Posts from July 2014
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 31 2014 8:26AM
“It’s the Night that the Lights Went Out in Gaza." Power remains offline for whoever is left in Gaza. Some Israeli officials are accusing the U.S. of favoring Hamas in our news coverage. Another official labeled Secretary of State John Kerry's cease-fire proposal "a strategic terrorist attack against Israel." Hopefully, Israel can defend itself against this U.S. strategic terrorist attack with their U.S. funded Iron Dome defense system. Officials say Chinese hackers have stolen the schematics for that same missile shield. Mideast observers say this could "level the playing field" between Israel and Gaza. In a related story, Israeli forces just leveled a playing field IN Gaza.
Remember the mysterious giant hole that appeared in Siberia last week? Two MORE giant holes have appeared there as well. I get the feeling someone is turning the Earth into a bowling ball. It’s either that or Morlocks.
A Malaysia Airlines flight at Australia’s Adelaide airport was forced to abort takeoff in midair due to a near miss. Wow, MA can’t even buy good press these days! I’m starting to wonder if their main base is built on an old Indian burial ground, or maybe they ran over a Gypsy.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1498, Christopher Columbus discovered the island of Trinidad. Where is Trinidad? Just to the left of Trinimom.
Sarah Palin now has her own subscription TV channel. I've already ordered not to get it for two full years.
Actor Orlando Bloom has done what all sane, civilized men wish to do; he threw a punch at Justin Bieber. Bieber is like the little brother you never had the chance to repeatedly beat the crap out of.
A new health study says that fist bumps spread 90% fewer germs than handshakes. No kidding. I don’t mean to sound OCD, but I do worry excessively about the 1% of germs my hand sanitizer doesn’t kill. “Kills 99% of germs!” What’s the deal with the last 1%? Is it some super-strain that could mutate into a hybrid-vectorlike strain that kills half our population? Why can’t it be killed? And what happens if the 1% Germ gets into the animal population? We could end up with Fluasaurus! Half dinosaur, half flu virus! Wait – somebody get Sy-Fy on the phone and we’ll pitch the idea. We are one lab accident away from a new cult movie hit!*
And while we’re on the topic … it WASN’T last night. I can’t read a TV schedule. "Sharknado 2," about an F5 tornado filled with sharks, hits the Sy-Fy Channel tonight. This took me totally by surprise because I didn't see anything about it in James Spann’s 5-day forecast. Word is the third "Sharknado" film is set for a Christmas release. It's called, "Shark the Herald Angels Sing."
*Sy-FY producers, call my agent!**
**By “agent” I mean “my cell number.”***
***Because I don’t have an agent. UNLESS having one would land me a part in Moth-apus in which case I’ll go GET an agent.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 30 2014 8:12AM
Another day of rockets and shelling in Gaza. How anything is left standing I’ve no idea. I’m starting to feel bad for the window cleaners over there. Israel has been warning civilians in Gaza to evacuate areas where Hamas has weapons stored or tunnels dug, by dropping numerous leaflets. Today, Hamas accused Israel of both murder and littering. Meanwhile, the UN is asking the Israelis if the incursion into Gaza has reached a tipping point. The Israelis concede that if tipping becomes compulsory, they'll consider a permanent cease-fire. I was just talking to my lovely coworker Ericka Wood when it was announced Israel hsa agreed to a 4 hour humanitarian cease-fire. At the time of the announcement it was 8am CDT. We have a bet that rockets will start flying within an hour and 17 minutes.
Heavy fighting in eastern Ukraine prevented an international team of inspectors from reaching the wreckage of Malaysian Fight 17 which was shot down by a missile last week. Poor CNN. Now they FINALLY know where a downed Malaysian aircraft is, and they STILL can't get to it! Meanwhile, President Obama is attempting to step up sanctions against Russia. Vlad Putin’s just sending him straight to voicemail.
