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Posts from March 2014
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 31 2014 8:13AM
I have to post this fast! I can’t stay on the internet long because I still haven’t seen last night’s “Walking Dead” finale. Here’s what happened while you were asleep…
 
The White House says they've signed up 6 million people for Obamacare in just 10 days. Many people doubt these numbers calling them "bogus," but this just in ...The White House says they've now signed up eleventy-million MORE Americans for Obamacare!
 
The International Monetary Fund has pledged $18 billion in loans to Ukraine over the next two years. To cut through the red tape, they're just making the check out to Vladimir Putin. Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the internet out of the fear of being tracked. So, technically speaking, he knows what it's like to be an American.
 
Pope Francis has fired that infamous German "Bishop of Bling" because he spent over $43 million renovating his house. Don’t worry about him; President Obama has put him in charge of controlling costs for Obamacare.
 
The Secret Service misconduct scandal is widening. Besides that agent who was found passed-out drunk in Amsterdam   just before President Obama's visit,   2 officers suspected of drinking had a car accident this month in Miami during a presidential visit there. The agents were charged with reckless driving, operating a vehicle while impaired and impersonating Justin Bieber.
 
President Obama met with Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah on Friday, trying to allay Saudi fears over Syria and the nuclear crisis with Iran. The Saudi King abruptly cancelled a planned dinner with Mr. Obama. We're not sure what happened, but a staffer says they heard Obama say, "Don't make me call Joe and have him okay the Keystone Pipeline."
 
The Koreas are exchanging fire this morning. Worst roommates ever. North Korea is defending their military maneuvers saying, “We sent over a warning fax” to the South not to freak out. A fax? Hang on; let me mimeograph that for the rest of the class. Anyway, it’s no shock the North is acting up; nobody’s doing anything about Crimea so they must assume the rest of the world is up for grabs. The DPRK is overdue for a tantrum thanks to the Mystery of Flight 370 taking over the headlines. “Roook at MEEEEEEEEE!”
 
The Air Force has fired 9 mid-level commanders and will discipline dozens of junior officers in a cheating scandal at a nuclear missile base. But don't worry about them. They've all been given jobs at the White House cooking the signup numbers for Obamacare.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1918, Daylight Saving Time went into effect for the very first time. I've always thought the time change should take place during the workday. Spring ahead an hour at 4pm on a Friday, and fall back on Monday morning, whenever I get in.
 
On this date in 1880, Wabash, Indiana became the first town to be lit completely by electricity. They also have the distinction of being the first town to have a power outage.

Advertisers think that Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu could spark a “fast food war.”  Just remember, breakfast diarrhea is the most important diarrhea of the day.
 
No, they still haven’t found the plane. I wish we knew, one way or the other, so we can stop worrying about this mystery and get back to waiting for Kanye to say something stupid or for a Kardashian to bend over in front of the paparazzi. And what are they doing with all the trash they keep “investigating?” Do they just say, “Aw. This isn’t from MH370!” (Throws it back in the water *SPLASH*).
 
Just in from the White House ... Obamacare sign-ups have just passed the 1 bajillion-quadmillion point!
 
Zac Efron says he's ready for a "High School Musical Reunion" movie. In other words, Zac Efron just spent his last dollar on crack. Zac is whack.
 
And … The World Balloon Convention was held last week in Denver. Whatever you do, never take a balloon that you blew up in Colorado across state lines. They CAN be used as evidence against you.
Filed Under :
Location : AmsterdamColoradoDenverIndianaMiami
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 31 2014 8:08AM
I have to post this fast! I can’t stay on the internet long because I still haven’t seen last night’s “Walking Dead” finale. Here’s what happened while you were asleep…
 
The White House says they've signed up 6 million people for Obamacare in just 10 days. Many people doubt these numbers calling them "bogus," but this just in ...The White House says they've now signed up eleventy-million MORE Americans for Obamacare!
 
The International Monetary Fund has pledged $18 billion in loans to Ukraine. To cut through the red tape, they're just making the check out to Vladimir Putin. Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the internet out of the fear of being tracked. So, technically speaking, he knows what it's like to be an American.
 
Pope Francis has fired that infamous German "Bishop of Bling" because he spent over $43 million renovating his house. Don’t worry about him; President Obama has put him in charge of controlling costs for Obamacare.
 
