Posts from May 2014
by Lisa Mason
posted May 30 2014 8:05AM
Sorry, no snake jokes today. Have a picture of a bear holding a wolf instead.
News reports of President Obama's speech at the West Point Military Academy described the reception he received as "icy" and "chilly" The audience was so cold toward his speech; Obama started singing “Let It Go.”
Meanwhile, the President says he’ll have a "serious conversation" with Veterans Affairs' Secretary Eric Shinseki about the deplorable state of the VA. Word is he’s threatening to fire Shinseki and replace him with a more capable figurehead: Kathleen Sibelius.
Love her or hate her, this is just rude; anti-Hillary Clinton slogans and buttons are popping up nationwide, and most of them aren't very pretty (You can make your own joke here). Among "I'm a Hillary Hater." And that’s just the one Bill Clinton came up with.
For the first time since it vanished in early March, no one is out looking for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Australia says they’ve found nothing concrete. Oh please someone tell them they were supposed to be looking for something made of aluminum!
A 2 BILLION DOLLAR deal has been inked to buy the LA Clippers from the Sterling Trust. The guy who used to run Microsoft will be the new owner – beating out a group that included Oprah Winfrey. It’s for the best because if Oprah was in charge she’d force the team to join her book club. So Donald Sterling upset everyone by making an ignorant comment to his ignorant girlfriend, and is now a billion dollars richer because of it? Mission Accomplished? Word is, Sterling will use his half of the money to buy the Redskins. No controversy there! If Sterling would just kiss Michael Sam on live TV we could put all this behind us. 2 billion, really? Hang on, what happens if the Microsoft guy says something off-colour and is forced to sell the team? How much will HE make? Then if the NEXT guy says something offensive – what’s the price tag then? Wait. I think I just found a way to solve the national debt: we’ll just keep selling the Clippers!
Reese's Peanut Butter Oreo cookies are out, but they're available just for a limited time. Just like the people who eat too many Reese's Peanut Butter Oreo cookies. Which someone should seek out and then deliver unto me. For research.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1431, Joan of Arc was burned at the stake. The French described her as a "rare woman." The English described her as more "medium-rare."
In 1539, De Soto landed in Florida after his Carnival Cruise ship broke down.
A new study claims that being skeptical may cause dementia. I'm afraid to not believe the report.
Kim Kardashian says her official married name is "Kim Kardashian West." The NAACP says that's a lot better than her first choice, "Kim Kardashian Kanye."
Manuel Uribe from Mexico, once lauded as the heaviest person in the world at 1,230 pounds, has died at age 48. They're trying to find the 6 people he hated the most to be the pall bearers.
Oh fine. I lied. You know what a snake takes when it has a headache? An ASP-rin. Snakes make great pets for creepy people who don’t want to dress their animals up. Without clothes, they’re always Snaked.
And … A New York City rapper named Carlton Carter has been arrested as part of an identity theft ring. Carter and his co-conspirator, Thomas Luckey were busted with over 300 pairs of bogus Air Jordans when they were arrested. I can see how the cops easily could get Carter, but they had to stay up ALL night to get Luckey. That was a freakishly long way to go for a Daft Punk reference that three people will understand. Seriously, the wait for that punch line was almost as long as the one for medical treatment at the VA.
Filed Under :
Bill Clinton, Carlton Carter, Eric Shinseki, Hillary Clinton, Kathleen Sibelius, Kim Kardashian, Manuel Uribe, Michael Sam, Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Thomas Luckey
by Lisa Mason
posted May 29 2014 8:09AM
President Obama announces a shift in foreign policy. Does this mean we’re going to shift to having one?
Officials searching for Malaysian Airlines flight 370 say the plane is definitely NOT where they’ve been looking. No kidding? Now, Thai satellites have picked up numerous “objects” in a different area where the plane could have gone down. Yeah, those “objects” would be all the boats out looking for the plane.