Birmingham is increasing its efforts to clinch the 2016 Democratic National Convention throwing a LOT of money at it. The city will spend $250,000 to hire a team of consultants* to organize and promote the city's bid AND will guarantee $5 million in cash to the DNC event if Birmingham wins its bid. City on the Move! Enjoy your potholes and busted sidewalks while the DNC officials are steered away from your neighborhood since its turning into Thunderdome.
Democrats in Congress said they'd consider cutting some of the pork out of the budget if Republicans would consider replacing it with tofu.
AL Sharpton says he’s opening an office in Birmingham. Is it too late to convince Israel that the Palestinians are hiding rockets on that site?
A Connecticut man was arrested after he shot his girlfriend's pet turtle to death with a BB gun. The girlfriend says that ever since the traumatic incident, she's been a shell of her former self.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1956, "In God We Trust" became our country's official slogan. Before that it was, "Who do we trust?"
The creator of that TV show about hoarding was the featured guest at a Major League Baseball game this week. Sadly, the man was ejected after he just couldn't bring himself to throw out the first pitch.
Expect Twitter to explode tonight; Sharknado 2 premieres tonight on the Sy-Fy channel! If you think Sharknado is ridiculous; it’s not HALF as weird as stuff that happens in Florida on any given day. I loved the original but all the NEW “bandwagon” fans complaining about spoilers should have frst read the books like the rest of us.** And I’d like to give props to the Sy-Fy channel crew working on a documentary up in Jasper. You guys are running out of time to invite me to your Sharknado 2 viewing party. Just saying...
And here’s some leftovers from yesterday that didn’t post because one must hit the “publish” button in order to, you know, actually publish the blog.
On this date in 1588, the English defeated the Spanish Armada. The battle began when the English asked "What's an Armada?" and the Spanish replied, "Nothing. What's an Armada with you?"
It sounds made up, but many KKK branches are now recruiting black people to help them combat an influx of illegal immigrants into the U.S. How about an all-black KKK branch? You could call them the Tuskkkegee Men. Wow, poor turn of phrase since the KKK isn’t known for working well when branches were involved.
Colorado officials are reporting a growing population of homeless kids who have fled to Colorado to take advantage of their legalized pot laws. The kids say they heard about legalized weed in Colorado from young Central American drug dealers who snuck into the U.S. to take advantage of our lenient immigration laws.
And … Hillary Clinton still won't confirm if she's running for president, but women's advocacy groups say a Hillary victory in 2016 would be the achievement of the American Dream---taking your husband's old job and turning him into the First Lady.
*To whom are THESE “consultants” related?
**This is really for the GoT bandwagon fans.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 28 2014 7:21AM
The UN is calling for another cease fire in the Gaza Strip. Given that the last three cease fires resulted in rocket attacks and airstrikes within a few hours … maybe we shouldn’t call for any more cease fires? Israel and Hamas are supposed to leave each other alone today as it’s Eid al Fatyr, the celebration marking the end of Ramadan. They are calling the truce so everyone can get together and hit the after-Ramadan sales.
Congress is leaving on a five-week recess this week. They’ll accomplish every bit as much as they do when they’re technically working.
Dallas Cowboys linebacker and former Tide star Rolando McClain has been convicted of resisting arrest and disorderly conduct in Decatur. The 18-day jail term that could foil McClain’s efforts to restart his career. Oh his career is going fine, his career in crime, that is.
An initiative for marijuana legalization has made it on to the November ballot in Oregon. The trick now, of course, is getting weed supporters to remember to vote. "Oh, wow! The election was last week? Bummer dude.” The Oregon Ducks football team is opposing the vote; they don’t want to replace their designer uniforms with hemp necklaces and Grateful Dead t-shirts.
A McDonald's worker in Pennsylvania has been arrested for selling crack cocaine at work. The employee tried to convince cops that he didn’t use cocaine, he just liked the way it smelled.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1900, the hamburger was invented. Up until then, there was nothing to like fries with. There were some who didn’t relish the idea but, in time, would ketchup to it.
