There will be a private funeral later this week, where the eulogy will be delivered by Joe Camel.

If you’re curious, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz was paid $17.2 Million in 2013. That’s almost enough to buy 11 Grande mochas.

Are you a crafter?   Then check your bank records – the craft store Michael’s had a major security breach. Yes, now some hacker knows you spent 600 bucks on yarn and hot glue to make that nifty wreath you saw on Pinterest. At least you’ll be able to make a lovely collage with all your credit refusals and fraud alerts.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1915, the U.S. Coast Guard was established... and since then, not one single inch of our coast has ever been stolen.

On this date in 1547, England's King Henry VIII died and was succeeded by his 9-year-old son Edward the 6th. His first order as King was, "We're having ice cream!" Imagine a 9-year-old ruling an entire country. I guess Joe Biden makes imagining that a whole lot easier.

Also on this date, but in 1861, Kansas became a state. Up until then, Dorothy had no idea where she wasn't.

Sarah McLachlan turns 46 today. She makes animals cry.  She's got such a mournful sound, the first time I bought one of her CD's, I took it back to the store three times before I realized it was supposed to sound that way.

After the Grammys, a lot of people are still asking the question, "Why do the guys in Daft Punk wear helmets?" According to the new rules, if you're helmet comes off, you have to sit out one awards show.   

There’s a lot of buzz surrounding 106-year-old American Edythe Kirchmaier. She’s the world's oldest Facebook user. No word on what influenced her to sign up, but I think we can rule out peer pressure.

Poor Pope Francis! He released 2 white doves from his balcony on Sunday, and they were immediately attacked by predatory birds. Reminds me of the time Pope Paul released a turkey from the balcony, and it promptly crashed into St. Peter's Square. No. Wait. That was an episode of "WKRP in Cincinnati." Nevermind.

34 couples, including many same-sex couples, were married at the Grammy's Sunday night. A same-sex couple was married on a float during the Rose Parade on January 1st. And tonight, during the State of the Union, John McCain and Lindsey Graham will shock the world.

And … turns out that ghost ship infested with cannibal rats … isn’t. The derelict cruise ship*, cut loose by Canada years ago, was reportedly infested with rats, possibly carrying plague and was poised to smash into the British Isles. But now, a salvage hunter says it’s not likely any rats remain on board this B-movie plot. Also, it didn’t sink, as was reported yesterday, but no one knows exactly where the ship went. If only we had some form of object-detection system that uses radio waves to determine the range, altitude, direction, or speed of objects!** I have a cunning plan; 1000 rats, this derelict ship, 20 cases of beer, and Justin Bieber. Reality TV at it's finest. Wait – it get’s even MORE cunning. Throw in Rodman too! And if the ghost rats can read the pirate runes carved on the hull and Johnny Depp can be prevented from showing up … BOOM! It’s a hit!

*Shockingly it’s not in the Carnival or Royal Caribbean fleet.

**We do, it’s called RADAR.
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 27 2014 8:07AM

Tomorrow’s official forecast calls for it to be “HOLY CRAP I CAN”T FEEL MY FREAKING FACE” degrees. Cullman County schools are already delaying classes by two hours on Friday. This proves that if there is a gun, someone will jump it. This latest winter storm is expected to be named Leon by The Weather Channel. And Leon’s getting laaaarger …

Four armored Humvees toting 50 cal guns cleared the way for the kevlar clad torch bearers, let the games begin! The Olympic Torch just made it’s lap through a terror base in Dagestan. If we KNOW it’s a terror base, why are we purposefully running through it? Track and field is a SUMMER sport, hello? Since the Torch journey is a relay, if the guy carrying it before you gets shot … do you HAVE to pick it up and run with it? You can’t buy good press for the Sochi Games, let’s just go back to my idea for an Olympics just for fat people? At the “Olympigs,” there's be chocolate inside the medals and no one has to run through Dagestan.

A potentially deadly norovirus is docked near the US Virgin Islands. Did I say norovirus? I mean to say “Royal Caribbean Cruise ship.” 300 passengers have fallen ill and this is reason #57, Mom and Dad, why I don’t want to go on a cruise. The ship is called the “Elpolorer of the Seas” and true to spirit of the explorers of old, the ship is spreading disease and confusion to exotic locations.

Crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was late for a speech last week because he and several other people were stuck for 45-minutes in an elevator. The people who were stuck with him were very worried. At the half-hour mark, Ford started debating which person he would eat first.