Apparently having his father die from a rattlesnake bite wasn't enough to keep 21-year-old Cody Coots from away from the family business. The fourth-generation Kentucky snake handler is now recovering from his own rattlesnake bite. Just my opinion here – but these snake handlers have incredibly strange POISON-alities. Oh come on, that joke was HISS-terical!
Celebrated author and poet Maya Angelou has died at the age of 86. Her work is legendary, but I've ALWAYS known why the caged bird sings. It's trying to cover up the sounds made by the other caged birds that are digging the escape tunnel. (That’s what I learned from “Hogan’s Heroes” anyway). Though she's gone, Maya's beautiful words and her Illinois Democratic voter registration will live on forever.
I can’t wait for the June 3rd primary – because then these obnoxious ads will stop running. Based on their content, President Obama is deeply interested in the 6th Congressional seat since he’s featured in every stinking ad. Must be a nice golf course there. You know what you call a snake running for office? A “civil serpent.”
A negligence case against UPS will go forward after all. The suit claims UPS caused emotional anguish and property damage to residents when a cargo plane crashed outside Birmingham-Shuttlesworth last year. The two pilots onboard Flight 1354 died in the crash, yet an attorney for the plaintiffs says UPS needs to do “the right thing.” There’s a special name for the people who filed this suit.*
Hey! Know what kind of snake has the cleanest car? A windshield viper.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee is underway in our Nation's Capital. Or is that our Nation's Capitol? I can never get that one right. Heck, I can’t even spell “Scrips.” The youngest person to qualify for the Bee is a 9-year-old boy. His parents told him not to feel any pressure to win --although if he doesn't, he’ll be G-R-O-U-N-D-E-D.
And a few things you need to know …
Wisconsin became our 30th state on this date in 1848. That was also the day they chose the official state song, "What a Friend We Have in Cheeses."
Former NFL star Aaron Hernandez was in court yesterday, miraculously no one was killed. He’s pleaded not-guilty to the 2012 double homicide that stemmed from a spilled drink. Hernandez still faces charges of armed assault and attempted murder in that case along with a separate murder charge and another attempted murder charge. Just a matter of time before this guy ends up on war crimes charges at The Hague.
Do you know which hand you use to pick up a snake? Someone else’s.
Following weeks of speculation, Apple is definitely buying the Dr. Dre company, Beats Electronics. The price tag? $3 billion. Well, there’s ONE doctor making money in the age of ObamaCare.
Brad Pitt was punched in the face during the premier of Angelina’s new film “Maleficent.” The culprit is a creepy personality from overseas who does stuff like this as a prank. He’s now in jail. Because the first rule of Fight Club …
A German newspaper is under fire for publishing a picture of Kate Middleton's bare hiney that was exposed during a wind gust. Most males report they’re offended every time they download the picture again.
iPhone hackers in Australia figured out a way to break into phones internationally and demand up to $100 to unlock them. Yeesh! This is what you get when you turn a penal colony into a country!
And … a baby snake found in the Shoal Creek subdivision is in CPS custody after asking his mother, “Mommy, are we poisonous?” “Yes dear. Why?” was the reply. “Because I just bit my tongue.” The mother snake, charged with negligence, says the case is ADDER-ly rediciloussssss.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 28 2014 8:00AM
The majority of US troops will be pulled out of Afghanistan. You know – I always wondered why Afghanistan is the first country in a website drop-down box. They only have half a million internet users on dial up and Amazon doesn’t carry detonators.
You might think politics has nothing to do with entertainment, but Last Thursday's military coup in Thailand cost everyone there a Taylor Swift concert. So THAT’s how we get her to stop! Can we plan a coup wherever Kimye is staying?
If you missed it, President Obama marked Memorial Day with a visit to Arlington National Cemetery and the Tomb of the Unknowns, where he laid a wreath. Maybe he should have visited a VA hospital, where he's laid an egg.
US Marine Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi is still being held at Tijuana's La Mesa Penitentiary, some form of third-world hearing is set for today. Mexican officials claim he was running guns over the Mexican boarder. Isn’t it curious Mexican officials say they have a boarder, while US officials won’t acknowledge that we have one?
