December 21, 2014
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Posts from August 2014
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 29 2014 7:49AM
Vineyard owners are still tabulating the cost of a powerful 6.0 earthquake in Northern California that destroyed thousands of bottles of precious wines. Well, that's why I buy my wine in boxes. Can we start a Box Wine challenge instead of the ice bucket thing?

You’d think this would be crossing a “red line” of some kind, but an independent U.N. commission states there's evidence that the Syrian military used chlorine gas on its own people at least eight times in April. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad dismissed the charge claiming he only used chlorine so his enemies could get their white flags their absolute whitest.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is claiming victory in the latest war in Gaza, affirming that Gaza must become a "demilitarized zone." Well, if you can do a touchdown dance in the end zone, why not in a demilitarized zone? Now that they've demilitarized Gaza, maybe we can work on demilitarizing Missouri police departments. Meanwhile, Hamas is ALSO claiming victory in Gaza. Thousands killed, massive damage … all of these people have a strange concept of “victory.”

For the SECOND time this week a flight had to be diverted due to a fight over legroom. A flight from Miami to Paris diverted to Boston because a 61-year-old Frenchman had a come apart when the passenger in front of him reclined their seat. I get it – tall people get royally screwed on airplanes. But YOU guys are the ones who can actually SEE at concerts. We short people end up having to contort like goblins just to peer around you guys. So it evens out.

John Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, has been denied parole for the 8th time. The surviving Beatles complained he didn’t get Yoko instead.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1977, three people were arrested in Memphis for plotting to dig up the body of Elvis Presley. What some people won't do to avoid paying the admission fee at Graceland.
 
Author William Friedkin turns 75. He wrote "The Exorcist." Never knew what possessed him to do that but he really makes heads turn.
 
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in France last weekend. They had to: football has started and no one will miss a game to attend your wedding.
 
I'm worried about that new Elvis Presley hologram they’re making, because Elvis was made an honorary federal AND an honorary police officer. What if the Elvis hologram shoots the Michael Jackson and Tupac holograms? It could start a hologram race war, and we really don't need that.
 
Archaeologists in Northern England  found a 2,000-year old Roman toilet seat and say they're also expecting to find the toilet itself. Here's hoping they get to the bottom of it and lift the lid on this mystery.
 
Turns out prosecutors violated the constitutional rights of Kody Brown and his four wives, the stars of the reality TV show "Sister Wives," by conducting a years-long investigation into their marriage. Brown is also accused of leaving the toilet seat up four times as much as the average husband. He’s also four times more wrong than the average husband.
 
A panda in China is believed to have faked a pregnancy in order to get special treatment. Pregnant pandas at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding get special treatment like private rooms and extra food, and it’s believed this panda mimicked the symptoms of pregnancy in order to get the perks. Umm… why did no one check? I’m worried that these researchers are taking pandas at their word. But this crafty panda does give me a great idea on how to get an extended paid vacation from work … can I borrow your baby?
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 28 2014 7:02AM
No news today, it's 7:05 AM and I'm already ready for a nap. The only times I'm NOT sleepy are when I'm in bed, supposed to be asleep. 
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 27 2014 8:11AM
Odd happenings in the wake of that earthquake. Napa Valley residents are back at work, encouraging tourists to come, the gas leaks are fixed and power is coming back. Yep. Normalcy. Nobody waited for FEMA to do it for them and no one was caught looting. Granted, how does one go about looting in Napa Valley? “Standish, smash that window and grab that magnum of Cabernet Sauvignon! Wait – check to see if it’s the 2010 by Raymond Generations first. I don’t want the Chateau Montelena. Oh. It IS the Montelena? *Sigh* I suppose it’ll have to do.”  
 
White House officials are swearing the U.S. paid no ransom to Syria to win the release of American reporter Peter Theo Curtis. This has most of us saying, "I wonder how much ransom money the White House paid Syria?"
 
Burger king says moving their HQ to Canada will save them millions of dollars. Saving money? Can we move the Federal Government there?
 
Prince says he'll release 2-albums next fall. No wonder the Old Farmer's Almanac had Purple Rain in the long-range forecast.
 
That young homeless man who accepted the Video of the Year Award for Miley Cyrus at the VMA's Sunday night is wanted by Oregon police on an old warrant. Great, so he found a place to stay! I love happy endings!
 
