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Posts from June 2014
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 30 2014 8:21AM
I don’t have much in the way of content or humor today, so enjoy the picture of upside down sleeping bunnies.

Watching all this World Cup on the computer at work is really cutting into my Facebook time at work. I was so excited Team USA was going to play tonight … until I actually looked at the dates on the World Cup schedule and realized that’s tomorrow. “World Cup fever” is honestly considered a disease over in China. They’ve set up a special clinic to treat those suffering from “World Cup Syndrome,” in which doctors are treating people for listlessness and insomnia stemming from the strange times the games are on. Anxiety and paranoia are also being attributed to the matches. Maybe there’s something to government health care after all – we could get doctor’s excuses to stay home and watch soccer!

President Obama is asking congress for $2 billion to deport the thousands of unaccompanied children who have illegally entered the country. Woah! $2 BILLION? Check one of those travel sites and you’d spend less to ship them home. We’ve got 52 thousand kids in question, if we bought each of them a first-class plane ticket home that’s just $104 million. Throw in Laser Eye Surgery and bartending classes and we’re up to $182,000,000. Instead of airfare I guess we’re buying each one a Nissan Altima?

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1936, Congress approved a 40-hour week. For others, of course, not themselves.

Psychiatrists have determined that “BladeRunner” Oscar Pistorious was NOT “mentally ill” at the time of his girlfriend’s murder. And the Oscar goes to … jail!

A new study has linked watching too much TV with an early death. Good thing we've cut back on TV and we're watching more movies!

J-Lo says she'd like Selena Gomez to portray her in a movie of her life story---the compelling tale of a marginally talented lip-syncher who rose to sit on the highest court in the land, a judgeship on "American Idol." It's really awe-inspiring.

Investigators have a new theory on what happened to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. They say the plane flew on autopilot for hours before crashing in the Indian Ocean , suggesting everyone on the plane was incapacitated by a loss of oxygen. Now that's just stupid. No matter how exorbitant it is, I always pay the in-flight oxygen fee. You really can't scrimp there.

New statistics show that since Colorado legalized recreational pot, marijuana DUI arrests have doubled. Also doubling were sales of Double Down sandwiches and Double-Stuffed Oreos.

And … word is Facebook manipulated the news feeds on hundreds of thousands of profiles as part of a psychological experiment. To those upset by this; I’m sorry embarrassing emotional details of your life were made public because you publically expressed them on Facebook. 
 
Filed Under :
Location : ColoradoIndian Ocean
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 27 2014 7:53AM
I haven’t been posting since I dropped my laptop. Oh sure there’s a computer here at work but the internet is NOT available on the computer I use to write. It takes three yoga moves and a step ladder to get to the place to upload my news and frankly, who wants to go through all that just for a bunch of World Cup jokes? Anyway, what I’m trying to say is ... if you actually noticed I haven’t posted, thanks! But after a week of computer problems on TOP of my broken laptop, and three more soccer matches waiting on the DVR, I hope you don’t expect much in the news.  
 
Congressional investigators say they’ve uncovered emails that show the I.R.S. was targeting a U.S. Senator. Sounds like it's about time for some more hard drive crashes.
 
Hillary Clinton's new book, "Hard Choices" isn’t selling well. Obviously, the decision to not write another book will be one of her easiest choices. Hey – did you hear producers are planning to stage a new musical about Bill Clinton? Let me suggest, "West Wing Story." "I like you to be in America, please vote for me in America. You’ll get stuff for free in America, if you vote for me in America.”
 
There have been so many illegal immigrants flooding into Texas that Doctors Without Borders has decided to stay home this year.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1955, Illinois became the first state to require seat belts. Actually, in the first bill, it was seat belts and garters. Times were different.
 
Evangelist Pat Robertson says tattoos – even Jesus or scripture tattoos – are only for heathens. Well, I'm glad he finally cleared that up. 
 
And… yes it’s time to talk soccer. Fleetwood Mac has a new hit out, “Don’t Flop Thinking About Tomorrow.” Meanwhile, conservative wackadoo Ann Coulter says “soccer is un-American." Oh please, when Americans watch soccer, the terrorists may not win, but they do tie and move into the knockout round. Remember – it’ not whether you win or lose but how a complicated point system forces certain teams to advance. If you missed it yesterday, the U.S. lost to Germany so they will advance to the knockout stage. Help me out here; why didn't we think to lose earlier? It could always be worse. With Ghana's disappointing World Cup performance, some players could be fired and end up digging for minerals in Ghana's mines. "Coooooooaaaaaallll!" 
 