Justin Bieber was spotted riding around in a wheelchair at Disneyland so he could cut to the front of the lines. SO tacky! Most already thought Justin Bieber was going to hell in a hand basket. Now he's using the wheelchair ramp.
Some Guy (I forgot to write down his fancy foreign name) just won the Tour de France. Yawn. I know nothing about bike races so to me, the Tour de France is slightly less interesting than watching Google Maps. I DO know you can win it if you start blood doping early enough.
Mark Zuckerberg is claiming that the average Facebook user spends 40 minutes a day on the site. You could probably spend more if it weren't for that pesky day job.
And … A new poll shows that Darth Vader is more popular than all of the potential 2016 presidential candidates. He was also the most popular choice among the voters on Alderaan until he blew it up.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 25 2014 7:48AM
YES! The Internet is back, and with it, some highly questionable news.
Secretary of State John Kerry says he’s drafted a truce proposal for the Gaza Strip and Hamas immediately declared “A Day of Rage.” I sort of know how they feel; Kerry’s voice grates on my nerves too. AND the fact his hair looks like that bad wig the main guy wore in the “Reanimator” movie. So if today is the Day of Rage, what was yesterday? The Day of Major Annoyance? The Day of Pretty Darn Ticked Off? Ugh. Why can’t we just declare a Day of Napping and all chill out?
The FAA has lifted the ban on flights to Israel, saying that it's now safe to visit the land of rocket attacks. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg flew El Al to Israel Tuesday to protest the temporary flight ban. Now, if we can only ban Israeli flights to the U.S., we can keep him there. Even though a rocket landed near the airport in Tel Aviv, Hamas rockets never seem to hit their intended targets. Seriously, Hamas is 0 for 192,937 from the 3 point range. Apparently, in Gaza, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a rocket scientist.
A congressman who flew to Central America on a "fact-finding" mission and NEVER ONCE left his hotel, says he found no evidence of the so-called dangerous conditions causing Central American children to flee to America. In a related story, the congressman also said he found no evidence of brutal Central American gang murders in the backseat of his stretch limo.
Breaking news---The U.N. Security Council is in an emergency session to try to broker a cease-fire between General Motors customers and their car dealerships.
House and Senate Republicans this week called President Obama's border policies a "total failure." And when you're a member of a Congress with single digit approval ratings, you're absolutely qualified to testify as experts on failure.
I’m so excited Alabama may house some of the children who flooded illegally across the border. I have numerous friends who are opposed to deporting them – well you get your wish! I expect those of you who express such empathy for these lone kids to have a welcoming hug ready, to bring them a treat, a blankie, a stuffed bear. They will need school come August so, I beg you to let me know how often you drive them to school and the doctor. I’m being non-sarcastically honest. Here is your golden opportunity to put your money where your Twitter Mouth is. If something matters this much to you; it shouldn’t take much effort to take care of these kids you don’t want sent home. I’m betting most will simply update statuses complaining about the people who don’t want the children in the state instead of taking any useful action. Please prove me wrong. For science.*
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1946, the U.S. conducted their first underwater atomic test. The toughest part was, of course, getting the fuse to stay lit.
Former quarterback Tim Tebow says he's still in training waiting for the chance to go back to the NFL. Michael Sam suggested, "Have you considered saying you’re gay?
Sleep experts say that a lack of sleep can put "false memories" in a person's brain. I'm pretty sure my dog told me that before. No really – I remember her saying something about it.
Duran Duran is suing the president of their official fan club for $40,000, which they say is their share of membership dues she collected. Police have issued an all points bulletin for the fan club president. They say her name is Rio, and she under-finances in the sand.
