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Posts from April 2014
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 30 2014 7:53AM
Now that the severe weather has left us, we can resume complaining about the pollen. Last night’s storms sparked heavy flooding in Florida. The real estate market there is now literally as well as figuratively under water. The flooding in the famous Foley outlet center is so bad; several locals are STILL stuck on the escalator.  

LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling is banned from the NBA for life after making racist comments on tape. It was so offensive, even Paula Deen has unfollowed him on Twitter. The lifetime ban is considered the longest sentence in NBA history, because it includes the last minute of every 4th quarter. This guy’s a huge racist; I hear his whole klan is the same way. Sterling's world is crashing in around him. I mean, we all have our crosses to bear, but his are on fire.

Executions in Oklahoma are on hold after they managed to botch the execution of one inmate. How do you screw up an execution? Americans should know how to kill people by now!

The Ukraine Prime Minister is still saying Russia wants to start World War III. I'd rather they start World War Z because we've got Brad Pitt and know how that one turns out.

Breaking news while we were coping with severe weather: they found the plane. Kinda.  Or they didn’t.

Pfizer is offering $100 billion for Astra Zeneca, who I believe is a shortstop for the Marlins.
 
And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States. He began by blaming all of the country's problems on the previous administration.

This day back in 1904, the ice cream cone made it's world debut. And we don't get this day off as a holiday?
A new study says that stress is a major trigger of depression. That's depressing. Wow, suddenly I feel so stressed!
George Clooney is engaged. I believe if you check Revelation, you'll see that's one of the seven signs. His bride-to-be will have THE most amazing pre-nup in Hollywood history.

And … The cast of the new Star Wars movie is complete! Die hard fans are warning JJ Abrams NOT to screw the film up. What could he do to mess it up that Lucas hasn’t already done? Three words: Jar Jar Returns. Hey, while I’ve got you here …You know what you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett! Laugh at my silly jokes you will! 
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 28 2014 8:21AM
 
I’m likely camping out at the station again thanks to the threat of severe weather in Alabama. Here are Lisa’s Handy Tips for Storm Season:

Overreact.
Panic Buy.
Drive like an idiot.
Call in sick.
Tell Facebook it’s raining and Instagram every cloud formation that looks vaguely threatening after you slap 5 filters on it. 
 
Pro-Russian separatists on Sunday seized control of the state television in eastern Ukraine. Maybe we could hire the separatists to run the TV networks over here? Meanwhile those left in Ukraine with time to watch TV will be missing their “Falcon Crest” reruns.   

So the owner of a professional sports team said something stupid? I’m shocked. SHOCKED! Was it “Sure we can trade Wes Welker to the Patriots, we don’t really need him anyway” because THAT was pretty dumb. The Clipper players staged a silent protest during warm up. They did a silent protest because staging a noisy protest could cost them their jobs ... and the depth of people’s feelings about a situation is directionally proportional to how much money they make at it.

A woman visiting Disneyland with her marine husband was asked by a male employee to cover up because she was showing too much cleavage. Disney workers first became aware of the woman when the Bill Clinton robot in the Hall of Presidents kept hitting on her. What’s the dealio, Disney? No one has to cover up at Dollywood! 

A very busy day at the Vatican. Pope Francis has declared Popes John the 23rd and John Paul the second, saints. It was THE most exciting results show of “So You Think You can Saint” ever.

Final results for the Afghani presidential election won't be in until mid-May, and it's widely expected that the leader, Abdullah Abdullah, and the 2nd place finisher will go into a runoff. It’s better than the North Korean elections, where the 2nd place finisher goes into a wood-chipper.

And a few things you need to know…

Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun on this date in 1945. Two days later, they committed suicide. Pretty odd way of getting out of writing thank you notes for the wedding presents.

On this date in 1919, the very first successful parachute jump was made. Obviously by someone who had absolutely nothing with the previous jump attempts.