The Secret Service misconduct scandal is widening. Besides that agent who was found passed-out drunk in Amsterdam   just before President Obama's visit,   2 officers suspected of drinking had a car accident this month in Miami during a presidential visit there. The agents were charged with reckless driving, operating a vehicle while impaired and impersonating Justin Bieber.
 
President Obama met with Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah on Friday, trying to allay Saudi fears over Syria and the nuclear crisis with Iran. In a shocking snub, The Saudi King abruptly cancelled a planned dinner with Mr. Obama. We're not sure what happened, but a staffer says they heard Obama say, "Don't make me call Joe and have him okay the Keystone Pipeline."
 
The Koreas are exchanging fire this morning. Worst roommates ever. North Korea is defending their military maneuvers saying, “We sent over a warning fax” to the South not to freak out. A fax? Hang on; let me mimeograph that for the rest of the class. Anyway, it’s no shock the North is acting up; nobody’s doing anything about Crimea so they must assume the rest of the world is up for grabs. The DPRK is overdue for a tantrum thanks to the Mystery of Flight 370 taking over the headlines. “Roook at MEEEEEEEEE!”
 
The Air Force has fired 9 mid-level commanders and will discipline dozens of junior officers in a cheating scandal at a nuclear missile base. But don't worry about them. They've all been given jobs at the White House cooking the signup numbers for Obamacare.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1918, Daylight Saving Time went into effect for the very first time. I've always thought the time change should take place during the workday. Spring ahead an hour at 4pm on a Friday, and fall back on Monday morning, whenever I get in.
 
On this date in 1880, Wabash, Indiana became the first town to be lit completely by electricity. They also have the distinction of being the first town to have a power outage.

Advertisers think that Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu could spark a “fast food war.”  Just remember, breakfast diarrhea is the most important diarrhea of the day.
 
No, they still haven’t found the plane. I wish we knew, one way or the other, so we can stop worrying about this mystery and get back to waiting for Kanye to say something stupid or for a Kardashian to bend over in front of the paparazzi. And what are they doing with all the trash they keep “investigating?” Do they just say, “Aw. This isn’t from MH370!” (Throws it back in the water *SPLASH*).
 
Just in from the White House ... Obamacare sign-ups have just passed the 1 bajillion-quadmizzlion point!
 
Zac Efron says he's ready for a "High School Musical Reunion" movie. In other words, Zac Efron just spent his last dollar on crack. Zac is whack.
 
And … The World Balloon Convention was held last week in Denver. Whatever you do, never take a balloon that you blew up in Colorado across state lines. They CAN be used as evidence against you.
Filed Under :
Location : AmsterdamColoradoDenverIndianaMiami
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 28 2014 7:25AM
They’ve shifted the search area for the missing Malaysian Airlines jet.   Australia says they think any wreckage would be 700 miles from where searchers were focused, which is hundreds of miles from where they were looking after they moved the search hundreds of miles from where they started.  Meanwhile, Pakistan is still gloating that they obviously do not have the missing plane, as was suspected. Well, they never knew Seal Team 6 was in their country either.

It’s getting scary in the Black Sea. Satellite shows Russian troops setting up a possible supply line for an extended occupation – wait – we can watch these guys unpacking their luggage but can’t find any trace of that missing plane? Anyway, Vladimir Putin is looking at more land to annex. He's talking about taking over some areas that used to be part of Governor Chris Christie.

President Obama and his interpreter met for an entire hour with Pope Francis and his interpreter at the Vatican yesterday. The two reportedly spent most of their time discussing income inequality, untill Obama asked the Pope for his blessing, and the number of the Italian TV channel that carries the NCAA basketball tournament.
  
And a few more things you need to know…

On this in 1866, the very first ambulance service began. Lots of people were very excited... although, most of them were lawyers.

On this date in 1930, Constantinople changed its name to Istanbul, so they could finally fit the country's name on t-shirts.

If you go to a White Sox game, and have $17 you can get a 3 pound Banana Split, with 12 scoops of ice cream,
chocolate sauce, whipped cream and several cherries served in a full-sized batting helmet! Hey, it's supposed to be a batting helmet, not a fatting helmet!  They should call it the Obamanator since Michelle will have it banned. I wonder if you can get it deep fried with a stint sold separately.