And ... A Brazilian soccer player who changed his citizenship in order to play for Ukraine is now regretting it. That's because 34-year-old Edmar was just drafted to fight in the Ukrainian army! This guy’s gonna be useless on the battlefield; any shelling anywhere NEAR him and he’ll flop over like he's been shot.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 24 2014 7:57AM
Welcome to the latest installment of Moveageddon. I’m headed home today to sit and wait for the Internet Guy who never called even though we had an appointment. I just want my Wi-Fi, baby, why you gotta be like that? I swear; if he ditches me again I’ll be forced to sit by the phone and wait for him some more. He’ll call. I know he will. He wouldn’t leave me like this.
Yesterday, not having Wi-Fi and not knowing how to work the TV, I did what everyone does on a beautiful summer day when they’re bored; went to wash my hair. I turn on the faucet aaaaaand … nothing. Seriously? The water’s been on for four days and now it’s suddenly cut off? I haven’t even had a chance not to pay a bill! So I call our Friendly Birmingham Water Works and Sewer Board for a swift fix to the situation.
I made it to the “there are 4 calls ahead of you” announcement when they disconnected my call. I call back, and get “there are 20 calls ahead of you.” Yayness!
Long story long, the lady informed me I had never transferred service. Yes, I did. Last week. It took 5 calls. I even have a fax confirmation, call log and another representative’s name to prove it.
Turns out The Man who set up the change of service “is not now nor has ever been employed by the BWWSB.” What? Was he some crazed lunatic who just ran into the BWWSB offices and started answering calls like a madman? It’s like dealing with some shadowy agency like Specter or, more appropriately, Hydra. Hail Hydra!
Long story even longer, I’m waiting on Mr. Water to come turn my water back on but really honestly wanted to take a bath so I fill the tub with bottled water like a Kardashian. I never thought I’d be jealous of all those people in Sochi, Russia who had to bathe in tainted water. Sure they couldn’t get it in their eyes due to risk of blindness, but at least they had the OPTION and it didn’t cost about $80 at Costco.
Naturally, Mr. Water is running late so I cracked open another bottle of H20 and did a deep conditioner treatment. It’s what Uma Thurman would do. (Actually, Uma would have personally visited the Water Works and gone Kill Bill on them … or she would have just taken her precious fax confirmations and call logs and said, “Yes, I’m home all day. Please send Mr. Water over to turn my service back on”). Because that’s all you can do when you’re dealing with a Bond villain-level entity of evil; play along.
On the bright side; my hair DOES look lovely when washed with half a case of Smart Water. Hey! Maybe the Smart Water will make me smart enough to move out of the Water Works service area! Problem is, I used all the water in the tub and have none left to drink. Good thing I’ve seen every episode of Man vs Wild!
Anyway, I DID have some actual news written but I’ve used up far too much valuable internet space with this wall of text. The only semi-giggle-worthy lines involved Biden at the NAACP meeting and Camilla’s oat bucket. You’re really not missing anything. Now excuse me, I feel it in my heart that Internet Guy will come and install my precious Wi-Fi. He’ll call. You wait and see.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 23 2014 8:04AM
Still no internet at home. No, I did not go back to Starbucks yesterday to latch onto the free Wi-Fi, instead I stayed home and eventually used a hot spot (which is still pretty hipster if you ask me). I just didn’t feel like putting on an eco-friendly t-shirt of Obscure Band along with a scarf I’d claim to have knitted myself. Then I realized: I don’t even know how to turn on the new TV’s. Nor do I know how to activate the hot spot on my phone. NOR do I know how to work the Direct TV remote!
So instead of going to meet up with Atticus, Nico and Piper at Starbucks, I went to the basement and turned on the radio to try and catch the latest news. It was very 1945. I totally expected the Jerries to start bombing at any second and I started talking in an old-movie voice. “Applesauce! This air raid came at the worst time! I had a cake in the oven that would have been ring-a-ding. I might just snap my cap if the all-clear doesn’t sound soon.” It was the only logical course of action. On the upside; I might land a job as an Air Warden. Anyway – on to something like news…
Israel is accusing the US of aiding Hamas because the FAA has cancelled all flights to Israel because of the escalating violence. Yet you can still book a flight to Ukraine. Go figure.