A donut shop is opening up in New York, offering low-calorie donuts. Yep, THAT’S what this country was missing.
Scientists say they've found a fossil of a shrimp-like sea creature that lived 520 million years ago with an exquisitely preserved heart and blood vessels that represent the oldest-known cardiovascular system. Although, creationists say it's just a bunch of abalone.

And … An Arizona woman has been arrested on bestiality charges after she tried to arrange “a date” with a horse on Craigslist. The woman thought the horse was a real stud but you wouldn't be caught dead at their bridle shower. What a sick woman...You don't look for a stable relationship with a horse on Craigslist.  
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 25 2014 7:31AM
Ukraine’s Prime Minister says Russia is trying to start World War 3. Wow! We’d better hurry up and send Russia that harsh letter we’ve been threatening to start writing.
 
A Virgin Australia flight to Indonesia sent out a hijacking distress call, turns out the problem was a drunken passenger banging on the cockpit door. Drunk and disorderly is usually referred to as “Thursday” in Australia. Once the flight landed safely, the passenger was brought before officers who told him, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” To which the passenger responded, “Ace, Mate! Let’s get to it then!”
 
Not to get off on ANOTHER Mt Everest rant, but Nepal is now attempting to negotiate with the Sherpas who left the mountain after an avalanche killed 16 of the famous guides. Who knew Sherpas were unionized? Anyway, the government of Nepal is telling would-be climbers at Base Camp that they can still attempt the climb without the Sherpas and that “it’s relatively safe to make a summit attempt” alone. LOL.   It’s a trap!
 
President Obama wants to reduce the sentences of thousands of criminals serving long federal prison sentences because of what he calls unfair laws. In a related story, the Oakland Raiders have been issued the most difficult schedule for the 2014 NFL season. Maybe the Raiders can plea their schedule down to something more lenient.
 
Georgia has a new law allowing licensed gun owners to carry firearms into bars, some government buildings, schools and churches. Churches? Now every marriage will be a shotgun wedding! From now on, Georgia will be known as the "There Were No Survivors, State." I can’t believe they didn’t include airplanes on the list. Nothing like a warning shot to keep that kid from kicking the back of your seat. Of course, there would be that exorbitant bullet-carry-on fee…
 
Need more proof that humans need dogs in order to communicate with each other? Here. A blind man and blind woman in Britain, who started dating after their guide dogs became friends, have gotten married in a ceremony where the dogs acted as ring bearers. I bet neither one of them saw THIS coming!
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1684, a patent was granted for the thimble. A thimble is something is used in a mysterious practice known as "sewing." Not exactly sure what that is, but I know a needle is involved. Must have something to do with drugs.
 
On this date in 1792, a robber became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine. He didn't let that go to his head though. The guillotine was a new innovation then, it was the featured item of the day on the Home Chopping Network.
 
A study from England claims the average British man keeps a pair of underwear for 7-years. But remember, we're talking British guys, so it's not necessarily men's underwear.
 
A "Duck Dynasty Live" show, scheduled for Missouri this weekend, has been canceled due to poor ticket sales. I guess they’re all quacked up.

And … Catholics around the world are seeking clarification from the Vatican after Pope Francis phoned a divorced woman to tell her she can receive Communion. And to make things even more complicated, that woman is now demanding half of her ex-husband's Communion.
Filed Under :
Location : GeorgiaMissouri
People : FrancisObama
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 24 2014 8:18AM
There will be no Sherpa-guided climbs on Mt. Everest for the rest of the climbing season to honor the 16 Sherpas who died in an avalanche last week. You're doomed without the Sherpas. I don't suppose there's a bunny hill, or an escalator?  I’m fascinated by Everest. It’s the mountain equivalent of the Venus fly trap – luring unqualified climbers to easily preventable deaths.
 
President Obama is in Tokyo, Japan, this week. Someone should have told him the Tea Party is a little different there.
 
Mt Everest makes me wonder … if I built a corridor full of rotating blades and saws and poison gas, and charged $100k for the privilege of running through it would the “adventure tourists” flock to it?
 