Filed Under :
Topics : Sports
Location : IllinoisTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 23 2014 8:00AM
Today’s forecast for Iraq: mostly Sunni with a chance of additional gunfire.  Secretary of State John Kerry is in Baghdad today, because they need to get less done.  

Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory! The US gave up a last-minute goal to Portugal yesterday, ending their World Cup match in a tie. European teams are rather ticked at the US for doing so well in a sport we don’t even call “football” like the rest of the world. The US goalkeeper was so ashamed of Portugal’s score; he’s considering joining ISIS because their training camp seems very successful. Meanwhile, it’s great to see Team USA fans getting into the soccer spirit; they’ve already eclipsed SEC fans in the crazy-getup-on-national-TV category.

Lois Lerner is back before a House Committee today for another grilling on missing emails regarding the IRS targeting of conservative groups. Ms. Lerner is expected to testify that she accidentally traded her hard drive for 5 Gitmo prisoners.
 
Sugar prices are at an 8-month high. Oh, yeah, like that will slow us down.

Some uber-conservative groups are alleging that the immigrants flooding into America are bringing a plethora of Third World diseases that the CDC hasn’t dealt with in ages. At least we have a new Third World health plan to deal with those Third World diseases.

Kraft Foods is recalling thousands of pounds of Velveeta cheese. That's odd; I never realized Kraft was a subsidiary of General Motors. Kraft says you can get a refund for your tainted cheese, but you can’t get a coupon for free cheese because that would be considered impersonating the federal government.

The City of Anniston is considering a proposal to move City Hall, possibly to Arizona where it’s not so humid.
 
And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1848, Antoine Joseph Sax was awarded a patent for the saxophone. It was all he thought about. He was a regular sax maniac.

A woman in Virginia just graduated high school at the age of 111! Not sure if she's been accepted at a college yet, but good luck getting those student loans paid back.

HBO is going to offer a language course to teach "Game of Thrones" fans to speak the fictional language spoken on the show. Oh good, because my summer was just going to be spent watching soccer for a month, then waiting two more months for Game of Thrones to come back on.

Sunday night’s "Daytime Emmy Awards," hosted by Kathy Griffin, was limited to live streaming. It's about time Kathy Griffin got a chance to let her hair down without those pesky FCC restrictions. "The Young and the Restless" received 26 nominations! The only group of people to walk home with more hardware this week was ISIS.

And … I went to Huntsville over the weekend to hang with the parents. I’m from the Rocket City but have lived in Birmingham long enough to lose my natural Huntsville-driving techniques … so I’d like to apologize to everyone on the Parkway for using my turn signal to change lanes yesterday. In Huntsville – if you use a turn signal, they take it as a challenge. I saw more middle fingers than a manicurist because I was only going 70 in a 55.  It’s like they think they’re on the Autobahn; a sign will say “road ends in 1000 feet” but in Huntsville, they’ll say on it for another 2 miles. 
 
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 20 2014 7:45AM
 
There’s a good chance Team USA will win the World Cup. All we need is for Portugal and Germany to get killed in one of the riots. Remember; if you see or hear anything you don’t understand this month, just assume it’s something to do with soccer. Last year's World Cup champs, Spain, were eliminated this week. This tournament has turned into a regular "Game of DeThrones." England could be the next team eliminated and the players are asking themselves some tough questions like, “Have you finished packing your bags yet?”


The Bureau of Labor Statistics says last year Americans spent about twice as many hours sleeping on weekdays in 2013 as they did working. We probably would have wedged in more sleep at work if it weren't for that darn Facebook thing.


Hey, remember this? Inmarsat, a satellite company, says search crews have looked everywhere BUT the spot where Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 went down. While this may seem glaringly obvious, what Inmarsat means is that crews basically ignored one area that was pinpointed. No one is making Flight 370 jokes anymore, it’s like the story’s fallen off everyone’s radar.


89 year old Hans Breyer was arrested in Philadelphia on charges he was a Nazi death camp guard.  Standing trial in Germany, Breyer is being held in solitary confinement. Yep, he’s Hans Solo. Breyer reportedly worked at both Auschwitz AND Buchenwald. What? Did he get a transfer? “Say Hans, you’ve done such a goo- [EXPUNGED]. Yeah. I’m not even going to finish. I’m tired.


The Summer Solstice is tomorrow! Let’s celebrate like the Druids used to – skip work and hit the ‘Henge for a few drinks.


And … Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's divorce is final. J-Lo is now free to do what she's already been doing.

 
Filed Under :
Topics : Sports
Location : Philadelphia
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 19 2014 7:43AM
Arab nations are telling the White House to support the removal of Iraq’s government. Wait – isn’t this what the guys currently overrunning the country want? A government change? (So are we siding with ISIS now? That’s one of my favorite old TV shows, I think I still have the comics somewhere*). Americans are increasingly concerned about sending US troops back to Iraq, but President Obama says he's sure he can restore public confidence with one quick visit to Jimmy Kimmel’s show.