FINALLY that mystery liquid leaking from a Cullman crypt is being tested. Wow – we’ve only known about the creepy seepage since MAY. Way to get right on the case, Quincy. That cemetery should just go buy a new crypt at one of those 'big box' funeral supplliers, It's one-stop coffin!
Texas Governor Rick Perry has ordered 1,000 National Guard troops to help protect his state from an influx of illegal aliens. Weird Al Yankovic's is catching heat for his latest parody song, "Four Dead in El Paso."
“Birmingham is a city on the move!” It’s a hilarious little slogan since the City Council is bowing to local pressure to block “Uber” from expanding into the city. It’s a ride-sharing company and some local “professional driving services” say the gas and money-saving ride option is a bad thing for the city. It WOULD be a very bad thing for the towing companies who lurk Downtown like a pack of velociraptors waiting to spring on anyone who tries to park for more than .05 seconds.
A North Carolina man is in jail today, after leaving his 98 year old wheelchair-bound mother locked in his truck for nearly 5 hours while he gambled in a Maryland casino. The woman was dazed and confused when rescued but is OK ... except for having idiot offspring, she’s OK. Remember, when you ask “How stupid can people be?” Some people will take that as a challenge.
If you’re going for that “don’t hire me” look, there are now tattoos for your teeth. Just be sure to use a reputable dentist. I made mine sign a waiver that read, "Do you swear to tat my tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1885, Ulysses S. Grant died at the age of 63. He wanted to be cremated, but as much as he drank, they were afraid the fire wouldn't go out for months!
On this date in 1998, scientists announced they had been able to clone 50 mice. At long last, our country's mouse shortage was over.
Monica Lewinsky turns 41 today. Golly, seems just like yesterday she was crawling around on the floor of the Oval office.
This past June was one of the hottest on record! The average global temperature was just over 61 degrees. 61 degrees??? Turn on the darn heat!
The bad news, Casey Kasem's body is still missing. The good news, this weekend, Ryan Seacrest will broadcast the Top 40-places it might be.
And …There was a George Harrison Memorial Tree at L.A.'s Griffith Park, but it has died ironically as a result of hungry beetles. My Sweet Lord what’s next? The Ringo Starr Tree wasn't damaged because even hungry beetles said it wasn't very good. This is the latest in a string of bad luck for the celebrity tree section; the Jimi Hendrix Memorial Tree died last year of a drug overdose.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 22 2014 8:01AM
No news entry today. I’m in the middle of moving and the company who was to SUPPOSED to supply my internet (I won’t give their name but they go by just their initials) simply never showed up yesterday for an appointment that was booked last week. Despite numerous confirmations. Despite saying they were on the way. NOW I’m told that on Thursday, I’ll have the golden opportunity to sit at home and wait for an installer to (maybe) come by and bring me into the 20th Century by hooking up the Glorious Internet.
Till then, I have to resort to the hipster method of loitering in places with free Wi-Fi. Attempting to write my news last night, I put on my little black rimmed glasses (that aren’t really prescription) and sat at Starbucks with a half-caf latte with a vanilla shot and lo-fat whipped cream because they have free Wi-Fi. I started doing my work but then got sidetracked by a Salinger debate. 20 minutes later, I’m back writing some jokes about the boarder crisis when someone notices I am working on a new Dell tablet/laptop. All Hipster Hell broke loose.
I peer through my fake glasses and notice EVERYONE in Starbucks is pecking away on a MacBook Pro or iPad. All those little Apple logos are all gleaming in the fashionably-dimmed lighting like jungle creatures glaring angry beacons of loathing toward my Android-platform loving self. One guy in a winter hat stands up and points at me, his mouth open in a silent scream much like the dude in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” They saw through my disguise thanks to the Dell! So I did the only logical thing I could; claimed I was fixing my Mother’s computer. This appeased the artisanal locovore cuisine mob and they actually invited me back today for a gluten-free muffin.