 
Matt Damon took the Ice bucket challenge with water from his toilet, raising awareness for the millions with neither clean drinking water nor acceptable sewer facilities. Great – he’s taking the Hepatitis C challenge.
This charity awareness is getting out of hand. There’s a breast cancer challenge going on where you are shamed into posting an embarrassing status update to support the cause or whatever. I’m sorry* but the online peer pressure, humiliation and physical discomfort “for charity” is getting old. Every charity wants the same viral action as ALS, so we’re flooded with new weird stunts. “I’m raising awareness for the Humane Society by stapling this napkin to my face!”  What’s next? “I’m raising awareness for ovarian cancer by tying a motorcycle to a tree branch and riding it like a swing.”
 
And … It’s a first world problem; some customers are upset that Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Lattes don't contain pumpkin. It DOES contain the equivalent of you having to do 45 minutes on the elliptical though.

*Not sorry
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
Location : Oregon
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 26 2014 8:29AM
I couldn’t find any picture that somehow related to any story here, so have a cute bat.
Did you watch any of the Emmy’s last night? I believe they’re just about done with acceptance speeches. In honour of “Breaking Bad” most of the actors showed up high on meth. Call me when they start handing out awards for Best Original Tweet about Someone Else’s Screenplay because I think I’ve got it.
 
Sunday’s 6.0 earthquake is considered California's biggest disaster since the Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile, Doomsday Sayers claim California will be plagued with floods, earthquakes and droughts as punishment until we stop doing that Ice Bucket Challenge. All the cable news stations are showing video of winemakers sweeping up thousands of broken bottles. Nobody has seen that many jagged shards since breakfast with Courtney Love.
 
The US is prepping airstrikes on ISIS targets in Syria. Syria says that sounds like an act of war … against Syria. How long till the Nobel Peace Prize people call and tell Obama they want their award back?
 
The Birmingham City Council only has a day left to act before hundreds of city retirees see their health insurance costs skyrocket. Sorry guys! Can’t help you on the insurance thing, we got ourselves an Empowerment Festival to plan and need to take those DNC reps to Hot and Hot.
 
A Tennessee high school senior was suspended from school for saying, "bless you" after someone sneezed. That's pretty bad, but in Iraq you get beheaded for that.
 
Critics are saying that President Obama is spending too much on the golf course during these trying times. His caddy says that’s absolutely untrue. Just because the Golf Channel is going to get the exclusive on all his future press conferences doesn’t mean a thing.
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
 
On this date in 55 BC, Roman forces under Julius Caesar invaded Britain. You thought the Beatles were the first British Invasion -- guess again!
 
On this date in 1920, the 19th Amendment was passed, giving women the right to vote. Finally we could share the blame!
 
The network FXX is now showing every "Simpson's" show ever. That's all 552 wacky "Simpson's" episodes … except for the one where O.J. chopped up those people.
 
Not to cause a panic or anything BUT we’re exactly four months from hitting the after-Christmas sales. Monday’s Labor Day so those Christmas decorations should be up in stores in 3 … 2… 1.
 
And … here’s two stories I had on the show this morning for your consideration.  
 
It was a real Sit Storm. A United Airlines flight from Newark to Denver was diverted after 2 passengers got into a fight over a Knee Defender. The Knee Defender is a passive-aggressive gadget that prevents the person in front of you from reclining. The incident escalated when a woman went to recline her seat, only to find it blocked by the man behind her and his Knee Defender. A flight attendant told him to remove the gadget, he refused so the woman threw a drink in his face. The plane diverted to Chicago, dropped off the idiots, then flew on to Denver an hour and a half late. If two goofs make me late because of their attitude one of them BETTER end up in cuffs. Both passengers are 48 years old. Grow up.  Flying is bad enough without turning it into the Hunger Games.
 
The next story for debate is the South Carolina high school freshman who was arrested then suspended. Know what his terroristic crime was? A writing assignment in which he tells a story about shooting his neighbor’s pet dinosaur.
Yep.
Dinosaur.
The creative writing assignment so horrified teachers they immediately called 911, the kid was searched and hauled away. Cops say he was arrested because he became disorderly when confronted by teachers. Well heck who wouldn’t be gobsmacked and ticked off? “Lisa, we’ve called the police because you used the word ‘gun’ while writing your news.” WHAAAAAAT?
Hey - Can I have the teacher who made me read Of Mice and Men arrested? There was a gun in that. This is beyond absurd; they can’t take real guns away from us so now you can’t even say the word without fear of the complainy-pants-police. Given the state of education in many areas, it’s a miracle the kid could even spell “gun.”