According to the mastermind who planned it, the attack on the Benghazi consulate in 2012 actually WAS inspired by that anti-Islamic YouTube video. Former White House press secretary Jay Carney said, "Even I thought we were lying about that. I guess you just get lucky sometimes.”


Al Gore is blaming unrest in the Middle East on Global Warming. O.K..? Maybe if it were Global Freezing the insurgents would stay indoors instead of sacking cities in Iraq.

 
The Team Formerly Known as the Washington Redskins is appealing the US Patent Office’s refusal of their trademark. So the Patent Office gave them the patent but then took it BACK? What a bunch of Indian givers! At least the team still retains their trademark on being absolutely terrible.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1917, as World War I raged on, England's King George V ordered the British royal family to get rid of all German titles and surnames. That's when the family took the name Windsor. Prince Adolph Schnitzengruber took it the hardest.
 

On this date in 1984, the movie rating PG-13 went into effect. It's an abbreviation that stands for "this R-rated movie is so good, more people should see it.”
 

For the second time this week, hundreds of ticketless fans swarmed the gates at the World Cup. 85 Chile fans were detained so they missed seeing their team knock Spain out of the competition; they were just too focused on Chile con CARNAGE!  
 

And … It was a dark night last night; Facebook was down for 30 minutes! I’m surprised modern society is still standing.  People were roaming the streets holding pictures of themselves up before total strangers asking “DO YOU LIKE THIS?” Stalkers had to stop clicking through my profile and stand outside my house with binoculars like the stalkers of old. People ate food without taking a picture of it! People went to the gym without checking in!  The horror … the horror…

 
*Please tell me I’m not the only one who remembers that series.


 
Filed Under :
Location : Middle EastWindsor
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 18 2014 7:52AM
Iraq and the militant group ISIS (ISIL) are holding their own World Cup outside of Baghdad right now, except they’re just going straight to sudden death.  As extremist militants seize control of Iraq’s largest oil refinery, President Obama says he’s sending an “elite team” to help; the Alabama Crimson Tide! Whooo! We’re going to Bagdad!  Roll Tide!
 
There’s finally been an arrest in the Benghazi attack. No it wasn’t Susan Rice. Or Hillary. Suspect Ahmed Abu Khatallah is described as “an independent filmmaker who loves YouTube and long walks on the beach.” Especially if he gets to kill you after that long walk and upload the footage to YouTube.
 
Embattled clippers owner Donald Sterling has hired four private investigators to dig up dirt on NBA commissioners and other owners. Unfortunately for Donald, the best stuff that came back was about him.
 
 And just a few (very few) more things you need to know …

 
On this date in 1873 Susan B. Anthony is fined $100 for attempting to vote in the 1872 presidential election. As punishment, her head was pictured on a very unpopular dollar coin. 

 
Having solved all their *real* issues, Congress is grilling Dr Oz because he promotes non-scientific weight-loss products on his show. Like anyone would fall for his schti—oh hey! They were all out of monk fruit powder midichlorians and Honduran insanity frogs but Dr OZ promised me a box of his poop would work just as well for weight-loss. Want me to grab one for you?
 
And … At the World Cup this week, Iran and Nigeria battled to a zero-zero scoreless tie. You're never getting those 2 and a half hours back. Nigeria has a better chance of getting those kidnapped girls back. I keep trying to think of a better punch-line for this, but I've got nothing. I say we decide this joke with penalty kicks.
Filed Under :
Location : BagdadBaghdad
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 17 2014 7:21AM
I can't predict the World Cup finals like some fantastical octopus did back in the day, but I CAN see into your future and I see no news blog in it today. 
Filed Under :
Topics : Human InterestSports
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 16 2014 7:54AM
First, let be the first to say I’m sorry your company doesn’t offer bereavement leave because of the death of your favorite characters on Game of Thrones last night.
 
As the White House confers with Iran on what to do about Iraq, they’ve FINALLY evacuated the American Embassy in Baghdad. About time! That took longer than waiting on Jefferson County to close schools because it looks like rain. What does this mean for the US? An excuse to raise gas prices. SPOILER ALERT: President Obama says he’s optimistic that the uprising will finally get people to stop commenting about  Bowe Bergdahl. Those crazed extremists marching toward Baghdad paused this weekend for a little gruesome fun by beheading a local police chief, and using his head as a soccer ball.  Seems they should get a “red card” for that at least.
 