If I don’t get my own internet access soon, I’ll soon start ironically wearing quirky post-modern jewelry and listing to Birmingham Mountain Radio.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 21 2014 8:16AM
Time to get out and hit those “after Moon landing anniversary sales!”
Even though their safety cannot be assured at the crash site of Flight MH17, investigators have been sent to Ukraine … presumably by boat or car.
President Obama is calling on the Israelis to exercise "restraint" during their ground offensive into Gaza. Of course, he said the same thing to Team Germany when they were playing Brazil at the World Cup. With news of the Israeli ground offensive spreading, Hamas put their forces on high alert--which means to start gathering all throwable rocks into a big pile.
A professor at Brown University says the drinking age in the U.S. should be lowered to 8 years old. Oh yeah, that'll make 3rd grade easier.
Breaking news! We're just getting word that the Israelis and the Palestinians are close to a cease fire deal. Hang on, And now I'm being told that the Palestinians are celebrating the news by firing rockets into Israel, while Israel responds by an increased ground assault. C’mon people.
Downtown Los Angeles is at its driest since record-keeping began. Kids in L.A. are spending this summer cooling off on a Slip 'n Stick.
Oh look, MORE word from the Middle East.The Israeli Army says they've been training for years for a ground invasion of Gaza neighborhoods by practicing fighting in public. They even hired those bats from The View as expert consultants.
29-yer old Maarten de Jonge, he’s Dutch, I don’t know how to pronounce his weird Moon-name, anyway – he’s master-level at escaping a horrible death. He missed not one but both Malaysian airline disasters. The a professional cyclist had a ticket for not only last Thursday's doomed Flight 17, but also the still-missing Flight 370. In both cases, he changed his flight at the last minute. I will follow the Non-Flying Dutchman out of ANY foreign airport, anytime.
And a few things you need to know …
It was this date in 1969 Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin left the moon after 21.5 hours on the surface. They left behind a plaque which read, "Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the moon, July 1969, A.D. We came in peace for all mankind. Starbucks coming soon."
On this date in 1972, Elvis Presley appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. This was later in his career, so it actually took two issues to get him all on.
The Church of England's governing body has voted to permit women to serve as bishops. So women can now be Queens AND bishops? I'm not going to tell them how to run their church, but they certainly don't know anything about chess.
Hope Casey Kasem wasn’t expecting any dignity in death. It’s been over a month since he died, his body has yet been laid to rest … and now it’s missing. Wow what a shame; if it wasn’t for Mr. Kasem, many of us never would have learned how to count backward from 40.
A Florida woman ordered the most expensive Starbucks drink ever, costing $60.58. She could have spent more, but she only wanted the tall.
We can only assume she already safely smuggled her family out of the country… but A Russia Today news anchor has resigned, saying she's tired of "spreading lies for Putin."
A totally hammered Charlie Sheen had his limo driver take him to an undisclosed Taco Bell in the wee hours last week where customers took cell phone pictures of Sheen slurring his words while ordering some Doritos Locos Tacos. Police didn't show up, or Charlie could have been arrested for being drunk and disborderly.
Archaeologists in central India have discovered 10,000-year-old rock paintings which depict "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" looking extraterrestrial aliens and their space ship! At least that's what my reptilian overlords told me to tell you.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 18 2014 7:46AM
A Malaysia Airlines passenger plane, Flight 17, was shot down over Ukraine yesterday. Here's an idea; perhaps we could re-route air traffic so planes don't fly directly over active war zones. CNN is beside themselves with another plane story. Early reports indicate that Russia is to blame; let’s hope our renewed hatred of Russia makes us feel as young as we were in the 80’s!