Autopsies are planned for the Toledo firefighters killed over the weekend in an apartment blaze. Cause of death is expected to be fire.

Well if it was Captain van der Decken, he’s gone now. The rat-infested “ghost ship” that was adrift on the high seas is now at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. And yes, as it began to sink, the rats abandoned ship. I believe the name of the vessel was, the U.S.S. Chris Christie.

Speaking of rats deserting a sinking ship, the ratings for "Duck Dynasty" have plummeted. The second episode lost 2 million viewers alone. Maybe this means Duck Dynasty won’t last as long as the Ming.


And a few things you need to know …


On this day in 1951, the U.S. Air Force dropped an atomic bomb on Frenchman Flats in the Nevada desert. Actually, before the bomb, the place was known as "Frenchman Mountain."


It was on this date back in 1662 that the lime was first introduced to America. It wasn't until 250 years that the lemon arrived in the U.S., on a Detroit assembly line. On a related note… the most recent Winter Storm caused a 33 car pile-up outside Detroit. Haven’t seen a pile that big since the automotive bail out. 


I’ve got the plague so I didn’t watch but the only two things I know for sure about the Grammy's last night: Led Zep won album of the year and no one asked Justin Bieber for a ride home.


106-year-old American Edythe Kirchmaier is being heralded as the world's oldest Facebook user. Because if there's one thing a 106-year-old needs to do, it's waste a lot of time on Facebook.


Eli Manning is coaching his brother Peyton on how to deal with the frosty winter conditions in Met Life Stadium, which is Eli's home field. What could Eli POSSIBLY be telling Peyton that he doesn't already know? Be sure to bring a jacket ... never stick your tongue on a goalpost…

And … "Sesame Street" now has the Cookie Monster giving diet tips to kids. C is for CARROT not COOKIE. Whatevs, C is for CRAPPY IDEA. This is about as bad an idea as the time Kermit the Frog barely escaped alive when he wore shorts to a French restaurant.

by Lisa Mason posted Jan 24 2014 7:40AM
The new US Olympic Team’s outfits have been unveiled. They are 100% made in the USA and 100% horrible. Designer Ralph Lauren (who used to know better) unveiled them yesterday, and needs to RE-veil them because good googly moogly they are eye-poppingly ugly. Honestly, our athletes look like they were going to the Olympics and their mothers forced them to wear the sweater that nutty old Aunt May knitted circa 1985.  Wait … perhaps Mr. Lauren is actually onto something here. “Ugly Christmas Sweater” parties have been a large deal in recent years; he’s trying to start an “Ugly Olympic Sweater” craze! It’s also the WINTER Games in RUSSIA. And we’re sending our crew out in homey-patchwork sweaters and a peacoat for the colour-blind? They’ll all freeze to a worst-dressed death! The only saving grace of the god-awful get-up is that the Ralph Lauren polo pony logo is larger than the American Flag so perhaps our athletes can claim they’re from the UK where snappy dressers are rarer than a good dentist.

Winter Storm Kronos is now causing headaches in Texas and Louisiana. We can soon look forward to names for when ever it rains.

I just found out you can buy an Official Ugly USA Olympic Sweater of your own online for $595! For the same price, you can probably buy 595 of them for $1 each in yard sales once the games are over.

CNN has laid off dozens of it’s journalists. CNN had journalists? Since when?

Honestly, as if the threat of terrorism in Sochi wasn’t enough, Team USA has to prance around looking like they got dressed in the dark.  Sorry, I seem to have a deep-set loathing for those outfits. It WAS very sweet, however, of the Cracker Barrel gift shop to donate the fleece pants.

Today is one of the biggest tech anniversaries ever – this day back in 1984, Apple introduced their Macintosh personal computer. If you’d bought their stock along with of one of those computers, you’d be filthy rich.

In order to stop obsessing over the US Olympic Team’s outfits that make one want to “Ralph,” I Googled what the Norwegian curling team is wearing. Apparently they stole their clothes from “One Direction.”

New England quarterback Tom Brady says he has no plans to watch the Super Bowl Game. Does anyone? I thought we were there for the commercials!

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1922 the "Eskimo Pie" was patented. Of course, the toughest part about making them is getting fresh Eskimo.

On this date in 1935, beer was first served in cans in Richmond, Virginia. Yeah, I don't know why it isn't a holiday, either.