Just six stories today and all of them rehashed? This is what happens when you are as bad at managing your writing time as I am. 
Filed Under :
Location : Black SeaIstanbul
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 27 2014 7:58AM
BREAKING NEWS! Trust me on this and say it aloud. Say 'beer can' with a British accent. I just taught you how to say 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. You are most welcome!
Now, on to what passes for news in this gin joint!
 
Thailand says their satellites have picked up 300 objects floating in the Southern Indian Ocean. It could be Flight MH370, it could be what’s left of Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage. Honestly, we can’t find a Boeing 777 but we can find a planet beyond Pluto?
 
SDSU star running back Adam Muema seems to be serious about not playing in the NFL because he believes the world is coming to an end this May. Apparently, Adam just found out that Joe Biden is in charge of the nuclear codes while President Obama is in Europe. 
 
President Obama is visiting Pope Francis at the Vatican today. The Pope told Obama that he can hear his confession but there's absolutely nothing he can do to help his buddies in the midterms.Problem is, that sounds like something the Padre would really say. 
 
New TSA “safety measures” go into effect today. Yes, the terrorists will again be thwarted by having someone grumpy grab you in places your mother hasn’t even seen.
 
Russian leader Vladimir Putin has just amassed troops outside of the place running his March Madness bracket. Well, that's one way to win. Sources say that Transnistria could be Russia's next target. Of course, my first question was, "There's a country called Transnistria?" Apparently MS Word doesn’t know of it either, since it’s underlined in red.  In the latest slow-mo developments, Russia has seized dozens of Ukrainian ships in Crimea AND Ukraine’s special combat dolphins. Yes, they have trained combat dolphins but they aren’t very elite – you know how they make a decision? They FLIPPER coin! Experts say this dolphin pod was so chicken-of-the-sea they might have surrendered to Russia on PORPOISE.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1512, Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon found Florida while searching for the fountain of youth. He never did find it, but he did discover the city of Botox.  

 On this date in 1794, George Washington created the U.S. Navy. He had absolutely no idea what the Village People had in mind for it.
 
A new study of 40,000 children by Canada's McGill University says that children with uber-tough parents are 37% more likely to be obese than kids whose parents are emotionally responsive. Well, chuh! What kid wouldn't rather have a pizza then a hug? Hugs don't come with pepperoni and pineapple and an order of cheesy bread!
 
Montecore, the white tiger that nearly mauled Siegfried and Roy illusionist Roy Horn to death in 2003, has died. Montecore is survived by his longtime companion, Tony, who was quoted as saying, "That’s not sp grrrrrrrreat.” 
 
And … Demi Moore says hearing that Mila Kunis is pregnant with Ashton Kutcher's baby is finally bringing closure to her relationship with Ashton. You would think Ashton not coming home for 3 years and being connected romantically with a string of women might have accomplished that already.
 
And a bonus Thought For The Day: “If you’re being a jerk in public, and someone calls you out for being a jerk by being a jerk to you, do not complain about it to me, because I’ll probably think you’re being a jerk and will act jerkey back to you.  ~Gandhi
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 26 2014 9:40AM
Still no word on if the latest thing in the ocean has anything to do with Malasia Air Flight 370. Can we just end this? Let’s just ask that octopus that predicts the World Cup or the camel that can pick the Super Bowl winner (since I think the octopus died) where the plane went and be done with it.

Too bad, Vlad! You could have had a G8! The U.S. and 6 other member nations have kicked Russia out of the G8. Alright, who's paying to have my tattoo fixed?* The summit was supposed to be held in Sochi yet Russia isn’t invited. The new G7 cited Russia's invasion of Ukraine, and Bob Costas' pinkeye.

President Obama meets with Pope Francis tomorrow. Here's something for which you should watch: if you see black smoke rising from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, that means Obama's smoking again because Michelle’s not around.

Three Secret Service Agents have been sent home after boozing it up ahead of a presidential visit in Amsterdam. If I have to put my life on the line for somebody else I’m probably gonna want a hit of something too. The three have been charged with impersonating different Secret Service Agents.

President Obama says if you start to signup through a healthcare exchange but don’t finish, you can skip next week’s deadline. No wonder Congress can’t get anything done; they’re too busy repealing portions of the law. Oh. Wait.

40-year-old Michael Howard Long of Arab made social media history after he climbed 40 feet up a pine a tree at his home early Saturday morning while nude and refused to come down, saying he was making the tree his home. WAR EAGLE! Police say drugs might be a factor. Ya think? Anyway, the headlines could spark international tensions as people who aren’t “from round here” don’t know how to properly pronounce “A-rab.” Once the Middle East sees people mocking a “naked Arab man” they’re gonna tear up another embassy.