A ground invasion of the Gaza Strip is underway. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu posted on his Facebook page that the purpose of the operation is to destroy “terror tunnels” linking Gaza and Israel. The escalation comes after almost 2 weeks of violence and a failed cease fire. Both sides; just stop it. The 5 hour humanitarian cease fire lasted a mere 2 hours before somebody twitched. If Van Halen managed to get along for 6 months you guys should put on your big girl panties and YOU put down your rockets and YOU put down your rocks and try to kill each other like thinking, civilized people.
The U.S. intelligence official who was banished from Germany on Thursday says his expulsion from the country will give him more time to spend spying on his family. The last time the German government kicked out an American spy, Bill Belichick was an assistant coach for NFL Europe. And if we really WERE spying on Germany, why weren't we spying on their soccer team? THAT could have really helped us!
Microsoft confirms it will lay off 14% of its work force, giving 18,000 employees the boot. Or, as they call it, the reboot.
Was it intended to be a "weapon of Mass Reproduction-Destruction?" Senate liberals are trying to nullify the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision, but the bill failed to pass so they’re forced to abort the idea. Senate Republicans say this should send a chill down the spine down of ALL Americans. Senate leader Harry Reid is asking, "Please explain what a spine is?"
And a few more things you need to know …
On this date in 64 AD, the great fire of Rome began. How a fire could cause such devastation in a city made completely out of stone is beyond me. And for the record: Rome didn't burn in a day.
On this date in 1940, a helicopter was successfully flown for the first time. The inventor was so mad at the many failed flights, he had changed the original name, from the "heck-icopter" to the "Hell-icopter."
In the latest issue of Archie Comics (they still print those?), Archie dies when he takes a bullet for his gay friend who was advocating for gun control. If Archie had a gun, he could have really protected his friend. The only way to stop a bad imaginary character with a gun is with a good imaginary character with a gun.
John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth and a former U.S. Senator, turns 93 today. While being a senator was nice, he got more done while he was in space.
60-year-old actor Jeff Goldblum has become engaged to his 31-year-old girlfriend. Goldblum, meet Gold-digger.
A spectacularly well-preserved 520-million-year-old sea creature has been unearthed in China. P.F. Chang's says, "Sounds delicious!"
And … The CDC says that one in four Americans admit they do no exercise at all. This means that 75% of Americans are liars.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 17 2014 7:46AM
On this date, 45 years ago, Apollo 11 blasted into history. Your iPad probably has more computational power than the entire world in 1969, yet these guys went to the MOON while we throw birds at pig houses.
The World Cup has been declared as the most talked about event on social media ever. The most common tweet by American fans: "Hey, aren't one of these teams supposed to score?"
Cue up Motley Crue’s “Same Old Situation,” the 5 hour humanitarian cease fire in Gaza Strip only lasted 2 hours before the rockets started flying again. Fact*-- most Americans think “Gaza Strip” is the name of an exotic dance.
Major drought going on in Southern Cal. Even President Obama is worried about the severe lack of water; some of his favorite golf courses are there.
Time Warner executives rejected an $80 billion takeover bid by Rupert Murdoch. He wouldn’t take “NO” for an answer, so they held a Silver Cross up to Murdoch while shouting, "The power of Christ compels you” to get him to leave.
And a few things you need to know…
One of the Boston bombing victims was asked to leave T.J. Maxx because of his service dog. You can't buy publicity like that. Because you don’t want it.
A Seattle idiot tried to kill a spider with a lighter and a can of spray paint. Unfortunately that cost him his home as the entire house went up in flames. JUST STEP ON IT. Sorry to you spider-lovers, I know many sick/twisted people keep them as pets. Last time I was in a pet store I noticed spiders were $70! To heck with that, you can get one cheaper off the web.
And … A new tool called Wi-Fi Honk can alert pedestrians through their cellphone they are about to be hit by a car. Now if we can just develop an app that reminds us why we walked into that room.
*I just made it up but it’s entirely probable