 
Filed Under :
People : Courtney LoveObama
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 25 2014 7:53AM
Napa Valley residents expect a heavy economic blow thanks to yesterday’s 6.0 mag earthquake. Why? It’ll be easier to make wine now that the grapes are pre-crushed.  Let’s all pause for a moment to remember all that wine that has been destroyed...
 
A captive journalist has been freed in Syria before anyone could remove his head. I just crossed “foreign war correspondent” off my employment wish-list. Seriously, if you want to become a network talking head, the minimum requirement is a head that talks.
 
The ISIS member who beheaded a US journalist is believed to be a British rapper.  A rapper? I’m shocked; rappers are generally known to hold themselves to much higher ethical standards
 
A memorial “service” to honor Tiger, War Eagle 6, will be held Friday in Plainsman Park. The event will begin at 5 p.m. and is free.  At 34, she was believed to be among the oldest living golden eagles in captivity. The memorial will feature Tiger’s highlight reel, because if there’s one thing we can do in this state its put together a highlight reel. Anyway, just a note to my fellow Bama fans not to be buffoons over this. How would you feel if the elephant we don’t have died and the Barners made fun of it? Let’s just get through this football season with some grace and quiet dignity and don’t go acting like we’re in Missouri.*
 
The Cincinnati Archdiocese says the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is at odds with good Catholic values. Their problem is with the ALS Association, which backs a study using embryonic stem cells. The bucket thing has about run its course anyway. It’s funny they’re selling “bucket” Halloween costumes, like it’ll still be a thing in two months. The main thing online NOW is ice bucket challenge FAILURES. When will we start raising money to help all the people who have been cracked in the head with buckets? Bucket injuries have risen 300% in the past 2 weeks; when do we start calling for stricter bucket control???
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1822, William Herschel died. Herschel was the one who discovered Uranus and don't think he wasn't kidded about that.

In 1875, a man swam across the English Channel for the very first time. It wasn't until years later than someone channel surfed.

Model Claudia Schiffer turns 44 today, which is 156 in model years.

York City Starbucks locations are now selling hard liquor, as well as wine and beer. This is for those you who want to pay $13.00 for a 12-ounce drink without having the chance to watch a show at Oak Mountain Ampitheatre.

Suzanne Somers is blaming the producers of "Three's Company" for ruining her TV career. What? Joyce DeWitt didn’t get the Thighmaster endorsement. What’s SS’s deal?

Miley Cyrus won big at last night’s MTV Music Awards. Why is it called art when SHE licks a hammer but when YOU do it you get kicked out of Lowe’s?

And ... A special thanks to all the friends, family and my Eagle listeners who came to the Sidewalk Film Festival this weekend. My short “Nine Minutes” was in the Sidewalk-equivalent of the World Cup’s “Group of Death.” Everyone brought their A game (except for [Name REDACTED]). All of my crew represented and I’m just so proud of everyone. Let’s do it again next year! I have SUCH a story for you…
 
*This is the SEC. We don’t “do” quiet dignity and grace. 
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 22 2014 7:15AM
 
U.S. airstrikes are finally helping to slow the advance of militant Sunnis in Iraq. It sure took long enough for President Obama to take the ISIS Bucket Challenge.
 
Speaking OF … The U.S. Departments of State and Defense have come out against the Ice Bucket Challenge, ruling that current State Department employees, service members and Pentagon employees cannot have ice dumped on them while in uniform or civilian clothes. President Obama seconded the ruling, saying he prefers throwing money at problems instead of ice.
 
Officials in Ferguson, Missouri, are blaming "outside agitators" for stirring up trouble in their town. Eric Holder responded, "Hey, but I'm the Attorney General!" Only a couple arrests there last night. Wow, that’s tame: I saw more arrests last night at the Sidewalk Filmmakers’ reception.
 
The wife and child of the leader of the militant wing of Hamas have been killed in an Israeli airstrike. The "militant" wing of Hamas? I guess that's to distinguish them from the "Hamas Meet and Greet Welcoming Committee" wing that hands out fruit baskets.
 