Doctors in the UK are now manufacturing blood cells. This is a revolution in medicine that will allow us to live longer healthier lives if we manage to not blow ourselves up with nuclear weapons.
 
Backing up Joe Biden’s peace mission to Ukraine, President Obama has called on Russia to abide by international norms. Biden responded by shouting, "Norms!"
 
You know the dead bodies of most climbers stay on Everest forever? There’s one nicknamed “Green Boots” that is used as a trail marker before you get to the summit. THEY USE CORPSES AS TRAIL MARKERS. Why would you want to spend a college tuition for the chance to turn into a people-sickle in a $500 The North Face jacket?
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
Christmas Eve is exactly 8 months away. Just sayin'…
 
On this date in 1888, the Kodak camera was released.  Everyone was excited to see what developed.
 
Today is “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day.”  We should have a take our kids to OTHER people’s work day so they don’t end up like us. And why are dogs excluded? Chad in accounting can bring his twin boys who, by the way, both have strep throat but I can’t bring Hera? So unfair.
 
Don’t get me wrong on Everest: I love adventure travel. I just love it someplace warm with a pool nearby. Who wants to see a blinding white endless hell of hypoxia? #LetItGo
 
A new elevator is being installed in a Chinese skyscraper that will travel at speeds of 45 MPH, reaching the 95th floor in just 43 seconds. That's more like a thrill ride! How tall do you have to be to ride that elevator?
 
One of my coworkers just called me a “chicken” for my continued Everest whining. Not at all! I hope to die a valiant, adventurous death … but I’ll probably end up choking on a spoonful of frosting after tripping over the dog.
 
The New York Yankee’s pitcher was ejected in the 2nd inning of a game in Boston after the Red Sox alerted umpires that he had a blob of pine tar resin smeared on his neck. It's amazing. They can find brownish-amber blotches on Yankee pitcher's necks but they can't find Flight 370. Go figure.
 
Seriously, I do not understand the Everest obsession. Rocks, snow and brain death from the lack of oxygen. You know, awe inspiring crap. 
Filed Under :
Location : BostonNew YorkTokyo
People : Joe BidenObama
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 23 2014 8:37AM

Time to get out and hit those “After Earth Day” sales!


If you have untreated behavioral problems, you should consider government work! The IRS just paid out 2.8 million dollars in bonuses to employees with disciplinary problems – including fraud, drug use and tax evasion. HEY! You know what’s black and looks good on an IRS agent? A hungry bear. Seriously, if two IRS agents were drowning and you could only save one, would you go out to lunch or finish reading an article on Facebook?


The US sends troops to attempt to stabilize the crumbling situation in Ukraine. Hopefully they’ll be armed with more than harsh letters to Vladimir Putin. Yesterday, Vice President Biden warned Putin to leave the area or face deeper sanctions.  What’s he gonna do? Put Putin in “time out” if he doesn’t withdraw the troops he says aren’t in Crimea?


Energy companies say the method of extracting oil called "hydraulic fracking," where they inject high pressure liquids into once dead oil fields, makes them start producing again.  This morning, I tried fracking my empty tooth paste tube. There's at least an extra day left in it now! Seriously, this fracking technology is freaky, tonight I'm going to frack my peanut butter jar.


U.S.
drones were back in action over Yemen.  Officials say the attacks have killed at least 55 militants, including three senior members, who were returning from a huge terrorist gathering. I didn't even realize Al Qaeda went on Spring Break.


CNN reports searchers for Flight 370 say they have an “object of interest” off the western coast of Australia. BUT, the guy leading the search says “the more we look at the photos of the object the less excited we get.” It’s kinda like watching non-stop Flight 370 coverage on CNN.


And a few things you need to know ... 

On this date in 1985, Coca Cola announced that it was changing it's formula and "New Coke" was born. This is an historic day for bad ideas.  


Today is Administrative Professionals Day. I got ours the same thing as last year!*


Comic book hero Flash Gordon turns 80 this week. Probably ought to knock off that flashing now.