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1930, Neville Chamberlain became the prime minister of Britain. He was 7 feet tall and quite the ladies man. Oh, wait: that was Wilt Chamberlain. Nevermind.
The oldest American woman has turned 115 years old in Detroit. Well, 115 for us, 145 in Detroit years.
Orlando, Florida has been listed as the most dangerous city for pedestrians. A city spokesman was quoted as saying, "Hey, if they don't like how we drive, then stay off of the sidewalks!"
Beginning next month, Washington State's 14,000 parolees will legally be able to smoke pot. What could possibly go wrong?
And … Pope Francis met with Jewish and Muslim leaders in the Middle East. The good news is, they all found something they can agree on. The bad news is; it's that my news isn’t funny today.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 27 2014 8:29AM
I hope your Memorial Day went well. It's that very special day of the year when Americans honor our fallen soldiers by getting arrested for drunken boating and having mattress sales.
Nigeria’s defense chief says his military had located nearly 300 school girls abducted by extremists, but that they will not attempt to free them by force. So now Boco Haram knows that Nigeria knows but knows they aren’t going to do anything about it.
Just when this story falls off everyone’s radar … Under pressure for more information from families of those lost aboard Malaysia Flight 370, the Malaysian government is releasing raw satellite data. They believe the data proves the missing plane is in the Indian Ocean. I’m going to go out on a limb here, but has anyone searched BACK at the Malaysian airport? Worth a shot …
President Obama’s halfhearted VA scandal apology still doesn’t sit well with many Americans … Diehard fans of "The Price is Right" were outraged last week when the show was interrupted by Obama’s “It’s Bush’s fault” speech. Conservatives jumped on their own bandwagon, saying President Obama would have NEVER interrupted a show called "The Price is Left."
Francesco's Pizzeria in Mumbai claims to be the first in the world to use drones for deliveries, saying it could solve the extremely first world problem of delivering food before it gets cold. All I ever hear is “Mumbai this,” “Mumbai that.” Why don’t kids ask their dads to buy things?
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1919, the first pop up toaster was invented. You can imagine how useless Pop Tarts were up until then.
Today is Henry Kissinger's 91st birthday, although he negotiated it down to just 81. Dang, he's good.
Happy belated birthday to actor Peter Cushing. Charming … to the last.
You can't argue with science. Apparently, women who are cheered up by a circus clown after receiving in vitro fertilization are 16% more likely to get pregnant. And women who are cheered up by Ronald McDonald are 16% more likely to get fat. Should we really be bringing circus performers into our hospital rooms? I don't want some government acrobat coming between me and my doctor.
Donald Sterling has agreed to release control of the L.A. Clippers to his wife, Shelly Sterling, who will then negotiate the sale of the team. So Shelly Sterling is surely selling. All we need is a seashore! Meanwhile, Donald is now under investigation for evading taxes on several properties which are still "owned" by his grandmother -- who died back in 1966. Let me guess, one of the properties is the Bates Motel.
And… Talentless hack Kim Kardashian and professional egomaniac Kanye West got married over the weekend. Now Kanye, Imma letchoo finish – but Beyonce had the best wedding of all time. OF ALL TIME!
by Lisa Mason
posted May 23 2014 7:21AM
Have a great weekend, may your Memorial Day travels be less delayed than our veterans’ medical treatment! President Obama says someone WILL be held accountable for the disastrous situation at the VA. Right now he’s considering firing someone at the NSA for not sharing all the phone records about the scandal he somehow didn't know about, even though he campaigned for VA reform. Y'know, I’m willing to bet they have some great and prompt healthcare at Gitmo if you’re on the other side of the bars.
The U.N. Security Council has approved sanctions against Boko Haram, the Al Qaeda-linked terror organization that has killed hundreds in Nigeria and abducted more than 300 school girls last month. Woah, look out! They’re sending a strongly-worded letter! Seeing as how no one can find where the group is camped, how is that harsh note going to be delivered? I’m sure the guys in Boko Haram are positively trembling in fear, especially since Hashtag Diplomacy is letting them know that people kinda sorta care that #WeWantStuffDone and #WeWillSanctionYou because of it. I can’t believe they’re not rushing to surrender; Michelle Obama even Tweeted about this!
