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Posts from February 2014
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 28 2014 6:59AM

 

Ukraine’s acting interior minister posted on Facebook that Russian militia forces are massing for an occupation. Let’s see … troops just seized two airports and are poised on the border. Do I call for help or update my Facebook status?  Russian President Vladimir Putin denies that he’s prepping to invade, saying Moscow is just going to help Ukraine. Yeah, help them right back into being Russian property again.  

 

If you missed it, North Korea fired 4 missiles into the sea yesterday. Hitting the ocean; there's a tough target.  

 

No more ranting about Arizona! Now gay people can go confidently into a bar in Phoenix, and be certain they'll be served cocktails. They may be Molotov cocktails, but they'll get them.

 

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences just announced that today is the last day a celebrity can die and still make it into Sunday Nites Oscars "In Memoriam" segment. So, if you're not dead by midnight, you might as well hang around until next year, because you're not getting into the show. I mean, why can't everybody be totally professional and give 2-weeks notice like Philip Seymour Hoffman?

 

State officials in Nebraska have reopened a stretch of Interstate 80 that they closed yesterday to allow the U.S. Air Force to search for an undisclosed amount of lost ammunition. The Air Force says they found the stuff, thank goodness! Usually when the Obama administration loses ammo, coroners end up finding it inside of U.S. Border Patrol Agents.

 

And a few things you need to know …

 

On this date in 1849, a ship arrived in San Francisco, carrying the first gold seekers, they were the original 49ers and while some found gold, they never once made the playoffs.

 

Sony has announced a waterproof tablet and cellphone. Now that guy who talks behind you in the movie theater can meet you in the pool!

 

After doing rain dances, it looks now like it will finally rain hard today and tomorrow in L.A., but the Oscars should be dry Sunday night. Although, preachers in Arizona are predicting scattered rivers of blood, periods of dense plagues, and a 75% chance of locusts.

 

It was weird watching Ben Affleck testifying live before Congress on Wednesday. Usually, you have to WAIT to watch Ben go straight to video.

 

And … Since my dog watches me write the news every day, she wanted to try her paw at it. So here’s a special story from LMN reporter Hera Mason!  Lhsgh[ogjmsd;lgm;ksd;gjgg/mvv Sdlsdjgsd;g WOOF.

by Lisa Mason posted Feb 27 2014 7:52AM
 
With more troops massing on the boarder, pro-Russian forces have seized the parliamentary building in the Crimean region of Ukraine. History repeats itself so by this afternoon, it could be "The Ukraine" again.  
 
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoes the bill derided by critics as a license to discriminate against gays in the name of religion. Thank Science that’s over! Can we please start discriminating against people just because they’re jerks? “YOU DON’T LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M GAY!” “No, I don’t like you because you’re an ass.” And what a shame it would be to besmirch anyone’s religious beliefs since religion has never ever been behind discrimination and no wars have ever been fought in its name.  Proponents of the bill say it’s a huge blow to those with strong religious beliefs, I can see that. If I own a Christian bakery, why would you even want me to make your Antichrist-Cake* knowing that I’d be uncomfortable and then try to sue me because I refused? Just find another baker and move on. We can just all either stop believing** we are precious delicate snowflakes who deserve special treatment because we do a thing, or we can start labeling everything so we know who is what. Didn’t the Sneeches try the latter? Or was it the Nazi’s? I get them confused.   
 
Pope Emeritus Benedict says he was not forced from the Papacy, God told him if he left, he’d get signed by the Seattle Seahawks. Vatican sources are strenuously denying that Pope Benedict’s departure had anything to do with financial or child sex scandals. So they're saying the problems were neither monetary nor monastery?
 
North Korea has fired 4 missiles into the sea. Other nations call it a massive military failure but you haven’t seen Aquaman or Sponge Bob today have you? Hmmm? Of course the missiles failed, they were made in Korea! North Korea is like that drunk guy at a party: everyone’s trying to calm him down but he’s convinced he needs to fight someone. I tried to download a new World Atlas yesterday but there aren’t any for 2014 yet, cartographers are waiting to see if they need to include South Korea.  
 
I’ve realized that as someone who doesn’t care what Arizona does, I sure write a lot about it.  Sorry.
 
Ben Affleck was in Washington D.C. yesterday testifying before Congress about Congo. I liked the movie OK, but the book was better. Is Congress trying to stop the remake or something? 
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1813, congress approved the use of steamboats to transport mail. They had to -- it was the slowest form of transportation available at the time. After several weeks, the practice was abandoned after mail began arriving too fast.
 
On this date in 1801, Washington, DC was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress. Which partially explains why it is so jacked up.
 