Prince has signed a deal with Warner Bros. to produce a new album . No one's sure when the album is coming out, but the Old Farmer's Almanac does predict Purple Rain in early 2015.

A Southwest Airlines pilot who became famous for landing at the wrong airport has retired. He plans to spend his golden years in Mexico so he just bought a place in Toronto.

And … Thanks to an extra-long winter, motorized, gas-powered snowboards are the hot new thing in the cold. Yeah, because that's what I've always noticed when I'm at the X Games. It's just not LOUD enough.

*Nothing

Filed Under :
Location : Toronto
People : BidenPrinceVladimir Putin
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 22 2014 8:15AM
In honor of Earth day today, I'm sending all of my work-related emails straight to my “recycle” folder. Actually I’m spending the day recycling cans because I need the money for gas.
 
Security concerns are high after a teenager flew from California to Hawaii in a jet’s wheel well. The kid says he simply hopped a fence and climbed inside. If he’d had a bottle of shampoo and a pocket knife THEN airport security would have nabbed him. Federal authorities are now trying to determine what would cause a teen boy from San Jose to stowaway on a flight to Maui. What, are they stupid? It’s MAUI.
 
Vice-President Joe Biden is in Kiev to support Ukrainian leaders. The trip was secretly designed to stop him from pushing kids out of the way at yesterday's White House Easter Egg Roll.
 
They’ve almost completely scanned the area where that plane isn’t. Searchers are starting to suggest Flight 370 did not crash into the ocean but instead landed somewhere. Why have we never suspected Australia was behind the disappearance? While they’re out “searching” they’ve really got the plane parked on a secret wallaby farm outside of Perth. C’mon, it’s entirely peopled with criminals who listen to ACDC and are upside down. WE’RE ON TO YOU OZ!  Fosters: Australian for “we nicked the plane, now rack off and let's us enjoy what jolly jumbuck we got in our tucker bag.”
 
A 34 year old man continues recovery after a weekend shooting at the Tuscaloosa waffle house.   Must have been a big fuss over that single jelly packet they give you.
 
 And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1864, Congress voted to include the phrase "In God We Trust" on all U.S. currency... replacing the old slogan, "So, who do we trust?" 
 
On this date in 1952, an atomic test conducted in Nevada is the first such explosion to be shown live on network television. Thus began a long tradition of networks showing bombs on TV.
 
MGM is planning a remake of "Ben Hur." Why? Ben Hur, done that.


 
Miley Cyrus is canceling some concert dates because she had a bad reaction to some antibiotics. How do they know it wasn't the other way around?
 
Netflix is raising the price for new customers by $2.00 a month.  They say the price hike was unavoidable, because sending DVD's is going to become a lot pricier when the Post Office goes out of business.
 
And … We’re being warned that the soaring cost of chocolate threatens to ruin Easter 2015.  I'm more concerned how the soaring cost of chocolate is going to affect Halloween 2014. Or this afternoon, for that matter. 
Filed Under :
Location : CaliforniaHawaiiKievNevadaPerthSan Jose
People : Joe BidenMiley Cyrus
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 21 2014 8:08AM
Security is super tight at today’s running of the Boston Marathon. Over 1 million spectators are expected at the race and cops are cracking down on numerous items at security checkpoints. Runners cannot wear costumes or masks, no strollers, no large backpacks, bombs are also not allowed. Again. 

A 16 year old boy is lucky to be unharmed after stowing away in the wheel well of a flight from California to Hawaii. 38 thousand feet of freezing temperatures and little oxygen, the boy passed out for most of the 5.5 hour flight and STILL had a better experience than everybody flying in coach.

Another one? A Malaysia Airlines flight made an emergency landing this morning, returning safely to Kuala Lumpur after a problem with landing gear. Or a tire, the government can’t decide on a story for this one either. The passengers are safe and 100 % thankful anyone even knows where they are. I can’t add much to this story but on CNN they actually broke away from the Malaysian plane story to cover a DIFFERENT Malaysian plane. A collection is already being taken to buy Justin Beiber, the Kardashians and most of Congress tickets on Malaysia Airlines.  