Reports out of Great Britain say Prince Charles and Camilla have already split up. Word is the last straw came at the breakfast table when Prince Charles tried to talk to Camilla and she wouldn't even remove the bucket of oats from her face. An anonymous source inside Buckingham Palace says the couple has been fighting so much during meals; relatives now call tea-time the “Thrilla with Camilla."

The cable news networks had wall-to-wall coverage of the Justin Bieber arrest Thursday morning. Gov. Chris Christie and the NSA sent Beiber a “thank you” fruit basket for getting them off the headlines.

Governor Robert Bentley has declared a State of Emergency for all counties in Alabama due to a threatening shortage of propane gas.  A propane shortage? In WINTER? Shocking! Oh I see ... the nation is running out of Velveeta but THAT’S not an emergency!  Bentley will now be able to enact various precautionary measures, including the state's price gouging law.  (PSST --some places are already gouging). But don't worry; you can get your propane and propane accessories at Strickland Propane. Ask for Hank. Also, I can fix this problem:
Dear Propane manufacturers. Please make more propane. TIA, Lisa

Katy Perry told GQ magazine "prayed to God" for a pair of “great big boobs," and lo and behold, she got them ... the Obama/Biden ticket was elected twice! To she be fair, in this case, the right boob IS a little bigger than the left.

And … If you haven’t yet seen it -- The cast of "The Wolf of Wall Street" used the F-Word a record 506-times. Word is they're thinking of making a sequel called "F-Troop."
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 23 2014 7:55AM
Winter Storm Janus continues to wreak icy havoc up north. Janus is a pain in the anus. The “named” storm craze is bugging people so much the National Weather Service released a statement saying the naming of winter storms is NOT done by them; it’s an invention of The Weather Channel. Remember The Weather Channel? That’s the station that shows nothing but 24 hour reruns of Storm Truckers and Ice Badgers or whatever. I’m told that they used to show nothing but weather, but I think that’s an urban legend. What’s next? Naming GOOD weather days? “Stay tuned for more on SUNNY DAY MIRANDA after these home videos from Jim Cantore.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin reiterated this week that gays, lesbians and the transgendered will all be welcome to come to the Sochi Winter Olympics. They can't LEAVE, but they can come. A lot of US athletes are expressing hesitation about the upcoming games thanks to all the terror concerns. Well of course! Who picked Sochi anyway? We’re all the good cities busy? Why do the Olympics need to be held beyond Thunderdome?

There’s a new trend starting in groceries: stores that purposefully sell expired food. I thought we already had such stores, as in the Homewood Food World and the Aldi.

John Kerry has solved the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Speaking at the peace talks in Switzerland, Kerry effectively bored representatives from the Assad regime and rebels into a coma. Iran wasn’t invited to the talks because they’re hostile jerks. Because if you want to give peace a chance, it’s always classy not to invite the party with whom you have a problem. Either way, someone’s gonna get shanked with a cocktail fork before these talks end.

At least they’ll know plenty of people in jail… three ex-Jefferson County tag clerks are now waiting in a long line for an appeal. They were busted taking money from people to let them move to the front of long car tag lines. I wonder what sort of bribe they could offer Dr Meat in the next cell in order to cut in line in the prison shower?
Iran has a new tourism board. They’re even urging Americans to come.  We can’t LEAVE, but we can come. One of the tourist hotspots listed in “What’s On Iran” is the opportunity to visit other Americans currently held in Tehran’s filthy dungeons. Did I say “filthy dungeons?” Oops! I meant to say “happy fun dungeons.”

A 57 year old man broke his leg in a snowmobile accident in Maine and crawled 2 and a half miles through freezing temperatures to get help. It took him 6 hours. He’s making a full recovery.* This breaks the Guinness record for crawling on your hands and knees set by President Obama during his infamous European Apology Tour.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1789, Georgetown University was established. It was a respected institution for almost two centuries when the movie "The Exorcist" was filmed there. Then heads really turned.

On this date in 1845, Congress decided national elections would be held on the first Tuesday in November. It was likely to make sure they didn't conflict with any football games.

Justin Beiber’s been arrested! Apparently, someone finally made it a crime to be a giant douche! Word is Justin also blew $75,000 at a Miami strip club this week. Most of that money was to bribe the bouncer to let a 19 year old into the club.

An absolutely livid Quentin Tarantino is shelving his latest movie, "The Hateful Eight," because somebody leaked the script. As you might imagine, there were plenty of F-Words used and Tarantino didn't make a lot of sense… and that was just the script.