A woman in New York City gave birth to a healthy baby girl this week in the middle of a busy crosswalk. There was an awkward moment when Madonna and Angelina Jolie both said, "That baby's on the ground! Dibbs!” So the "5-second rule" applies for babies as well.
 
China has banned school sports and cookouts because of thick poisonous smog. They're now counting going to the restroom as exercise.
 
NASA says they now know exactly why a spacesuit filled up with water during a spacewalk last year, nearly drowning an Italian astronaut. Apparently, the suit was made by the same people who made Team USA's speed-skating uniforms.
And in other NASA news, the Kepler mission announced the discovery of 715 new planets!  It’s too early to tell which one Justin Beiber came from, but there’s room enough for at least 40 million Starbucks franchises.
 
And … The federal government says that Americans waste a third of the food they buy. Which means two thirds of it goes to waist. BOOM!
 
*An “Antichrist-Cake” is a gluten free cake-like object with no icing and uses cruelty-free carob instead of cocoa.
 
** The band Journey would disapprove.***
*** Good. 
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 26 2014 7:57AM
I don’t understand the Freak Out Time going on in Arizona. If you’re a business owner, why would you throw your religious beliefs into the face of a stranger? “I WON’T TAKE YOUR WEDDING PICTURES BECAUSE YOU’RE A GAY AND MY GOD OF CHOICE SAYS THAT’S WRONG.” And why would you throw your sexual orientation into the face of a stranger? “I WANNA CAKE AND I’M GAY.” Why can’t everyone just go back to the way sane people conduct business? If you don’t like someone or something, just tell them you’re booked solid that day and can’t possibly squeeze them in. You’ll stay out of the headlines/court that way or manage not to define yourself solely by your sexual choices. There’s an entire tribe in the Amazon whose term for “buzz off” translates to “Sorry, I’ve got nothing but meetings all week and I'm swamped. I can’t possibly do whatever it is you’re asking.”
 
I’m sorry I missed this one. Ragnarock. Last Saturday, the world was supposed to come to an end, according to ancient Vikings. Modern Vikings know that happens around the 3rd week of October.
 
The Trussville Municipal Court and the Police Department are offering amnesty for outstanding warrants, but it is TODAY ONLY from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Remember: crime doesn’t pay … nearly as well as politics.
 
Seriously, the whole Arizona thing is ridiculous. Since the proposed bill goes beyond the obvious like weddings or photos; how will business owners even know they might be providing products or services to a gay person? “Hi, I’d like to order some flowers.” “Are you gay?” “No.” “Are you sure?” “Yep.” “PROVE IT!” Hmmmm. Or the reverse: “I can’t sell you any flowers today.” “Is it because I’m gay?” “No.” “PROVE IT!” Soon we’ll all have to start wearing badges pinned to our jackets displaying our ethnicity/sexual preference/ideology to make sure-- Heeeeey wait a second… didn’t somebody else already do that?
 
Ben Bernanke, who stepped down last month after eight years as chairman of the Federal Reserve, is writing a book. If it's about the economy, I don't see how it could have a very good ending.
 
 
President Obama says 4 million people have now successfully signed up for Obamacare. That’s up from the 7 million number he stated months ago.
 
And what happens if I go in to buy a cake for a friend who is gay? Is that also illegal in Arizona? Like buying beer for someone under 21?
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1960, home fallout shelter kits went on the market in New York for $105. Nothing says protection from radiation like $105.
 
On this date in 1919, congress approved the money to make the Grand Canyon a national park. It wasn't the last time they put federal tax dollars towards a big hole.

Why would you even want to patronize the business of someone who doesn’t even view you as having human rights? This is why we have social media. Just post “Chuck’s Salon in Yakkayakkaville refused to serve me because I’m (insert whatever).” Boom. Done. There’s no vengeance like calling someone out on Twitter. That’ll show THEM!
 
Birmingham is a city on the Move! We’re about to have a new tourist attraction – the world’s largest outdoor Pepsi sign. It’s going Downtown over that antique scrolling sign. City leaders say the sign will be a cool addition to Birmingham’s Many Wonders. Yepper! We’ll rank right up there with the world’s largest ball of twine and the Banana Palace.
 
Samsung has unveiled its newest Galaxy phone, the S5. They say it will be available as soon as you feel your S4 is no longer good enough.
 
And … The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistic says the average American spends 5 hours and 35 minutes on LEISURE every day.  “Leisure time” is defined as “time spent away from business, work, and domestic chores. It also excludes time spent on necessary activities such as sleeping or bathing.” I had to look it up. FIVE AND A HALF HOURS A DAY? How?! I spend  5 1/2 hours just answering stupid questions! And complaining about Arizona. Now excuse me, I've got nothing but meetings all week and I'm swamped. 