An international mystery is brewing after a plane bearing the American flag, owned by the Bank of Utah, parked at an airport in Tehran. Since business with Iran is prohibited by sanctions, and the easily identifiable plane was not likely to be part of a covert diplomatic mission, what’s it doing there?  Isn't it possible the Bank of Utah foreclosed on Malaysia Flight 370 and then took it to Earl Scheib?

Michaels is reporting a new security breach affecting as many as 3 million of its customers. Apparently the hackers were pretty crafty, which makes sense.

I thought it was wonderful that Pope Francis prayed for Peace on Easter Sunday – but did he HAVE to drop all those “Game of Thrones” spoilers?  
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1789, John Adams became our country's first vice president. He took the job after deciding he was tired of doing things.

In 1836, Texas gained it's independence when Sam Houston beat Santa Ana in double overtime.

Happy half-price chocolate day! Time to go hit those “after 4-20” sales! I think I stumbled across an updated version of “Ten Commandments” yesterday. In this one, Moses was promised that his tablets wouldn't be obsolete in six months.

Britain's Queen Elizabeth turns 88 today, she gets her actual birthday AND an observed birthday. Figures the chick who doesn’t work for a living gets two extra personal days. Birthday plans include the Queen touring major tourist sites. Wow! I hope Adam Lambert is with them on this leg. Sadly, the Queen reportedly has a tummy bug on her big day. Palace staff say they haven’t seen royal skid marks that bad since that tunnel in Paris.

The crew aboard the International space station received a much needed delivery from a Space X Dragon capsule on Easter Sunday. Along with necessary supplies, there were Easter baskets for the astronauts which included candy, non-leaking space suits and plans for a new space program along with a “how to speak Chinese” pamphlet.

And … There's a new 50th Anniversary edition of the Ford Mustang. All of the colors have a little bit of gray on the edges and it occasionally forgets why it went into the garage.
 
Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 18 2014 7:49AM
NASA’s Kepler program has discovered the most Earth-like planet to date. They say it’s nearly identical to our Blue Marble in key ways; it’s inhabited by annoying people and gas is 3.55 a gallon.

The Coast Guard has seized $350 million worth of cocaine in plastic-covered bails that were just floating in the Caribbean.  Courtney Love is demanding a cut of the blow, because she was the one who spotted it while searching for Malaysia flight 370.

Some people are criticizing Pope Francis for giving a couple of 11-year-olds a ride in his Popemobile. So what? It's not like the Popemobile has a bumper-sticker that reads "Cash, Gas or Grass ... Nobody Rides for Free."

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date in 1775 that Paul Revere made his famous midnight ride. That was the "eleven o'clock ride" Central.
On this date in 1955 Physicist Albert Einsten died. He had a theory, but it was all relative.

Today is national Pet Owners Independence Day! Awesome! We're going to celebrate by sleeping and eating all day long.

A new study by CareerCast.com says the worst job in the world is being a lumberjack. Really? I would have thought the worst job in the world would be in HealthCare.Gov tech support, Joe Biden's damage-control guy or working the complaint desk at Malaysia Airlines.  So you're a lumberjack and you're NOT okay? The study ranks newspaper reporter as the 2nd worst job in the world. Apparently, the newspaper business is in such rough shape, after you finish writing your articles, you have to deliver the newspapers. That new CareerCast.com study goes onto say that Jefferson County is DOING the worst job in the world.
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 17 2014 7:59AM
“And the words of the nut-jobs were written on the restroom walls ... in Auburn’s halls.”  Classes resume at Auburn today after being cancelled due to what authorities call “an unsubstantiated threat” found in a campus bathroom. Also found in the campus bathroom; the number you should call for a good time. It was Jenny @ 867-5309.