In a GQ interview, Katy Perry says she used to pray for big breasts and got them! I guess "world peace" never crossed her mind. Tim Tebow prayed to God to be a great NFL quarterback while Katy prayed for a bigger cup size. I guess we know which team God's on. How come Katy Perry can talk to GQ about God and breasts, and not get into trouble, but that duck guy talks to GQ about God and anuses, and gets suspended from his show? And why do we care?
A study says the human brain can process an image in as little as 13 milliseconds. To give you an idea how fast that is, it's even faster than the time it takes for the guy behind you to honk his horn the instant the light turns green.

* I would not. They’d find my frozen body next to the wrecked snowmobile.**
** Plus I’d never be in Maine in winter.  

by Lisa Mason posted Jan 22 2014 7:52AM
Winter Storm Janus is upon us! It’s dumping snow on places we are not, but it’s freakishly cold here. The City of Birmingham is opening a warming station to keep the homeless from, you know, dying outside. In order to care for those in need, organizers are asking for donations of bottled water and canned goods.  Why is it we eat milk and bread for snow, but only water and creamed corn for extreme cold?
The NFL is considering a new scoring system which would eliminate the "extra point" which has become too "automatic." Not as automatic as the idiotic post-game rant, but close. The proposal was criticized by women who've never been married. Apparently, they love those place holders because it's the only chance they ever get to see a guy down on one knee.  The proposed change would automatically award 7 points for a touchdown, and then allow teams to go for an 8th point by running or passing, but if that fails, subtracting 1 point from the 7. What, I'm supposed to be a math major now? Of course, most teams would just take the automatic 7 points and then opt to kick off. The time saved by the skipped extra point would be filled with an extra TV commercial. 
Russian security forces are on the lookout for 3 "Black Widow" terrorists, who have breached security at the Sochi Winter Olympics, and who are bent on creating havoc. 2 of the Black Widows are Chechen rebels, the 3rd is Dennis Rodman in his wedding dress.

The former governor of West Virginia and his wife stand accused of corruption. They were cited for collecting over 100 thousand dollars in gifts and bribes, which is far lower than the federally mandated bribe standard. This couple is in hot, tainted water now!  

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1881, an ancient Egyptian obelisk known was "Cleopatra's Needle" is erected in New York's Central Park. It was far from the last needle ever found there.   

On this date in 1840, British settlers arrived in New Zealand and announced, "OK, everyone, now speak in an accent like THIS!"
Miley Cyrus will appear later this month on the MTV all-acoustic show, "Unplugged." Hey, we've seen her undressed, unhinged and uncouth, why not "Unplugged?"

An 18-year-old Florida high school senior who was expelled for doing gay porn to help pay his family's bills has been allowed back in school. The young man said he refused to take a job at Taco Bell because he wanted to maintain his dignity.

We have confirmation -- Johnny Depp is indeed engaged to Amber Heard. For the scorekeepers at home, he's 50, she's 27. It’s a marriage made in Creepytown.

Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. Like you care.

And … forget the chips and beer; you’ll a nice aperitif for this Super Bowl. Opera singer Renee Fleming will sing the National Anthem, the first opera star ever to perform at the game. If you’re not familiar with that art form, “Opera” is what happens when a tenor gets stabbed in the back and sings instead of bleeding out. Do you know the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist.
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 21 2014 7:15AM

Federal offices in DC are closed today; let’s see if anyone notices a difference. They’re panicking ahead of a snowstorm that’s coming tonight.  Oh sure, they can make a snap decision when it concerns a day off.

With the threat of terrorism is so high; The Sochi Games could be the first Olympics ever where the opening ceremonies consists of the athletes of 100's of nations running serpentine into the stadium with their heads down. To be safe, maybe we should just play the opening ceremonies in reverse for the closing ceremonies. Apparently NBC Olympics host Bob Costas inferred that due to the threat of terrorism; he won't be "doing any sightseeing" at the Sochi Winter Games.   Too bad he'll have to miss the World's Largest Ball of Murdered Newspaper Reporters or the Polonium Palace.  


The two teams in the Superbowl are from states that legalized marijuana. Coincidence? Actually ... yes. Yes it is.  Did you hear the decibel level in the Seahawk's stadium on Sunday? The #1 question in Seattle these days is: "What?" Experts say the fans were actually louder than the voices in Dennis Rodman's head. I already have my seats for the Super Bowl -- same couch I was sitting on for the playoffs. I can’t wait to see the Seattle Sensimilla-Hawks versus the Denver Buds. 