What Ernest Hemmingway once described as the "World Series" of bullfighting in Spain, had to be suspended after bulls gored the top three matadors in front of a sold out bull ring. This is the first time the Bulls have won anything since Michael Jordan retired.
A study says that deadly germs can live in airplane cabins for up to a week and that even they will complain about the leg room and the food.
50 U.S. Senators sent a letter to Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, demanding that he change the name of his football team. And to save postage, they also included their luxury box renewal checks.
The Cullman County Health Department is investigating a strange liquid, and a foul smell seeping from a crypt at Cullman Memory Gardens. This is a grave matter, someone should dig into it.
New York City Fleet Week started Wednesday, and ends Tuesday morning when all the ships depart. Well, unless Chris Christie has the harbor blocked.
After studying the histories of victims, disease investigators have determined that most of the people who became infected with the MERS virus in the Middle East were camel handlers. I don't even want to know what these guys do with their camels on hump day. I think I'd walk a mile to avoid a camel.
The cosmos has aligned, quite literally, for families, space geeks and insomniacs alike, as the Earth is set to intercept a new meteor shower late tonight into Saturday. About 1 - 3 AM look up and you might see the Camelopardalis shower.. Remember, a meteor that hits the planet is called a “meteorite” – the ones that miss are called “meteorwrongs.”
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1430, Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians, who sold her to the English where they held a roast in her honour. Most people don’t know she was captured and sold to the English for two future draft picks, plus a Saint to be named later.
On this date in 1785, Ben Franklin wrote a letter, claiming to have invented bifocals. The letter was blurry on the top, but clear on the bottom.
They now have Viagra for woman. The little pink pill claims to boost women’s desire. Stupid scientists! Why waste the research money on pills when you could have just bought a chocolate cupcake and something from Tiffany’s and been done? Morans!
The Batman/Superman movie now has a name: "Batman versus Superman: Dawn of Justice." Obviously, because of top billing, Batman has a better agent. Sounds like a lot of B/S. The movie is already filming in Detroit. Must be shooting the "world has already come to an end" scenes.
"Game of Thrones" is scouting locations for their upcoming season in Spain. "G.O.T.," stay away from the plain. We wouldn't want rain to cancel the "Game."
Fairly drunk and Unbalanced, Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett was arrested at a Bar inside the Minneapolis Airport. I didn’t know this guy moved to Fox News from MSNBC. At least now when he gets fired, there will be viewers who actually miss him. Whoever he is.
And … Prince Phillip had minor surgery on his right hand last week after suffering an undisclosed injury. My guess is Camilla bit him when he reached his hand into her oat-bucket.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 22 2014 7:40AM
Pets all around the country are dying from eating unspecified chicken "jerky style" pet treats made in China. Or, as Russian President Vladimir Putin calls poison pet food, "pet food." Petco just announced they’d stop selling Chinese Death Treats, great. How about stop selling the garbage that uses ingredients SOURCED from China too?
The six young Iranians arrested after posting a video of themselves dancing to the insipid Pharrell song “Happy,” have been bailed out of jail. They’re lucky they were in Iran, I would have had them executed by Chinese Death Treats.
Change your password – eBay has been hacked! I haven’t used eBay in a long time because it’s too hard to find what you want. I went looking for lighters and the results said there were 15 thousand matches.
A federal judge in Pennsylvania has struck down the state's ban on same-sex marriage. A gay advocate in Hershey, Pennsylvania said, "Now it's my way AND the Highway."
President Obama promises “a forceful response” to the widening scandal at the Department of Veteran’s Affairs. We had to wait three weeks for him to blame the situation on President Bush, how much longer till we see this “forceful response?” Where has Obama been for six years? He’s still President isn't he? He campaigned on this issue, he was on the Senate's VA committee, but it seems he only will take action on the problem since the scandal hit the news. He’ll probably blame the whole mess on a YouTube video next.