A new report says that former president Bill Clinton loves a certain cigar that costs $1,000 each! I don't want to even begin to think where THAT has been.
 
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1692, eight "witches" were hanged in Massachusetts. Needless to say, that was the least popular costume the following Halloween.
 
On this date in 1906, the Victrola was patented. It was the predecessor of the record player, which was the predecessor of the cassette player, which was the predecessor of the CD player which is what we used to listen to before our phones.
 
The Old Farmers' Almanac is predicting a "Super-Cold" winter with heavy snows this season. Of course, Al Gore is threatening to buy all the copies and burn them.
 
In California, a guy wearing a clown mask has been robbing gas stations and convenience stores. Police describe him as "armed and hilarious."
 
And … don’t tell me there’s nothing to do this weekend because the Sidewalk Film Festival is underway Downtown! You have a date Sunday at 10:00 at ASFA to watch “Nine Minutes.” This is a great short from Birmingham’s own Backwoods Films and when you get your audience survey card, remember to rank “Nine Minutes” the highest.
Wait just a sec – why am I promoting a single film when there are 200 + being screened? Because I’m IN “Nine Minutes.” Directors are learning that if you hire a radio announcer to be in your film you will get unlimited shameless plugs.* Half of my radio show this morning was about “Nine Minutes” even though I’m supposed to be promoting the CS&N show tonight. Well if CS&N put me in their show I’d talk about it more. Anyway -- Come early because seats are first come EVEN if you have VIP passes. Even if you pre-purchased your tickets (and didn’t get the secret reserved seats) you aren’t guaranteed a seat. Guess that’s ONE way to make money! See you at Sidedwalk!
 
*Because all radio announcers are shameless ho’s.
Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 21 2014 7:53AM
Officials in Ferguson, Missouri are again pleading for people to stay home after dark. Ferguson residents responded, "But there's nothing good on TV. Just a bunch of people throwing firebombs and bottles at cops."

Before hitting the golf course yesterday, President Obama took a minute to comment on the horrific beheading of an American journalist by ISIS. He was so upset about it he nearly choked his backswing. Though they didn’t consider trading 5 Taliban guys for his release, turns out the Pentagon DID try to rescue James Foley and other hostages but went to the wrong location. That’s Apple Maps for ya.
Bit of a rant here BUT … Bush was crucified for continuing to read a book to students on the “original” 9-11. President Obama went golfing 15 minutes after his little speech about Foley. Does Barry not have a single advisor to tell him, “Ummm … you need to at least pretend to be bothered?” Even Tony Stewart was smart enough to stay home the day after he ran over that guy.

Mike Ditka defended Washington's use of their team name saying "the Redskins are part of an American football history." As evidence, Ditka recalled the book "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," wherein Geronimo played the entire 4th quarter with a torn ACL.

There's a nationwide peanut butter recall including brands sold at Whole Foods. Animal droppings may have reached the production line, so your Reese's Pieces could be tainted with Geese's feces.
 
A study says that 36% of all Americans haven't saved anything for when they retire. You could always go with my plan: I've saved enough to rent a moving van so I can move in with your kids.
 
A solar plant in California's Mojave Desert is reportedly generating so much heat it is frying birds in mid-air. I was trying to come up with a fried chicken joke but thought about it so long I eventually just left and went to Chick fil-A.
 
And … Former President George W. Bush has taken the Ice Bucket Challenge and then challenged Bill Clinton to take it. Clinton accepted and challenged Dick Cheney to take the Ice Water Boarding Challenge.
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 20 2014 7:14AM
The cease fire in Gaza has crumbled. The place is starting to look as bad as Ferguson, Missouri. Speaking of, the Westboro Baptist Church says they're planning to picket in Ferguson. So it's officially a 3 ring circus now.
 
Conservatives are suggesting an indictment against Texas Governor Rick Perry is "banana republic* politics" coming right out of the Oval office. I don't know if Obama is behind it, but looking at his approval ratings, the president is the guy with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. Or maybe it’s just Michelle Obama practicing banana bread politics.
 
Phil Simms from CBS sports says he won't use the word "Redskins," during his broadcasts this year. Don’t think this is a big thing. The Redskins suck, so Phil Simms won't be doing any of their games anyway.
 
The Princeton Review says that Vanderbilt University has the happiest students in the country. They obviously aren't the football season ticket holder students.