CNN “All plane, all the time” is reporting that those faint pings from the black boxes at the bottom of the ocean are now too weak to be monitored. If that doesn't make sense to you, it’s a lot like the ratings for CNN. Meanwhile, relatives of missing Flight 370 passengers stormed out of a status update in Beijing after a series of technical glitches kept bringing the meeting to a halt.   The Chinese government apologized saying they accidentally logged onto HealthCare.gov.


Over 100 girls were abducted from a boarding school in northeast Nigeria. This breaks the record for abducting girls from boarding schools set by Bill Clinton as a student at Georgetown University.


Ukrainian forces clashed with pro-Russian protesters, killing three of them. Russian President Vladimir Putin says, “There are no Russians in Eastern Ukraine.” Ummm. Yes there are. When did Putin start doing Baghdad Bob impressions? If Russia prepares for war the way it prepared for the Winter Olympics, we shouldn’t have anything to worry about.


And a few things you need to know …

 
Houston we have a movie plot! On this date in1970, the astronauts of Apollo XIII splashed safely down in the Pacific; four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled their spacecraft. I don’t have a punch line for this story. My Apollo-gies. 


On this date in 1492, Spain's King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella gave the official "Go" to Christopher Columbus to go and search for the new world. They supported him so much; they even waved the carry on fee. Here’s to Columbus for getting as lost as every user of Apple Maps!


Kate Upton told an interviewer that she hates her boobs. OK, there's one vote.


Peach lovers may have to wait for their favorite crop this year because a late March freeze caused major damage and peaches might not be available until July. "I wouldn't complain about it if I were you," said Bob Geldoff.


Vice President Joe Biden has agreed to dress up as the Easter Bunny for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, as long as Malia and Sasha promise not to sing, "Here Comes Peter Cotton Fail."


And … A new study says that human beings reach their cognitive peak at age 24. That's why the comedy writer I have chained in my basement is only 20. And obviously I gave him the week off – because none of this is very good. 

 
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 16 2014 7:30AM

Time to get out and hit those “After Tax Day Sales,” also known as the “Pre-Audit Sales!” This should be "National Promise Never to Put Off Doing Taxes Until The Last Minute Again" Day.

It was perfectly clear last night, for NO Blood Moon. Thanks for nothing, sky! Just curious but if you go to Denny's and order the "Moon Over My Hammy" and then pour ketchup on it, is that a "Blood Moon Over My Hammy"?  "Blood Moon" to me sounds like something that would happen on "Game of Thrones." No spoilers here but I read the books that the HBO show has mostly caught up to. You should have figured out by now never to attend a wedding held in Westeros.

Ukraine launched a military operation against pro-Russia separatists despite warnings from Moscow to leave the insurgents alone. By Easter Sunday, a full-on war could break out. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Ukraine, "We will Cadbury you."*   Making matters worse in Ukraine, President Obama is sending Joe Biden to assist Secretary of State John Kerry in working out a diplomatic solution. It will be a critical break from Biden’s current assignment: watching Cartoon Network.

And a few things you need to know…

On this day in 1956, solar-powered radios first went on sale! Although they probably shouldn't have introduced them at night.

Beef prices have hit a record high. This is bad news for everybody except vegetarians and Dr. Hannibal Lecter.  The CEO of Taco Bell says, "Our prices will stay the same; but the 'meat' might taste a little different." Industry analysts blame the soaring prices on the cost of funding the Bureau of Land Management's ongoing war against cattle ranchers.

Rapper Flavor Flav has copped a plea deal on domestic violence charges in exchange for avoiding a jail sentence. So, Flavor Flav will still have a clock around his neck, but he won't be doing time.

And … A team of scientists studying an ancient papyrus fragment that quotes Jesus Christ personally referring to "my wife," say it is not a fake. I guess what happens in Canaan doesn't stay in Canaan! So, we found Jesus's marriage license but we still can't find that missing plane?

 * Khrushchev, Sting and Easter all in one reference! Hope you packed a lunch!  
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