They've sent beekeepers to the scene of an accident in Delaware, in which a truck rolled over releasing 20 million angry bees. No one knows why the bees were angry but it’s probably something to do with income inequality and the minimum wage. The beekeepers will try and use the Queens to help round up the insects, and if that doesn't work they'll resort to plan bee. I can't bee-lieve I said that. I should have just let it bee.
And a few things you should at least pretend to know today…
On this date in 1892, a British dentist invented the tube of toothpaste. Isn't that amazing? Who knew Britain had dentists? It’s equally amazing how people who absolutely incorrectly squeeze the tube in the middle always marry people who squeeze their tube from the end.
A new study claims that San Francisco is more likely to be rattled by a series of earthquakes. Wow, way to go out on the skinny branches there.
McDonald's is offering yogurt as an option with its Happy Meals. To help it fit in, they're going to call it “fruit ketchup.”
It's said that Beyonce` has made peace with her sister, Solange. Oh thank you Baby Jesus! And in other irritating news, whoever Brody Jenner is, he’s not going to Kim Kardashian’s wedding because his family didn’t invite his girlfriend of 7 months. Hi, Brody! Please enjoy one of these fine Chinese dog treats. Poor Kim, still trying to find a dress, complained online that “nothing looks good” on her. I disagree; a piano dropped from three stories up would look GREAT on her. Meanwhile, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are under investigation from Child Protective Services after a picture of their 13 year old daughter lying in bed with some 20 year old actor went viral. The real crime here is why anybody cares what the Smiths are doing. Though it DOES sound like the kid’s about to have to go live with her Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air.
Paul McCartney is in a Tokyo hospital with a viral infection. He’s cancelled his Japan tour as well as upcoming dates in South Korea. It’s surprising since his latest tour is a sellout … accompanied by five session musicians.
And … Why am I so proud to say I'm not watching “I wanna marry Harry?"
by Lisa Mason
posted May 21 2014 7:20AM
Since we busted them in the act, China has agreed to stop their cyber-spying. Now if we could get them to stop sending us toys with lead in them and poison pet food we’d be good.
Pope Francis will journey to the Holy Land this Saturday, along with a Rabbi and a Muslim sheik as his travel companions. No word yet if at any point the Pope, the Rabbi and the Muslim will walk into a bar, but I'm praying. When Joe Biden heard the Pope say he’d leave the Holy See to visit the Holy Land* as “a simple pilgrim,” the Vice President commented, "As a pilgrim? You need bigger buckles on your shoes and you're wearing the wrong kind of hat."
A new study on longevity says a woman's life expectancy in the U.S. is 81, while a man's is 76. Five more years? No fair! Women will have to suffer through 1 more presidential campaign than men do!
A band called Spirit, that played with Led Zeppelin in the 1960's, is accusing Zep of stealing the iconic opening riff of the classic hit, "Stairway to Heaven" from a Spirit song. I've listened to Spirit's version of the song, which predates Led Zeppelin's, and I must say ... the song remains the same.**
The 600 year old skeleton of a suspected vampire has been found in a small town in Poland. The vampire had a rock in his mouth and a wooden stake driven through his leg. Why was the stake driven through his leg instead of his heart? The vampire hunter apparently worked out of a VA hospital. Officials say this could well be a “vampire cemetery.” What? How do you find a vampire cemetery anyway? Take a left at the Unicorn sanctuary and a right at the Werewolf pound? If you run into zombies, you've gone too far.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1840, New Zealand was declared a British colony. That inspired the song, "Itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, brand-new colony of kiwi."
On this date in 1881, the American Red Cross was born. At first, the organization was a disaster. But, since that's what they help out with, it all worked out.
A blind football player will get a chance to play at Tulane. Referees have been doing it for years, but this would mark the first player.