 
Filed Under :
People : Ben BernankeObama
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 25 2014 7:39AM
 
I'm going to miss Harold Ramis a lot more than I do Sochi.  The Winter Olympic torch has been officially passed on from Sochi, to Pyeongchang, South Korea, for the 2018 winter games. At least they have no problem with stray dogs there ... because they’re delicious. South Korea is, however, concerned that the American team will still be there 64-years later.
 
While Vlad Putin takes a creepy “wait and see” approach to the unrest in Ukraine, President Obama says the US is prepared to help them regain economic stability. Hey! Maybe if we stage a riot he’ll send an economic aid package to America! Obama told those involved in the unrest “don’t make me mention that I’ll draw a red line. Seriously, don’t make me mention a red line again. You don’t wanna face the red line that may or may not exist!” Meanwhile, riot police are apologizing for dozens of deaths in Kiev. They are very very sorry … that they got caught on video while doing it.
 
ESPN host Keith Olbermann is still sidelined with the shingles. I'm glad doctor's determined that Keith's illness came from natural causes, because otherwise, the list of suspects would include just about everybody.
 
Al Gore seems to have put on quite a bit of weight. I don't know if Al can't control his appetite, or if he just wants to provide the planet with shade. Seriously, it looks as if he fell into an Inconvenient Buffet at Golden Corral and forgot to come up for air.
 
Moviephone is hanging up after 25 years. This was still a thing? The 3 people who still call the 777-FILM number to find a movie will be sooo disappointed. Moviephone was owned by AOL. This was still a thing? The 3 people who still use that service will be sooo disappointed.
 
A mysterious white powder mailed to the offices of the Church of the Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City turned out not to pose a threat. Mormon Church officials say they hadn't seen that much white dust since Mitt Romney pried open his change purse to give a nickel to a beggar.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1836, Samuel Colt patented the revolver. He was a real father of a gun!"
 
On this date in 1793, President Washington held his first cabinet meeting. They decided on a light oak for the office and white for the kitchen.
 
People are still talking about that spelling bee that lasted over 60 rounds before the organizers ran out of words for the kids to spell. In my opinion, the people who SHOULD be talking about it are on the Geneva Convention because that is inhumane torture right there.
 
Alec Baldwin says he's lived in the public life for 30 years and he's done with it. We’re hoping he’s serious THIS time and that he’s taking his family with him.
 
San Diego State University running back Adam Muema left the NFL Combine on Sunday because God told him that if he left, he would be signed by the Seattle Seahawks, and he always obeys God. Adam, you do realize playing in the NFL means working on Sundays, right?
 
Hyundai has created a crappy car, and I want one! It looks great and it runs on poop. I know where I can get plenty of that for free; I’ll just walk through the sales department and ask a question about my talent fees ‘cause it was getting deep over there yesterday. The 2015 Tucson will only be released in California to start, which is a waste. The only industry growing in Cally is the crime rate in Oakland.  
 
A norovirus has sickened about 120 people on board a Holland America cruise ship. The cruise industry – if they do it right – could have the solution to America’s obesity problem! Just make everyone take a 3 day cruise, everyone catches a norovirus and loses ten pounds. We'll be the sexiest country on earth!
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 24 2014 7:24AM
Time to get out and hit those “After Olympics” sales!

The Sochi winter Olympics are history – along with them: jokes about tainted tap water, crumbling infrastructure, pink-eye, feral animals and corruption. Now, the US and Russia can stop competing in the games and get back to interfering in Ukraine. Protestors there have toppled a statue of Lenin, hitting it with hammers. I would have taken out the Paul McCartney one first. I still can’t believe Ukraine’s now-missing president once planned to open the Chernobyl site to tourists. It’s like Disney World, but the 6 foot mouse is real. I used to work with a guy from Kiev. He took an eye test, the last line read “C Z W  I X T A C Z.” Not only could he read it, it was his last name.

 
Capital One is being questioned about language in their customer contracts that says the company may contact them with a personal visit. Fall far enough behind on your bill and they send out the Vikings. Or worse: Alec Baldwin.

 
Ted Nugent is catching heat because he apologized for calling President Obama a “subhuman mongrel.” Nugent admitted he crossed the line. Ted probably should have seen the line he was crossing. I mean, he was holding a big, burning cross at the time. I'm not going to make up my mind on this one until I hear what Eddie Money has to say about it.
 