Russian security forces are looking for a "Black Widow" female suicide bomber. This woman is believed to have already breached the security ring of the Olympic Games. Wanted posters describe the her as having a limp in her right leg, a left arm that does not bend at the elbow and a 4-inch scar on her cheek. Well, I can understand how she slipped through security. You just can't go around profiling all the women with gimpy right legs, non-bending left elbows and 4-inch scars on their cheeks. That would be totally unfair!

I don't want to say Coach Bill Belichick is still angry about the Patriots’ loss to the Broncos, but he just imported tap-water from West Virginia and sent it to Wes Welker’s house.


Political protests WILL be allowed at the Sochi Olympics. You just have to file an application to protest in pre-approved zones, same way it was handled at the 2008 Beijing Games. The Chinese government received 77 applications, yet NONE were approved! AS a bonus, all applicants were arrested. Oddly, these activists really could have made something of their lives if they HADN’T applied themselves.


And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1793, France's King Louis the 16th was separated from his head. That was back when heads of state didn't necessarily retire with their heads.  

On this date in 1998, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky admitted on tape that she had... well, let's put it this way: she said Hillary may be the first lady, but she wasn't the last.  

And another “on this date” because I’ve got nothing today. In 1924, Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin died of a stroke. At first, they thought he was just showing support for the cause. "You're so red Vladamir ... uh, Vladamir?"

The political vendetta scandal swirling around Gov. Christie just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Today, Christie suggested giving the scandal gastric bypass surgery.

Almost nobody watched, but the SAG Awards were held over the weekend. It’s the one day a year an actress wants you to think of her when you hear SAG.

And … are you ready to get your Force on? J.J. Abrams says the script for the next "Star Wars" movie is done! Know what Jedi use to view their PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.  

by Lisa Mason posted Jan 20 2014 6:44AM
Don’t check the mail, it’s not coming. Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day! Don’t forget to honour Dr. King by going on Facebook and just copy/pasting something he said.

The Superbowl-bound Denver Broncos are riding high today! Granted, they’re riding high EVERY day because weed is legal in Colorado.

People living in Mark’s Village will soon be moved by the Housing Authority. The Gate City apartments were the site of last month’s deadly explosion that left surviving residents complaining about the dangerous living conditions. NOW residents are complaining that they could be moved someplace even worse, like the Downtown DMV.

Breaking news this morning from the State Department. John Kerry has announced a major breakthrough in negotiations, with both sides agreeing to a 2-party solution where each faction recognizes the other side's right to exist. Now, we just have to see if Justin Bieber and his neighbor can make it work.

The former Homewood pastor accused of murdering his wife, is out of jail. 53 year-old Richard Shahan bonded out Friday but had to surrender his passport, must wear an electronic monitoring device and is required to live with his mother in her Homewood apartment. His mom is less than thrilled; as her son’s roommates tend to be on the unlucky side.

Turns out that the NSA has been collecting roughly 200 million text messages every day! And those are just the ones from movie theaters! I'm texting myself things like "the otter is on the red chair"  and “the raven flies at midnight” over and over, just so the NSA has to sort me out.
A Home Depot worker quick reflexes have gone viral. Christopher Strickland, working at a South Anchorage store, spotted a baby about to fall out of a shopping cart. He rushed forward and grabbed the girl in mid air. I don’t know what’s more amazing – that there is video evidence of someone actually working in a Home Depot or that the guy hasn’t been signed by the Broncos.  
And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1892, the very first basketball game was played. The rules of the game were still being figured out and it was decided in the second game, they wouldn't allow guns.

In 1965, the Wisconsin Cheese Foundation started making "the world's largest cheese;" a block weighing 34,591 pounds. The celebration was short-lived, when the cheese was attacked by a 32-ton mouse.

Some jewelers are now selling "conflict free" diamond engagement rings. Kobe Bryant wishes those had been around when he got married.

First there was Google Glass, now they're working on Google Contact lenses. Hopefully, they'll draw a line before they get to Google Suppositories.