If you’re due to be executed by lethal injection, you’re in luck! Alabama currently does not have access to pentobarbital, so we’ll have to go back to executing people by handing them illegal fireworks and saying, “Hey yall! Watch this!”

 
And a few more things you need to know…

On this date in 1872, a patent was given for a new invention: the fire extinguisher. Umm… Isn't that called "water?"

On this date in 1845, a patent was awarded for adhesive medicated plaster. That was back before band aids. So, if you got injured, you'd say, "I need to get plastered!" Actually, I still say that.

There's a new study out that says an ingredient in tequila can help protect against diabetes. Or, if nothing else, make you care less.

The very first officially licensed "Star Trek" beer will come out in the next few months: Klingon Warnog. You know me – I’m a proud geek. Why why why didn’t they make Romulan Ale first? It’s a bigger thing! Jim Beam me up, Scotty!  Boy did I make a Vulcan idiot of myself with these jokes.  

The Coast Guard is now making completely unannounced inspections of cruise ships to make sure they're operating safely. Why would the Coast Guard announce unannounced inspections? My guess is so Carnival can get their bribe money ready in advance.

Wal-Mart is recalling over 174 thousand baby dolls, not because the creepy things are possessed by the soul of a deceased serial killer but because they can overheat.  Ironically the overheating doll comes with a thermometer so you can pretend to take its temperature. If you’ve got one of these death traps, you might want to wait to return it since you can use it as a heat source this morning!

Some people are criticizing the movie "Noah" because they say it's too environmentally preachy. I don't remember Noah blaming the flood on Halliburton or the Koch Brothers funding of frakking technology.  Some different people are yeeping because God isn’t mentioned at all in "Noah". OK, well if God didn’t tell him that it was going to rain for 40 days/nights, who did? James Spann?
 
*NO, Mom and Da, I do not have a G8 tattoo.
Filed Under :
Location : AlabamaAmsterdamMiddle East
by Kori White posted Mar 25 2014 1:02PM

Police keep quiet about cell-tracking technology

via news.msn.com

Posted via Zocle
by Kori White posted Mar 25 2014 1:02PM

Florida's Donovan gets 3-year extension, raise

via news.yahoo.com

Posted via Zocle
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 25 2014 7:41AM
 
 A French satellite taking pictures of the Indian Ocean has captured images of a remote area of water that does NOT have debris floating in it that may or may not have come from missing Malaysian Airline flight 370. More on this stunning development as the story unfolds! Meanwhile, think you’ve gotten awful texts before? Malaysian officials are defending their decision to text families of those aboard MH370 that the flight crashed with no survivors. “Srry. All ded. Hope the best 4 U. BRB gotta tell media. K?”
 
How’s your bracket doing? I look at the number of correct guesses versus the number of wrong guesses in mine and I realize -- I could have been a meteorologist! I think I nailed the Final Four. I've got the Rebels upsetting Syria, and Putin surprising Estonia.
 
Does anyone else look at what's going on over in the Ukraine and feel like we're just watching an invasion, but in slow motion? New travel sanctions on Russia could result in travel sanctions to US astronauts since we have to pay them 70 million bucks for a seat on a Soyuz poop-bucket to get to the International Space Station that Russia never finished paying for. Oh I’m not saying the Soyuz spacecraft is sketchy – but it lacks atmosphere. Soyuz given up hope of reading anything funny today? Me too.
 
Thanks to Obama-imposed sanctions, the Moscow Stock Exchange (MICEX*) on Friday fell the equivalent of 500-Dow points.   Vladimir Putin says, "I have to hand it to Obama. No one is better at tanking an economy."
 
First Lady Michelle Obama, along with Malia and Sasha, visited the Great Wall of China. You know you can see the Great Wall of China from space? The hotel bill they racked up is so big you can see THAT from space too.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1655, Titan, the largest satellite of Saturn, was discovered. It was believed that Titan gave Saturn the ring. Why? It liked it so it put a ring on it.**
 
On this date in 1821, Greece declared its independence from Turkey and switched completely to chicken! 
 
"It's a Small World" turns 50 this year. It's already received three applications from AARP.
 