A new study by the Mayo clinic says the average obese woman in the U.S. gets only 1-hour of vigorous exercise per year. And the only reason those obese women participated in the study is because they thought there was some mayo in it for them.  
 

A $600-million-dollar downtown Miami construction project is temporarily on hold because excavators at the worksite  discovered an ancient Native American city on the property. The developers want to go on with the project because they see it as a big moneymaker, and because they haven't seen "Poltergeist."

 
And a few things you need to know …

 
On this date in 1903 the United States acquired a naval station at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cuban officials said negotiating the contract was torture. Hmmmmm. Hey wait.

 
On this date in 1981, Buckingham Palace announced the engagement of Prince Charles to Lady Diana. If there was ever a time for a Hot Tub Time Machine, this was it. Somebody go back and warn her!
 

Some school boards in the Northeast are increasing class time by shortening recess by 15-minutes. It's all part of the "No Child Ever Gets Up From His Behind" law.
 

First it was Bob Costas with pinkeye, now ESPN host Keith Olbermann has been off the air several days with a bad case of the shingles. Is it possible Rush Limbaugh has developed a chemical weapon that attacks only liberal sports broadcasters?
 

A new wine produced by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got rave reviews and sold out almost immediately. No wonder they adopt so many kids; they need the forced child labor.
 

Samsung is unveiling its Galaxy S5 today. That sound you hear is your phone becoming obsolete.

 
A Florida man who is 101-years old is running for Congress. The guy is serious, and he's very interesting. He still has his original phone number. It's "3." Seriously, this guy is so old “Jurassic Park” brought back fond memories. His memory is in black and white. He’s so old he knew Burger King back when he was just a prince. BOOM. He’s got an autographed copy of the Bible. We’re talking old. One time he walked into an antique store and they kept him. Ba-dum tssss!

 
And … A new version of "Celebrity Poker" is being shopped around Hollywood. This one's called "Celebrity Adoption Poker." What in the world? "I see your African peasant boy and raise you a set of Romanian twins." "Celebrity Adoption Poker" may take up the time slot on the Game Show network currently held by "Little Orphan Ante."
 
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 21 2014 7:02AM
Just to clear things up: it is Ukraine, not "the Ukraine." It stopped being "the Ukraine" when Ukraine left the Soviet Bloc. One day maybe The Walgreens and The Wal-Marts will follow suit. Anyway, the situation in Ukraine is deteriorating. No one feels safe in the pure chaos – it’s a lot like staying in a hotel in Sochi.

It's nice seeing Bob Costas back at work. He can't see us, but it's nice seeing him. The Canadian Women's Ice Hockey team beat team U.S.A in overtime to win the Gold Medal. President Barack Obama called Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to offer his congratulations, and also to ask, "What the heck is hockey?" Once, while visiting Canada, President Obama confessed to his hosts that he'd never actually seen a hockey game. The Canadians replied "Don't worry about it, Mr. President. We've never actually seen a black guy." And technically they still haven’t.

Meanwhile, the guy in charge of the electronic rings that malfunctioned in the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics says that they're working fine and are ready to go for the closing ceremony. He'd bet his life on it! Sadly, there’s probably more truth to that than he'd like.

Remember the snake-handling pastor who died last week of a snake bite? The most-fervent followers of Jamie Coots held a special memorial service for him. There were no survivors.

And a few things you need to know …

Author Mary Shelly was born way back in 1851. She wrote "Frankenstein," but sadly, he never wrote back.

On this date in 1858, the very first electric burglar alarm was installed. Never once did an electric burglar break-in.

A study says that air pollution may increase the risk of schizophrenia. However, 60% of the voices in my head disagree.

An "American Idol" lawsuit claims Sony was systematically robbing Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, and Carrie Underwood of millions of dollars. Corruption in the music industry? I’m shocked, SHOCKED!

An Oregon company has come out with an Edward Snowden action figure. You pull the string and it threatens to make public what you really think about your brother-in-law.

The Distilled Spirits Council says global sales for Kentucky bourbon and Tennessee whiskey have caused exports to spike beyond $1-billion for the first time ever! Sales in some foreign countries have topped 475%. Apparently, President Obama is following through on Bill Clinton's plan to get the rest of the world drunk and take advantage of it.

And ... A frightenly life-like wax figure of Justin Bieber at the New York Madame Tussauds had to be removed because hormone-crazed patrons were relentlessly fondling it. The fondlers won't be punished; they'll just be relocated to another parish. Most patrons didn’t know the display was purposely removed, they just assumed the wax Beiber got arrested. Actually, you can't blame the museum patrons for fondling the wax Justin Bieber. It's much more likable than the real Justin Bieber.
 