Speaking of soccer – One of my favorite parts of watching the World Cup is having to Google where half the countries are. The US today takes on Ghana in the World Cup. That’s the nation that eliminated us from the previous two World Cups, and they’re probably Ghana do it again. Meanwhile, there’s a government warning to beware of pickpockets during the World Cup; especially if you’re watching it in a bar on Southside.
 
The IRS says it can’t locate Lois Lerner’s emails prior to 2011. Why don’t they just ask the NSA A) where they are B) what was said over the phone that caused the emails to be deleted? So what will come of this? Absolutely nothing. Americans *might* be slightly annoyed for a minute before going back to Googling pictures of Kimye on Father’s Day.
 
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
In 1933, the FDIC was created. Before then, all bank commercials just ended with the word "member."
 
Harrison Ford was injured while filming the latest Star Wars movie. Witnesses say the injury was due to a Wookie mistake.
 
Matt Lauer has signed a multi-year contract extension. The answer to the question, "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" would be, "the bank."
 
North Korea's dictator, Kim Jong Un, is criticizing the North Korean Meteorological Service for making inaccurate weather forecasts. Everybody in North Korea complains about the weather, but Kim can actually DO something about it. SPOILER ALERT: "AccuWeather Forecast," has just been changed to the "Execute-You Weather Forecast.” Now when a weatherman makes a 10-day forecast, he adds, "Tell my family I loved them."
 
And … The Chinese restaurant chain P.F. Chang’s confirms a security breach involving customers' credit and debit cards. When the hackers empty out those bank accounts, an hour later they're hungry for money again.
Filed Under :
Location : BaghdadJefferson County
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 13 2014 8:04AM
World Cup officials are praying that stadiums rushed to be finished are safe enough for spectators. The facilities could collapse because they weren't properly finished. They're a lot like my jokes today. I was rushing to finish the news when I hit DELETE and SAVE instead of just SAVE. Yayness!
Filed Under :
Topics : Sports
by Lisa Mason posted Jun 12 2014 8:00AM
It’s Friday the 13th Eve! Do you open your camper torsos tonight or wait till morning?
 
A group deemed “too extreme for Al Qaida” has captured two of the larger cities in Iraq after Iraqi security forces dropped their uniforms and fled. At this rate, they’re gonna get sued for impersonating the French.  
 
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are searching for 3 dangerous, escaped prison inmates who made their getaway after a helicopter landed in the detention facility's courtyard. It's basically the exact same thing that happened last week at Gitmo, but that had been approved by the White House.
 
This manner of thing is usually reserved for Craigslist, but a Tuscaloosa teen is in jail for soliciting the murder of her family and their dog via Facebook.  The girl’s aunt, the primary target, discovered the plot while posing as a guy on Facebook to monitor her niece’s activity. Christmas will be a little awkward this year. What a sad world we’re in where you can’t even trust strangers on the internet to be real hit men!
 
President Obama is being criticized for chomping on gum during a D-Day ceremony. It was probably Nicorette. If he’d been smoking during the ceremony Michelle would make him sleep on the couch. To be fair, the 7 minutes each cigarette takes off his life might be worth the 7 minutes he doesn’t have to answer questions about Bowe Bergdahl and Benghazi.
 
A defense lawyer says authorities are overreaching with a murder charge against an Alabama father charged in the slaying of his daughter's sexual abuser. Not to condone vigilante justice* but if a “murder charge” means this dad will “get a medal for doing what sane people want to do to a convicted child molester” then OK.
 
A California teacher allegedly forced some of his students to take him to a Jack In The Box restaurant at knifepoint. Apparently, summer break came none too soon.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
20 years ago today – America’s attention was glued to a slow white bronco. No, not Peyton Manning. It’s the anniversary of the OJ Simpson chase! Olympian Oscar Pistorious once said he wanted to be just like “regular” athletes. Who knew he was talking about OJ?
 
A study says that rats are capable of feeling regret after making wrong choices. But enough about congress...
 
So this is why he keeps forgetting he agreed to sell the Clippers. During a conversation about the likelihood Donald Sterling may be suffering from Alzheimer's, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer confused Alzheimer's with Tourette syndrome. This is either the first symptom of Alzheimer's, or Tourette’s.
 
 And … “Are you ready for some soooooooooocer?” The World Cup gets underway in Brazil. The coach of America's team says the U.S. squad isn't good enough to win. I just hope they're fast enough to get out of those Brazilian stadiums before they collapse.  Australia also doesn’t hold much chance of winning: they actually left their plane running to save time so they can get home and watch the WC on TV. England’s team isn’t expected to do well either. Killing time in Rio, the players visited an orphanage. “It breaks my heart to see those sad faces without a shred of hope,” said Jose, age 6.
 
* Which I’m about to. 
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