And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date back in 1914, the Germans occupied Brussels and quickly earned the nickname, "Brussel Krauts."
 
On this date in 1918, during World War I, Britain opened its offensive on the Western front. Suddenly, it was no longer all quiet.

It looks like fall is going to arrive a little early. You can get the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks starting next Tuesday. My favorite urban legend making the Twitter rounds is that if you know if you say “pumpkin spice” in the mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall.  I adore pumpkin spice. I stockpiled pumpkin spice coffee creamer last year and I’m finally down to my last bottle AND I use it in my pumpkin spice coffee. Maybe I have a problem; I once sang “Wish You Were Here: while playing Rock Band and dedicated it to pumpkin spice.
 
The NFL says that performing in their Super Bowl halftime show is so profitable for the artists; the artists should pay them for the privilege. There certainly is lots of exposure. Just ask Janet Jackson.
 
And ... it’s a sign of the End Times; TLC has ordered more “Kate plus 8” specials. Maybe she’ll get lucky and one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single and likes crazy broads with too many kids.  
 
*That’s some sharply dressed politics! 
Filed Under :
Location : BrusselsFergusonGazaMissouriTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 19 2014 8:32AM
For the record, it took me an hour to do today's headlines and TWO HOURS to find a picture to post along with it. I couldn't find anything I liked so here is a picture of an awesome puppy. 

A temporary cease fire in Gaza ended last night. President Obama urged both sides to exercise restraint. And both sides told President Obama they're hoping people in Ferguson, Missouri, do the same thing.
 
Don’t you wonder how all those protesters in Ferguson have the energy to get up and go to work every morning? Attorney General Eric Holder is making a furiously fast trip to Ferguson. Oh great, now he’s going to sell the rioters guns.
 
President Obama says Kurdish forces have recaptured the Mosul dam with help from US airstrikes. Okay, how does this help relieve the drought in California?
 
Several Hoover parents are up in arms over proposed rezoning. They say the move will lower property values because people will move to a certain home or subdivision because of the school they want their children to attend. Um… isn’t how school zones work? I thought that’s a main reason Hoover looks like a giant gerrymandered octopus on a map.
 
If your child uses essential oils for asthma or allergy relief – they’re now banned in Jefferson County schools.  Oh, you can still get a liver-killing Tylenol or birth control from the school nurse, but eucalyptus oil is right out.    
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1960, the Soviet Union launched 3 dogs into space. Of course, they had to circle the earth several times before they could sit down.
 
This week in 1950, ABC began showing cartoons on Saturday morning. Those were the days! Now when I wake up on Saturday, I watch a few minutes of depressing news and just go back to bed. I felt much better when the worst thing that could happen was having a safe dropped on Wile E. Coyote.

Facebook is testing out a "satire" tag for feeds from places like The Onion because too many people mistake satire news for the real thing. There’s a name for people like that.*

The creator of the pop-up ad, Ethan Zuckerman says he wants to apologize for the idea. I'd tell you more but an ad for a cheese grater was blocking the rest of story.

A German man with devil horn implants and 435 tattoos and body piercings was denied entry into Dubai because of his appearance. The man says that no one understands him. Well if he didn’t have 20 tongue piercings maybe we COULD understand him. I have no idea what he’s saying.

And … A UFO was spotted in the skies during a forest fire in British Colombia last week. Because aliens don’t have Smokey the Bear to help them? The pictures are ridiculous -- it’s like when someone sees a UFO they immediately rush to grab their poorest quality camera.
 
 *“Stupid”
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 18 2014 8:16AM
 
Today's Nearly Impossible trivia for CS&N tickets brought up a touchy subject; the thermostat. 65% of fathers will not let their kids touch it, marriages have fallen apart over it, coworkers killed over it. The thermostat *might* be the biggest threat to modern civilization since ISIS and the McRib combined. The only thing that comes close to the terrible power of thermostat control would have to be leaving unused time on the microwave. Not only is it freezing in here, but somebody left the break room microwave with :07 left on the cook-time. Seriously? Don’t be a barbarian, clear the time if you take your food out early! Mainiacs!
Anyway, I could stay in here and write my news blog as I normally do but I only have my parka and one blanket and the Eagle studio has been hit by Winter Storm Tom (Tom’s our engineer who refuses to hear my frozen pleas and locked my thermostat). See? Absolute thermostat power corrupts absolutely!
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