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Posts from April 2014
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 30 2014 7:53AM
Now that the severe weather has left us, we can resume complaining about the pollen. Last night’s storms sparked heavy flooding in Florida. The real estate market there is now literally as well as figuratively under water. The flooding in the famous Foley outlet center is so bad; several locals are STILL stuck on the escalator.  

LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling is banned from the NBA for life after making racist comments on tape. It was so offensive, even Paula Deen has unfollowed him on Twitter. The lifetime ban is considered the longest sentence in NBA history, because it includes the last minute of every 4th quarter. This guy’s a huge racist; I hear his whole klan is the same way. Sterling's world is crashing in around him. I mean, we all have our crosses to bear, but his are on fire.

Executions in Oklahoma are on hold after they managed to botch the execution of one inmate. How do you screw up an execution? Americans should know how to kill people by now!

The Ukraine Prime Minister is still saying Russia wants to start World War III. I'd rather they start World War Z because we've got Brad Pitt and know how that one turns out.

Breaking news while we were coping with severe weather: they found the plane. Kinda.  Or they didn’t.

Pfizer is offering $100 billion for Astra Zeneca, who I believe is a shortstop for the Marlins.
 
And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States. He began by blaming all of the country's problems on the previous administration.

This day back in 1904, the ice cream cone made it's world debut. And we don't get this day off as a holiday?
A new study says that stress is a major trigger of depression. That's depressing. Wow, suddenly I feel so stressed!
George Clooney is engaged. I believe if you check Revelation, you'll see that's one of the seven signs. His bride-to-be will have THE most amazing pre-nup in Hollywood history.

And … The cast of the new Star Wars movie is complete! Die hard fans are warning JJ Abrams NOT to screw the film up. What could he do to mess it up that Lucas hasn’t already done? Three words: Jar Jar Returns. Hey, while I’ve got you here …You know what you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett! Laugh at my silly jokes you will! 
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 28 2014 8:21AM
 
I’m likely camping out at the station again thanks to the threat of severe weather in Alabama. Here are Lisa’s Handy Tips for Storm Season:

Overreact.
Panic Buy.
Drive like an idiot.
Call in sick.
Tell Facebook it’s raining and Instagram every cloud formation that looks vaguely threatening after you slap 5 filters on it. 
 
Pro-Russian separatists on Sunday seized control of the state television in eastern Ukraine. Maybe we could hire the separatists to run the TV networks over here? Meanwhile those left in Ukraine with time to watch TV will be missing their “Falcon Crest” reruns.   

So the owner of a professional sports team said something stupid? I’m shocked. SHOCKED! Was it “Sure we can trade Wes Welker to the Patriots, we don’t really need him anyway” because THAT was pretty dumb. The Clipper players staged a silent protest during warm up. They did a silent protest because staging a noisy protest could cost them their jobs ... and the depth of people’s feelings about a situation is directionally proportional to how much money they make at it.

A woman visiting Disneyland with her marine husband was asked by a male employee to cover up because she was showing too much cleavage. Disney workers first became aware of the woman when the Bill Clinton robot in the Hall of Presidents kept hitting on her. What’s the dealio, Disney? No one has to cover up at Dollywood! 

A very busy day at the Vatican. Pope Francis has declared Popes John the 23rd and John Paul the second, saints. It was THE most exciting results show of “So You Think You can Saint” ever.

Final results for the Afghani presidential election won't be in until mid-May, and it's widely expected that the leader, Abdullah Abdullah, and the 2nd place finisher will go into a runoff. It’s better than the North Korean elections, where the 2nd place finisher goes into a wood-chipper.

And a few things you need to know…

Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun on this date in 1945. Two days later, they committed suicide. Pretty odd way of getting out of writing thank you notes for the wedding presents.

On this date in 1919, the very first successful parachute jump was made. Obviously by someone who had absolutely nothing with the previous jump attempts.

A donut shop is opening up in New York, offering low-calorie donuts. Yep, THAT’S what this country was missing.
Scientists say they've found a fossil of a shrimp-like sea creature that lived 520 million years ago with an exquisitely preserved heart and blood vessels that represent the oldest-known cardiovascular system. Although, creationists say it's just a bunch of abalone.

And … An Arizona woman has been arrested on bestiality charges after she tried to arrange “a date” with a horse on Craigslist. The woman thought the horse was a real stud but you wouldn't be caught dead at their bridle shower. What a sick woman...You don't look for a stable relationship with a horse on Craigslist.  
by Lisa Mason posted Apr 25 2014 7:31AM
Ukraine’s Prime Minister says Russia is trying to start World War 3. Wow! We’d better hurry up and send Russia that harsh letter we’ve been threatening to start writing.
 
A Virgin Australia flight to Indonesia sent out a hijacking distress call, turns out the problem was a drunken passenger banging on the cockpit door. Drunk and disorderly is usually referred to as “Thursday” in Australia. Once the flight landed safely, the passenger was brought before officers who told him, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” To which the passenger responded, “Ace, Mate! Let’s get to it then!”
 
Not to get off on ANOTHER Mt Everest rant, but Nepal is now attempting to negotiate with the Sherpas who left the mountain after an avalanche killed 16 of the famous guides. Who knew Sherpas were unionized? Anyway, the government of Nepal is telling would-be climbers at Base Camp that they can still attempt the climb without the Sherpas and that “it’s relatively safe to make a summit attempt” alone. LOL.   It’s a trap!
 