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 20 2014 7:38AM
I don’t think “truce” means what they think it means. Moments after agreeing to a cease fire, shots were fired in the Ukraine. They’re doing “cease-fire” wring. Military and police are now firing water cannons at protesters. And in a really low blow; it's Sochi water.
 
Do you dream of the day you’ll be able to walk through airport security with your shoes on? Keep dreaming. Even though the world's most dangerous terror networks are broke, the Department of Homeland Security says there’s a new terror threat from shoe bombs. The threat is believed credible because Al Qaeda and the Taliban both just signed big endorsement deals with Nike.
 
“The bombs at night: Blow big and bright! (CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP) Deep in the heaaaaart of Texas.” The FBI has uncovered a terror compound and training ground about three hours outside of Austin. The enclave in Texas is one of 22 such compounds owned by the group, Muslims of the Americas. Hold up. We can’t have a phone conversation without the NSA listening in, but these guys get to have terror training camps? The FBI’s known about the compounds for about 12 years, but still considers the Tea Party a bigger threat.
 
After the World Clown Association announced they were losing members, the World Mime Association says they're down to only 6 working mimes because everybody else is trapped in an invisible box. To be perfectly honest, the World Mime Association didn't actually SAY they were down to 6-mimes. They mimed it. And a mime is a terrible thing to waste.
 
They’re re-fighting the civil war in Georgia. Instead of state’s rights, this time the ruckus is over state-issued license plates. A new specialty tag features the Confederate battle flag, and that’s infuriating civil rights advocates who view it as a racially charged symbol of oppression. DC is getting involved and it’s fixin’ to start a mess of trouble. These Yankees need to just back away from things they don’t understand, like ordering a filet at Waffle House. They do breakfast 24/7, just order what they know how to cook.
 
$425 million was on the line for last night's Powerball drawing. The single winning ticket was sold in California. Our lawmakers in Montgomery are again, trying to get a lottery here. Right now the proposal is a three million dollar jackpot – it would pay out three dollars a year for one million years.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1962, U.S. astronaut John Glenn became the first person to orbit the Earth in the Friendship 7 space capsule. I don’t have a joke to add to this, just wanted to point out the awesome! Back in the day, we used to explore and take every risk … nowadays; we are adventurous explorers because we didn’t order the usual off the dollar menu.
 
On this date in 1792, President Washington signed a bill creating the U.S. Postal Service.   Up until that time, when people were really upset, they didn't know how to go.
 
Patty Hearst-Shaw turns 60 today. She was kidnapped by a group of radicals back in the 70s. Hey! Who wants a Hearst burger?*
 
Supermodel Cindy Crawford turns 48 today. That’s 110 in modeling years.

Ryan Seacrest is starting his own clothing line for guys. Ryan said he's been toying with the idea of getting into men's pants for a long but he finally decided to just dive on in.
 
CBS is working on a third "CSI" spinoff. Maybe it'll be something fun this time, like "CSI -- Seinfeld" or "How I Cleared Your Mother's Charges."
 
A South Carolina woman was arrested for not returning a video she rented in 2005. To make matters worse, it was "Deuce Bigalow 2."
 
 
 * It's just like a regular hamburger, except no patty.
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 19 2014 7:47AM
Of all the "jokes" I had on the show today, none were as good as the following post. Given how unfunny the following post IS ... it should tell you a lot about my show today! I wasn't even going to post these BUT if I don't make a blog entry I get a call from my parents asking where it is. It's sweet they read this like it's an actual thing :-). 

Just a few things you need to know ...
In 1881, Kansas became the first state to ban alcoholic beverages. You can see why the Wizard of Oz wanted out.

In 1935, Tennessee voted to keep their anti-evolution laws. I'm not sure if that meant they wouldn't allow the theory to be taught in schools or, if everyone in the state had to stop evolving.

Violent street demonstrations turned into all-out riots in Ukraine on Tuesday as military police moved in to clear out a protest camp. I don't want to spoil the video for you, but those Ukraine girls really DO knock you out.

 Comcast is poised to merge with Time-Warner, which will save all the trouble of two companies having to raise your rates all the time.

And … Guitarist and one of the founding members of Devo, Bob Casale, has died of heart complications at the age of 61. RIP it. RIP it REAL good.
 
Filed Under :
Location : KansasTennessee
People : Bob Casale
by Kori White posted Feb 18 2014 11:06AM

What Facebook knows about love, in numbers

news.msn.com

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by Kori White posted Feb 18 2014 10:11AM

Falcons wide receiver Roddy White arrested in Ga.

news.yahoo.com

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