The Vatican said last week they're cutting the red-tape on the sainthood application process, which can take several years and end up costing over $1 million out-of-pocket. Apparently, sainthood is becoming the Vatican's version of ObamaCare.
With Russell Johnson, the Professor from "Gilligan's Island" dead, the only living cast members are Ginger and Mary Ann. Never thought I'd live to see the day that "Ginger or Mary Ann?" was a "Celebrity Death Pool" question.
And ... A new British study from Oxford University says antibiotic resistant strains of STD’s could soon become a worldwide epidemic. Being a British study, it was introduced by Julie Andrews singing, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Gonorrhea?" While the rest of us don’t want to die from STD super-strains, it’s nice to know that
John Mayer and Katy Perry created something together that will last forever.
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 17 2014 6:38AM
Look for news to return Monday. I'd offer an excuse like, "my dog ate my blog" but you probably wouldn't believe me ... unless you know my dog. 
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 16 2014 8:05AM
Some US Air Force nuclear officials are in trouble for cheating on their recertification exams. How hard is it to remember, “Turn the key when Carl turns his, then call home?” Officers were also busted texting each other test answers. According to what the NSA overheard, the instructions for a missile launch are “Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.”

An investigation says the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi was “likely preventable.” If only we had a government agency that would spy on allies and collect Americans’’ phone records. Especially phone records that involve people screaming, “Help we’re under attack!”  

A “murderabilia” site is auctioning off personal items belonging to America’s most-hated mom, Casey Anthony. Shoes and pants worn by Anthony will be on the block, though there’s no word if her private collection of duct-tape and chloroform is also for sale.

Defending his scandals,  New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie says he wants Americans to understand that he's not mean and that he's "not a bully." In fact, Christie says his only natural enemy is flimsy wicker furniture. I really don't see the big deal about Christie closing down a couple of traffic lanes. Before his gastric bypass surgery; nobody complained when 3-of his arteries were blocked.

Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem to grasp the criticism he’s getting from US politicians about his policies on homosexuality. Mr. Putin states that President Ronald Reagan did not say, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall and replace it with a living area complete with a tray ceiling, French doors that open to a covered terrace, Chai/latte colored sofas, and a Moroccan-style chandelier that just screams ‘I’m fabulous.’" Hmmm.

President Obama will meet soon with Pope Francis. No word if Obama is still angry with Francis's papal campaign slogan, "Yes We VatiCAN!" Pope Francis says he'll hear the president’s confession, but to save time; he could use an itemized list of all the broken ObamaCare promises in advance and those Benghazi emails.

A Cullman couple was arrested after two spent meth labs and drug paraphernalia were found in their residence during a welfare check. 49-year-old Julia Anna Speegle told agents she didn’t know she could get arrested for drugs during a call about a child*, or she would have hidden everything. Goes to show the meth life-style isn’t as action packed as episodes of “Breaking Bad” led you to believe.

Berry Middle School is again open today. It was shut down yesterday due to a water leak and a terrible chemical stench. How bad was it? The school smelled SO bad, it made Right Guard turn left, Secret tell it all and Speed Stick slow down.
The Great Envelope Caper isn’t yet cracked in Downtown Birmingham, but cops have a lead. Police have released surveillance video of a woman depositing documents after banking hours … into an after-hours deposit box. Yes, we call the bomb squad when a transient leaves her personal information at a bank.

Mercedes-Benz in Vance opened its factory doors yesterday, allowing journalists from around the world to get a sneak peek at its new 2015 C-Class. Ich bin ein Journalist und sie hat MICH nicht einladen. Aber ich bin nicht aufgeregt. OK. Ich BIN aufgeregt.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1920, the U.S. went dry as the 18th amendment went into effect and prohibition became law. From 3-6 every afternoon, most bars held "Unhappy Hours." 

On this date in 1547, Ivan the Terrible was crowned Czar of Russia. He beat out his brother, Uri the Pretty Bad, Too, But Not As Bad As Ivan. Uri, if you didn’t know,  was the inspiration for the movie, "A Czar is Scorned."

The Oscar nominations are out!  Up for Best Actor: my salesguy who denied eating a coworker’s lunch out of the fridge. Epic acting job that.**

A new study claims that a little caffeine can boost your memory. As much as you’ve had today-- you should remember your own birth.   .

With rumors that the Galaxy S5 could be out in March, now we're hearing that the iPhone 6 will be out by May. That sound you hear is the phone in your hand becoming obsolete.  

There's a new app out that will notify your boss for you that you're quitting. Hopefully you'll get that before your boss uses his new app that automatically fires you.

And … After police pulled Flavor Flav over for speeding, they discovered he already had 16-suspensions on his driver's license. Now Flavor Flav won't just be wearing a clock, he could be doing time. "Clocking" Flavor Flav? Isn't that redundant?
*She did
**Everyone knows you did it. 
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