It’s maaaaadness! By late Friday, when the Memphis Tigers beat George Washington in the NCAA basketball tournament, both the million dollar ESPN bracket challenge, and Warren Buffett's billion dollar challenge were over with no one producing a perfect bracket. Of course, since the Democrats are in the White House, we all still get trophies! It’s a shame; I could have used that billion. I have a dream someday of buying my own disappointing NCAA basketball team.
 
Diners at Disney's T-Rex Cafe in Orlando were interrupted when a giant fish tank cracked open, sending thousands of gallons of water rushing through the restaurant. Sadly, Nemo has yet to be found.

And … There's a new app that maps a person's enemies and exes so that they never run into them out in public. Remember – if you DO run into an ex, make sure it’s not with your car. That’s still technically illegal in Alabama.
 

* Which sounds like either an exterminator’s tool or a venereal disease.

**Surely somebody here knows the Beyonce song.
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 24 2014 8:00AM
 
Harry Houdini, the famous magician and escape artist, was born on this day way back in 1874. In his honour I’m doing my show in a straight jacket and handcuffs, even though I do that every Monday.
 
Could be worse, could be raining! A cyclone is bearing down on the Indian Ocean, where new satellite photos indicate a possible debris field from the missing Malaysia Air jet. Or not.  As boats converge on the “suspicious objects,” all we really know is that  the Malaysian Prime Minister could pass for Yoda’s dad.  Now, Malaysian officials are coming under fire because the photos of the Iranian passengers aboard Flight 370 were “doctored” and have the same set of legs on both passengers. This is not evidence of a conspiracy- just evidence of officials not being able to work a photocopier.  Many nations are blaming Malaysia for hampering the search and withholding information … like how they knew to pick Mercer over Duke.
 
After the U.S. imposed sanctions on more than 2 dozen prominent Russian officials because of the situation in Ukraine, Russia responded by imposing tit-for-tat travel sanctions on top U.S. officials, including Senator John McCain. Although, Sarah Palin told McCain that if he wants to see Russia, he can sit on the front porch with her and Todd. And by the way, Vladimir Putin, when you're issuing "tit-for-tat" sanctions, there's no reason to take your shirt off. It's just not necessary.
Skyrocketing milk and dairy prices could force Starbucks and pizza chains to raise prices. I'd say, "Don't have a cow, man," but right about now, I really wish I did have one.
 
Get this -- In 2012, the Earth narrowly missed being hit by a colossal solar blast that would have probably destroyed most of our communication satellites, meaning no cell phones and no TV. In other words, it would have killed us all. A “colossal solar blast?” Hey, scientists! If you really want to scare us; don't make a devastating coronal storm sound like a party we don't want to miss. Of course, if you live in North Alabama, you probably wouldn't mind getting hit by a solar blast just about now. Seriously – 26 degrees tonight?
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1765, Britain enacted the Quartering Act. Why they forced us to pay for everything with quarters I don’t know.
 
On this date, in 1882, German scientist Robert Koch discovered bacillus, the cause of tuberculosis. TB or not TB ... that is the question.
 
The federal government spent over a million dollars on booze last year. So, if you thought congress was spending money like a bunch of drunken sailors, you could be right.
 
Courtney Cash, the grandniece of Johnny Cash, was found dead in a box in her home in Tennessee, and a friend is charged in her death. Wayne Gary Masciarella faces numerous charges including making a “Tennessee Flat Top Box” joke. What is it with guys named “Wayne?” They’re either great hockey players or murderers.
 
The drought in California has gotten so bad; sparks from titanium golf clubs have been blamed for 2 Orange County golf course fires. The golfer responsible for starting a 25 acre blaze says he was so devastated by the fire; he wasn't able to get it out of his mind until the 14th hole. Firemen responding to that blaze were able to dig a berm to stop the flames, but they got in trouble with the landscaper for not replacing their divots.
 
And … Despite the recent freezing temperatures, Georgia peach producers say their crops are fine, so prices won’t rise.  I have my doubts because those nefarious peach producers have been known to use fuzzy math.
 
 
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 14 2014 7:48AM
Looking for the news? It's not here. Why? Because I'm going on vacation and can either sit in this freezing studio for the next hour typing up the headlines OR I can leave an hour early. 
I'll send you a postcard from the laundry room because that is precisely how I'm spending my vacation; washing socks. I'm at that stage where I can either do laundry OR just go buy new socks. It's a glamourous life indeed!
Aloha!
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