President Obama wants to reduce the sentences of thousands of criminals serving long federal prison sentences because of what he calls unfair laws. In a related story, the Oakland Raiders have been issued the most difficult schedule for the 2014 NFL season. Maybe the Raiders can plea their schedule down to something more lenient.
 
Georgia has a new law allowing licensed gun owners to carry firearms into bars, some government buildings, schools and churches. Churches? Now every marriage will be a shotgun wedding! From now on, Georgia will be known as the "There Were No Survivors, State." I can’t believe they didn’t include airplanes on the list. Nothing like a warning shot to keep that kid from kicking the back of your seat. Of course, there would be that exorbitant bullet-carry-on fee…
 
Need more proof that humans need dogs in order to communicate with each other? Here. A blind man and blind woman in Britain, who started dating after their guide dogs became friends, have gotten married in a ceremony where the dogs acted as ring bearers. I bet neither one of them saw THIS coming!
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1684, a patent was granted for the thimble. A thimble is something is used in a mysterious practice known as "sewing." Not exactly sure what that is, but I know a needle is involved. Must have something to do with drugs.
 
On this date in 1792, a robber became the first person under French law to be executed by the guillotine. He didn't let that go to his head though. The guillotine was a new innovation then, it was the featured item of the day on the Home Chopping Network.
 
A study from England claims the average British man keeps a pair of underwear for 7-years. But remember, we're talking British guys, so it's not necessarily men's underwear.
 
A "Duck Dynasty Live" show, scheduled for Missouri this weekend, has been canceled due to poor ticket sales. I guess they’re all quacked up.

And … Catholics around the world are seeking clarification from the Vatican after Pope Francis phoned a divorced woman to tell her she can receive Communion. And to make things even more complicated, that woman is now demanding half of her ex-husband's Communion.
Filed Under :
Location : GeorgiaMissouri
People : FrancisObama
by Kori White posted Apr 24 2014 2:43PM

5 ways to avoid social media disaster

via rss.cnn.com

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by Kori White posted Apr 24 2014 2:39PM

AT&T looks to expand super-fast Internet service

via news.msn.com

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by Lisa Mason posted Apr 24 2014 8:18AM
There will be no Sherpa-guided climbs on Mt. Everest for the rest of the climbing season to honor the 16 Sherpas who died in an avalanche last week. You're doomed without the Sherpas. I don't suppose there's a bunny hill, or an escalator?  I’m fascinated by Everest. It’s the mountain equivalent of the Venus fly trap – luring unqualified climbers to easily preventable deaths.
 
President Obama is in Tokyo, Japan, this week. Someone should have told him the Tea Party is a little different there.
 
Mt Everest makes me wonder … if I built a corridor full of rotating blades and saws and poison gas, and charged $100k for the privilege of running through it would the “adventure tourists” flock to it?
 
Doctors in the UK are now manufacturing blood cells. This is a revolution in medicine that will allow us to live longer healthier lives if we manage to not blow ourselves up with nuclear weapons.
 
Backing up Joe Biden’s peace mission to Ukraine, President Obama has called on Russia to abide by international norms. Biden responded by shouting, "Norms!"
 
You know the dead bodies of most climbers stay on Everest forever? There’s one nicknamed “Green Boots” that is used as a trail marker before you get to the summit. THEY USE CORPSES AS TRAIL MARKERS. Why would you want to spend a college tuition for the chance to turn into a people-sickle in a $500 The North Face jacket?
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
Christmas Eve is exactly 8 months away. Just sayin'…
 
On this date in 1888, the Kodak camera was released.  Everyone was excited to see what developed.
 
Today is “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day.”  We should have a take our kids to OTHER people’s work day so they don’t end up like us. And why are dogs excluded? Chad in accounting can bring his twin boys who, by the way, both have strep throat but I can’t bring Hera? So unfair.
 
Don’t get me wrong on Everest: I love adventure travel. I just love it someplace warm with a pool nearby. Who wants to see a blinding white endless hell of hypoxia? #LetItGo
 
A new elevator is being installed in a Chinese skyscraper that will travel at speeds of 45 MPH, reaching the 95th floor in just 43 seconds. That's more like a thrill ride! How tall do you have to be to ride that elevator?
 
One of my coworkers just called me a “chicken” for my continued Everest whining. Not at all! I hope to die a valiant, adventurous death … but I’ll probably end up choking on a spoonful of frosting after tripping over the dog.
 
The New York Yankee’s pitcher was ejected in the 2nd inning of a game in Boston after the Red Sox alerted umpires that he had a blob of pine tar resin smeared on his neck. It's amazing. They can find brownish-amber blotches on Yankee pitcher's necks but they can't find Flight 370. Go figure.
 
Seriously, I do not understand the Everest obsession. Rocks, snow and brain death from the lack of oxygen. You know, awe inspiring crap. 
Filed Under :
Location : BostonNew YorkTokyo
People : Joe BidenObama
by Kori White posted Apr 23 2014 1:39PM

Cost of Attending a Wedding Surges 75 Percent

via feeds.nbcnews.com

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by Kori White posted Apr 23 2014 1:39PM

Researchers use Twitter to predict crime

via news.msn.com

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by Kori White posted Apr 23 2014 1:38PM

Apple, Google vie to offer exclusive game apps: WSJ

via news.msn.com

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by Kori White posted Apr 23 2014 1:38PM

Study: Fuels from corn waste not better than gas

via news.msn.com

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