St. Louis Rams coach Jeff Fisher says he will not hesitate to cut Michael Sam if he doesn't measure up on the field. Meanwhile, some football analysts say there's a better chance that Sam will marry his boyfriend than there is that Sam will make the roster of the Rams. So if you see Michael Sam down on one knee, there's a bigger chance that he's proposing than there is he's holding for an extra point.
Bad news for that Michael Jackson hologram from the Billboard Music Awards. It was so realistic, Dr. Conrad Murray wrote it a prescription.
And … Sir Paul McCartney has had to cancel all his concert dates in Japan because of a bad virus he picked up in South America. I hope it's nothing that Justin Bieber passed around when he was down there. Music lovers around the world are worried about McCartney’s health – but God’s jazzed because He’s just one virus away from a full-on Beatles reunion."
**Mom and Da: it’s a song title.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 20 2014 7:55AM
Any headlines written.
by Lisa Mason
posted May 19 2014 7:24AM
No real headlines today thanks to shocking news from the fashion world: socks and sandals are the “hot thing” for Summer. Seriously, the trend usually reserved for grandpa’s and tourists has popped up on all the major runways and many celebs are already rocking the look. Socks and Sandals – not just for old men on the beach with metal detectors anymore.
Just something you should know --
Over 1000 dog deaths, and three sickened humans, may now be linked to toxic jerky treats. The FDA isn’t sure of what exactly is sickening the pets, but say a common thread in the reported illnesses is that the pets ate a chicken or duck jerky treat, or a jerky-wrapped treat. And most of the questionable treats came from China. There is not one specific brand – just a link among ingredients. I’m a little annoyed all the news outlets are running this story and can’t name one brand! That’s like them telling us “A serial killer is on the loose and you’re at risk but we don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.” How is it supposed to know to put the lotion on it’s skin?
by Lisa Mason
posted May 15 2014 7:21AM
I didn’t bother much with the news today because some weeks the world just isn’t funny. Horrible things are happening and I can’t find the funny side; trapped miners, blazing fires, kidnapped girls and a major golf tournament going on right down the street from my office so traffic on 280 is something out of a twisted nightmare, spawned from the very heart of Pandæmonium. OK, so maybe the traffic situation doesn’t rank up there with everything else. Also: my studio is 6 degrees today and I’m NOT sitting in here to write. Carry on…
Republicans in the House are still calling for belt tightening in Washington. Of course, Democrats in Congress are going with their old standby, tightening Nancy Pelosi's face one more time.
A new study says the smell of a new baby has the same effect on women as chocolate. Yes, but you don't have to send chocolate to college.
Former San Diego State running back Adam Muema, who said God sent him a vision of being drafted by the Seattle Seahawks, says he's done with football after that didn't happen in the NFL draft. The problem is: Muema is dyslexic and it was actually his DOG that told him about the Seahawks. Muema, whom many believe is legitimately suffering from a mental disorder, says he now wants to fight in the MMA. I hope God tells him to just go get a job at McDonalds because this guy’s going to get knocked the heck out in the MMA.
Justin Bieber is being investigated on attempted burglary charges over an incident that occurred with a woman who was taking cell phone pictures of him at a miniature golf course. When Justin whined about the photos, cops decided to add "impersonating a clown's mouth" to their investigation.
And a (very) few things you need to know…
On this date in 1940, the first pair of Nylon stockings went on sale in the U.S. You pick the next line: In no time at all, there was a run on 'em. OR … Up until then, bank robbers had to wear masks.
On this date in 1942, gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 states. Each driver was allotted three gallons a week... which, these days, is all we can afford!
A new trend suggests that younger adults are less likely to relocate for a job. Try this one out -- yell, "Hey, why don't you go outside and mow the lawn?" See. They were right.
She might be rocking that gold bikini if she keeps up! To star in the new "Star Wars" film, Carrie Fisher has dropped at least 40-pounds. 240-pounds if you count her current boyfriend.
And … Pope Francis says if Martians ever landed on Earth, he’d be more than happy to baptize them. Martians better hope they land at the Vatican instead of Alabama, because if they landed here someone would probably shoot them, throw them on the grill and then report, “Yup, they taste just like chicken.”